12. Rowan

Chapter 12

Rowan

I stare at Collin.

Collin stares back at me. Then spins to the girl. "I told you to lock the door.”

The girl shrugs, the golden brown locks of her hair fanning out on the pillow. "She should have knocked."

I step back, the scones dropping from my hand. “That's the first thing that comes to mind to say?” I say to Collin. “That you’d told her to lock the door?”

An absurd voice in the back of mind notes that this is the second time I’ve walked in on fucking cadets in as many hours. Either I’m having the worst luck ever, or there is a great deal more fucking going on around here than I’ve realized.

"Ro." Collin runs his hands through his hair. "What are you even doing here now?"

"Nothing." I shake my head. "I'm not doing anything here. But you are. Clearly."

"It's not what you think."

"I think you are fucking her.” I point to each of them as I say it, my voice strangely calm. “Am I wrong? "

"I'd say you hit that one square in the target." The girl on the bed climbs off and starts pulling on her tunic and pants. She seems the calmest of all of us. "I was unaware you came with strings, Chambers."

"I don't come with strings," Collin snaps. His cheeks are flushed. The tops of his ears too. He looks like a trapped animal, shifting between the girl and me.

"No, you don't," I agree quietly. "You don't come with strings. Any strings. You are a free agent now."

The girl whistles.

Collin shoots her a dirty look before swinging his face back to me. His hair is mussed and a strange part of me almost reaches out to brush it on instinct. "Ro, calm down for a moment. We aren’t breaking our engagement. You're just reacting without thinking. You're better than this. Once you calm down, you'll realize you're blowing things out of proportion.”

“Or maybe not blowing enough?” the girl waggles her brows as she pulls on her pants.

“You and I were never engaged,” I tell Collin.

“As good as.” The flush on his face deepens, his eyes flashing with anger. “Oh for gods’ sake. You, I, and even the commandant of the Spire all know you're marrying me. You've taken two years of my love, so don't act like you're suddenly too good for it."

“I’m done.” I enunciate each word as I back to the door. “We are done. Good luck with everything, Collin.”

I hurry away to my room to change for formation and ride a wave of numbness through the rest of the day. I know the hurt and betrayal and tears are somewhere inside me, laying in wait to spring at the worst possible moment, but for now all I feel is a wall of nothing. As if I'd heard the sound of a slap, but am yet to feel the sting. I’m not eager to feel it anytime soon.

I skip dinner to avoid the stares and Ellie’s inevitable questions. By the time I fall into bed, I’m exhausted from the sheer effort of not thinking. I eagerly reach to grip the oblivion of sleep, but even that’s not safe. In that moment, right before unconsciousness, when the world starts swaying and images enter unbidden into the mind, I know it won’t be a good night. And it isn’t.

My dreams are fitful and haunted, a restless sea of fragmented images and morphed memories. I'm running through a night forest, the trees looming over me like twisted sentinels. The air is thick and heavy, pressing down on my lungs as I gasp for breath. Ahead of me, I catch a glimpse of movement, a flash of gray fur darting between the shadows.

I know how this dream ends now, and I scream at myself to stop. But in my dream, a low pained howl sounds and my dream self can’t help rushing toward it. Because six years ago, I had.

I burst into a small clearing and freeze. There, in the center, lies a wolf, its fur is matted with blood. It needs help and there is healing in my budding magic. Not a lot, but some. And I can offer it.

I take a hesitant step forward, my hand outstretched. The wolf's head snaps up, its eyes locking with mine. They blaze with a feral intensity, a mix of agony and rage. A low growl rumbles in its throat, its lips curling back to reveal gleaming fangs.

Then it lunges at my face.

I jerk awake, my chest heaving in sweat soaked sheets. My breaths come in short gasps, still trying to outrun the claws of the nightmare. I rub my cheek and its ragged scar.

A dream. This was a dream. A bad memory my subconscious has twisted into a recurring theater. But that’s not real now. I’m safe.

Kicking the tangled sheets away, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, my feet touching the cold stone. As I reach for the water canteen on the bedside table, my attention snags on a movement in the dark corner of the room. I turn to reassure myself that it’s nothing but a play of shadows.

