2 - Joanna

2

Joanna

Listen. I'd been on a lot of Tinder and Bumble dates. Way too many, if I were being completely honest. And in every single case, the guys had hand-picked photos for their profile that showed them in the best possible way. They were never as attractive in real life. That's just how online dating went.

This guy was different.

It was definitely the Theo I had chatted with on the app, but it was like he had actively downplayed his appearance on his profile. In real life, everything was more striking: the broadness of his shoulders underneath his button-down shirt; the chiseled jawline; the wavy brown hair and thin beard; the sharp almond eyes. It was like receiving a wagyu filet after expecting a greasy cheeseburger.

Theo the Beefcake starts with two points.

"Theo, hi!" I said.

Jack looked up at my date, then turned to me and grinned.

Theo frowned down at both of us. "Am I interrupting something…?"

"This is my brother," I quickly said. "He was just leaving."

"I was. Right. Sorry about that." Jack stood and clapped Theo on the back. "She likes eggs for breakfast. Scrambled hard ."

" Thank you , Jack," I hissed.

Theo watched him leave, then sat down in his chair. He was a big man in all the best ways. After Jack had been sitting there, it was like a boy being replaced by a man .

"Sorry about that," I said. "My brother is annoying."

Theo shrugged. "No worries. I get it."

I cocked my head. "Get what?"

"Having someone else here to check out your date. Making sure everything is kosher and that I'm not, like, a serial killer or something." He pointed with his thumb at the table next to us. "That's why I had Marie come here first to get a good look at you."

I gave a start. "Wait, seriously?"

The woman sitting alone at the table next to us glanced over in confusion. "Huh? My name is Helen."

"Good answer," Theo told her. "Keep your cover." Then he leaned across the table and whispered to me: "I've never met that woman before in my life."

A good sense of humor? Three more points for Theo the Hunk. For those keeping score at home, that meant he was already halfway into my pants before the date had even begun.

Giggling, I said, "That wasn't why my brother was here."

"What was he doing, then?"

"Something much, much dumber. It's a long story."

Theo flashed a perfect white smile. "Dumb long stories are my favorite kind."

"I promise to tell you about it later," I said.

Theo squinted suspiciously at me, but then shrugged. "Fair enough. What are we drinking tonight? I'm in the mood for a cocktail."

Our drinks arrived: a strawberry martini for me, and a whiskey sour for him. Then we settled into the same small talk that happened on every first date:

The weather in Chicago lately (beautiful.)

The traffic on the interstate (awful.)

Which Metra lines we took to get here (MD-W for me, UP-N for him.)

Chicago sports team fandom (Bears and Blackhawks for me, Cubs and Bulls for him.)

"You don't like football or hockey?" I asked. "Ouch. Minus two points for Theo."

He arched a dark brown eyebrow. "I'm being graded, huh?"

"Nah, just joking. I'm not keeping score."

I was absolutely keeping score.

"As long as you don't root for the White Sox," Theo said, pointing at me with his drink, "then we won't have to go back in the alley and fight."

"Baseball is boring. Everyone's just standing around the whole time!"

Theo sucked in his breath. "An extreme disrespect of America's pastime? Minus fourteen and a half points for Joanna."

"Hey! That's a lot of points!"

"Be glad it's not more. I'm being very fair."

I stuck out my tongue at him.

"I'm surprised you're not watching the game tonight," Theo said. "The Blackhawks are in the playoffs, right?"

"The puck doesn't drop for another hour," I answered. "If the date is going poorly by then, I'll go home and watch the game."

"Ouch. I'd better front-load all of my charm, then. How was your martini?" Theo asked. "My whiskey sour tasted like cough syrup."

"It's good!" I replied. "I'm going to order another."

Theo caught the attention of the waiter. "Two more strawberry martinis."

I raised my eyebrows. "You're ordering one?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's kind of a girly drink."

He made a face. "Judging someone based on the drink they get is dumb. Unless it's something really weird."

"Like those insane Bloody Marys with way too much food stuck in them?"

"Yes!" Theo exclaimed. "I saw one the other day that had a cheeseburger slider on it. That Bloody Mary needs to settle down."

I chuckled at that as our drinks arrived. Theo held his martini up for inspection. The pink, feminine drink looked out of place in his large hand as he took a sip.

"It tastes like candy!" he said with a grin.

"Candy that gets you drunk," I added.

"Why don't men know about these? You ladies have been keeping your delicious drinks a secret."

"The cat is out of the bag," I said.

