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9. Rachel

9

RACHEL

I climbed out of Ellis’s truck, my mind still spinning. The drive home had been long and silent, each of us lost in our thoughts. I’d wanted to say something to explain myself and make sense of the mess in my head, but the words stuck in my throat each time I tried. I unbuckled my seatbelt and glanced at him.

“Thanks for bringing me home,” I said, the words sounding wrong as they left my lips. Of course he’d brought me home. Why wouldn’t he? “I should get inside and check on Serenity.”

Questions burned through his eyes, but he nodded in agreement instead of voicing them. “Yeah, of course. Have a good rest of your night.”

“You too,” I said, practically bolting out of the truck.

I couldn’t be around him. Not after that kiss. The man had my heart torn in too many directions.

When I made my way inside the cottage, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it for support. Pulling in a shaky breath, I exhaled slowly. That kiss had left me feeling out of sorts. I’d liked it too much, and the guilt that came with that nearly broke me.

How could I let myself feel so deeply about someone when I still carried the memory of James with me everywhere?

It didn’t feel right. It felt like a betrayal to James. Even so, I couldn’t deny the pull I felt toward Ellis. It was confusing, overwhelming, and I was torn between what I felt and what I thought I should feel when it came to him.

“Rachel, is that you?” Aunt Maribel called from the kitchen.

“Yeah. I’m home,” I said, plastering a smile on my face as I stepped away from the door.

“Mommy!” Serenity said, running to me.

I lifted her into my arms and hugged her tight. “Hey, sweetheart. How are you feeling?”

“Better.” She grinned. “My throat hurt, so I got to eat ice cream again.”

I shot a look at Aunt Maribel. “Oh, really?”

“It helped with her throat.” She shrugged.

My gaze shifted to the large pot on the stove. I realized then she’d made a big batch of stew. Clearly, she’d been under the impression Ellis would be staying for dinner.

At the thought of him, the memory of his lips on mine surfaced and my heart rate spiked.

“Where’s Ellis?” Aunt Maribel asked, her tone light but knowing. “I made enough stew for him, too,” she said, ladling up a bowl.

“I sent him home,” I replied, avoiding her gaze as I carried Serenity to the table. “I’ll bring your bowl to you. Stay here.”

I headed to where Aunt Maribel stood in the kitchen at the stove. Her eyes were on me, but I couldn’t meet her stare.

“How did gathering the soil go?” she asked, and I couldn’t help but wonder why she wasn’t pushing me to explain why I’d sent Ellis away.

When I locked eyes with her, there was a twinkle in them that told me she knew something had happened to me at Lucius’s grave.

“You knew, didn’t you?” I whispered so Serenity wouldn’t hear our conversation. There was a hint of accusation in my voice. “You knew something would happen if I went, didn’t you? It’s why you were so adamant about me going with him.”

A playful smile tugged at her lips. “The wind may have whispered a few things to me about it. It does that sometimes.”

I sighed, half-annoyed, half-comforted by her cryptic answer. “You always seem to know everything before it happens, don’t you?”

“Not everything,” she said, shaking her head while she focused on ladling another bowl of stew. “Just the things that matter.” The look she gave me then had me wondering if she knew about the kiss, too.

Who was I kidding? Of course she knew. The darn wind seemed to tell her everything, what it didn’t, her tarot cards did.

I picked up the bowl of stew intended for Serenity and then a second for myself.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” I admitted. “We kissed and I liked it. I wanted it, but I feel like I shouldn’t have. It feels like I’m betraying James.”

“Liking someone doesn’t mean you forget what you’ve lost,” Aunt Maribel said gently, shifting her attention back to me. “Loving someone doesn’t either. You’re allowed to live, Rachel. You’re allowed to feel and move on. There’s no rule that says you have to remain rooted in time.”

I bit my bottom lip, feeling guilt still twisting in my chest, but there was also a small sense of hope. “And the power?” I asked, changing the subject, desperate for a distraction from Ellis. “I don’t even know how I did it, but I moved that man with my mind. I flung him backward. I don’t think I could do it again.”

