Chapter Nineteen

Phoebe

I pulled into Gunner's driveway to find Sugar sitting on the front porch, drinking a lemonade. I really liked Sugar. She was a sweet woman who'd been dealt a shit hand by this town. Now that all her secrets were out in the open, life seemed easier for her.

She looked relaxed, happier.

Parking, I got out of my vehicle and smiled. "I didn't know you were gonna stop by. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd come check on you."

"Well, I appreciate that. I'd love the company."

"Could have all the company you want if you moved back to the clubhouse."

Groaning, my steps faltered. "You know I can't do that."

Sugar frowned. "So you've said. All I'm saying is that it would be easy to visit each other if you were closer. We could have dinner together, watch movies together, gossip, just hang around together. You know... like before."

"I move back there, then he wins."

"Didn't know this was a competition."

"It's not."

"Look." Sugar sighed, sitting up. "You were there for me when no one else was. You kept my secret and listened when I needed to talk. I want to repay the debt. So, what's the real reason you won't forgive him? Because correct me if I'm wrong here, but haven't you been pining for this man for ten years, and now that he's ready to try again, you bolt? I'm confused."

"It's a bit more complicated than that."

"Then explain it to me."

Sitting down on the steps, I sighed. "I don't know. I can't really explain it."

"Try."

"We got into a fight back in New York. I said some things. Things I shouldn't have. It was stupid, really. But when he told me he'd asked Dimeter to file the divorce papers, I just lost it. I couldn't control my temper. That's never happened to me before."

"Makes sense to me. For years, you've kept a tight lid on your own feelings and when pushed, you blow. It was bound to happen, Phoebe."

"But not to me. I never lose my temper. Never."

"Well, Priest doesn't seem too upset about it. In fact, he seems happier."

"I know," I groaned. "He's finally processing everything."

"Phoebe, look at me."

Turning to face Sugar, she carefully said, "In the last ten years, how did you process everything?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Who took care of you when you had a nightmare? And don't tell me you didn't have them, ‘cause I know you would be lying. Who listened to you when you needed to talk, scream or curse the world? Who stood by you through everything?"

I couldn't answer her because there was no one.

No one was with me.

I was all alone.

When Shaw left me, I pushed aside my pain because I was worried about him. Not even my family knew what happened. Even when I went home months later, I said nothing. I just moved on as if nothing happened. Then, when I found out where he was, I ensured he had everything he needed. And when I showed up at the clubhouse during King's wedding reception, I knew he still needed me, so I stayed.

For ten years, I stopped living, stopped taking care of myself to make sure he had everything he needed.

I was there for him.

I didn't want to worry or bother anyone with my problems.

"Phoebe, your husband abandoned you. He left you."

"It wasn't like that."

"Stop it. Stop making excuses for him. There were two in that marriage. Not one. He wasn't the one attacked by some sick son of a bitch and damn near killed. He wasn't the one who carried and lost a baby. He isn't the one who can never have another child. He isn't the one who lost everything."

"Sugar's right, Sis," Freyja whispered, walking out onto the porch. "I love Shaw. I think he's perfect for you, but that asshole did you wrong. Instead of manning up, he bolted like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. That wasn't right."

"He couldn't handle his own grief."

"Damn it, Sis! Stop making excuses for him. Shaw Dalton is a grown-ass man. He fucking knew better, and instead of manning the fuck up, he took the coward's way out."

"Freyja's right, Phoebe," Sugar agreed. "Got love for all the brothers in that club, but if one of them doesn't take Priest out back and beat his ass for what he did, then they are no better than him."

"My money is on Frank." Freyja smiled, taking a seat next to Sugar.

Sugar shook her head. "No, it's gonna be King. Watch."

"What makes you say that?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Because King's known him the longest. King tolerates a lot of shit, but when the time is right, he will show Priest the error of his ways. Right now, he's letting his brother get his head straight before he hands him his ass."

"I don't want anyone fighting."

"Not gonna be your choice. It will be between the brothers. Let me give you some advice, Phoebe," Sugar stated firmly, leaning forward. "When the time comes. Let it happen and stay the hell out of it."

Freyja nodded.

My sister and Sugar stayed for a little while longer before they had to head back to the clubhouse. Part of me wanted so badly to go with them. To sit with my family, eat dinner, laugh, and just enjoy the night.

