24. Epilogue

Grammy Awards, Los Angeles

Our album hit number one on the Billboards charts before it even released and it remains in that spot even today—many weeks later. It seemed Cain's prediction was going to be accurate, that we had another huge success with this album. I wasn't sure it would make Diamond status in sales but it had already turned Gold. Our sales were in a stratosphere unlike any we'd seen before and we were all riding a high we didn't want to come down from.

We'd been invited to perform at the Grammy's this year, as well as being up for a handful of awards. The biggest award was Best Rock Album of the Year. We'd won three of these in the past but if we won tonight it would be my greatest achievement because of Cain's input on the material. This would be his Grammy as much as it would be Iris's and I was so damn proud of him.

It wasn't long ago that I was feeling complacent about my career and I'd even flirted with the idea of a possible retirement. But Cain came along and he managed to breathe new life into me as well as my career and all of us were reaping the rewards of Cain's collaborative efforts. We were already working on music for the next album which would be recorded after our year-long world tour. Cain, of course, would be at my side for all of it. I couldn't imagine going on this wild ride without him riding shotgun. He made everything in my life better.

We were still a work in progress since the "big reveal" of his past life but wasn't every relationship? It kept life interesting, and I'd also learned a lot about myself from having gone through it. I not only accepted who I was but I was proud of myself and because of that I never had the traditional "coming out" in the public eye. I simply chose to be who I was and love who I loved. The reporters posted their photographs of me kissing Cain or holding his hand in public and the world didn't slip off its axis. It wasn't the big deal Ray and his team thought it would be which was nice. The only speculation the press mentioned briefly was who my mystery man was and that was the end of it. There was no drama, no requests for me to appear on various talk shows to officially come out, nothing. I just kept on living my life—but with a man I absolutely adored by my side. I wished every queer person could have such an easy path into acceptance. Occasionally I heard negative comments said in hushed tones behind my back but I chalked it up to ignorance and went on with my day. Cain and I worked and the fact we were both men didn't matter one bit and the love we shared was fucking beautiful.

How's that for tasting the rainbow?

Love who you love or who you were meant to love. The rest is just white noise.

"Five minutes!" the stage director at the Grammy's announced to us.

We were standing just behind the curtains of the stage waiting for our cue to walk out and take our positions to perform. Cain and Ray were waiting with us while our roadies finished assembling our set behind the stage and waited for their next orders. During the network commercial break the roadies would slide the entire set out to center stage. Once the show was live again, there'd be a brief introduction of Iris and then we'd proceed to blow the roof off the theater.

"Ready on three!" We were directed backstage.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Iris!" the host of the show said.

"Go!" the director instructed us.

We walked out onto the stage and I gave the audience a wave before draping my guitar around my neck. Speck laid out a driving beat for us to jump on and that we did. Our light show began and I ripped into the lyrics to "Lean Into Life" with a passion I felt in every fiber of my being.

Photographs spread across a table tell the story of someone's life.

They tell me it's mine but that can't be true.

The memories would be sharper, like cuts into bone with a knife.

Wouldn't the images invoke emotions other than making me feel blue?

Instead the years are blurry, the memories slightly out of focus,

and damn it, why can't I feel anything at all?

I wait in the shadows to find a way in.

The house is pulsing with music that sounds like spoons banging on tin.

The place is overcrowded but everyone is out of reach.

You can go ahead and speak but don't you dare preach.

My eyes are wide open but I have no vision.

My heart is pounding but I can't say I'm living.

Then I see you standing there,

Like a silent sentinel in the heavy fog of my exhausted brain.

I know you're not real. How could you be?

You're nothing more than an ideal I created inside my head,

someone to guide me through what lies ahead.

But can you show me how to live?

Chorus:

You simply tell me to lean into living, take the time to count the stars above in the sky.

Gotta hold on to living, take a breath and reach for the ultimate high.

Try to float along life's surface, don't get pulled under by a raging tide.

Gotta lean into emotion, chase the thrill of life the way you'd chase a dream.

You say to learn how to love deeply, because life is better with someone by your side.

But is there really someone out there for me?

I'll keep searching for life's meaning.

Dodge the tears like a heavy falling rain.

I'll look beyond every twist and turn along the journey.

Crush my fears with determination.

My shaking hands will carry the jagged pieces, like I would a delicate butterfly.

Then we'll connect all the parts together and I'll sing it like a lullaby.

It'll be a love song to a life I finally learned how to live.

A whispered prayer to someone special, someone you helped reveal.

The mirror showed me everything, there's nothing left to conceal.

What I saw is an image, of the person who taught me how to feel.

Now I'm leaning into life because life is worth living.

I feel everything when you're near me.

It's like waking up to calm after a turbulent storm.

I'm leaning into life—a life with you, baby, and it feels like I've been reborn.

We finished the song and the audience jumped to their feet for a standing ovation. The guys met me at center stage and we took a bow together before walking off the stage. Cain was there to hug me and told me how incredible we sounded and I kissed him solidly on the mouth. I was aware of cameras taking shots of us but I didn't care. No one would ruin the buzz of this night or the fact I was sharing it with Cain.

The stage director told us to hold tight at stage left because the next award presented would be for Best Rock Album of the Year. Two well-known movie stars moved to center stage and gave a brief cat and mouse tease about the rockers up for the award and the cameras flashed to each band who was nominated.

"And the winner is. . ." the actress said into the microphone.

"Wow, they just performed for us!" the actor said with a huge grin on his face. "Iris!"

There was a moment where we simply couldn't move. Disbelief or shock, maybe both, but it was the stage director who finally gave us a firm enough shove to get us back out onto the stage to accept our award for Best Album of the Year. Another standing ovation came and I approached the microphone.

"Man, this one feels especially gratifying," I said while lifting the Grammy statue over my head. "But I need to thank a few people who made this album possible."

My head turned toward the side of the stage where Cain waited. I saw him clapping and I saw the shimmer of emotion and so much pride for me in his eyes. But I truly hoped inside of him he felt pride for himself because he was the catalyst for making this album happen.

"I never bothered with a big formal coming out party," I explained. "Never felt the need to do it, but there is one guy who had a profound impact on me and the music in this album. Cain Bennington, thank you for sharing your musical genius with me and helping to sculpt the songs that made this album. You are everything to me and I love you with all that I am."

I stepped back and allowed Ward, Kenny, and Speck to say a few words and then together we left the stage to be tackled by several people and reporters waiting backstage. In the commotion I lost sight of Cain and had to fight to bring him out of the background where he'd been pushed to stand at my side for the interviews. The questions started immediately but I ignored them until I could give Cain a proper kiss.

"Come on!" Kenny hollered at the reporters. He had his arms stretched out to the sides in an effort to keep the vultures from getting too close to us. "Can't you see they're having a private moment? Leave them be!"

Who knew Kenny would end up being one of our biggest supporters? He'd more than proved himself to be with us versus fighting us and I loved him for that.

"Congratulations, baby," I said beside his ear. "This award is as much yours as it is ours."

"It was an honor, Gage, and I'll be eternally thankful you wanted me to be part of your process," Cain replied.

"Are you ready for the wild ride we have ahead of us?" I asked Cain.

"Every day with you will be a gift and I'm more than ready for the ride."

"Love you for all time," I said.

"I'll love you longer," Cain said and then he kissed me again while more cameras flashed around us. And life under the spotlight just got a little hotter, thanks to Cain.