42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

Mason

When I woke up in Cameron’s bed, it felt like the start of a new day. There had been a silent but undeniable shift in the energy around me like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Not that my anxiety had completely vanished, but the load was certainly lessened.

That being said, I had a strange, lingering feeling that everyone in the house knew something I didn’t. I was used to Sophia, Cameron, and Sebastian being nice to me, but it felt like they were being unusually attentive.

Sebastian had brought home two bags loaded with alarmingly-blue confections, and let me know there was a box of raspberry popsicles in the freezer too. When I sat down to share some of my treats with the kids, Sophia came home with a new pair of pajamas for me, and after I got comfortable and settled in, Cameron rubbed my shoulders while I read one of the many dust-covered romance novels on Sophia’s shelf.

To top it all off, they all kept asking me if I was okay, and all I could think was: why wouldn’t I be?

After being asked that damned question for the hundredth time, I ran into Lucian’s room to hide, bringing only the bag of sour gummies with me. I would have grabbed my phone too, but I had no idea where the fuck it had run off to, and I didn’t care enough to look. I filled my alone time with Lucian’s guitar, plucking the strings in no particular order. I’d never admit it, but he was a much better guitarist than me… probably because he taught me in the first place.

One of my favorite aspects of music was how it traveled from one person to the next. Leona showed me how to play the clarinet. Lucian taught me guitar and piano. Sophia’s mom, Victoria, schooled me in the art of poetry, and my dad started it all off by giving me my first violin. No matter how out of place I felt, music had always been my home, and not like the broken one I grew up in. Music was the comfort I could always return to when the world no longer made sense.

I had been so lost in that feeling that I didn’t notice Lucian staring at me from the doorway until he cleared his throat. My heart jumped out of my chest, and I almost dropped the guitar.

“You look like I just caught you doing crack.” He stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him.

I choked on a breath as I prepared an excuse for why I was touching his things without permission, but the look on his face halted my musings. Lucian’s expression was soft, and a coy smile tugged at one corner of his lips, causing a dimple to decorate his cheek. As I stared at him, I forgot how to breathe. His eyes trained on mine, and I focused on his forehead as the weight of eye contact became too much to bear.

“It was cocaine, actually.” I tried to deny the flutter in my chest with a weak joke.

“If I can’t do coke, neither can you,” Lucian snorted.

He approached me, extending a hand to take the instrument from me. I took the strap off before passing the well-polished rosewood to him. After returning it to its stand, he pushed me to the side, settling onto the piano bench with me. His leg wasn’t touching mine, but that didn’t stop a tingle from sweeping across my skin, as if my atoms were begging to touch his.

Slowly, I allowed my knee to press against his, and he placed a hand on my thigh. The dark material of my pajamas contrasted with the plethora of silver rings on his hand, and a nervous hum escaped me as I zeroed in on his ring finger. Something about the slip of silver masquerading as a wedding ring caused my mind to swim.

No part of me wanted to marry Lucian—not yet, anyway—but that had been the plan, years ago. I wasn’t sure when my senses would wash ashore, but I knew I felt an odd pang of jealousy at the idea of Lucian having a spouse who wasn’t me.

“You decorated my favorite choker,” I squeaked, gesturing to his hand. He barked out a laugh, and I looked away, desperately trying to cling to the idea that I didn’t love Lucian.

As soon as Seb’s case ended, he and I would leave. There would be no life with Lucian, no future with Sophia, no co-parenting with Cameron. As I promised myself it would be better that way, the little voice in the back of my head disagreed, telling me I wanted to stay, and that I should. But I was too afraid of the what-ifs to entertain that thought.

“I’m better than you at guitar, by the way.” He elbowed my arm.

Things were getting too familiar with us. Recently, it felt like the last six years didn’t exist, that Lucian and I had never broken up. Those feelings only amplified the imaginary wedding bells chiming in the distance.

“Oh—I’m sorry, how many instruments can you play?“ I challenged.

He rolled his eyes. “Only things with strings, the organ, and the piano.”

“Actually, the piano has strings.”

“God, you’re annoying.” He looked at the instrument in his lap for a moment before putting it on a nearby stand and reaching into his pocket to produce a very familiar-looking phone.

“Where did you find that?” I asked, retrieving it from his hand.

Before he could answer, I had already unlocked the screen. Usually, my phone was a sea of notifications: comments on my social media, texts from my manager or PR specialist, and recently, missed phone calls from my dad’s assistant. But now I had absolutely nothing. I thought this was a little weird, but part of me was relieved that nobody was trying to contact me.

Lucian smirked. “I had Cam hide it… I really don’t want you talking to your dad.”

