Player Chapter 11

She said goodbye to all my brothers and asked them to apologize to the ladies and their kids for scaring them, which they waved off. They informed her she had nothing to be sorry about. I knew as soon as we left, Outlaw would get to work on finding Bosch and investigating Gordon. While he did, Tank would call to update Bull, even if he was technically on vacation. Tank, as VP, was in charge in Bull's absence, but this was too big not to at least keep Bull in the loop. If we didn't, when our president returned, he'd kick our asses.

I drove Saylor and Freya to the townhouse. I got her to let me take care of Freya's needs while she got ready for bed. I insisted she be comfortable. When we were done, she would hopefully be able to sleep. I would stay the night to make sure she was protected.

Freya was watered, her wounds checked, and given a treat. She was now lying in her bed in the living room. She had one there, one in the kitchen, and Saylor's bedroom. I knew some people would object to her not being kenneled or staying in the living room, but the two of them were too close for that. Besides, she needed to be available at any time to help her mistress. I found I didn't mind her being near. She watched out for Saylor, which gave her comfort and a sense of safety. Freya was splayed out, looking totally relaxed and a little sleepy. I saw her yawn a few times.

Her head came up, and her eyes were glued to the hallway entrance. This told me Saylor was coming even if I wasn't able to see or hear her yet. I was right. Several seconds later, I heard a door open and then her footsteps coming down the stairs. It took restraint not to get up and guide her, but I knew she would hate it. My Juno needed to be as independent as possible. The house was set to her specifications. I had to let her decide if and when she wanted my help.

When I caught sight of her, I called to her. "Can I get you anything from the kitchen? I thought we could sit on the couch and talk." It was where we usually sat. She wouldn't be uneasy at the idea.

"I'd love a glass of tea if you would, please."

"Sure thing. Get comfortable. I'll be right there."

I poured her a glass of iced tea and got a soda for myself. She stocked the fridge not only with what she liked but also I noticed what I did as well. It made me feel good. Whether she was fully into me or not yet, she did think of me and cared enough to do a little thing like that. I took the drinks to the table next to the couch. I put them down. I let her find hers. Again, she preferred to do it herself. I sat next to her. She took a long drink and then sighed in contentment. When she was done and placed it back on the table, she turned to face me.

"Alright, Player, tell me what is so important you have to talk to me in private? Why are you the one they put the burden of trying to convince me to stay on? Shouldn't we be at the clubhouse with all the guys ganging up to tell me all the reasons I should remain here?"

"Yeah, typically, they probably would do it that way, but in your case, it's different. And no one put a burden on me to talk to you. Let's be clear about that."

"Okay, so hit me with it."

"First, I want you to do something for me." I made the decision to ask this of her. The worst she could do was say no. If she agreed, it would make it all more real to me and give me hope.

"As long as it's not a promise to stay, sure."

I laughed. "Babe, I know better than to try to sneak a promise from you that way. Give me some credit. No, this is something totally different. It's personal. I want you to call me Brooks, not Player. Or at least call me that whenever we're alone. It's my real name. You heard me use it with the warden and his assistant. Brooks O'Connor."

I saw surprise register on her face, and then she smiled slightly. "Brooks, I like it. It's different, like my name. Brooks O'Connor, that sounds so masculine and strong."

"Hey, I am both of those and more, Juno," I reminded her as I acted as if I was insulted.

She giggled and then held out her hand. "Hello, it's wonderful to meet you officially, Brooks. As you know, I'm Saylor, sometimes known as Juno."

I shook her hand, and then when I was done, I held onto it. She didn't pull away. My confidence jumped a degree. "It's great to meet you, too, Saylor slash Juno. I've been waiting to introduce myself."

"Why? You could've asked me to call you Brooks any time, although I'm not sure why you did. Isn't this something you usually wouldn't do? I'm honored you did, though."

"Saylor, it's something we bikers don't often do, and nearly all the time, the person we allow to know and use our real names is someone extremely close to us. In our case with the Warriors, it's some blood family, like our parents and siblings, and within the club, our old ladies or old men, whichever the case is."

She was frowning at me. "Then why are you asking me? I'm none of those."

Taking a deep breath, I went for it. God, let her not toss me out on my ass and tell me she'd never be mine . I prayed first.

"But I want you to be," I said softly.

She blinked a couple of times before I noted astonishment on her face. "Player, I mean Brooks, what does that mean?"

"It means while you're not blood, I want you to be mine. I want you as my old lady, Saylor. Surely, after these past few weeks, you've gotten the hint that you're more than a friend or an obligation to me. I know I started out as an utter fucking asshole to you. You have no idea how much I regret it and would change it if I could. I was wrestling with something, and it didn't become clear until you were attacked what it was. That incident made me see the light. I could've lost you before ever having you through my own stupidity. I've been trying to show you, and I planned to wait to have this talk with you, but this situation with Bosch has changed that," I rattled off. I hoped I made sense and wasn't throwing it at her too quickly, but it just seemed to roll out of me.

