Chapter Twenty-One

Tessa

I'm not sure how to feel about going to the farm. Under different circumstances, it would be a place I'd love. The farmhouse is cute and homely, and I love that it's in the middle of nowhere, like a secret hideaway.

We load King and Gigi into the van and head to the house. Chance is sleeping on the kitchen floor, but he perks up the second he sees me. The other dogs rush to him, and he cowers while they sniff him. Eventually, he rolls onto his back, and this seems to please Gigi, who struts off like the queen she is. King sits beside Chance and licks his eyes. "Well, that went better than I expected," says Pit, holding up a can of dog food. "I hate giving him this crap, but it's all I had on hand," he says, opening the can and forking some out onto a plate. "At the farm, I got a whole freezer of meat cuts and chicks."

"Chicks?" I repeat.

He laughs. "What do you think they'd eat in the wild?"

"But they're not in the wild," I remind him.

"They need a good diet of raw meat, eggs, and vegetables."

I screw my nose up. "I think you can be in charge of his diet."

We load everything we need into the truck before setting off, making one stop at the pet store on the way to purchase everything Pit thinks Chance needs.

As the truck slows outside the farmhouse, my stomach lurches and my anxiety spikes. The good memories are very few, and my brain is assaulted with bad ones. I close my eyes tightly and breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. "You good?" asks Pit, and I open my eyes to find him watching me with concern.

"I hated the way you used to look at me," I whisper.

He instantly looks guilty and reaches for my hand. "Who I am when I'm in club mode is not the real me. This is me," he says gently, offering a small smile. "When I have to do shit like that, I can't afford to be nice or show kindness. When I'm like that, I have one thing on my mind—protecting the club." I give a stiff nod. His explanation doesn't make the bad memories go away.

We get out the car, and he lifts Chance out, placing him on the floor. He takes a few wobbly steps as we both smile like proud parents, and for a second, I forget my anxiety.

Once inside, I lay Chance's bed beside the other two in the kitchen and then busy myself unpacking the food we'd brought with us. I didn't get to look around the kitchen before, and now, as I open cupboards to see the old China plates, I feel myself relaxing some more.

"They were my grandmother's," he says from behind me as he places our bags on the floor. "I daren't eat off them in case I break them. I'm too heavy handed."

"They're beautiful." I turn back to him. "Did you live with them here?"

He shakes his head. "No. I was a young lad, and I wanted to be where my friends were. There's nothing here for a teenager," he says, smirking, "but they'd insist I come over for holidays and they'd slip me money and feed me up. They hated her, my mother."

"Were they her parents?"

He shakes his head again. "No, my dad's, but he died when I was a baby serving in the Army. They reckon it's what sent Mum off the rails."

"That's so sad."

"I have no regrets," he says, shrugging.

"Did they keep photographs?" I ask hopefully, and he laughs.

"We'll walk the dogs and then I'll show you."

We walk around the field slowly. Chance is still struggling to stay upright, and we don't want to tire him too much. Halfway around, we stop, and Chance lies down gratefully. I sit beside him on the grass, and Pit joins us. "Have there been many?" I ask, feeling my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

Pit narrows his eyes. "Many what?"

"Girlfriends?"

He grins. "Is that what you are now?" he asks, his tone teasing. For a second, I'm transported back to school and the way Steven would tease me. As if he senses my panic, he grabs my hands in his. "This is real," he tells me firmly. "Don't doubt that."

"I'm just waiting," I whisper.

"For what?"

"For you to realise I'm this broken, ugly mess. And then you'll run a mile and laugh that I even thought for one second I was good enough to be with you."

His heart breaks for me, I see it written all over his face, and he gets up on his knees, facing me. He places his hands either side of me and crawls over my body until I'm lying back, staring up into his eyes as he hovers over me. "You're not ugly or broken, Tessa. You're fucking amazing. You've been through so much, and here you are, with me. After what I did, I don't deserve it. And so, it's me waiting for you to run a mile and tell me all the things I already know, which is that I'm not good enough for you."

I run my hands over his cheeks, pushing my fingers into his hair. He closes his eyes, and I pull him down to meet my lips. "I think maybe we're just perfect for each other."

