27. TWENTY-SEVEN

TWENTY-SEVEN

I 'm alone when I awake later that morning. Light leaks through the tiny space where the blackout curtains don't quite touch in the otherwise dark room. Lying on my stomach, I stretch my arms above my head, running my hands over the smooth, white, bloodstained sheets, savoring how it feels in contrast to my sore, aching body.

I'm hungover in every sense of the word. Mind, body, and spirit—they've all been abused in new, unfamiliar ways.

It was too…intimate. Every moment of it was painfully intimate, and that's a pain I haven't felt before. I'm still not quite sure I like it; I'm not used to it. It doesn't quite feel real when the images flash in my mind, but the evidence is laid out in front of me, written in crimson and white.

My cheeks flush red to match when I hear Declan's voice coming from the main room. I think I'll stay here—I need a moment, an hour, as long as he'll allow me to gather myself before I leave this room.

But then I hear Luca's voice, and my heart fucking explodes. I pull myself out of bed, throw on that stupid fucking t-shirt, and head through the door. He doesn't see me yet.

An involuntary smile spreads across my face.

"'Try this cocaine,' he said. 'It'll be fun,' he said," I mock.

He turns to me and smiles. "There's my angel."

Before I can think better of it, I jump into his lap, throwing my arms around him.

"Ah! Fuck. Easy, baby."

"I'm sorry!" I tell him, jumping back. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he says. "Hug me on my good side."

"I'm so fucking happy to see you," I say, hugging him on his right side—the good side. I bury my face in his neck and one hand in his hair, squeezing my eyes shut as I breathe him in. After all of that, he still smells like him. I could bathe in it—I could drown in it, and I don't think it would kill me. I simply wouldn't need air anymore. I'd exist in this semi-animate state of lovesick bliss, waiting for the effects to wear off, hoping they never would.

And they never fucking will. Not now, anyway. We've marked each other in ways that don't come off, and now, that includes Declan, too. My hands are forever bloodied by the Gods of Tomorrow, and to me, they're just that because my fate will always be theirs to decide.

They own me in every way that matters. I'd be completely and utterly terrified at the prospect if it weren't for my far-too-lonely, long-starved heart insisting they belong to me, too.

Declan sits beside me on the other side of the couch, placing a hand on my back, and my stomach flips.

"Kitten?"

"Hmm?"

"We need to get on the road, okay? You two go get your things."

"Okay," I tell him. I force my eyes open and pull away from Luca, then wrap my body around Declan the same way.

Tighter, even. Partly because he doesn't have a bad side with a bullet hole, but partly because I'm still worried that he'll disappear if I don't.

And I'm worried he'll disappear if I do.

"Your heart is racing, Teagan," he says. "What's got my kitten so worried? I told you it would all be okay; I made it go away, didn't I?"

I know that. I just don't want him to go away, too. I slip my hand inside his shirt, feeling around for the bandage on his chest, just to make sure it was all real.

"Ah, I see," Declan says. "You don't need to worry about that, either. I promise."

He whispers the last part, nuzzling his cheek against mine before tilting my chin up and kissing me.

Now this. This is a drug.

My drug of choice.

It turns out I didn't get to pick my poison. And I can see now why Luca, a man of many poisons, had been starving for it.

"I need to make some calls," Declan says. "I'll see you downstairs."

He sets me down on Luca's lap and disappears into the bedroom.

"Is there something going on?" I ask Luca.

"Eli left," Luca says. "For good. He quit the band, left super early this morning."

"What's Declan going to do?" I ask.

"Try to find someone else to fill in for these last two shows," he says, pulling both of us to our feet. He takes my hand and we walk toward the doorway. "And then hire someone else over the summer. It's not that big of a deal. Eli knows better than to talk, and bands cycle in new members all the time. What the fuck are you wearing?"

"Your friends gave me this," I tell him as we step into the hallway.

Right in front of River and Hazel.

"Oh…hey, Riv," I say. "You look…"

Sick. She looks sick. Her skin is grey, her expression sullen. The bags under her lifeless blue eyes are dark and heavy. I doubt she slept at all.

And Eli left, too. And I know that hurt them both.

"Good morning, Teagan," Hazel says as they hurry past me.

"She was mad at me, too," Luca says once we're inside our room. "About Heidi. She'll get over it. She's just…a gentle soul. She doesn't understand why we all can't just get along."

"So, I take it she's never met your masked friends or been to one of their parties."

He laughs. "Oh, god no. But Haze has been with Declan. You two have something else in common now, too."

"What's that?"

"You've both killed someone for hurting someone you love."

For Riv, then. It has to be River—they met when they were young. And in foster care.

And River is afraid of men.

