Chapter Twenty-One - Fiona

It's a winning combination of cloudy and muggy heat in Chicago as both Ruslan and I attend my routine pregnancy checkup. I'm at twenty weeks, so now we'll be able to find out the sex of the baby. I could have found it earlier through genetic and DNA testing, but both Ruslan and I agreed to hold off until the ultrasound. Cupping my rounded belly, Ruslan hands me a tissue to wipe my brow before I walk a few paces down the pleasantly tree-lined street to an old Chicagoan relic of a building, holding a smile.

"Do you want more water?" Ruslan asks attentively.

"No, I'm okay. This heat is muggy, and it's making me feel sticky," I complain, but I am relieved when the gush of cool air-conditioned air hits my face. "Ah, that's better."

"Good." As we walk inside to the reception counter, a friendly face awaits. "Good afternoon, Mrs. Anderson, nice to see you again. Here for your three thirty appointment with Dr. Shiels?" the chirpy receptionist says, brightening up when she sees us.

"Yes, that's right." I smile back, her positive attitude lifting me out of my heat-induced slump.

"Great. Dr. Shiels is running on time, and there's plenty of cold water in the waiting room. Come with me, and I'll show you both through. It shouldn't be long of a wait." Ruslan and I head down the hallway to an open space of comfortable waiting chairs, magazines, a water tower, and a big screen TV for everyone to watch.

"Excellent," Ruslan responds. "Thank you." We take a seat beside one another, Ruslan staring around the waiting room, but my eyes catch on to an oblivious couple a few seats away from us. Observing their body language, I notice the adoration in his eyes, which causes me to mope. Her belly is about the same size as mine, and she's basking in pregnancy glow. Meanwhile, today, I'm feeling like a beached whale as my aloof partner flicks through a magazine, the other father-to-be canoodles with her, kissing her forehead as she laps it up.

God. They look so in love. That's how it should be. Not like this. Not like us. I pretend not to care, but a wave of jealous nausea come over me as I discreetly watch them for a moment longer, wanting Ruslan to pay attention to me like that.

Instead, I lean over to him. "I think I'll have that water from the cooler now. Can you get me some?" I whisper, hoping the couple are up next so I don't have to watch them love each other up any longer.

"Sure, I can." Ruslan dutifully fills up my water bottle with fresh water bringing it back to me, but truthfully, I would prefer the snuggles the other woman is receiving. Sipping on my water, I start to cool down, coiling the end of my braided ponytail around my finger.

Ruslan's giving me protection, money, and a safe space, but is the man ever going to be capable of giving me a love like I've always dreamt of? As I discreetly glimpse Ruslan, his eyes are glued to the TV, and my fragile heart sinks. I don't think so.

Stop worrying. All relationships go through ups and downs. You're human, and he is too. Try to ride it out, and he'll come around. Maybe he can be all you want and more.

The nurse calls us, ending my spiral of dead-end thoughts. "Fiona Anderson and Ruslan Utkin?"

"Yes, that's us." We get up as the nurse calls us into the room, where we wait together.

"What a big day for you both. It looks like we're going to find out what you're having!" the nurse pipes up as Dr. Shiels enters. As soon as he does, his warm teddy bear presence puts me at ease.

"Yep, I can't wait. We're both excited about it," I lie, not really knowing how Ruslan feels deep inside, other than the seed I'm carrying is his, and that he needs to take care of it.

Ruslan says nothing to squash my hidden fears either.

"Ah, Fiona, welcome. Mr. Utkin. Fiona, take a seat, and we'll have a chat first. I want to discuss your blood test results and a treatment plan, before we get to the ultrasound." Dr. Shiels shakes Ruslan's hand as we both sit down, worry spiked by the words "treatment plan."

I look from the nurse to him. "A treatment plan? What did I miss?"

Ruslan's face shows a small change, but other than that he remains cool, calm, and collected. I reach out, taking his hand, but Dr. Shiels chuckles.

"Did I say treatment plan? That's probably the wrong choice of words. All I mean is from your test results it's clear you have some nutritional deficiencies, and we want to work on changing that in the months to come so you're healthy and ready for breastfeeding."

"Oh, what vitamins does she need?"

"Well, here we are with the test results." He hands over two sheets of paper. "Vitamin C and B12 are crucial and need to be boosted. Your iron is a little lower than I would like, but that's normal with a pregnancy. I can recommend a multivitamin and offer alternatives to get you back on track."

"Thank you, Doctor, that's great," I tell him, glad it's something simple. We discuss a few other things I'm new to in the pregnancy and then before long, I'm up on the table with my belly exposed, the cool ultrasound gel smoothed out over it.

"This is the fun part of my job. I get to tell you what sex the baby is," Dr. Shiels says with a glow to him. I can tell this is a job he loves, and it's evident in the pictures on his office walls of all the babies he's delivered.

"Wow," I gush, seeing the outline of my precious baby on screen, and hearing its heartbeat for the first time. Unconsciously, I reach out for Ruslan's hand, digging my fingers into his palm without thinking.