Her face was flushed, and her breathing had picked up. I wasn't sure if it was because she was happy about what I had just told her or if she was about to blast me to smithereens. I rubbed my thumb back and forth over the back of her hand. I had to force my knee not to jiggle. Tension grew within me as she stayed silent. I was about to burst and ask her to say something when she did.

"Brooks, wow, I don't know what to say other than, I can't believe this."

"Why can't you? Is it because of my assholish behavior? You have no idea how much I regret it."

"There is that, but have you really considered what this means to you?"

"I don't follow you."

"You would be tying yourself to a blind woman. Someone who would require assistance from you daily, sometimes more than once, for the rest of her life. I'll never be someone you can say, ‘Hey, run to the store and get this.' Freya will always be with us, and as much as I hate to think of her passing, when she does, another dog will be in her place. I can't cook or clean like most women can, though I do a lot. You'd have to constantly make sure not to move things, assuming we got to the point of living together. The list goes on."

I scooted closer until our knees were touching. "Juno, I've thought of all that and more. I've paid attention since I met you, even when I was acting like a prick. I see what you go through, and I've noted what you like and need to be as independent as possible. None of those things scare me if you're wondering. And yes, we will most definitely be living together if you say yes to being mine. That's what this is. I'm asking you, no, begging you, don't let my initial behavior make you reluctant to be with me. I'll make up for it. I swear."

After saying all that, I held my breath. I didn't know what I'd do if she said no. I hadn't let myself think that it would happen. Call it stupid, or just me trying positive thinking only, but now I wish I'd done a little thinking about it. Luckily, we were alone. If she denied me, and I got down on my knees to beg, no one but her and Freya would see me. I knew Freya couldn't narc me out. Hopefully, Saylor wouldn't tell anyone, either. Who would've ever thought the guy called Player would be at the mercy of a woman and terrified she didn't want him?

She sighed. My gut sank. "Brooks, I, oh God, how do I say this?"

"Just say it. I want the truth." I steeled myself for the pain and utter disappointment.

"It's not a matter of me not being attracted to you. It's a matter of whether I can trust you. My experience is men who are players remain players. My husband was one. I thought he changed when he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I took him at his word, only to find out in the end he lied. Whatever his reasons for marrying me were, they weren't enough to deny him other women. While I was overseas being blown up, he was back in the States screwing other women. You might find yourself attracted to me for some reason, but it's not a reason to declare you want me as your old lady. I know how serious that is to the club. It should be to you, too."

When she paused, I couldn't stop from jumping in to defend myself. "You're right, I've been a player. And it takes faith to believe a man like me won't cheat on you and break your heart. I get it. I do. However, I may have been the only one in this club named player, but I'm far from the only one who was one. I can assure you most of my married brothers were not saints either when it came to the ladies. But you know, looking at how they are with their old ladies and kids, they love them more than anything and would never do anything to destroy that. I'm the same. I wouldn't declare this unless I knew you were the one, and I can be faithful, Saylor." I let a pleading tone slip out. She hadn't outright denied me, which gave me hope.

"Let's say I can believe you. What changed? You were hateful in the beginning. Why?"

I knew this question would come up, but I just hoped to buy more time before it did. When I didn't answer right away, she tried to pull away. I held onto her.

"Don't. I'm trying to organize my thoughts so this makes sense. I'm not trying to get out of explaining. You deserve to know. The thing is no one in the club even knows this about me. Jayla, who knew me before anyone in the club met me, doesn't know this. I've hidden it for a long time and never planned to tell anyone."

"Then don't tell me. If it's that painful or private, you don't need to."

"Oh yes, I do if I want you. You deserve to know this and why I behaved the way I did. Here goes. You know I grew up with Jayla's brother, James, as my best friend, right?" I asked since I wasn't sure if Jayla had shared this information with her. I knew the ladies had shared a lot about themselves with her. She nodded yes.

"Well, there was a period of time after we graduated high school that we went our separate ways. James and I got accepted to two different colleges hours apart. We both had scholarships that we couldn't blow off, so we sucked up our disappointment at not being in the same college. We remained best friends despite the distance. We didn't see each other often, mainly on holidays and breaks. Even in the summer, we took classes because we were determined to graduate early and start a business together. It had been our plan for years, and we didn't want to wait any longer than absolutely necessary. That changed for me rather suddenly.

"I was in the middle of my junior year when I met someone. Her name was Christie." For years, even thinking or hearing the name Christie hurt. I found this time, it caused barely a twinge. I kept going. "She was a sophomore, and like I said, I was a junior. We hit it off big time. Before I knew it, we were inseparable. She became my girl. I lived off campus in a crappy apartment. She said she didn't care. She moved in with me. I thought life was perfect. I was going to marry her as soon as I graduated."