"It's not my story to tell," Luca says, likely sensing the wheels turning in my head. "But…she forgave me even though I'm not the good guy."

"I'm not the good guy, either," I tell him.

"Maybe not," he says. "But you're my guardian angel even if I don't deserve it. That's worth something, right?"

I don't answer, pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before clearing out the bathroom. I'm not sure if he's right or not, but I was just trying to save the person I love. Even if the person I love isn't the good guy.

"River still loves you, Teagan. Just give her space; our family will be okay."

I force a smile in his direction. "I love you, Luca."

"I love you, too."

St. Louis and Chicago.

That's it. Two more stops, and then we get to go home. Maybe Declan will even change his mind and let us take a vacation—maybe we can all go. River and Hazel, Brady and Rhett, too.

A private island or a city we could get lost in. Maybe River would smile again, and Luca and I could sneak off and get married like he said. We'd get to have our secret—a secret that doesn't feel like a rock in the pit of my stomach.

One that's only for us.

River isn't smiling now, though. She leans against Hazel's shoulder with her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. We still have nine hours left of this drive—I can't just sit here, staring at her, waiting for her to look at me.

I'm tired. We're all tired. Luca and Rhett have tried to start some sort of conversation a couple of times each, but it didn't take. And Declan has been on the phone since we left the hotel.

"I'm tired. I'm going to lie down in the back," I tell them.

After I slip off my shoes and pull the covers over my body, I hear the door creak open.

Luca moves into the space beside me. "I'm tired, too," he says. "Can you open this for me, Teag?"

He removes a bottle of pills from the front pocket of his hoodie and hands them to me.

"Sure."

I open the bottle and hand it back to him, and he washes two white pills down with water. "Do you want one?" he asks. "It'll help you sleep."

"No, thanks," I tell him. "I'll pass on the drugs this time."

The door opens and closes again, and River crawls into bed on the other side of Luca.

"I'm tired, too," River says. "I'm not mad at you, Teagan. It's not your fault; this is just how I process things. I need to be quiet and alone. Okay?"

"See?" Luca says. "I told you so."

"It kind of is your fault, Luca," she says.

"Oh well…live and learn," he says.

"Live and—" She pauses, sighing. "No, you know what? It's over."

"Thanks for telling me," I say. "I was scared."

"Good night, Teagan," she says, forcing a smile that doesn't touch her eyes.

"Okay," I tell her. "Good night."

Luca wraps his good arm around me and kisses me on the forehead, and River pulls the covers up to her chin and burrows in on his bad side.

I don't think I'll actually be able to fall asleep, but it's okay. I'm content just existing—knowing I'm not alone and listening to them breathe.

But I'm wrong. The rise and fall of Luca's chest quickly lulls my tired, aching body to sleep.

When I wake again, it's dark inside the cabin and Luca is no longer at my side. I prop myself onto my elbows and see both River and Hazel asleep in the bed.

Looking out the dark window, a sense of dread washes over me.

We should have been there by now. It shouldn't be dark.

"River," I say, nudging her. "Wake up."

"Hmm?" she says. "Are we there yet?"

"No," I tell her. I grab my phone from the side pocket of my bag. "And it's after ten. We should have been there by seven."

"We must have hit traffic," Hazel says. "Jesus, we slept all day."

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and make my way over to the window. "We're back in the mountains," I say.

"So?" Hazel asks.

"So, there aren't mountains in St. Louis," River says. "She's right. Something's going on."

I push open the door to the main cabin and find Brady sitting alone with a beer in his hand.

"What's going on?" I ask. "Where are they? Where are we going?"

"They're upstairs," he says. "Don't go up there. We're going home."

As much as I want to be relieved, I know better. I can feel it in my bones.

"Why?" I ask. "What happened?"

"Officially? They're going to announce tomorrow that the last two concerts have been canceled because Eli had to leave for a family emergency. Unofficially, Emily—that's Heidi's sister's name, by the way—"

Emily. She had a name. There's that rock again in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could undo it; I wish none of it ever happened, and that has to count for something, doesn't it? It has to offset the fact that I liked it somehow.

I'll never tell any of them that.

"She left a handwritten note for her parents letting them know where she was going and what she was doing, and now they can't get ahold of her. They're taking back everything."

"So, what does that mean?" Hazel asks.

He shrugs. "I don't know. We're going to go home, wait for it to be over. Rhett said they were very thorough—they got rid of her digital footprint around Dallas and any cameras that might have picked her up on the way over. But…obviously, they missed the paper note."

"It'll be fine," I say. "I mean, if they have people who can…" I trail off, not wanting to add to River's trauma or supply any additional details that hadn't been shared.

