Chapter Nine

Mama spent the whole of the evening retelling the whole tale to their family party again and again. “Poor Lizzy, I cannot stand that Mr. Darcy, but Lizzy would have caught him if she could!”

Again. And again. And again.

Lydia laughed. “La! I never would have married someone so quiet and stern looking as Mr. Darcy.”

“I would have never married a gentleman who already had a child,” Kitty said. “I would not wish to have such competition for my affection.”

“One must bear up under the vicissitudes of life,” was Mary’s contribution. She then offered Elizabeth an extended selection of quotes upon the unimportance of worldly status, and the way that a reputation for calmness in the face of misfortune was worth more than a thousand rubies, a pile of gold, or the golden goose from the tale.

Mr. Collins said every time Mama ventured upon her new favourite subject that “Cousin Elizabeth ought to have never presumed! Speak no more of it. Had Mr. Darcy… but alas, he did not, and I do not wish for Lady Catherine to know anything more of the incident! Speak no more!”

It wore on Elizabeth’s nerves.

She wished to cry again.

Could they not all see that the wound was red, raw, still bleeding. Elizabeth thought it had been a clean wound, and one which would heal given time, but Lord! Could they not give her that time?

Jane suddenly stood, and pressing a hand against her back said with a smile, “My goodness, it is rather unpleasant. Mama, how did you manage to be in the family way so many times? Lizzy, dear, might you help me up to bed? I am always fatigued these days.”

“Let me attend on you, my little rodent.” Mr. Collins rose eagerly.

“No, no.” Jane smiled at them all. “You have had such pleasure in this conversation. Do not let me interrupt you. Lizzy, only you help me.”

The sympathetic look that Elizabeth received from Jane made it clear enough that she was withdrawing chiefly for the sake of giving Elizabeth an escape.

Elizabeth gratefully took it, and supported Jane with her arm, though it was clear enough her sister needed no such support, being a healthy young woman who was not yet extremely advanced.

They went up to the master bedroom, the one that Papa had chiefly used, and Jane sat heavily on the bed. She pulled Elizabeth to sit next to her and put her arm around her sister. “My dear, dear Lizzy. I see you are in such pain.”

Elizabeth nodded. “I have been stupid.”

“No, no. Not that. There is nothing stupid in how you’ve behaved.”

“I wasn’t good enough for him. Not with my family, not without any money. And can’t they let me— I just want to cry.”

“Oh, dear Lizzy, did he say that?”

“It was part of it. But it is the part that stuck the strongest with me.”

“He ought not have said so much.”

“He apologized, but I cannot forget it. I try, but I cannot.”

Jane kissed her on the forehead. “You loved to speak with him. I saw enough of you two to see that.”

“We are cursed. This whole family is cursed. It is all so wholly unfair.”

Jane kissed Elizabeth again. “Do not say that. But you are unhappy.”

“I… I wish I could only think of his faults. But I cannot. I become angry when I think of what he said about my station in life, that he could not marry someone with connections in trade, and so little fortune — But he is so sweet with little Emily.”

“I saw.”

“I have never encountered another young man who made me feel like I could simply speak to him. Tell him what I believed and act truly as myself in front of him. Mayhap that is what hurts the most. He saw all the principal parts of my being, and he chose his grief over a wife he insists he never loved and his obsession with station over me.”

“Lizzy.”

Elizabeth pressed her hands against her eyes. “I do not want to be angry. I do not wish to cry. I do not.”

Slow long strokes on her back. Jane kept a comforting hand on her for a long time.

“You always appear so content,” Elizabeth said to Jane. “You cannot be. You must hate being married to Mr. Collins.”

“I do not,” Jane replied serenely, but with an edge. “I am content.”

“You cannot be. Every time he speaks, he is foolish.”

Jane’s lips thinned. “Elizabeth, I beg you to not speak in this manner of my wedded husband.”

“If Papa had not died, you never would have married such a man. You would have married someone worthy of you. Someone who you could love in truth. Perhaps even our Mr. Bingley, I have seen that you like him a great deal. If only Mama had not forced you to marry that awful, awful man, you might have even married a man of twice his consequence.”

“Lizzy! I have feelings as well!” Pressing her hand against her mouth, Jane said, “I beg you to not speak about this matter again.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. No. She had pushed Jane too far in her own unhappiness, and it had been unkind.

“I know, I know every defect of Mr. Collins! I know them far better than you. But he is a man who is not bad. He has his virtues, his kindnesses, and he does not deserve your scorn. He did not need to marry me, and much of your present comfort comes from our marriage. I wish you would remember that and… and…”

Jane rose and started to frantically walk back and forth. “Nothing would have come of such an infatuation. Nothing.”