“Oh, you can,” she said with certainty, and I wished I had even half the confidence she had in me. “It will take practice, of course, but it’s always there. Waiting. You just need to learn how to call on it without letting your emotions do the calling for you. Once you master that, you’ll see how powerful you can be. Remember, fear is a cage, but you hold the key.”

Her words struck me. Maybe she was right. Maybe I could learn to control it—to master it.

I took the two bowls of stew to the table and ate, trying to keep my mind clear. It was a struggle, because every thought kept coming back to Ellis and that kiss that seemed to change everything.

After dinner, I settled into the usual evening routine of helping Aunt Maribel clean the kitchen. I tried to listen to Serenity while she rattled on to me while playing on the kitchen floor with her favorite stuffed rabbit about the tea party she and Aunt Maribel had planned for tomorrow afternoon, but my mind kept drifting back to Ellis.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling of his lips on mine, the way his hands had gently cupped my face, grounding me after the chaos with Xander.

However, the more I tried to push thoughts of him out of my head, the more that came. A tangled web of emotions built layer by layer. So, I did what I always did—I focused on Serenity.

I gave her a bath and then helped her into her pajamas. I monitored her while she brushed her teeth. Afterward, I read her a story while she snuggled into my side. Throughout all of this, I wasn’t really there. I was with Ellis, reliving the moment when he’d looked at me and said You saved me like I was the only thing that mattered in that moment.

When Serenity finally drifted to sleep, I kissed her forehead and quietly left the room, hoping a cup of chamomile tea would calm my restless mind. As I made my way into the living room, I found Aunt Maribel standing at the front window, staring out.

Was Xander out there?

“Is something wrong?” I asked, alarm nipping at my insides.

She glanced over her shoulder at me, her lips forming a small, amused smile. “Oh, nothing’s wrong, dear,” she said lightly. “I was merely wondering whether Ellis intends to camp out in that truck of his till dawn, or if he’s simply waiting for the stars to give him a nudge and come inside.”

I hurried to the window. “What?”

Sure enough, there was his truck. I could barely make out the front end of it because it was partially hidden behind the trees and bushes off to the side of the driveway.

“What is he still doing here?” I asked, thinking out loud. “Has he been out there this whole time?”

“Why don’t you go ask him?”

I shook my head. “What if Serenity wakes up and needs me? What if she wants a glass of water because her throat hurts again or if she wants me to read another story to her?” My excuses tumbled out, one after the other, each one weaker than the last.

Aunt Maribel took a step closer and I shifted to face her, noticing the soft look reflected in her eyes. “Rachel,” she said. “You can’t keep letting the past hold your heart hostage. Life’s meant to be lived, not just survived. I promise, if Serenity needs anything, I’ll be right here. Now, go see what’s waiting for you out there with Ellis.”

Her words felt like a gentle push, and something inside me shifted—a door cracked open. It scared me, but there was also another part of me that was excited. A part that wanted to step through and see what was on the other side.

I moved to the door and then hesitated.

“Go on,” Aunt Maribel urged again. “Sometimes the best way to honor the past is to keep living. James would want you to be happy. He’d want you to find love again.”

She was right. I knew she was.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. The chilly night air nipped at my skin as I stepped out onto the porch. My heart pounded while I walked down the steps and toward his truck. I could barely see him through the windshield, but he was watching me.

What was I going to say to him?

My gaze met his through the passenger window, and before I knew what I planned to say, I opened the door and climbed inside. I shut the door swiftly behind me, sealing out the cold, and then soaked in the warmth.

“Hi,” I breathed when he didn’t say anything. “What are you doing sitting out here? Didn’t you go home?”

He shook his head. “My bobcat won’t let me leave. Not after everything that happened today.”

Was he talking about what happened with Xander at the grave or the kiss?

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” he said, before I could ask him to clarify. “I’m sorry, but I can’t ignore whatever this is between us. It’s not just physical—it’s everything, Rachel. My bobcat feels pulled to you. It’s something I can’t walk away from—something I don’t want to walk away from.”

My heart twisted, guilt and longing collided inside me. I’d been so caught up in my own emotions that I hadn’t considered what he might be feeling.

“I’m sorry too,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “I shouldn’t have pulled away and shut down like that. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you did anything wrong. I’m just trying to figure things out.”