But they have people with bone saws who can make phones and cars and bodies disappear. And if they can do that, then what can't they do?

"Yeah, they have…people," Brady says. "It'll be fine."

What do the rest of them know of the people in the gold masks or where they came from? Do they know who they are? Do they know what they're a part of? I realize I don't. I never asked for answers—I never wanted them. Whatever that was had nothing to do with me.

But that isn't the case now.

Hearing footsteps on the staircase, I hold my breath.

"Okay," Declan says, pushing his hands through his dark hair.

He looks bothered. I thought only I bothered him.

"I'm not going to go into detail, but we're knee-deep in a pile of fucking shit, and we're getting the fuck out of here."

"You mean…we're going home," River says.

"No," Declan says. "I mean that Luca and I are going to have to disappear until this all gets straightened out, and the rest of you have a choice: you can get off the bus in the next small town, or you can go on a little hike with us through the Rockies and then we're going to get on a plane. None of you have to do anything you don't want to. You're all free to go. No one will come after you; no one will stop you."

"I already told you I'm going with you," Rhett says. "Brady—what about you?"

"I—" he starts. "Where are we going?"

"We won't know until we get there," Declan tells him. "It's better that way."

"Well…I'm going wherever Rhett goes," Brady says.

"I want to go, too," I tell them.

"What about you two?" Declan asks.

Hazel looks at River, then back to Declan. "It's not forever, right?"

"I don't think so," he says. "But it could be weeks. You could stay, live a quiet life. I could set you up with new identities once we get out of here. I wish I could give you more time to make your decision, but we have about twenty minutes until we're getting the fuck off this bus. I want us to stay together, but I need you to be happy. You know how I feel about you, Haze."

"Riv?" she asks.

"Well…this is our family. I waited my whole life to have a family. I want to stay together, too," River says.

"Pack a small bag," Declan says. "Something you can carry on your back in the dark for a few miles. No phones. No electronics. You'll need shoes you can walk in for a while, too. Riv, do you even have shoes like that?"

Mouth gaping, she looks from him to Hazel. "I…packed for parties and concerts. I didn't plan on going hiking. I guess I'll have to wear these," she says, gesturing to her Gucci slides.

"I have sneakers she can wear," I say. "They might be a little big."

"And I can carry her if I have to," Rhett says.

"Okay, we're wasting time," Declan says. "Get ready."

"Well, what do we bring?" I ask.

"Only what you need," he says. "A couple changes of clothes—warm clothes. Water bottles. Leave the books, Teag. They'll be too heavy. And try to eat something before we get off the bus."

Around me, the others are already scrambling to get their things. The scene reactivates the panic I felt when I woke up and realized we weren't where we were supposed to be.

And what the fuck could be happening that has Declan ready to run? He at least appears confident in his resolve. I try to hold on to that.

"Come here, Teagan," Declan says.

I sigh and sink into his arms, wrapping mine around his back as tightly as I can. I grab fistfuls of his sweatshirt, and he does the same with the dark curly hair running down my back.

"You cling to me now, don't you?" he asks.

Yes.

"Please don't leave me," I whisper, giving life to my deepest fear. "I don't want to be alone again."

"I'll never leave you," he tells me. "I told you—you'll never have to be alone again, Teagan. I promise."

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too," he says. "Go pack a bag, kitten."

He kisses the top of my head before releasing me, and I walk to that cabin, physically aware of the loss of him. Even though he's standing in the next room, it's too far away when I need him.

Declan used to terrify me. After what happened, when I'm afraid, he's the one I trust to keep me safe. Luca is a wild card, and I fucking love every second of it. He'll laugh when you point a gun in his face, and he'll handcuff you to the bed so you can't leave, and I need that. He's somehow simultaneously self-destruction and a comfort blanket. There's a part of me that's pure unmitigated chaos—a part that's always known I was crazy but learned to be quiet.

With Luca, that part can be loud. I love him for it. I need him for it because that part would die again without him, and then I wouldn't be me anymore. I'd be small again.

But Declan is my port in the storm. He isn't broken like Luca; he's like me. And we were born this way.

I set my bag on the bed, contemplating what to pack. And I laugh when I realize I don't really need anything—nothing except for my family.

"What's funny?" River asks.

"Nothing," I tell her. "I just realized I don't need anything except for you guys."

"Hoard food," Hazel says. "You know we have to feed Riv every ninety minutes, or she gets cranky."

"It's true," River says. "And I'm already fucking starving."

"Let's go eat then," Hazel says, throwing her backpack over her shoulder.

"This will be fine, guys. It'll be an adventure," River says.

"Yeah," I tell her, smiling because that's the first time she's sounded like herself since last night. "I think so, too."