As I paused, she asked, "What happened?"

"I was holding off telling James and Jayla about her. I wanted to wait until we had our next break and then take her home to introduce her to them. I wanted to make it a surprise. A couple of months before it would've been time for that, she came to me all upset. She was crying her eyes out. I questioned her, terrified of what was wrong. She finally told me she was pregnant. She swore she didn't do it on purpose. From what she said, Christie was terrified I'd be angry at her. I was the opposite. I was happy. Sure, it complicated things, but I wanted to be a father. We were talking about marriage and the whole nine yards before that. It wasn't a huge deal. It would require us to adjust our schedule some, but so what."

I had to stop and breathe. The next part was what hurt the most. Saylor tugged loose one of her hands and brought it up to my face. She caressed my cheek, jaw, and my beard. Her touch made me relax.

"A month later, I found a note hidden in the back of my desk drawer. I'd accidentally yanked it open too hard, and it came all the way out. The paper fell on the floor. I thought something of mine got stuck, so I opened it. It was addressed to her from another man named Will. He was declaring his undying love to her and asking her if she'd told me yet about him and that she wanted him, not me."

"Oh, Brooks, no," she cried.

"Oh, that wasn't the worst, though it hurt. The worst was further down in the letter when he asked her if she'd had the abortion yet. He reiterated that they didn't want kids, and it seemed that regardless of whether it was mine or his, they planned to get rid of it."

I heard her sob, but I kept going. I had to get the rest out. "I waited for her to get home. She was always staying out late several nights a week, going to study groups, or so I thought. I now knew they were lies, and she was with whoever this Will was. When she came in, I confronted her with the letter. She tried to lie and say the guy was someone from one of her classes who was fixated on her. When that didn't work and after an hour of trying to deny and twist the truth, she finally admitted she was in love with him and didn't know how to tell me. She claimed she didn't want to hurt me. When I brought up the baby and the part about an abortion, she hung her head.

"I knew I wouldn't take her back even if she declared she made a mistake, not after her lie, but the baby… If it was mine, I wanted it. I told her she needed to have the baby and that I'd help her with the cost. Once it was born, I'd take the kid if it was mine. If not, she could give it up for adoption, or she might change her mind about wanting to keep the baby after she saw it. I begged her not to have the abortion. To wait so we could work it out. That's when she cut out my heart. She informed me she had had the abortion four days prior. The night I thought she was sick to her stomach, she actually was in pain from the abortion she had that afternoon. She killed my chance at having a child, even though there was a chance it wasn't mine. I threw her ass out that night and told her I never wanted to see her again.

"Once she was gone, I packed her shit and threw the boxes out in the street. I didn't give a damn if she picked them up or they were stolen. Let Will take care of her like I had been. Hell, I'd bought half of her stuff anyway. I tried to wrap my head around it and deal with the whole thing, but it was too much. After spending the next month trying and failing to deal with my anger and pain, I ended up quitting school and went home. Every time I saw her on campus, it was a reminder. I wanted to choke her and him. She killed a baby, possibly mine. I hated her.

"I came home, and that's when I made a vow to myself. No woman would ever make a fool of me again. I wouldn't let anyone use or hurt me. From then on, I became a ‘fuck ‘em and leave ‘em' type. There would be no commitment and no kids. Not long after, I met some of the Warriors, and we became friends. Their lifestyle felt like a fit for me. They were a bunch of fun-loving guys who had women on tap. They worked hard, yet they partied, rode, and lived free and fucked hard."

"What did James and Jayla have to say about this new Brooks?"

"James kept asking why I was acting that way. What happened? I lied and told him nothing. I claimed I just grew up. Jayla was younger, so she was confused, but she was also a teenager doing her thing. James reminded me of our dream of starting a business together. I told him I no longer wanted it. I know I hurt him, but he still remained my friend. Even when he didn't understand my need to be a biker or any of the rest, he still stuck beside me. He never stopped being my best friend, not from first grade to the very end." I had to stop and take a drink before continuing. Remembering and talking about him still hurts. I think it always would.

"I was twenty-seven when he died. Jayla was twenty. She was married to a guy James and I hated, Adam. After James died, I was in agony, and I stopped talking to Jayla as a result. It was too hard to look at her because she reminded me of James. The next thing I knew, Adam moved them to Georgia. It was five years before I ran into her at our clubhouse, of all places, and we reconnected. She came looking for my help. I regret so much over those years, but losing him forever and her temporarily was the worst."

Her thumb caressed my bottom lip. I couldn't resist licking the tip. She made a slight whimpering sound when I did it. It was hard not to do more, but I had to hear her decision. Would she agree to go for it with me or not?