His jaw tensed, but his eyes remained soft as he held my stare. “I get it, I do, and I don’t want to push you. I’ll be whatever you need me to be—no pressure, no expectations—but I can’t pretend I don’t feel this connection to you. I can’t pretend that I don’t need you to be in my life. I’m not strong enough to just walk away. Neither is my bobcat.”

My chest ached with the sincerity of his words. Even though there was a part of me that wanted to run and hide behind the grief that had been my shield for so long I knew I couldn’t.

Not anymore.

“I’m scared,” I admitted, holding his gaze. “And I feel guilty, and honestly, I don’t know how to deal with that. But I don’t want to let it stop me from living.”

“Then don’t. You’re allowed to live. You’re allowed to feel, and to love again.”

His words weren’t any different than Aunt Maribel’s, even so, they hit harder.

“You’re my mate,” he muttered, and time seemed to stop. “That’s why I can’t walk away from you. My bobcat chose you, and so have I.”

The significance of what he said—of what I knew being his mate meant—washed over me. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I felt as though a part of me had been waiting for this truth all along.

Ellis’s eyes searched mine, and I noticed he was bracing himself for the sting of rejection.

That sting wasn’t going to come, though.

Instead of speaking, I leaned in and kissed him. I didn’t immediately feel riddled with guilt this time.

Instead, it felt right.

Ellis cupped my face in his warm hands and I melted into the kiss deeper, losing myself in the way his lips moved against mine. Their soft, urgent rhythm.

He’d been holding back last time.

When his thumb stroked my cheek, causing tiny sparks of electricity to jolt across my skin, the urge for more surged through me.

But then reality crashed in.

Aunt Maribel and Serenity were inside the cottage, and we were here, in the driveway, tangled up in the cab of his truck. I pulled back, breathless, my lips tingling from our fiery kiss.

“We can’t do this,” I whispered. His eyes clouded with confusion, but there was desire burning through their color too. “Not here.” I clarified.

He hesitated, searching my eyes. “Okay?—”

“Follow me,” I interrupted, not giving him a chance to say anything more.

I slipped out of the truck and made my way behind the cottage to the old shed. There was a small loft above it that was hardly used. It was a quiet place hidden away from prying eyes.

Pushing open the door, I stepped inside and flicked the light on. A warm glow filled the space. The scent of mildew hit my nose as I crossed to the wall mounted ladder leading to the loft, but I tried to ignore it and hoped Ellis could too. The loft was tiny, and the ceiling sloped low, but there was no chance of Aunt Maribel or Serenity seeing us up here. There were a few crates and old blankets scattered around, but other than that the space was empty.

Ellis followed me up the ladder, his gaze meeting mine when he reached the loft. The heat in his eyes I’d noticed when we were in his truck was still there as he stalked toward me. As his hands found my waist his lips claimed mine. We stumbled backward until I was against the wall, crates and blankets forced out of our way. Shockwaves of heat surged through me from being pinned between the coldness of the wall and the hard planes of his body. His lips trailed down my neck, barely skimming my hot skin, causing goose bumps to prickle.

“Ellis—” I whispered, sounding breathy and needy.

His fingertips slid beneath the hem of my shirt and up along my ribcage. Electricity danced through me, and my need for him became almost overwhelming.

“You have no idea how much I want you right now,” he murmured.

“I want you, too.”

He pulled away and a slow, hopeful-looking smile crooked his lips. I crushed my mouth against his without thought, unable to stop myself. His tongue invaded my mouth as he skimmed his hand from my hip to my thigh and then hooked my leg around his waist. A hard bulge pressed against my center, signifying he was as turned on as I was.

There hadn’t been any doubt, but still.

When his hand slid under my shirt again and past my bra straight to the pebbled nipple waiting beneath, I released a soft moan.

“Are you sure you’re okay with what we’re about to do?” he asked, pulling back to meet my gaze, his eyes fixed on mine with an intense heat.

I nodded.

“I need to hear you say it,” he said, still rolling and tugging at my nipple sending shockwaves of pleasure to my core.

“I’m more than okay,” I said.

To prove it, I reached for the button on his jeans. His breath hitched as I undid it, and the sound sent a thrill through me. My fingers trembled slightly as I lowered his zipper, feeling the hard evidence of his desire for me straining against the fabric of his boxers.