A pair of glowing golden eyes blinks at me from a wolf-shaped silhouette.

I scream.

The door bangs open and Kyrian rushes inside, sword drawn. “What’s happened?” he demands, surveying the room while I slowly recall that Kai’s stationed him on guard duty outside my room .

Light from the corridor spills into my chamber, and it's not as dark now as it was when I first opened my eyes to see a pair of golden ones. The wolf they belonged to is gone now. If it ever existed outside my imagination to begin with. Which, it obviously didn’t.

Heat rushes to my face. "I..." Fuck it. I don’t even have the wherewithal to lie right now. "I thought I saw a wolf," I confess. “But obviously…”

Kyrian does a full sweep of the room anyway. It’s a little bigger than a broom closet so it takes him all of three seconds. Which is actually a long time when one is stewing in humiliation.

"I'm so sorry," I cover my face with my hands. “I must have dreamt it. I mean, I’d obviously dreamt it.”

"Still better safe than sorry,” Kyrian says with more kindness than I deserve and lights a lantern for me. “If a wolf-shifter made it into here, we would have a problem."

“You mean if a fae got past the wards, eluded the border patrols, crossed all the way inland to Doverly, out-maneuvered the elite defenses of Spire East Command, and then infiltrated the barracks undetected… only to stand in the corner of my room and watch me sleep? We are better safe than sorry in case that scenario is playing itself out?”

Kyrian winces. “Right. Just in case of that.”

His kindness somehow makes everything even worse.

“Do you have nightmares often?” he asks. “I mean if I’m going to be standing outside your door for the next two weeks, it helps to be prepared. Lest I order the barracks cleared first and ask questions later.”

“No.” I lie. At least I can manage enough self-control for that now. I’m also suddenly very aware that I'm dressed in nothing but a sweat soaked nightshirt that clings to my body, while Kyrian towers above me in full uniform. It makes me feel even smaller than I am. “I’m sorry for the bother.”

Kyrian studies me for a moment and I think he is about to say something, but then he just sheaths his sword down his back in a practiced mo tion. I wonder if I’ll ever make anything look so effortless. “I’ll leave the door open a crack for the rest of the night."

Since arguing will only bring more attention, I thank him graciously instead and ensure sleep doesn’t claim me again. The last thing I need is for Kyrian to hear me whimpering in a dream. Or worse, crying. So I don’t do that either. Mostly, I just spend the night concentrating on not thinking about wolves or Collin. Or Logan. It’s something of a feat.

The following morning I drag myself out to morning formation. The commandant updates us on the latest skirmishes with the Flurry fae and another reported sighting of a riot of draken riders. Our wards dampen much of the fae’s magic, but they don’t stop them from crossing.

The fae have been marauding through the countryside the past two months, burning and leveling everything in their path. They’re going after civilians and destroying livelihoods just because they can is what angers me the most. I long to disappear into my workshop and lose myself in my magic. I may be shit at firing a bow myself, but at least I can arm the archers with the weapons that give us a fighting chance.

The commandant yields the dais to Kai, who reminds everyone that we move out to the first field exercise in less than two weeks. He goes on to instruct squad leaders to do whatever is needed to ensure all the cadets under them have their shit in order. Kyrian snorts, as if Kai said something funny.

Finally, we are dismissed to morning physical training.

"Ro." Collin steps in front of me before I can escape the parade grounds. He looks disheveled, with large circles under his eyes. At least I wasn't the only one who slept like shit last night.

"I don't want to leave everything the way we did..." He gives me a sheepish look that makes his cheeks dimple and pulls something out of his back pocket. He holds it out to me. It's a bracelet made out of knotted cord. "Remember when we were first learning knots and you wanted to make pretty things with them, and I kept teasing you for being silly? Well, that’s all I could think about last night. I got this urge to make this for you."

I look at the bracelet in his hand but don't take it, though it’s one of the nicest things anyone’s done for me. Collin isn’t wrong. We go back a long way together. All the way back to when I spent more time weaving friendship bracelets than making alloy for weapons.

