Chapter 26

Rainey

I felt smallerthan the little black ants marching along the side of the road, so insignificant that people in their cars just drove right over them, taking out hundreds if not thousands without a single thought. I only made it around the first bend in the road before my knees gave out and my lungs refused to inflate. Embarrassing sobs broke the peace of the morning and I was afraid they were coming from me. A squirrel, frozen on his hind legs when I started sobbing, took one look at me and scampered back into the forest. My suitcase slid out of my hand and wobbled half on the blacktop and half off before crashing to the dirt on its side. I threw the packet of divorce papers on the suitcase, not wanting them in my hands any longer. I sank onto the suitcase and contemplated the ants marching around this new obstacle in their path.

Fingering the empty space on my finger that used to contain two wedding rings—the rings I left on Zeke's kitchenette table just now—I wasn't sure if I was crying because I was sad or because I was angry. It was probably a combination of both. This didn't feel at all like the day I'd found my father slumped over his desk in his home office. I'd cried then because I was scared of my future, not because I was sad he was gone. This…this sensation of my ribs being crushed, the wind knocked out of me, being entirely unmoored from reality and not caring one bit what happened to me…this felt like nothing I'd experienced before.

My phone rang, startling me and halting my pathetic crying. I twisted until I found it in the crossbody purse that had shifted to my back as I dragged my suitcase down the road. It was Grandma calling. I answered, putting the phone to me ear. I even opened my mouth to say hello but no sound came out.

"Rainette? Honey? It's Grandma Gertie. Zeke said I needed to call you. What's happened?"

I bowed my head, pain slicing through me. I even lifted a hand to feel along my chest, certain I'd find a gaping wound there. Of course Zeke would break my heart and then still care enough to call Grandma. And of course he knew I lied when I said I'd called her. If there was one person who knew me better than myself, it was Zeke.

Which was why his rejection felt worse than death.

My own father had rejected me, defying nature itself by turning his back on his offspring. And now Zeke, the man who'd stood before a judge and married me, just to help me out of a rough situation, had reached his limit with me.

I, Rainey Shaw, was officially unlovable.

"Honey? Answer me. Where are you?" Grandma's sharp voice cut through the fog of humiliation.

"Side of the road. Just past Zeke's." My voice came out worse than a frog with a head cold.

"I've got my keys. I'll be there in ten minutes. Stay on the line with me, honey."

So I did. With monumental effort, I kept the phone pressed to my ear, crying not so silently as I wallowed in shame. I'd never been enough for the men in my life. I always caught on to things a little too late. If I'd read my father's disinterest for what it was, I wouldn't have spent the first eight or so years of my life doing things for him to get him to love me. The number of coloring pages I brought home that had an "I heart Daddy" on them was in the millions. By middle school, I realized that he was incapable of love and I quit trying to win his favor. If I'd recognized Zeke's love for me for what it was back in high school, I wouldn't have left Blueball with Hawk. And I certainly would have found a way to love Zeke back. Now that I did love him back years too late, he was already done with me.

What was the phrase? A day late and a dollar short?

That was me. I finally had all the dollars, but I was still too late.

Grandma's old Chevy pulled up next to me, flashers blinking. She hopped out of the driver's seat and ran over, sinking down in the dirt to clutch my face in her liver-spotted hands. When her eyes instantly filled with tears, I knew that was love I saw on her face. Took me way too long to know what love was, but now I knew it was both a wondrous and devastating thing.

"He's divorcing me," I wailed, tears starting anew.

Grandma shushed me, pulling me into a hug. I clung to her. A new realization hit right before she pulled me to my feet. I was finally free. All that freedom I'd been searching for my whole life was finally here.

And I fucking hated it.

"Come back to Skinner House with me. We'll have a sleepover."

I swiped at my cheeks, trying to pull myself together. When Grandma reached for my suitcase, I leaped in front of her, grabbing it and hauling it to the back of her car. I may be heartbroken, but I couldn't let my aging grandma lug around my suitcase. I'd left her in the lurch once before and I'd never do that again. My duffle bag went into the car next and soon we were zipping down the road back to Grandma's place.

"Won't Vander and Marlo mind me being there? I mean, they're Zeke's friends." I sniffled, my nose already feeling raw from all the tissues I'd been using in the car.

"Fuck them," Grandma said vehemently.

"Grandma!" My mouth dropped open in shock.

"What? I love Vander and Marlo, but nobody messes with my granddaughter."

I wasn't sure how she managed it, but a smile graced my face even as more tears slid down my cheeks.

Eight hours.