His eyes never left mine.

“I want this,” I said, so we were clear. “I want you.”

He let out a shaky breath, as if my words unleashed something inside him, and his hands moved to frame my face. He kissed me with a reverence that made my knees weak. It was a kiss filled with tenderness and love, one that had us both lost in one another.

We tugged at each other’s clothing, removing piece by piece until we were both standing before the other bare. The awe in his eyes as he took in the sight of me bare before him was intoxicating.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

I felt like a goddess under his gaze, one who was cherished and desired.

Wanted.

I reached out for his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin and the ripples of his muscles. His hand slid between my thighs, his thumb finding my most sensitive area with ease. He moved his thumb in slow circles, rubbing my clit just right.

Pleasure built through my core.

The sight of it must have been evident on my face because one corner of his mouth lifted into a teasing smile and his eyes brightened with lust. I tilted my pelvis so he could better reach me, as tingling pleasure built between my thighs. When his mouth dipped to take one of my puckered nipples into his mouth, I nearly lost it.

This man was about to make me melt right here and now.

My core tightened and my breathing hitched as his thumb picked up tempo. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, fighting against the bliss that wanted to overtake me.

“Let go,” he whispered, his attention pulling away from my breast to fixate on my bottom lip. He nipped it, and then skimmed his lips down the length of my neck. “I’ve got you.”

He slid one finger in, and then a second, moving at the perfect pace, and I felt like I might combust from so much pleasure building inside me.

It had been a long time since I’d been touched by a man like this.

When I finally gave in and broke apart, shattering into a blissful state of pure euphoria, time itself slowed down. All I could feel was him. He clouded my senses like a heavy fog.

“Beautiful,” he whispered, and I opened my eyes to see that he’d been staring at me.

I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his. He lined himself up with my slick center, and all I could think about was how much I wanted this—how much I wanted him.

I craved that type of connection with him.

He pulled back, his eyes searching mine for any sign of hesitation. I gave him nothing but encouragement as I moved my hands over his back, urging him closer. He moved his hips with a carefulness that made my heart swell as he slowly entered me.

This was more than a physical thing happening between us—it was as if our souls were intertwining.

“You feel incredible,” he groaned as he found a rhythm that had pleasure building in my core quickly.

I clung to him, my nails digging into his back as I urged him on, desperate for more and feeling the same. His lips found mine in a searing kiss, and our tongues tangled as we lost ourselves in the moment. Moments later, I could feel the tension building inside him as his movements became more erratic while he chased his release. I wrapped my legs tighter around his waist, wanting to feel every inch of him as he brought us both to the brink of ecstasy.

With a final, powerful thrust, he buried himself deep inside me, a guttural moan tearing from his throat as he found his release. The feeling of him pulsing within me sent me over the edge, and I cried out his name as my own orgasm suddenly crashed over me.

We stayed like that for a moment, bodies entwined as we caught our breath, basking in the afterglow of our lovemaking. He pressed soft kisses to my neck and shoulder, causing warmth to swell within my chest.

Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled out of me and we stood there, our foreheads pressed together while we both struggled to catch our breath.

“I can’t believe we just did that up here,” I said, feeling giddy. “I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“Honestly, me either.” He smiled shyly, putting space between us again as he met my stare. “It was amazing, though.”

Yes, it was.

“I never knew it could be like that,” I confessed. “So…” I trailed off, searching for the right word. “Connected.”

“It’s the mate bond,” he said matter-of-factly. “It heightens the intimacy of it.”

“You say that like you know from past experience.”

“Nope. My bobcat will only choose a mate once. It’s how it works, so I don’t have any past experience with this, I just know what I’ve been told.”

I liked that—that his bobcat could only choose once and that he’d chosen me. There was a strong sense of reassurance in knowing that. Not that I’d needed it, but it was still nice to know.

“So,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “What now?”

“I think we should watch a movie,” I suggested, not ready to let him go yet.

“A movie sounds good.”

I held his gaze, biting my bottom lip, feeling a warmth I hadn’t felt in ages. This felt right—a step toward something new.

I was living again, breathing, and no longer rooted in place.

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