I watch the screen as Dr. Shiels moves the thick liquid around my belly making faces as the nurse stares on with a delighted look on her face as well. "Well, well, well, congratulations to you both, it looks like you're having a baby girl."

Emotional and happy, I glance over at Ruslan whose mouth curves into a smile as I cling on to him. "A girl. Wow. That's great."

"It sure is. I have two, and they've turned out to be wonderful human beings."

"That's great." Ruslan smiles down at me on the table, but there's disturbance written on his face, and I wonder what it's about. I enjoy the moment, but by the time we get into the car, heading for home, I find out why.

Ruslan's initially quiet as I sit in the passenger seat, backtracking through everything and trying to guess why he's suddenly giving me the silent treatment.

"Can I ask you question?" Ruslan begins, the start of his sentence is not a good omen.

"Yes, you didn't seem too talkative back in the doctor's office so I'm glad you have something to say now," I reply with a jab of sarcasm, rolling my eyes as I look out into the afternoon traffic.

"What?" he challenges, turning off the main freeway.

"I think you heard me, Ruslan."

"I think you heard the doctor too. You're not eating properly and taking care of yourself. Did you see these test results?"

Scrunching up my face, I dismiss him. "Some of its normal. I don't know what to eat all the time. It's my first baby."

"Yes, but I have chefs on call. Anything you want or need to be made for you, can be. Vitamins are available at your disposal. There's no excuse, Fiona," he scolds, spanking me with his words.

"How dare you!" I fly back at him. "You don't know anything, you're not even at home most of the fucking time, and the doctor could barely get a fucking smile out of you when he told you we were having a girl!" I launch, my emotions running high as tears overflow and I look skyward.

Ruslan scoffs, shaking his head. "You have no idea what I've been doing."

"That's just it, Ruslan. I fucking don't. You knock me up, only to leave me, and we're having a family."

"One which I've been trying to protect, warding off threats from the outside, and keeping you safe."

"Keeping me safe, keeping me safe," I parrot, fed up with his lack of attention. "Everything doesn't have to be about keeping me safe. What I want is for you to show up for us, Ruslan." I thump my head back against the headrest, the heavy conversation casting its dark blanket over us both.

Ruslan sighs, the usual sharpness in his eyes dulling as we idle at the traffic lights. "Right," he says tersely, strumming his fingers on the wheel, not giving me anything to go on.

"Right? Don't you have something better to say?" I poke, his criticism pouring fuel on the fire brewing inside me.

"Start eating properly, Fiona."

"Start showing up for the family you're about to have, Ruslan, " I push back, craving what the happy couple in the doctor's office had.

Ruslan stares straight ahead, the light turning green as we head down the back road to the estate, the silence between us, excruciating.

"I was overwhelmed," he reveals quietly.

"What?"

"I said, I was overwhelmed—back there in the doctor's office. I wanted to say more, but seeing the baby's legs kicking inside of you…."

A sense of relief floods through me as he opens the remote-controlled gate and we head down the circular drive. "So, you're not a robot," I say with a smile.

"No. Fiona I'm not the monster you think I am. I just—I'm adjusting like you are."

"You've been busy all the time and unless you want me… for nighttime activities, you're not available," I tell him, feeling a little sad.

"Fiona, please. I'm sorry about being distant. Shit. I just… I wanted time. To figure everything out. I've been trying to keep you safe in other ways… showing you I care," Ruslan expresses. "But I'm happy, and I want to be with you. To do things."

The walls of poor communication are crumbling away, because Ruslan Utkin admitting he was overwhelmed by the baby is as good as him admitting he's scared. Vulnerable like anyone else, and now I feel a little closer to him. "Okay," I say softly as Ruslan stares at my mouth, parking the car. "It's normal to have reservations, Ruslan. This is our first child. I'm not trying to starve the child on purpose."

Ruslan nods, his hooded eyes still zoned in on my lips as we sit in the driveway together. "I want our baby Fiona, and for us to be a real family. I'm in, if you're in," he pleads, clinging to me. I gulp down my reservations, thinking the Bratva will always win out, until the next time business turns bad or I need protection.

"I don't think I can be out, even if I want to, and I promise I'll eat better too," I tell him with a giggle, pointing to my stomach."

He swipes his nose against my nose, cupping my face, his tongue diving deeper to tango with mine as we lose ourselves, letting the ocean of misplaced feelings rinse away, and as he pulls back, holding on to the nape of my neck, his eyes pressed shut, I think I might have misjudged him.

"Fiona, I would do anything for you and this baby. You just tell me what you need me to do."

"Okay, it's not all your fault. It's mine too. I should eat better. Let's hope I don't spilt my wedding dress when I walk down the aisle," I joke, not knowing what to do with all the feelings between us.

Ruslan smirks. "Fiona Anderson, soon to be Mrs. Utkin, you are one-of-a-kind, and I don't care how you get down the aisle, only that you're mine."