But I couldn't.

For so long, I'd done everything myself. Depended on no one. While I appreciated what Sugar and Freyja said, they would never understand what I'd gone through, what I'd dealt with, and I prayed they never did.

Shaw was my cross to bear.

Over the years, I'd found my own way. While it may not have been the best way, it worked for me. Eventually, I was able to be around people and start living again. It was hard at first, but I knew I couldn't dwell in the past forever, when all I wanted was to curl up and cry.

Sugar was right. I was still making excuses for him. After all this time, he was still foremost in my mind. I worried about him constantly. It got to the point where I put my own needs aside to make his life more comfortable, and if I couldn't do it, I got my brother to help me.

For the last ten years, I'd been enabling Shaw.

Instead of him getting better, he'd become stagnant, wallowing in his own grief and misery. Because of me, he lived in a perpetual nightmare, when he should have sought help. Shaw Dalton was a smart man. I knew that from our first meeting. Even when he told me about his mom and dad. He never let his father's crimes stop him from moving on. Even when he later learned that it was his own father who killed his mother. He mourned her, accepted it, and moved on.

I thought it funny in a way that the second I'd left and refused to come back he'd woken the fuck up and started living again.

Was I the problem all along?

Was I the reason he couldn't move on?

Was being around me a constant reminder of his failure?

If so, what changed? Why, all of a sudden, did he want me back? Why now was he starting to live again?

I didn't understand.

All I knew was that I couldn't go back to the life I'd been living before. I needed to move on. Forge my own path. Find some semblance of happiness and I was going to do that.

Starting right now.

Reaching for my bag, I took the papers Lacey had drawn up for me and placed them on the coffee table. Smiling, I searched my bag for a pen and started signing my name next to all the little yellow tabs.

Soon, I was going to be a business owner.

Something all mine.

Lock, stock and barrel.

Within the depths of an all-encompassing darkness, a faint light materialized in the distance, offering a glimmer of hope. Its brilliance surrounded me, bestowing a comforting embrace that eased my worries. Feeling vulnerable and exposed in such a solitary and unknown environment, I instinctively walked towards it, enticed by its dazzling luminosity. Getting nearer, I could see that the light was creating elongated shadows that danced and shifted on the ground.

In the center of the room, a dazzling white light seemed to hover effortlessly, illuminating everything around it. The light filled the space, banishing any fear that may have lingered.

Just as my hand was about to touch it, the room filled with the enchanting sounds of music.

As soon as the familiar tune started playing, a wave of nostalgia washed over me.

It was a sound I hadn't heard in years, and it immediately brought back memories.

Lost in the music's rhythm, I swayed, surrendering myself to the moment, fully immersed in the sensations. With each passing moment of not thinking, the swaying transformed into an exuberant dance.

The moment I lost myself in the dance, all negative emotions vanished. It was at that moment that he slowly walked towards me, his presence altering the course of everything. It was as if my soul's melody had beckoned him to my side. I'd visited this space countless times, in various states of mind, but it was only when I surrendered myself to this place that I finally encountered him. He appeared, offering healing, salvation, and a way to escape.

In this place, I belonged to him entirely.

I was free of everything.

My body had always been my most powerful tool for expressing myself and my emotions. Through my body, I could express my true essence and give myself fully. There were parts of me that were exposed, bearing emotions and thoughts I couldn't convey in any other way. He knew each of them intimately. He nurtured this aspect of my being, and it was alongside him I discovered the profound meaning of genuine love.

I could feel his powerful arms encircling my waist, sharing his strength with me and radiating a comforting heat.

A sense of safety washed over me, calming my mind.

I felt secure with him, knowing that my fears held no power.

With him, I knew I would never be alone.

His cheek grazed mine gently as he pulled me into the dance, sending a shiver racing down my spine. Following his lead, we moved effortlessly across the floor, transported to a realm beyond our reality. Time seemed to stand still as we became completely absorbed in the dance, oblivious to everything else. Our steps were effortless, like we had done this dance since the beginning of time. There were no words exchanged, only the unspoken desire to bridge the distance between us.

Our connection ignited flames of passion. Their intensity was palpable as he guided us away from what I'd always assumed was a dance floor. We rushed through the corridors, the brilliant light clasped between our hands illuminated our path, the only source of brightness in the dimly lit surroundings.

