VAL, AKA RALLYING THE TROUBLEMAKING TROOPS

I’ve been in a state of heat since leaving Lola back in Basin Rock. Each day, my need grows more obnoxious. I have never whacked off more in my life. I can handle the hard-ons. Yet, my heart is actually in pain waiting to see her again.

Finally, the day of the engagement party arrives. The food is delivered. The sound system is ready to play great tunes from Lynyrd Skynyrd to The Killers. I have Lola’s favorite song, “Foolin” by Def Leppard set to play as she arrives.

All I need to do is convince my family to help me look good in front of Lola and her people. I line up my parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents outside before the Rawkfist club guys arrive. Lola messages to warn she’s twenty minutes away.

I’m running out of time to get my beloved family to agree not to embarrass me!

“What is this?” Pa-Emmett asks when I silence everyone with an exaggerated “shh” noise.

“I’m asking you all to behave.”

“No,” Tuesday says while West shakes his head.

“I will behave very meekly like a sexually satisfied raccoon,” Alexis offers, immediately winning a grin from my brother who thinks she needs him to wrap himself around her body.

“I will also behave in a well-banged manner,” Tuesday announces and reaches for Bullet.

Roxie frowns at her stepmom before looking up at me. “I won’t embarrass you.”

“Of course not. You’re a sharp kiddo.”

I feel the fifteen-year-old about to go super Nova teenage bitchy on me, so I turn away and focus on my brother.

“No embarrassing pictures.”

“Too late. I already have one of you covered in your own shit. Looks like you’re about to lick it off your fingers,” West says and shows me how the photo is his phone’s wallpaper. “This needs to be shared with the world.”

“Holster that shit,” Court demands, sounding like a wild beast.

Auntie Justice nearly faints from his macho exuberance. She brushes her pixie bangs from her face and fans her pink cheeks. Despite my serious mood, I can’t help grinning at the sight of my aunt swooning next to him.

“Thank you, Uncle,” I tell Court, batting my eyes for his benefit.

After giving me an eye roll, he explains to everyone, “This isn’t any woman and her family showing up today. The Suns are coming, too. If you treat this dumbass,” Court says and juts his thumb at me, “like the dumbass he is, those shithead club fucks won’t respect him. Then, when he tells them to heel, they’ll push back. That harms the club and puts our family at risk.”

West looks between Court and me before giving Alexis a quick glance. She rewards his attention with a big smile.

My brother decides he can’t give up a giant opportunity to bring me down to his loser level. “Naw, I think the Suns will see a lot of themselves in this shit-covered loser.”

Court glances at my dad, hoping he’ll get us in line.

“Charleston is run by crazy fuckers,” Pa-Emmett grumbles, having once worn the Charleston patch. “They are Nazi rapist monsters.”

The women all scoot closer to their perspective men, and the jovial mood takes a nose dive into a dirty toilet.

“But they’re lazy,” Emmett adds and shrugs at Court. “I don’t see them putting much effort into controlling our little part of West Virginia. Our club and the Blood-Red Suns should be enough to keep them away. But if Duke decides to bail on the state and head to Florida, Rawkfist might be in trouble.”

“See?” I say and look around at everyone. “It’s important for you not to embarrass me.”

“Yeah, but you also need to not embarrass yourself,” Court mutters and swipes West’s phone. “No gross pictures. No stories about Val’s wild dick adventures.”

“So, we have to act boring?” Tuesday asks and turns to our mom.

Ma-Poppy has been oddly quiet today. I worried she might be genuinely upset over meeting Lola. However, I’ve started to suspect she’s saving up all her gasps and sass attacks for when our guests arrive.

Pa-Emmett leans down to check if his wife is conscious when she remains silent.

“She’s just plotting,” he says and shrugs. “Nothing I can do about that, but you boys need to behave.”

For some reason, Pa-Emmett ends his order by pointing at Ike as if my cousin is the troublemaker.

“Don’t pitch your attitude this way,” Auntie Journey mutters, protecting her boy and flexing her primo, buff arms. “Your kids are the worst drama llamas in the family. Well, assuming Justice’s kids aren’t in town.”

“They left me!” Auntie Justice cries dramatically. “I raised them too well, and they turned out independent! I should have coddled them more!”

Uncle Court pats his wife’s head and focuses on me. “You’ve been horny and weird for days.”

“Thank you.”