“What do you mean?” Oh. Mr. Bingley.

“Nothing ever could have. Had we met, and had I still been free—” Jane pressed her hand against her mouth. “Nothing would have come of it. I would not have fallen into a deep infatuation. I do not fancy that I am the sort of person who can love, as you love your Mr. Darcy. And Mr. Bingley, I am sure, would have rejected me for the same reasons of our connections and unworthiness that made your Darcy reject you. I am sure of it. I must be — it would have come to nothing. I am content.”

Jane wrung her hands, and her breath came sharper as she walked between the window and the bed. Back and forth. Back and forth.

“Poor Janey, poor Janey.” Elizabeth rose and embraced her sister to stop her pacing. “Oh, it is so unfair.”

“Life oft is unfair. Many die before they are three years of age. Women die in childbirth. The poor cannot find enough to eat. Starvation controls the natural increase of the population. That is what Lady Catherine says. I suppose she is right. I am supposed to complain? I am healthy, more likely than most to survive my birth, well attended, with — I have no right to not be content.”

“You have every right to not be content. You have as much right to happiness as anyone.”

“I signed that right away when I married Mr. Collins.”

“You should have done no such thing for me. I did not wish you to.”

“Lizzy! At times you can be dreadfully, dreadfully uncaring of the feelings of others.”

That brought Elizabeth to stare at her sister with surprise. She thought she had never heard such an unkind sentence from her.

“I never did it for you ,” Jane added. “You know I never did it for you.”

“They did not deserve your life. You have given up — you could have fallen in love, and—” Elizabeth started crying. “Oh, Jane, Jane. I am so sorry. But the rest could have managed. I dare say Mama deserves to lose part of her consequence — she suffered mostly from her nerves, her sense of failed hopes, and not from material facts.”

“You and Papa,” Jane replied.

She sat down on the bed again.

She sighed. “You and Papa. Always you two. And then you and me. You love them, but you do not often think of our younger sisters. They were just silly girls to you both. The silliest girls in England. Papa said that a hundred times. But poor Lydia and Kitty, and even Mary… I would not disrupt their lives. And…”

Elizabeth put her arm around Jane.

“You had never fancied yourself in love,” Elizabeth said.

“I thought I could not. I do not think… it is wrong of me. Evil. But I like Mr. Bingley very much. And I must not.”

“It is unfair,” Elizabeth replied.

“I am content!” Jane sobbed. “I have no other choice.”

“You are not,” Elizabeth said. “And I am grieved, so very grieved. And grieved that I asked you to show me your pain. Oh, my poor, poor Janey. It is worse for you by far than for me.”

“It is not . I am content — zounds, where are these tears coming from. I’ve sobbed so easily since I came to be in this delicate condition. That is why I am crying. Not because I am not content. Lizzy, believe me. I am content.”

“You are content,” Elizabeth echoed, not knowing what else to say.

“How could I not be content? I have no choice. I never shall violate my vows. Divorce is impossible without terrible sin. My current state proves my husband to not be impotent — do not blush, maiden , you know enough, or ought to, to understand this — I will not destroy our family, I will not fail my duties. I made a solemn oath before the Almighty, and I will keep to it.”

“Jane, if I only could take your place.”

“You cannot. And you would have been a fool if you had when it was possible. I can be content. You never could have been.”

Elizabeth grimaced. “I only wish…”

“That he would die ? No other wish could change my state. Do you wish that Mr. Collins, like an inconvenient husband in a novel, will conveniently die so that his beautiful young wife might find another lover? Mayhap I shall also miscarry conveniently in your fancy, so that my new husband need not worry about the care of another man’s brat? — The wrongness of such ideas! Such a thought crossed my mind once, but I knew it for what it was — the whisperings of Satan in my ear. I rejected that thought, for it was not part of me, nor of who I am.”

“Jane, my dear, dear Janey.”

“Do not beg me to not be content!”

“I will not. Never again.”

“I become upset so easily. It is my condition, I am sure.” Jane settled on the bed and let out a billow of breath. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Lizzy. Do not worry for me. I see that you still — oh, oh, oh.”

And a beatific expression crossed Jane’s face, she pressed her hand against her belly. “I felt it, I felt it! Like a butterfly’s wings.”

“The child?” Elizabeth asked.

“There, there. Touch me, can you feel it?” Jane smiled so widely.

Elizabeth pressed her hand against Jane’s belly, but she did not manage to feel anything, at least nothing that might not be her imagination.

“My child, moving inside me.” Jane closed her eyes and smiled. “What a thing! What a blessed thing!”