"I'm never drinking straight liquor again. I don't care what anyone thinks." He smacked his lips happily.

Not afraid to buck traditional gender stereotypes? That's another point for Theo.

"Your profile said you work at a dentist's office," I said while taking my own sip. "That sounds interesting. What do you do?"

"Paperwork, mostly," he said with a grimace. "It's actually really boring. If I talked about it for more than ten seconds, you would deduct another two points from my score."

I laughed, but I felt a little disappointed. I had hoped that Theo was a dentist. I'd never dated anyone in a big-wig profession like that. But if he was a full-fledged dentist, he definitely would have bragged about it.

"Well, it can't be more boring than my job," I said.

Theo leaned back in his chair. His chest was so broad with muscle that the buttons of his shirt drew tight. "You're a lawyer, right?"

"I have a law degree and I passed the BAR exam," I said. "But I'm just a paralegal."

Theo gestured with his drink. "I bet you're doing good work, at least."

"My boss is an ambulance chaser. We sue people. I hate it."

"Oh." Theo blinked his almond eyes. "Well, what do you want to do?"

"I've got my eye on a job at a defense contractor."

"Yeah? Like, you'd be the lawyer for missiles and shit?"

"Hah, not quite. I would be doing contract law. But I actually kind of like that sort of thing. Drawing up the contracts for weapon purchases. Missile defense systems, aircraft maintenance agreements, that sort of thing. It was my favorite part of law school."

"Sick. You should definitely call yourself a Missile Lawyer though."

I laughed again. Theo didn't seem like the sharpest pencil in the box. The hot ones were always kind of dumb. But he was friendly, and I was drawn to him. No point deduction for being dumb.

"Got any good first date questions?" he asked.

"First date questions?"

"You know. The kind of get-to-know-you questions you reserve for a first date."

"I have a few," I admitted.

Theo crossed his thick arms over his chest. "Hit me with your best one."

"Let's see. Have you ever broken a bone before?"

"Oh yeah, a bunch of times," he replied. "You want the full list? First time was when I was five."

"How about the last time you broke a bone?"

"Last year." Theo shook his head. "I was riding my bike home from the day game of a Cubs double-header. A pickup truck ran a red light and hit me."

I gasped. "Seriously? Are you okay?"

"Sure, it wasn't too bad. I broke a rib. Thankfully, the doctor said all the bleeding was internal."

"Why are you acting like that's a good thing?"

"Because that's where the blood is supposed to be," Theo replied. "On the inside."

I took a sip of my drink to cover my laugh. I was pretty sure he was joking, but I wasn't positive. It was definitely possible that Theo was a Golden Retriever: big, handsome, and dumb.

"Your turn. Any broken bones?" he asked.

"Just once. We took a family trip to the Grand Canyon. I slipped on some rocks and landed on my elbow. Snapped my arm like a twig. I had to ride out of the canyon on a mule!"

"Look on the bright side," Theo said. "Free mule ride."

"Believe it or not, I hated every minute of it. I was a teenage girl who was embarrassed by everything."

"And now you're a confident adult woman who goes on mule rides whenever she wants?" he asked.

"I do go on mule rides whenever I want," I agreed. "But the amount of mule rides I want is zero."

Theo clicked his tongue. "All right, there goes my idea for date number two."

I scowled across the table at him. "Where in the Chicagoland area would we find mules to ride?"

"The Southside Mule Emporium," he replied without hesitation.

I stared at him. "That's not a real place."

"It's not," he admitted. "But it could be. That's why I asked you out on this date. I'm looking for a partner to invest in a risk-free business venture. Here are the pros: high profitability. Be your own boss. Spend all day cleaning up mule poop."

"Mule poop is a pro? What are the cons?"

"Too much money," he said with a straight face. "There's a severe lack of mule-related services in the Chicagoland area. It's a goldmine. You'll probably need to rent a storage unit for all the cash you'll make, like in Breaking Bad . Stacks and stacks of Benjamins."

"Intriguing. We could set up our own high-speed mule lines to compete with the Metra."

"Why spend your ten-minute work commute on a train that smells like urine, when you could spend an hour commute on a mule that smells like urine?"

"I'm sold. Take all my money."

The two of us laughed together, which drew an annoyed look from Helen.

"Okay, can I be honest with you about something?" I asked.

"Let me guess. You're not really interested in my mule-related pyramid scheme."

"No, the mule thing is foolproof." I took a sip of my drink. "Your Bumble profile. The photos aren't very flattering. You're a lot better looking in person."