He deepens the kiss, running his hand along my thigh, and then he suddenly stops and rolls from me, dropping onto his back and staring up at the sky, panting hard. He throws his arm over his face, and my eyes scan down his body to the bulge in his jeans. I bite my lower lip and take a deep breath before climbing over him. He uncovers his eyes. "Tessa," he whispers, sounding pained.

"Please," I murmur, rubbing myself against him. "We won't know if I'm ready unless we try."

He groans, half in frustration and half in pain. I smirk, knowing I'm going to win as I push my hands under his shirt, enjoying the feel of his skin under my palms.

"I'm not gonna touch you unless you tell me to," he promises, placing his hands behind his head.

I grin wider. "You're giving me control?"

He gives a slight nod, his face suddenly serious. "It's what you need."

I push his shirt up and take in his toned abs. Leaning closer, I gently kiss his warm skin. I inch down his body as I trace kisses lower, gripping the button of his jeans and gently tugging it open. I glance up to see him watching me with caution.

Chance has gotten bored, and he wanders off to find the others, leaving us alone.

I lower his zipper, and he lifts his hips so I can drag his jeans down his thighs. I leave them at his knees and hook my fingers into his boxer shorts. His erection springs free, and I lick my lips as I take it in my hand and rub my thumb over the end, scooping up the bead of pre-cum and licking it. Pit's eyes darken, and I smile at him as I run my tongue over the tip of his cock. He hisses as I suck him into my mouth and cup his balls, just like he'd showed me to.

When he's groaning in pleasure, I let him fall from my mouth and crawl back up his body until I can feel his cock pressed against my underwear. "Can we try?" I whisper.

He nods. "Back pocket, wallet," he pants.

I reach into his pocket and pull out his wallet, opening it and arching a brow at the wedge of bank notes there. He smirks, and I pull out a condom. I rip it open, and he takes it from me, making quick work of rolling it over himself. I stand, shimmying out of my underwear, which he takes from me and places in the inside pocket of his kutte.

Hovering over him, I grip his cock in my hand and rub it against my opening. It feels nice, so I carefully lower onto him, moving slowly as he opens me up. I place both hands on his chest, closing my eyes as he fills me inch by inch. Once he's in as far as I can take him, I still, staring down at him. He's still got that cautious look about him, like he's waiting for me to break.

I begin to move, and he moans in pleasure. "Touch me," I whisper.

"Where?"

I take his offered hands and slide them under my shirt and to my breasts. He cups them, and I'm relieved I didn't put on a bra today as he teases my nipples. I move faster, needing to release. "Jesus," he mutters, squeezing his eyes closed.

I feel the warmth spreading up through me, causing my body to shake uncontrollably, and then it hits me, ripping through me. I shudder hard, dragging my nails down his chest. Pit grips my waist and thrusts up into me, chasing his own release. When he finally stills, his chest heaves and his breaths are rapid. I lie against his chest, smiling as his fingers run through my hair.

"Are you okay?" he eventually asks.

"Yes," I whisper, running my own fingers over his nipple. "Amazing. I told you I wasn't going to break."

"We still need to be careful, Te. Trauma comes out in all forms and at any time."

"I just need to feel normal again," I tell him. "And to put all that bad stuff behind me."

As promised, when we return to the farm, we snuggle up on the couch as Pit opens his grandma's photo album.

I study every image of his baby face, running my finger over his chubby cheeks. He was a cute baby and a cuter toddler, with dark hair and blue eyes, along with a killer smile. "Do you think you'll ever be a dad one day?" I ask. I feel him stiffen and glance up. "Pit?"

"No, Tessa. Kids aren't something I want." I nod, going back to turning the pages. "What about you?" he asks.

"Me either." I feel him staring and meet his eyes again. "What? It's okay for you to not want kids but not me?"

"Women usually want kids," he says, frowning.

"I'm not bringing a child into this world to go through all the shit I've been through. Humans are too cruel, and I don't have the heart to see my own kid suffer."

"Not every kid gets bullied or goes through what you have."

"What's your reasons?" I ask.

"The fear of retribution," he admits. "I've done too many bad things, and karma will eventually catch up. Whether that means I'll end up in prison or dead, I don't know, but I can't leave a kid to suffer alone."

"But you wouldn't. Your child would have a mother."

"Well, like I already said, you'll wake up and run a mile, so we won't even get to the kids stage." He slides his hand down the front of my top and cups my breast. "But we can keep practising."

