VAL, AKA THE LEAST FAVORITE SON

After a perfect evening with my dream girl, I’m forced to leave her side so I can ride home and pack up supplies. Lola plans to drop by her dad’s house while I’m gone. We’ll meet up this afternoon to engage in more cohabitational bliss. I’m already missing her by the time I pull my motorcycle into the homestead’s detached garage.

Despite longing for my sexy woman, I’m happy to be home. Familiar scents fill the air. I hear our dogs barking. Lynyrd Skynyrd is playing somewhere. I hear my family’s voices as they fill up Queen Meemaw Christine’s massive back deck.

I’m surprised to find my great-grandparents Zeb and Coretta in the mix. I knew my family planned to do more brunch parties, but I can’t believe they decided to start that shit while I was out of town.

When everyone stops chatting and stares at me, I announce, “I have returned a changed man!”

“You look the same to me,” OG Peepaw Zeb says before standing up and circling me. “Scrawny and on the ugly side.”

“Thank you, old timer,” I reply and return to my announcement. “I have known the sweet loving of my future wife. All is right in the world.”

“Such a shame you couldn’t keep it in your pants until your wedding night,” Pa-Emmett mutters. “A real man has self-control.”

“Nope, not me,” Zeb announces, winning frowns from everyone while OG Meemaw Coretta acts like she’s gone as deaf as she is blind. “I got it in good with Coretta right away and left my mark. No man was gonna hit that pussy like I was gonna hit it.”

“You’re being too romantic, OG Peepaw,” Tuesday coos. “Maybe shut up a little, will ya?”

“You were always a hussy.”

“I know, but I’m now married to a man willing to bury you in the woods. So, you know, zip it and let Val brag about his dick.”

“Thank you,” I tell my sister while Zeb wanders off, muttering how he could kick Bullet’s ass back in the day.

Tuesday curtsies before saying, “When we go dress shopping with Lola, should we bring a wheelchair to help with the limp you’ve left her with?”

“No, no, I was very gentle.”

“This feels too graphic,” West gripes after he stops making out with Alexis long enough to speak. “You’re grossing everyone out.”

Though I consider complaining about the double standards, West’s tongue has already returned to his wife’s mouth. There’s no point in complaining if he won’t be listening.

“I’m confused,” Ike mutters, having trouble thinking with Oana sitting on his lap. “Is this still an arranged marriage, even though you want her?”

Nodding, I stroke my ma’s head while explaining, “The family and club are getting something out of it. But yeah, I’m still marrying Lola, even if her dad backs out of the deal.”

“No go,” Pa-Emmett grumbles. “If Duke doesn’t want this deal, you’ll need to dump his daughter for at least a year to make him suffer for being an asshole.”

“That’s dumb,” Edith mutters, and we all look at her in shock since she’s been suspiciously quiet lately. With our gazes on her, my cousin snarls in response, just daring someone to mess with her. “I love tormenting Val as much as anyone, but he cares about this girl. His heart is not a joke.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” I say and try to force Edith into a hug. She’s a surprisingly nimble chick, so I finally give up chasing her without being able to smother her in my love. “You’re very mature.”

“Wait, why was it okay to meddle in my love life?” Ike asks, frowning at his sister now hiding behind a tree. “But Val deserves compassion? What the frick, Edith?”

“Yeah,” Otto adds since he senses his little brother needs someone to pretend to care. “Not cool. Ike has feelings. I mean, probably, right?”

The brothers give each other dark glares before sharing a smile. I look to my siblings for support, but Tuesday is tired from helping me earlier, and West might have hurt himself from making out with Alexis for so long.

“I forgot what’s happening,” Auntie Justice says and nuzzles Court’s throat. “Are we happy or is something else happening?”

“I’m happy!” I announce. “My dream girl is crazy about me. We’re getting married. I had a Philly cheese steak last night. It’s all good.”

“Yeah, that’s great, son,” Pa Emmett replies, winning smirks from Court and Donovan. “But this is also about business. When you agreed to this arranged marriage, you volunteered to wrap your love life up with the club’s future.”

“What else was I going to do? I couldn’t have Lola marry someone else.”

“Maybe she really should marry someone else,” Ma-Poppy mutters. “I’m back to not liking her.”

“Lola said she hopes our babies look like you,” I lie to my ma. “She saw a picture of you as a little girl and went nuts over your sweet cheeks.”

My ma beams with pride, looks at her sisters to gloat, realizes from their expressions that I’m playing her, and frowns at me.

“Least favorite son,” she mutters.

“She agreed to name our daughter after you,” I say and cuddle with my ma. “And the only reason she hasn’t cooed over your baby pictures is because I don’t have any on my phone for her to see.”

“Wait, you don’t have your mother’s baby pictures on your phone?” Pa-Emmett asks, feigning shock. “Decent men carry that shit with them at all times.”

“Do you have pictures of Ma as a baby on your phone?” I ask my father.

“No, but I have more interesting photos.”

My parents share a deviously sexual moment, forcing me to stop hugging my mom.

“Stop eye fucking each other while I’m in the way,” I grumble and walk over to Court. “This thing with Duke is going to be fine. I’ve already started winning him over.”

Court studies me before asking, “Is that just your ego talking or do you have actual facts to back up your claim?”

“Duke was impressed by my work ethic at his family’s diner. Now he wants me to ride with him around Basin Rock.”

“Don’t give away free labor, son,” Pa-Emmett insists after he finishes horn-dogging my ma. “Make these people work for your approval, not the other way around.”

“No,” I say, winning frowns from the men in my family. “Duke is on edge. He feels vulnerable. I’m going to be his son-in-law, and I love his daughter. I want to win his approval. Once he’s crazy about me, he won’t be able to think of our club as his rival anymore. Because when he sees the men in charge, he’ll see my family.”

“That’s actually smart,” King Peepaw Jared says.

“I’ve never been dumb,” I state as if I’ve been playing a long con. “I just seem that way because of my beautiful face and gorgeous body.”

“That happens to me, too!” Tuesday cries, winning a snort from Roxie. “Being beautiful is a chore.”

She doesn’t sell those last words, but I appreciate her support nonetheless.

“I’ve got this,” I tell Pa-Emmett and then look at Court and Donovan. “I would die if I lost Lola. She’s my dream girl. This shit is important to me. I am not half-assing anything. My entire fine ass is involved, and I’m going to make it so the two clubs are tight.”

Otto clears his throat. “These are the moments when I wish Val would be my future president. He provides such insight and dignity.”

A horrified West stands up too fast and nearly launches Alexis into the air. Once he settles his ginger woman in the chair, my brother storms toward our cousin.

“I’m better than this dumb shit,” he snarls at Otto who smiles at how his words sparked the desired reaction. “I’m going to punish you a lot when I’m in charge.”

Court rolls his eyes and announces, “This is the kind of shit that makes me afraid to retire.”

“Be more mature, so Court can spend more time home with me,” Auntie Justice insists before muttering, “I blame my sisters’ terrible mothering skills.”

Ma-Poppy and Auntie Journey instantly jump on that comment and start mocking Justice for her many parenting mistakes. The conversation steers away from my love life to the point where I end up settling next to Ike and Oana.

“You’ll watch out for Lola, won’t you?” I ask the lithesome blonde. “She’s the new girl in the family, and you know how that feels.”

Oana smiles sweetly. “I’ll have her back.”

I glance at Alexis hiding under the umbrella. She offers me a smile similar to Oana’s. Tuesday throws me a thumbs-up from her spot near the tree where Edith still hides.

The older generation might still see this as an arranged marriage, but the younger ladies of the homestead are ready to rally around Lola and bring her into the fold.