"Thanks for the compliment." Theo leaned on his elbows and shrugged. "I need to upload some new photos. I look a lot different now than I did a few months ago. I moved into a new apartment with a dope gym, so I've been going hard six days a week."

"Six days a week? Damn, I should call you Arnold. What do you do six days a week?"

"It's called a PPL split. That stands for Push, Pull, Legs. The exercises are split up by type. Pushing motions, like bench press. Pulling motions, like power cleans. And legs, like squats."

Boring workout story: minus one point.

"Your eyes are glazing over. I'm boring you, aren't I?"

"No, not at all!" I replied. "Your work has paid off. You look really good."

Theo smiled. "Thanks. That means a lot coming from someone like you."

"A lawyer?"

"No, a hottie."

I felt myself blush. "Okay, another first-date question. What's your favorite movie?"

" Mad Max: Fury Road ," Theo replied immediately. "It's an insane fever dream of a movie, and Charlize Theron is dope in it. She could crush my skull with her thighs and I wouldn't even be mad."

I had never seen it, but I knew it was a flashy action film. Not a very deep answer. Minus one point, Theo.

"Mine is You've Got Mail ," I said. "Kind of cheesy, I know…"

Theo's eyebrows rose. "Nah, I love that movie. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Say less." He shook his head. "It's great because you spend the entire movie knowing more than the two characters. Creates a whole bunch of tension. I need to rewatch it."

Likes my favorite movie? Theo gets a point back.

"My turn. Favorite sandwich condiment?" Theo asked.

"Mustard. Zero calories."

"Smart. Mine's ranch."

"That's a dressing, not a sandwich condiment."

He smiled slyly. "You ever put ranch on a turkey sandwich instead of mayo? It'll blow your mind."

"I'll remember that the next time I'm ordering at the deli." I frowned. "Let's see. What other easy first-date questions can we ask…"

"Favorite band?" Theo suggested.

"AC/DC," I answered proudly. "Dad took me to see them when I was nine. As soon as I saw Angus Young duck-walking across the stage, I was hooked."

"I'm a Led Zeppelin guy myself," Theo said. "Never got to see them live."

"John Bonham died before you were born, so that unfortunately makes sense."

Theo crossed his meaty arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes. "Okay, we've covered favorite band. Now for the best question: who's your actual favorite musician, that you're too embarrassed to tell people?"

I scoffed. "You're doubting my AC/DC answer?"

"Not at all."

"Then who's your favorite musician that you're too embarrassed to tell people?"

He answered without hesitation: "Carly Rae Jepsen."

I almost did a spit-take. "The Call Me Maybe girl?"

Theo jabbed a finger in my direction. "Canada's sweetheart Carly Rae Jepsen is so much more than a one-hit wonder. Her entire discography is full of bangers. Emotion and The Loveliest Time are absolutely flawless albums."

Laughing, I patted the air. "Okay, okay, I didn't mean to get you all worked up. Harry Styles is my answer. And yes, his attractiveness is a large part of why I like his music."

"No judgment here. He's a good-looking dude. And Music for a Sushi Restaurant slaps hard. Just like this martini." He took a long sip, slurping the drink with intentional noise.

At the table next to us, Helen put some cash under her glass and left.

"She probably hates Harry Styles," Theo whispered.

Giggling, I asked, "What about secret skills? Got anything interesting?"

"Define secret ," he replied.

"Hmm. Let's say a skill that fewer than five people know about."

"That's tough. Most of my skills aren't secret."

"Because you brag about them?" I teased.

"Fuck yeah I do," he said. "What's the point in being good at something if nobody ever finds out?" He gave his head a shake. "Wait a minute. I've got one. I can read palms."

I perked up. "Really?"

"I dated a Wiccan girl in college. She was into that sort of thing. I don't really believe in palm reading, but it's a fun party trick." Before I could stop him, he reached across the table and took hold of my right hand, twisting it over to reveal the palm. "Let's see…"

Despite his muscular frame and large hands, his touch was surprisingly tender. Goosebumps sprouted on my neck as his fingertip traced the lines on my palm, and an excited shiver ran up my spine.

"This is your heart line," he explained softly. He was leaning so far forward that I could feel his breath on my hand. "It's stronger than your head line. That suggests you typically lead by intuition."

He wasn't wrong. My impulsiveness was the entire reason I'd devised the point system on dates—to stop myself from following my heart too much.