He leaned back onto the piano, causing random, out-of-tune notes to sound as his elbows collided with the keys. Lucian’s confession should have made me mad. It was one thing to ask me not to contact my father; it was another to steal my personal property, even if it was just for a few hours.

“I’m not happy you did that.” But I wasn’t quite angry, either.

Lucian shrugged. “And I’m not happy that James Albright is a piece of shit.”

I exhaled, knowing he was right.

Still, I loved my dad. No one in this house knew what he was like before my mom scooped me up and forced me to live in America. Lucian and Sophia saw the custody battle, how my dad would promise to visit and flake before trying to buy my forgiveness. Cameron had listened to my stories of all the wrongs my dad had done. Sebastian had the most complete picture, but he was still missing the first eleven years of my life with my dad.

None of them knew how he used to read to me every night. No one sat in on the violin lessons. Nobody saw him bringing me treats backstage when I came to his concerts as a kid. If they really knew my father the way I did, they’d understand my love for him.

“Turn that frown upside down, kitten. We’re having a good night tonight.”

Lucian bent down and grabbed a stack of leather-bound books—the same ones I had seen Pepper snuggled up with a few weeks ago. It was easy to forget just how tall Lucian was when compared to Sebastian and Cameron, but as I watched him effortlessly grasp three books in one hand, I felt small. Not in a bad way; it was just a sudden reminder that I was living among giants.

“Hey, before we go out there… Can I tell you something?” His tone was even, with absolutely no hints of the sarcasm or irritation he normally carried.

Lucian’s gaze settled on me. Light from a nearby lamp caught in his sharp features, illuminating his abyssal gaze. In most lighting conditions, it was hard to discern where Lucian’s pupil ended and his iris started. But, in the glow of the lamp, they were so much more than brown; flecks of green ran through them like seedlings bursting forth from damp soil.

With his cold demeanor and dark looks, Lucian should have reminded me of winter: brutal, frigid, and completely unforgiving. For the longest time, that was the Lucian that lived on in my memories. But now, as I basked in his radiance, Lucian reminded me of spring.

My face warmed as I realized I had been staring.

“You’re not going to ask me if I’m okay, right?”

His nose wrinkled, and he jerked back.

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

My chest fell with a sigh of relief. If Lucian were being nice to me, I’d officially know there was something to worry about.

“As long as it’s not that question, you can say anything.”

He blinked slowly as he tucked my hair behind my ear, leaving his hand to linger on my cheek. Instinctively, I melted into his palm.

“I’m really glad you came back,” he whispered.

He pressed his forehead to mine as he spoke, allowing me to breathe him in.

“If you tell anyone I said that, I’ll call you a fucking liar.”

I nodded, but I didn’t believe him. If he was glad I was back, why wouldn’t he tell his kids we were dating?

Lucian withdrew his hand, leaving the air between us to chill the remaining warmth from his touch. Then he stood, taking a moment to stretch. I tried not to stare at the thin strip of skin that appeared around his waist as he lifted his arms above his head.

“I got dinner.”

“Oooh, what did you get me?” I cleared my lingering apprehension and forced a happy face.

The twitch in Lucian’s lips spread to a full grin.

“Your favorite: a cylindrical quesadilla.”

The look on Lucian’s face told me he knew he was being an asshole—not like I ever questioned that fact. It was one of my favorite things about Lucian; he was well aware of what he was, and he didn’t care. You could either like it or leave it. He wouldn’t change just to please anyone else, and I envied him for that.

I was starting to get used to seeing a packed dining room table. Family dinner was one of those things I didn’t realize I was missing until I fully settled into the routine of the family around me. Along with dinner for everyone, Lucian had purchased a small mountain of chips and every dip on the menu at the local Mexican restaurant. It was the perfect meal for sharing.

“Did you get the photo albums?” Sophia called.

“Yep.” He sat at one of the empty seats, and that’s when I realized some of the chairs were missing. Usually, there were eight in total, which would have left four empty seats for me to choose from, but the only spot remaining was the one between Sophia and Lucian.

“What are you looking at? Come sit down,” Lucian ordered.

“If you’d like, I can move so you can be beside Cameron,” Sebastian offered. I was a little shocked that he didn’t tell Lucian to swap seats with him so he could sit beside me. Was Seb finally learning to get along with everyone?

“That’s okay.” I held up a hand. “You look comfortable next to Cameron.”

They looked at each other with a shared expression that rested somewhere between friendly and understanding. It wasn’t quite romantic, but they were acting more comfortable with each other. This whole situation was so peaceful, it was surreal.