As they leave the room, Luca walks in carrying his guitar.

"You're taking that?" I ask. "You only have one good arm."

"Nah, I can't take it," he says. He pulls the sling over his head and then sits at the edge of the bed with his guitar in his lap. "Hopefully, I'll see it again soon, though. I think maybe it'd be easier to actually leave my fucking arm on the bus."

"You will," I tell him before sitting beside him. "Of course you will."

"I've been working on your song, though. I wanted to play it for you—because I don't know when I'll get a chance to do it again. I'm still working on it—I was hoping I'd get to play it for you at the last show in Chicago as a surprise. I'd get to watch you hear it for the first time and see the look on your face when you realize that it's about you. But…now you already know."

"I'm nervous," I say softly.

He smiles as he strums the strings. "Why?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

But I do know. It's not because I'm worried that I won't like it or anything like that. It's the intimacy of it. And that's still something I'm getting used to. True intimacy still fits me like one of Luca's hoodies. It's warm, it feels good against my skin, and it's intoxicating when I breathe it in. But when I put it on, I'm drowning in it. If I wore it in public, they'd all be able to see that it didn't belong to me. And I'm still afraid to get too attached to it because, eventually, he might take it back.

"Ready?" he asks. "I can't sing as well as Declan."

"I guess so," I say. I pull my own hoodie over my head and bring my knees to my chest.

He shakes his head. "Now you're making me fucking nervous."

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "What's it called?"

"'Pretty Poisoned,'" he says.

I rest my head on my knees. "Proceed."

It was ordinary enough You didn’t think it’d go this far Two normal-looking people In a normal-looking bar

But one was an addict The other black licorice-laced cocaine I knew this batch was poison but shot straight into the vein

My friends don’t really like me They say I come with a warning And since you never had any You come with a soul in mourning

And it was poisoned long before you met me If I’m honest, mine was, too I smile like I mean it, but I only mean it for you

I barely even blink As it seeps through skin and bone Into darker corners of my mind I don't flinch when she skims the files marked “better left alone”

I tell her I love you She says, “I don’t want to die” But poisoned girls don’t get better And poisoned girls don’t cry

I tell her she’s poisoned me She says it’s the other way around Poisoned girls don’t get better But they still look pretty in the ground

And it’s taken hold now We both know we’re doomed We can’t hide forever in the darkest of rooms But before it could kill me, at least I got to say

I made this huge fucking mess and she loved me anyway She wrote it on my chest the night she called me insane

I tell her I love you She says everything dies Whether it’s in bloodstains and ruin Or from slow-burning lies

Either way, we’ll die screaming She says you can’t be surprised Death can’t be fooled by that normal-guy disguise

But I’ll handcuff you to me So he can’t take you away And I’ll always love you because we’re both fucking insane

I tell her I love you She says I’ll make some calls. Maybe we can share a room with nice, thick padded walls We’ll stay there forever, I’ll keep you so close Do you think they can fit two people in one of those white coats?

But they won’t get to lock me up They’re far too late I met a pretty poisoned girl and now Death has a date

I tell her goodbye as he turns out the lights Screaming, “If you go, I’ll carve my heart out” she finally cries

But don’t worry, angel Everything dies It’s better to be poisoned than trapped living half-lives

"That was sad," I tell him when he stops strumming his guitar. "I think we died."

"Everything dies," he says. "You said you wanted sad, remember?"

"I did."

"Did you like it?"

"I loved it. And you know what I'd really like?" I ask.

"What's that?"

"A straitjacket for two," I tell him. "It sounds cozy."

"I knew you'd like that."

I sigh. "Maybe in the sequel, it doesn't kill them. They get away with murder and take a nice, long vacation. Spend every day on the beach, swimming and sleeping and fucking and bleeding and…screaming but never fighting except for when they're fucking and they never get caught—not even by Death—for a very, very long time."

"I guess we'll find out," he says.

There's a small knock on the door before Declan steps inside. "You guys about ready?" he asks. "We're six miles from our drop-off point."

"Yeah, we're ready," Luca says.

"Good." Declan doubles back and adds, "You can't take the guitar."

"I fucking know that," Luca says.

Luca begins pulling the guitar strap over his head, sucking a breath through his teeth.

"Stop," I tell him. "Let me help you."

After pulling it over his head, I set it aside and pick up the sling. I help him into it, easing his arm back into the cradle and fastening the waist strap.

"You're so good to me," he says.

"Well, I love you. How does it feel?"

"It's not too bad," he says. "I'm just glad you're staying."

"Did you really think I'd leave you?"

"No," he says, kissing me. "I didn't doubt you for a second. Till death do us part, baby. Let's take that vacation."