Theo's finger traced some more, then paused. "It also begins here, below the middle finger, rather than below the index finger. That suggests restlessness in relationships, or dissatisfaction."

"That makes sense considering I'm out on a date right now, rather than being home with Mr. Right."

"True." His fingertip glided lower. "This is your life line…"

I yanked my hand away. "I don't think I want to know how long I'm going to live or anything like that."

Theo leaned back in his chair. "The life line has more to do with your experiences in life, and how much you're influenced by others." He gave me a warm smile. "You never told me what your secret skill is."

"I'm good at memorizing useless numbers," I answered. "Like sports stats. I can tell you Jay Cutler's passing yards by year."

Theo clicked his tongue. "This is why you should be a Cubs fan. Baseball is all about useless statistics!"

"I guess I missed my calling." I swirled my drink around in the glass. "Okay, here's a question."

"Hit me."

"What do you want out of life?"

Theo blinked. "Damn. After all those lighthearted questions, that's an uppercut out of nowhere. I'm going to need between three and seven more strawberry martinis before giving you my answer."

"I'll go first, then," I said. "I want to be happy. However I get there, whether it's through a career or traveling the world or eventually starting a family, I just want to be happy in whatever I do. I have friends who have satisfying careers and relationships, but they're not happy . I don't want to sacrifice my happiness just to do what I want, if that makes sense."

Theo was nodding along. "Solid answer. Being happy is way better than the alternative. And it totally matches with your palm reading."

"I thought you didn't actually believe in that."

He spread his hands. "Hey, you can't argue with results."

"I can argue that you're avoiding answering the question, though."

"You got me." He tongued the inside of his mouth. "I eventually want a family. A wife and kids. Two, maybe three, depending on how hellish the first two are. I want to know that when I eventually die, I'm leaving a little bit of myself behind. Children are that legacy."

I was taken aback by his answer. I wasn't expecting him to respond so genuinely.

"Wow," I said. "That's a serious response."

"A serious question deserves a serious answer," he said simply. "What about you? What are your thoughts on kids?"

I hesitated. "Honestly? I don't really know. Maybe I will eventually want to start a family, but I don't have that desire right now. Everyone tells me eventually I'll realize my clock is ticking and I'll suddenly want children, but right now I just don't know for certain."

"Nothing wrong with that," he said. "Nobody knows how they'll feel down the road."

I slowly let my breath out. I wasn't being totally honest, and that wasn't fair to Theo. "Right now… I'm leaning towards not having kids."

"Oh."

A silence stretched. Three, four, five heartbeats.

"Ah," Theo finally said with a rueful grin. "I ruined this first date with my serious answer, didn't it?"

"It was my fault for asking it," I replied. "But no, it's fine. It's totally fine."

We stared at each other. I felt a little deflated, and he seemed the same way, too.

"Whelp, too bad," Theo said. "How many points did I get up to?"

"Five," I said truthfully, though I hoped he thought I was still joking.

"Out of ten? Hey, that's not bad. Five out of ten is average."

"I've been on a lot of bad dates," I said. "You're much better than average."

"Hey, don't speak too soon. I'm really bad in bed." Theo grinned. "I'm extremely selfish. I don't reciprocate at all ."

I chuckled at the joke. I loved Theo's attitude, not taking things too seriously the way many men did on a first date. He also wasn't full of himself, which was a rarity in a big city like Chicago.

But he wants kids, and I don't think I do . It was a big incompatibility. The kind we could ignore for a little while, but that would eventually hurt in the long-term.

I'd been on enough dates to know when it was best to call it a night and cut your losses. This was that moment. We'd shared two drinks, but hadn't ordered dinner. Both of us could go our separate ways without any hurt feelings.

"Okay," I said. "Maybe—"

"I have a suggestion," Theo said, holding up a finger. "If you're open to it."

I cocked my head. "I'm listening."

"I live forty minutes away, and you said you have an apartment in Elmwood Park, which is just as far away. We could call it a night and go our separate ways. You can go home and watch the Blackhawks game. Or …" He leaned forward on the table, his brown eyes shining in the dim restaurant light. "There's a hotel two blocks away. I have a million free points with them because it's close to my office, and sometimes we rent it out to patients visiting the city. We could check into a room there, and get room service in two hours."

It wasn't what I expected him to say. It was so… forward . And not in a creepy way. I felt my body come alive under his waiting gaze, heat running through my veins and flushing my skin.

I raised an eyebrow. "Two hours?"

He held my eyes intently. "Maybe three. I was joking about being selfish in bed."