Sophia pulled out the empty chair before patting it. My chest was full as I finally meandered toward the table. I cautiously sat down like this was all some sick dream, unable to shake the feeling that I shouldn’t be here.

“Okay, so here’s the ground rules,” Lucian stated, plucking a chip off the mound before using it to gesture around the table. “The only one permitted to ask questions about these pictures is Cameron. The rest of us lived it. If you don’t remember, sucks to fucking suck.”

Sebastian shot Lucian a narrow gaze, and Lucian blew him a kiss. Seb dragged a hand down his face as Sophia laughed. Her breath was ripe with the scent of sweet lime and tequila. She was holding some kind of strange black-market drink pouch— a clear bag filled with a green, icy slush. Sophia had stabbed a pink curly straw through a sticker in the top.

“I didn’t know you could get alcohol to-go from restaurants.” That seemed like a great way to promote drinking and driving.

“You usually can’t, but all of Hartwood knows Luci is sober. Nobody’s worried about him drinking in the car on the way home, so they make exceptions when he’s picking up takeout.”

Sophia leaned across me, tapping Lucian’s nose with her finger. I wondered if there was a story behind that, but I didn’t want to ruin the evening by opening what might be a can of worms. Instead, I just accepted that Lucian had probably done something stupid, and now Sophia was punishing him by making him bring her margaritas. That was good enough for me.

“Rule two.” Lucian grabbed Sophia’s hand and forced her to hold up two fingers before dropping it. Sophia let it fall onto my stomach for a moment before taking it back to pick up her drink. I smiled at the gesture.

Lucian continued: “No one is allowed to fuck Sophia. She’s drunk.”

“I am not,” she protested.

“Correction—She is not drunk yet .”

God, they really hadn’t changed at all during the whole time I was gone.

“Can y’all quit?” Cameron scolded. “How many rules do you need for a damn book, anyway?”

Lucian smirked as he held up three fingers, using them to point at Cameron.

“Third rule! Shut up.”

“I feel like we’ve given Lucky too much power… it’s already going to his head.” Sebastian sounded bored as he picked at the mound of plain chicken and vegetables in front of him. Looking at his dinner, I had to question his sanity. Only a serial killer would order such bland food from a Mexican restaurant.

“You shut up too.” Lucian finally popped his chip into his mouth. The soft crunch echoed off the dining room’s high ceiling.

“The real last rule is only touch the pages with clean hands… I’ll be really upset if anything happens to these.”

Aw, how sweet .

Finally, with the rules established, we all dug into our food as we took a stroll down memory lane.

The first album had photos from way before I ever set foot in America. The initial page opened to a much younger, very confused Lucian holding a baby Sebastian. Leona was close by, but not fully in the photo.

“Behold!” Lucian exclaimed, sweeping the book through the air. “The day I found out my dad was a whore.”

I choked on a laugh. I expected Sebastian to have a comeback; instead, he rolled his eyes.

“Nope, that’s it. I need a beer.” Cameron excused himself from the table.

“You’re going to end up part of the drunk no-sex rule,” Lucian warned.

“Oh, Cameron doesn’t follow that rule.” For emphasis, I rested a hand on my rounded stomach. A flutter of glee shot through me as my daughter came alive at my touch.

Sophia giggled at my joke like I was the funniest person in the world, but Lucian shot me a murderous glare. Refusing to acknowledge his ire, I unrolled my burrito and crunched up a handful of chips before sprinkling them atop the pile of veggies and imitation meat crumbles. He rolled his eyes, but elected to move on with his presentation.

We spent an hour looking through the first album, fawning over Lucian’s chubby cheeks and how cute Seb looked in his first pair of glasses. Sophia was in her fair share of the photos, too; she and the Castillo boys had been inseparable ever since Heather, one of her moms, became Sebastian’s nanny. There were more than a few photos of Sophia with her little hands on her hips, platinum pigtails mid-swing as she bossed the boys around.

When Lucian flipped to the last page, I was pleased to see that the last photo was a close-up of me and Sophia. She had her arm around my shoulders, and she was smiling so wide her eyes were squeezed shut. I was smiling too, but my expression carried an undercurrent of bewilderment.

Although my mom only spoke English and my dad was fluent, neither of them bothered to teach me. I always assumed they were just too busy. When my mom brought me to America, I couldn’t understand a word anyone said to me... but that didn’t stop Sophia from talking my ear off anyway. Come to think of it, the Whites and the Castillos were the first people who really cared to talk to me, other than my au pair back in France.

A lump formed in my throat; one I swallowed down with a drink of water. If anyone had asked, I would have blamed the emotion on pregnancy hormones.