Ignoring West’s snicker, Court continues, “You’re focused on the girl part of this situation.”

“She’s very hot.”

“Yes, but you’re vying to become the VP for a club full of easily agitated dumbasses. They follow Duke McGraw because he holds himself in a certain way. You need to figure out how to imitate that.”

“Can’t I simply win them over with my natural dramatic flair and shiny good looks?”

Tuesday begins clapping at my words, but I can’t tell if she’s doing so sarcastically or in genuine support. Ma-Poppy wants so badly to chime in, but she’s chosen to rest her tongue for later.

“You know,” Tuesday says, and my uncles roll their eyes, “Duke has an affable way about himself. Like when I was in his face and talking about his mom riding his dick, he barely got upset. Maybe Val’s shiny-happy-people routine will work. He’s also big and strong. I mean look at these muscles.”

I flex for everyone. The women seem impressed, and King Peepaw Jared nods approvingly. My father and uncles aren’t as awestruck. West shakes his head as if my muscles are puny, and he ought to flex his superior ones.

“Brilliant,” Tuesday says and looks at the men. “But seriously, maybe having Val pretend to be serious and tough isn’t the right move. These guys aren’t used to tyrants like Court. They’re used to a different kind of dictator.”

“Did Cubby tell you that?” Edith sneers at my sister.

“Yes. He told me lots of stuff about the club. He will make a great snitch one day,” Tuesday says and then pats my back. “And I shared all my inside info with Val. He’s well-versed in the Suns’ inner workings. I believe in him.”

This time when she claps, I know my sister is being supportive. Roxie decides to help Tuesday seem less lame by also clapping. Alexis joins in, followed by Oana. Edith shakes her head at her sister-in-law, signaling her to stop.

“Since you’re feeling helpful,” I tell Edith, “I need you to run interference with Duke McGraw. I’ve got the aunts keeping Lola’s grandma busy. Roxie and Alexis will entertain Clover. I’ll focus on Lola.”

“And your men,” Court insists. “If you can’t do this shit, we’ll send someone who can.”

“No one gets to marry Lola except me.”

Court looks at Donovan before Pa-Emmett joins their furrowed-brow conversation. King Peepaw leans in to silently reassure the other men that I have this thing in the bag.

“And if he fucks up, we’ll fix shit,” King Peepaw throws in when the other men don’t seem convinced by his reassuring winks and smirks.

As Rawkfist members roll onto the homestead, I get my ma alone and lovingly fib right to her face, “Lola’s mother died in a horrible accident involving fire and screams. Very traumatic.”

Ma-Poppy offers me a sly grin. “Don’t bother lying. I know everything there is to know about your little miss thing. I’ve got spies everywhere, boy.”

“Ma, you’re scaring me,” I whimper, making her laugh. “But seriously, I don’t want you getting into a fistfight with Lola. I’m still going to love her afterward, but I’ll have to feel guilty on account of your black eye.”

“Wait, so you think the little hussy can take me in a fight?”

“Of course. You’re too sweet to be dangerous.”

Ma-Poppy refuses to fall for my tender lies. Suddenly, she goes still and frowns.

“You think you love her?”

“I know I do.”

“Based on what?”

“Lola and I hung out one night. I’ve been stalking her for a bit. She’s got all the best qualities.”

Ma-Poppy exhales hard. “I don’t know.”

“After you fell for Alexis, you got yourself a second daughter. That ginger clown will soon give you adorable grandbabies. But remember when she was just the redheaded offspring of raccoons?”

Smiling grudgingly, Ma-Poppy nods. “I wanted to hate Alexis so much.”

“But she owns West’s heart. She also sassed her way right into your heart.”

“I do love my ginger daughter.”

“So maybe you can learn to love Lola. Or at least, she could be the daughter-in-law you shit talk behind her back,” I suggest and hug my mom. “But never to her face.”

“Because I can’t take her in a fight?”

“Exactly. She’d drop you so easily. My boner and heart would barely recover from the sight.”

Ma-Poppy is a wonderful woman, but she does love drama. I can’t imagine she’ll be able to help herself. However, maybe she can focus her crazy on Erin McGraw and let Lola be.

Ditching Ma-Poppy, I head to the DJ to ensure he doesn’t play “Foolin” until Lola exits her SUV.

My dream girl is a bossy woman with specific ideas about the world. For her to bow to my will, she’ll need to know I can make her happy. Her favorite song is just the first step.