"I hate what Christie did to you. Why do people do that? Tell someone they love them, then cheat and lie? How could she turn on you after saying she loved you? I never understood it. If you really loved them, you wouldn't be tempted to do it. If you fell out of love with the person, it would hurt to be told that, but it's better to be told that than for them to lie and cheat on you. I told Jonas when he gave me the divorce papers the same thing. I'd been too young when I met and married him. I know that now, but he was my first love. He was a few years older but not ready for marriage, obviously."

"How did you meet him?"

"I was on leave and went out with some friends. I met him at a party. I knew he was a womanizer. Mutual friends warned me, so I kinda blew him off. I think it must've intrigued him. He kept after me. I was stationed stateside then. He was in the Marines, too, so we had that in common. He didn't give up, and eventually, I fell for him. He swore he loved me and he wanted to marry me. I said yes, like a fool. We married when I was twenty-two and he was twenty-five. Two years later, he decided not to reenlist when his current enlistment term was up and got out. I stayed. I planned to make it a career, so while I was gone, he was alone. He blamed me for staying in as the reason for his cheating. Said a man couldn't be expected to go without sex for months at a time. The only reason he filed for divorce was he found someone else whom he said he loved. I hope she knows what she got. He'll cheat on her, too."

"And because of him, you can't trust me. Saylor, I don't know what it'll take to prove to you I won't be like him. I can be faithful. My whole player persona developed from the desire to protect myself. I won't lie and say I hadn't been with a few girls and women before Christie. I was, but I never cheated on a girlfriend. And the women since have known from the start it was only sex and nothing more. I haven't felt a damn thing for any of them."

"What about the one you brought to The Dark Angel that night, Clover? I know she's a bunny and what they are. For you to bring her, she has to be someone special."

I groaned. I'd hoped she wouldn't bring her up. "Baby, I brought her there as a way to show mostly myself that I didn't need or want you. Maybe I wanted to show you that I didn't want you if you were thinking along those lines. Hell, I don't know what I was thinking. It was stupid, and I regretted it as soon as I asked her to come, but even more when we walked in and I saw you."

"You still left with her. I heard some of the guys talking when they brought me to the clubhouse after the attack. How no one knew why you weren't answering your phone, and they were calling Clover to find you. They said you were probably balls deep in her and ignoring your phone."

There was a combination of distaste and hurt in her tone. "I didn't go home and have sex with her. I won't lie. I went inside her place, and I intended to have sex with her," I admitted. There could be no lies or omissions between us. She flinched and tried to move away. I didn't allow her to. "Let me finish. I said I tried, but I couldn't do it, Saylor. She was naked, and it didn't do a thing for me. All I could think about was you and how she wasn't you. I left.

"I rode for hours, trying to get my head straight. My phone died, and I didn't know it until I got back and discovered they had been looking for me. I ran down that hallway when I saw Aria hurrying by with supplies. You have no idea how scared I was when I saw the blood and you lying there. That drive and seeing that made everything crystal clear to me. I've been biding my time ever since." I stopped again, but this was to give her a chance to speak. She was quiet for a good couple of minutes before she did.

"I think you should take more time. See if you can go without sleeping with other women and examine your feelings more closely. I can't make the same mistake again, Brooks. I can't. And while you do that, think of the hardships my blindness will cause. This is for life."

"I haven't been with a woman since before I laid eyes on you the first time. I haven't wanted anyone but you. As for your blindness, I know it'll require adjustments, but whatever those are, we can make them together. If you want us to take time, we will, but it won't change how I feel or what I want. Does this mean you're attracted to me and want more than sex from me? Because baby, if all you want is to sleep with me and have fun, I'm not your man. I want it all—you wearing my property cut, a ring on that finger, and one day, babies. Oh, and a house here on the compound. Can you give those to me?" I laid it out and waited to see if she agreed.

A smile slowly spread across her lips, and what appeared to be desire began to burn in her eyes. My heart jumped. Her hand slipped over to cup my jaw. She applied pressure. I followed her hand as I was guided closer to her. When I got within a few inches of her face, her eyes closed, and then her mouth landed on mine.

She hungrily claimed my mouth in a kiss that made me go from half-hard to full-on hard. She sucked on my tongue, then teased it with hers in between nips with her teeth to my lips and pressing her lips over and over to mine. I got lost in it. I was about to erupt when she stopped it. I growled, which made her giggle. I sat back and scanned her from top to bottom. She was panting and flushed.

"Does that mean yes?" I asked hoarsely.

"Yes, it means I want this, too. But we need to get to know each other better before we do more than kiss. If it ends up right, we'll be together."

"Well, it's a good thing I just stocked up on lube and tissues," I said without thinking. She burst out laughing, which got me going. We fell back on the couch, laughing up a storm. I was so relieved I felt lightheaded. The first major hurdle had been passed. She wanted what I wanted.