He scooped me up in his arms and we crossed over a threshold into a room that seemed straight out of a fairytale. The space was filled with the gentle flicker of twinkling lights and the scent of moss—giving it an otherworldly beauty, as if it was a creation of mother nature herself.

He delicately placed me on a bed made of moss, and I could sense his satisfaction when he stepped back to admire the picturesque scene. It seemed like he wanted to preserve the memory of me as I appeared in that exact moment.

Just for a second, a hint of sadness crossed his face, but it vanished almost instantly as his gaze fixated on my body, his eyes consuming me, instilling within me a feeling of sheer beauty.

The moment his hands connected with what his eyes had been devouring, everything seemed to move in slow motion. Without ceremony, we found ourselves undressed, and he wasted no time in dotting my skin with a string of affectionate, exhilarating kisses. With his body pressed firmly against mine, his gaze never faltered, as he kissed me fiercely, leaving me gasping for air.

The overwhelming sensation of his presence took hold of me as he traced a path of kisses from my cheek to my ear, sensually sucking on my earlobe and giving it a playful bite with his teeth. His lips trailed a path down my throat, teasingly lingering on my collarbone. Moving lower, he caressed my chest, his mouth encircling one breast and then sucking my nipple with an intensity that left me breathless.

He was sweet torture.

I leaned into him, yearning for more, my body practically pleading with him to satiate my desires. His determination to resist was unwavering as he persisted in his pleasurable torment. Right when I believed I had reached my limit, I experienced the sensation of his teeth lightly grazing my nipple. The pleasure of the moment was so overwhelming that I couldn't help but cry out when he sucked hard, his hand covering my other breast, intensifying the sensation.

He kissed his way down, his lips lingering on each rib, leaving a trail of tingling sensations in their wake. Exploring my body, his hands reached around and firmly grasped my rear, sending a thrilling shudder cascading through me. Until now, he had been moving with a calm, measured pace, his gestures filled with affection. With a sudden and swift motion, he buried his face between my legs. I let out a gasp when his tongue briefly entered me before he skillfully took my clit into his mouth.

The sensation was so intense that my hips involuntarily arched off the bed as I let out a loud cry.

His intuition was uncanny—he'd always known which movements made me squirm, how to coax cries from my lips and which touches had me running my fingers through his hair.

Relentlessly he teased me, tortured me with pleasure and left me completely satisfied.

And when he slid a finger deep inside me, I shattered.

He made his way back up my body, his kisses were gentle and deliberate, igniting a fire within me. With every touch, he worshipped my body, savoring the warmth and smoothness beneath his hands. Every inch of my being cherished him, savoring the sensation of his touch.

The moment his lips touched mine again, a surge of lightning erupted in my veins, expanding all around me. As he lay above me, he felt weightless, as if divinely created just for me. Our bodies meant to be intertwined for eternity. A perfect match made by the universe. I shifted my hips, drawing us closer together and deepening our connection.

The music's tempo gradually increased, causing a palpable shift in the energy between us.

We became frantic.

He possessed me with each embrace, almost like he was afraid I'd disappear.

Slowly, inch by excruciating inch, he slid into me, and when our eyes locked, our souls became one.

It was at that moment I knew I was nothing without him.

He was nothing without me.

We were one.

One entity.

One soul.

For the second time I shattered, this time with such intensity it surprised us both.

Entwined with him, my legs wrapped around his body and my arms around his neck, I pulled him towards me. Our movements perfectly aligned, matching each other's rhythm effortlessly. With each passing moment, our desires intensified. A light sheen of sweat coated our bodies.

With a sense of urgency, he pulled me close and kissed me fiercely, as if he couldn't bear to let me go.

This time, there was a distinctive urgency as he claimed me, sealing our souls together forever.

There was not one without the other.

Nothing else mattered. Only him.

Lost in the magical desires of our bodies, our souls rejoiced as we gave in and surrendered ourselves to the overwhelming need that controlled our hunger.

I heard the music again.

This time the tempo had slowed, almost like a forgotten melody, and it was then I heard the giggle of a small child.

Gasping, I sat up in bed, drenched in sweat, while I tried to make heads or tails of what I'd just seen. It was a dream. Nothing more, I knew that.

But it felt so real.

Almost as if I'd lived it before, a long time ago.

What in the hell was the universe trying to tell me?