Lucian’s second book began almost immediately after the first one left off. Though it was the same size, it took even longer to look through. There were all sorts of pictures from our high school days, especially the football games. I looked so happy back then, fucked-up teeth on full display as I grasped Lucian’s arm in one hand and my purple clarinet in the other.

Every so often, Cameron would stop and ask a question about what we were doing, or if there was a story behind why a photo was taken. Lucian and Sophia took turns answering those questions while I remained spellbound by the younger versions of ourselves. It seemed like every other photo, the style or color of my hair changed. But the bond between Lucian, Sophia, and I always remained the same.

Most of the time, a friend group with two girls and one guy was a recipe for disaster. Inevitably, the guy would start dating one of the girls, and someone would get hurt. But there had never been any struggle between Sophia and me when it came to Lucian. Even if they both had a crush on the other for God knows how long, they never acted on it. Not until I pushed them to, at least.

Although Lucian’s dad liked to say I corrupted his son, it was definitely a triad of mutual sin. Sophia introduced us to the idea that being gay was normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. Lucian was the one who encouraged Sophia and me to rebel, even if that word had very different meanings to both of us. My idea of teenage rebellion was drinking and experimenting with sex; Sophia’s was dying her hair brown exactly once. And I was the one who brought up the idea of polyamory, more or less.

Lucian and I were drunk in Sophia’s basement. I started crying, which wasn’t unusual for me, but the two of them always acted like it was the first time they’d ever seen me break down. Not that they were surprised, but they’d drop everything to make sure I was okay. That night, I told them I had a crush on both of them, but I was terrified to lose their friendship. I must have understood from a young age how terrible it was to love someone like me.

But they didn’t confirm my worst fears. Instead, we all ended up on the soft white carpet, staring at the ceiling with our heads pressed together. We spent hours talking about what a relationship with three people would even look like. I’d known Lucian and Sophia both had feelings for each other, so I was more than a little shocked to discover that they both felt the same way about me. The exact semantics of that night had faded over time, but I remember kissing Lucian and then Sophia before falling asleep at some point.

The next thing I remembered was Sophia’s mom, Heather, coming down the steps and throwing a pillow at Lucian.

As the memory flooded in, I couldn’t contain my laughter. The entire table looked at me, and I clamped a hand over my mouth.

“What’s so funny?” Lucian asked, and something about the serious look on his face made me laugh even harder.

I was well aware of the attention I was commanding, but for the first time in forever, I didn’t care. There was no little voice in my head telling me to chop myself into more palatable chunks. All I wanted to do was exist in this beautiful moment that lingered somewhere between past and present.

“I was thinking about when Heather threw a pillow at you.” I giggled, taking a few breaths to compose myself enough to mimic Heather’s raspy New England accent:

“ Lucian Castillo, how many times do we have to tell you that you’re not allowed to sleep with the girls?”

Sophia’s laughter mingled with mine. “Oh my god! I forgot about that.”

Tears gathered in the corner of her eyes, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand before placing it on my shoulder. Our lingering chuckles subsided as she made eye contact with me. The room seemed to fall away, and all that existed was Sophia.

Slowly, she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. She was sweet, and this kiss felt long overdue.

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, flicking her tongue across my lower lip as she kissed me again. I thought for sure Lucian was going to have to remind her of rule two, but after the second kiss, she pulled away, leaving her forehead lingering on mine. We sat there in silence for a moment, breathing each other in.

“I’m so glad you’re home,” she whispered.

My heart swelled to the point it was hard to breathe. Both she and Lucian had said that exact thing to me, so it must be true. That was it—I was going to cry like a baby and make an absolute fool of myself if I didn’t let out some of the emotions threatening to drown me.

“I still love you,” I choked, just loud enough for her to hear.

Her face softened as she granted me one last quick peck.

“I’ve always loved you too.”

But, selfish as I was, I needed more.

Forever was a big concept, one I didn’t have the words to voice, even if it was what I wanted. I had lived the previous six years dying for a sense of belonging like the one I had here. In that moment, I was being loud and emotional, doing all the things I once thought made me terrible, and no one was upset with me. They weren’t yelling, calling me embarrassing, or even telling me to stop. They were looking at me with so much warmth that the lingering ice around my heart melted away, leaving me beautifully defenseless. The feeling was just as terrifying as it was wonderful. And at that moment, all my what-ifs and worst fears suddenly didn’t matter.

“If you love me, does that mean I can stay even after Seb finishes the case?”

Sophia ran her hands through my hair as the tears I had been denying finally escaped.

“Of course, Mason. We’ll always have room for you.”