Pit

I watch Tessa move around the kitchen wearing just my T-shirt. She finally places a plate of bacon on the table and is close enough for me to grab her. She giggles as I pull the shirt from her body, leaving her naked. I run kisses across her chest, taking her nipple into my mouth and swirling my tongue over the swollen bud. "Always naked," I whisper against her skin.

"What happens when we have to go back to reality?" she asks, swatting me away and picking up a piece of bacon. She leans against the worktop, watching me as I pile up my plate with pancakes. "I'll have to be fully clothed at the clubhouse."

We've spent the last couple days wrapped in a bubble consisting of just the two of us and the dogs. We've avoided talking about going back to the club and what happens tomorrow when I've arranged to meet Axel to discuss my future, mainly because I can't stand to see the look of sadness in her eyes when I mention the MC.

"You will," I agree.

"Unless . . ."

"We can't stay here," I say firmly, guessing it's what she wants. "The club is part of me, Tessa. I can't walk away." Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

"What if I don't want to be a part of it?" she asks tentatively.

It's the sentence I've been dreading. "That's what this week was about, right?" I ask casually, trying to sound unaffected by her words. "To see if we could move forward together."

"I want to move forward with you," she rushes to say.

"And with me comes the club." I slide the plate of food away, suddenly losing my appetite.

"It's just, living there . . ." She trails off. "It's a lot."

"They're my family, Te." I stand, closing the gap between us and taking her hand. "And they'll be your family too."

"What if I don't want a family? What if I'm happy with just you?"

I smile sadly, cupping her cheek. "We're kind of a package deal, Te."

"Would you seriously split up if I chose not to be a part of the damn club?" she demands, shoving my hand from her.

I take a few steps back. I've yet to see her really angry or upset, and we're yet to have our first disagreement. "You haven't even given them a chance. You might love the club."

"I doubt it. We're already arguing and we're not even back there yet."

"You've forgiven me, right?" I ask. She folds her arms over her chest but gives a nod. "So, you can forgive them too."

"Maybe if you weren't part of the club, you wouldn't do such awful things," she snaps.

"You're upset," I tell her. "It's understandable after everything. Take a walk and then we can talk."

She scoffs. "I don't want a walk."

"You don't want to fight either, Tessa. Not with me."

"Because you might lock me up?" she yells.

And there it is, the blow she's been holding back. We stare at one another for a few silent moments, and then I leave the room, whistling for the dogs, who come running, following me out the door and into the field.

I haven't been alone since we arrived, and I realise I don't miss it like I thought I would. Having her slip her hand in mine as we stroll together makes me happy. Happier than I've been in forever. But the club gives me security and stability. I don't know who I am without them. Or I do, and he wasn't good either.

I sit in the middle of the field, occasionally throwing a tennis ball and watching all three dogs run after it. Chance has begun to put on weight, and he's running just as well as the other two now. This break has done him good.

I hear soft footsteps behind me, and then she's standing before me, still naked but looking a lot less angry. I lean back on my hands and look up at her. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I didn't mean that."

"You did," I say, "and it's okay. You have every right to get upset." I nod to my lap, and she lowers onto me, wrapping her legs around me and her arms around my neck.

"I'm scared," she admits, pressing her nose into the crook of my neck.

"Of what?"

"Being with all those people."

"Tessa, they're my family. Just as good as any mum or dad, brother or sister. It's like I get to live with my siblings and cousins all in one big house."

"Exactly. Your family, Pit, not mine. You've had sex with some of them."

I smirk. "They meant nothing."

"They'll hate me."

"You'll be an old lady, and they can't ever disrespect you."

"An old lady?" she repeats.

"If we're doing this, we're doing it right. You'll be my old lady. Property of Pit." I like the sound of the words as I say them out loud and find myself smiling. "And you'll share my family. They'll protect you like they would me."

"It sounds too good to be true," she mutters.

"Please, just give it a chance, Tessa. I promise you won't regret it." I reach between us, opening my jeans and pulling my cock free. It's been at least an hour since I was inside her, and now I've asked her to be my old lady, I need to feel her again. She doesn't need words as I pull her to me, pushing at her entrance until I slide inside her. We both release a satisfied sigh, and suddenly, things feel good again.