Collin runs his fingers through his hair. "I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, Rowan. You know that. But sometimes, you make me feel like I'm not enough. That girl? She is nothing. A quick fuck. You're the one who matters. The only one who makes me complete.”

"She was just a fuck? Is that supposed to make it alright?”

Collin's jaw tightens, the bracelet crushed in his hand. "I spent half the night making this stupid thing for you, and you won't even take it? Really?”

“Really.”

“That’s just childish, Ro.” He reaches over and tucks the bracelet into my pocket. “Look, what happened yesterday, it’s an us problem. So can we be adults for a moment and listen to each other? Maybe, gods’ forbid, have a reasonable discussion?"

A part of me wants to say yes, but fortunately it's only a small part. This man talked about marriage in the same hour he took another woman to his bed. I can still see the combat cadet, laying back lazily against the headboard. She seemed not at all surprised at my appearance. In fact... A new wave of nausea grips my belly. "How many?" I ask. "How many women, Collin? How many times?"

"Calm down and check your voice," Collin snaps back at me. "You are making a scene. If you took a moment to think, you'd realize how absurd you're being.” He waves his hand toward the hundred cadets moving about, his voice low. “Everyone here fools around. There is nothing else to do. You are the one never in the mood. Did you ever think about how that might affect me? Frankly, I've bent over backwards to be discreet and protect your feelings, but you're making a public spectacle now. It’s not a good look.”

"You are right. There is no need for a scene." I turn to leave.

Collin grabs my arm, just above the elbow. "We aren't done talking about this."

"Oh, yes, yes we are. We are done talking, fucking, everything."

Instead of loosening, Collin's grip tightens like a vice, his fingers digging into my skin hard enough to bruise. "You do not walk away from me, Ro. Not after I've spent two years catering to your whims, and holding you up when anyone in my place would have thrown up his hands. How many times have I healed you? Covered for you? I’m the only reason you are still in the Spire, and you know it. You've been happy to take everything I have to give all this time, so don't try to make yourself out into a victim now.”

"You are hurting me. Let go."

He yanks me toward him and I smell his sweat. "You wouldn't last a moment in this place alone."

"I’ll take that chance. Now let me the fuck go." I shout loud enough that heads all over the courtyard turn toward us. The color of Collin's face rises to a molten shade of red that makes patches over his chin and cheeks.

“Stop it. You're humiliating yourself, and dragging me down with you.”

I shove Collin’s chest.

His eyes flash and fear shoots through me in belated warning. But it’s too late. Collin’s free hand shoots up, the knuckles swinging toward my face too quickly for me to dodge. I brace for the sound. The pain.

But the only sound is that of one bone slamming against another, as a corded forearm blocks Collin’s attack. A sudden silence settles over the parade grounds and Collin’s eyes widen. Then I inhale a familiar woodsy scent wrapping around me. Logan?

"I think there has been a misunderstanding." Logan says with a calm that can ice over death. "Rowan Lexington belongs to the triad."

I turn my head to realize that in addition to Logan, Kyrian and Kai have come up as well. Collin turns to the latter.

“She assaulted me, sir.” Collin’s voice hardens along with his spine. “Sh oved me in the middle of the courtyard. I want to bring her up on charges for striking a superior officer.”

“Not sure what orifice he pulled that story from, but it was dark, deep and full of stench,” Kyrian says.

“Is the snapping and screaming coming soon?” Kai asks Logan, casually motioning to where Logan now grips Collin’s wrist. “I’d like to get on with the morning.”

“I figured that treat belongs to Rowan. Give me a few months with her, and you can listen to this idiot screaming over snapped bones all you’d like.” He releases Collin’s arm as if dropping a piece of garbage and steps back toward his friends.

Kai’s attention shifts to me. Though he stands several paces away, he manages to take up all the space in the world with a single lift of his brow. “What do you say to that, alchemist?” he asks just as a gust of wind blows through the parade grounds, flattening the grass beneath our feet. It’s just grass, but it looks like a line. A decision.

I step back, crossing it. Moving away from the man who, until yesterday, I thought I’d marry and toward the warriors I know nothing about. Kyrian and Logan step forward, taking up position on either side of me. And suddenly I am not alone.

I am a rabbit taking shelter amongst wolves.