That was how long it took to wring every last tear out of my body. By dinnertime, I finally stopped leaking out the eyeballs. The pain in my chest was still there, but at least I'd quit crying. My eyelids were swollen and I looked like I'd contracted pink eye, but I wasn't planning on seeing anyone soon, so I couldn't be bothered to worry about it.

The divorce papers mocked me from across Grandma's bedroom, lying innocently on my suitcase. I had yet to slide them out of their envelope and peruse them. Maybe I'd be feeling brave tomorrow.

Grandma had snuck me into the house this morning and even managed to bring me a plate of both lunch and dinner back to her room, though I hadn't been able to eat it. When night fell and she smuggled in three pints of Ben Jerry's and a sympathetic Milly Booth, we crammed on the love seat under blankets and watched a movie on Grandma's laptop. Despite the reason I was there, sandwiched between the geriatric set of Blueball, I had one of the best evenings I'd had in awhile. Not better than snuggling with Zeke in his bed, but this was a different kind of amazing.

Life on my own as an adult hadn't led to finding friends. I'd mostly worked and slept, trying to make ends meet. I hadn't even realized I was missing female companionship until Milly and Grandma giggled on either side of me when the heroine of the movie slipped in her short dress and flashed the hero.

Maybe it was just men who couldn't love me.

I hadn't realized I said that aloud until Grandma paused the movie and swiveled her gray head to glare at me. "You are perfectly lovable, Rainette."

Milly jammed her sharp elbow between my ribs. Did I say I actually liked female companionship? I might have to take that back. "That boy, Zeke, has been in love with you since the first day of freshman year, dummy."

"Ouch," I muttered, meaning both her pointy elbow and her name-calling.

"Did I ever tell you that Zeke was there the day you left Blueball?" Grandma interjected.

My head snapped back to her. "He was?"

Grandma nodded sagely. "He followed you back from the park because he was worried about your safety. After you and Hawk drove away, I went to his truck."

I was horrified, remembering how I'd flipped off Grandma on the back of Hawk's motorcycle, thinking I was the baddest bitch in all of Blueball. More like the dumbest bitch.

"He started crying when I hugged him. I told him to set his sights on someone else. That you weren't ready for him and you'd only break his heart, but he just shook his head. Stubborn man."

Welp, apparently I did have some tears left in my dehydrated body. They were currently blurring my vision and streaking down my cheeks.

Milly tsked lightly. "I don't know. A man who loves like that doesn't strike me as the fickle type. I think those divorce papers are his Hail Mary."

I tried to sniffle hard enough to suck back in the tears and snot that threatened. God, I was a mess. "What do you mean?"

Milly shrugged, that cute little smile on her face that made her the favorite amongst the townsfolk. "In every negotiation, you have to think about what your opponent is thinking."

"Negotiation?" I sat up straighter.

"Oh, honey, marriage is most definitely a negotiation. Maybe the most important one in your life!" Milly chuckled. "So ask yourself. What was Zeke thinking when he presented you with the divorce papers?"

I dropped my head back on the couch cushion and studied the ceiling. "That he was sick of me?"

"Or…?" Milly prompted. "Brainstorm all possibilities right now."

"Or…he wanted to end the marriage that we both agreed would end?"

"What else?"

When I remained silent too long, Grandma piped in with her own idea. "Or he wanted to give you the freedom you've always said you wanted?"

"Ohh, you're getting warmer!" Milly grasped my knee, drawing my gaze to her. "Perhaps he loves you so much he wanted to give you what you said you wanted: freedom. And by divorcing you, he was loving you the best way he knew how."

Grandma nearly knocked the laptop over as she shifted. "And if he let you go and you came back, then he'd know you truly loved him! That's what I said!"

"Huh?"

Grandma grabbed my hands, squeezing surprisingly hard. "That's what I told him when you left Blueball on the back of that motorcycle. I told him that he had to let you fly and pray you came back home. He's letting you fly, free bird!"

"But I don't want to fly!" I shouted, leaping to my feet and dropping all the blankets on the ground. "I want to stay here and build a life with Zeke. Have kids. More dogs. A weekly jam session at Glamper's Paradise. A job. All of it. I'm not running this time, Grandma."

Grandma stood, smiling like she was proud of me. "Good, my sweet girl. Stand your ground and show him the Shaw girls might make mistakes but we also make it right. Stay in Blueball and build that life. With or without him."

I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out. Could I? Could I stay in Blueball and have to see him every day? Could I stay here and have my heart break all over again every time someone said his name?

"Oh God," I muttered. "That's going to hurt."

Grandma put her hands on my shoulders. "You can do hard things, beautiful girl. Besides, he'll forgive you soon enough. That boy doesn't know how to live not loving you."

Milly clapped and hooted. "This calls for more Ben Jerry's!"