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Chapter Ten

When Kendrick began making the meal, he hadn't expected Luis, Caden, and Robyn to sit around watching. He felt like one of these celebrity chefs on television, which made his anxiety spike.

Brad stood next to him, waiting for Kendrick's instructions. As sous chefs went, Kendrick had the best-looking one on the planet. And he provided more than just his ability to chop or stir or whatever Kendrick needed. At the moment, he couldn't think about what came first because his chest was tightening to the point it restricted his breathing.

Damn panic attacks.

It was as if Brad knew what Kendrick needed when he started giving orders. "Caden and Robyn, grab the vegetables from the fridge and make a salad." Brad turned to Kendrick, wrapping an arm around his waist and crowding into his space, which should have made his panic worse but actually loosened the tightness in his chest. When Brad leaned down and whispered in his ear, he moved into him, wrapping his arms around Brad's waist and going in for a hug. Brad pulled him closer, his hand resting so low on Kendrick's back he almost touched his ass. "What else do you need help with, baby?"

All of Kendrick's focus was on willing Brad's hand lower. "Help with? Like my ass or…"

Brad laughed so hard he had to release Kendrick. When he calmed down enough, he clarified, "I meant with dinner."

"Oh." Kendrick could feel his face heat and knew he blushed. And then Brad drew him close again.

Luis chuckled, which made it worse. "Kendrick, can I help do something with the steaks?"

Kendrick met his gaze, thanking him for changing the subject. "Yes. We need to put the rub on them."

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable just now." Brad whispered in his ear.

"It's okay. Your hand, so close to my ass, is hugely distracting. I can't think about anything else." Kendrick had it bad. Brad turned his brain to mush with just a touch.

"So I'm forgiven?"

"Only if you start the grill." Kendrick smiled and pulled out of Brad's arms.

"Done." Brad took a step back, giving Kendrick space to do what he needed.

Kendrick took a moment to take in everyone around him. Since Brad had redirected Caden and Robyn, they only had eyes for each other with half their attention on making a salad, which was fine. They had time, and cutting vegetables wasn't difficult. Despite Caden's wandering hands, Robyn seemed capable enough that Kendrick didn't have to step in or anything.

Luis had the steaks unwrapped and laid out on a foil wrapped cookie sheet. He stared at them as if he had to perform surgery. Kendrick gave him a break.

He reached across the counter, lying on it to get to the jar of spice rub. When he heard a moan coming from behind him, he turned to see Brad staring.

Brad met his gaze. "You brought it to my attention."

God, they wouldn't last more than a couple of dates. They were way too into each other. But before they ripped each other's clothes off, they had to have a conversation about Kendrick's past. Brad needed to know why they would never have casual sex. It had to mean something, no matter how much they wanted each other. And Kendrick had to know where Brad stood on the serious relationship thing.

Date one wasn't appropriate, which meant they moved faster than made Kendrick comfortable, but the way Brad looked at him, with desire in his eyes, made Kendrick almost not care.

And then he thought about how his anxiety would make him desperate for every scrap of Brad's attention until his neediness would test the limits of their relationship, however new. So yeah, sex so soon would ruin the best thing that ever happened to him. Or maybe it was the best thing. He needed to give them time to figure it out.

Kendrick grabbed the spice jar and then straightened. He handed the jar to Luis as he turned toward Brad, closing the distance between them and taking Brad by the shoulders. When he turned him toward a door leading outside where Kendrick assumed the grill was pushing him in the center of his back, Brad didn't resist. "Grill, Sweetheart. Grill."

Brad chuckled. "Fine, but you started it."

"I know." Kendrick sighed. "I'm trying to remember this is our first date."

Before Brad could respond, someone knocked and that seemed to sober Kendrick enough that he almost went outside with Brad, chasing the feeling of security.

Luis washed his hands in the kitchen sink and answered the door.

Kendrick stopped pushing Brad but swatted him on the ass. Brad turned, meeting Kendrick's gaze with a grin.

Kendrick smiled back and winked.

Travis and Jaron walked into the room followed by Luis, by the time Kendrick made it back to the kitchen island. Luis slid in front of the steaks again, staring at them.

Kendrick cleared his throat, trying not to let the amount of people in the kitchen get to his nerves. As long as he wasn't the center of attention. "So…um…rub the spices into the meat."

Luis raised his eyebrows and made a face as though something smelled bad. "Like, touch raw meat?"

Jaron sat at the kitchen island and chuckled. "Hi, Kendrick."

Oh God. "Um…hi."

Travis stood beside him. "How are you?"

"Fine. Just fine." His chest tightened again. He wanted to escape, but he forced himself to grab the potatoes and take them to the sink, which put his back to the room. It helped loosen the panic.

And then Luis redirected the conversation, which loosened the rest. "Have you guys eaten yet?"

"No, not yet. We're supposed to go out to eat for our date night still, but Carter wanted to go to Seth's house. We thought we'd pick you up, Robyn, before we went." Jaron spoke.

"Robyn's spending the night." Caden was matter-of-fact, which didn't seem to go over well with anyone else in the room if the protests were any sign.

Robyn stated, "Way to ask me, Caden. God." He sounded put out, but he wasn't the loudest one. That prize went to Jaron, who gave Caden a piece of his mind.

Caden didn't like being told what to do because he considered himself an adult. "I'm eighteen years old. Robyn's even older."

Luis came to Jaron's defense. "Watch the tone, Caden."

Caden's apology sounded half-assed even to Kendrick, who couldn't focus on the conversation anymore. Not when his lungs were shrinking, forcing him to think about every breath.

And then someone pounded on the counter and yelled how that was enough. The voice was deep, male enough to take Kendrick back in time with just one shout.

Kendrick covered his head and sank to the hardwood floor, pressing himself as far into the corner as he could get, closing his eyes against the fighting. Randall wouldn't go for his face first, but he always ended the blows there, so Kendrick had learned to protect it.

When someone tried to touch him, he shrank even farther and tried to keep the tears at bay. Tears always made Randall angrier. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

Another touch to his shoulder sent him over an edge he hadn't even realized he was close to, and he felt as if he were treading water. He kicked to stay afloat, unable to see underneath the surface, but he knew a giant shark swam around him, waiting for the perfect moment to take a bite. It brushed against him, wearing Kendrick down until he was right back in Randall's house, lying in the hall where the second blow had put him. The third blow landed on his arm. The fourth slipped through, bruising his cheek.

"Brad!" Someone yelled again, maybe Caden. It was more the name he said rather than the shouting that cut through the memory.

A door opened and closed. He could feel someone sitting on the floor next to him. He expected a punch to his back since it was the most vulnerable at the moment, but not even a touch came.

"You're safe here. No one will hurt you." Brad's soothing voice washed over him.

"I'm sorry."

If Brad heard his apology, he didn't give an indication. "You are safe. I promise. Please, baby. Turn around."

Kendrick let his body relax, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

God, it had been years since he's had that happen. He'd heard yelling before. He was in a bar almost every night, after all. He'd learned to work past it. Or he thought he had. Maybe it was going on a date for the first time since Randall.

He needed to call his therapist and book an appointment. He'd do it right after he died from embarrassment.

"Is everyone looking at me?" He whispered the question, not wanting to know the answer.

"Everyone out. Please," Brad said, and a second later, he whispered. "Only you and me now, baby."

Kendrick sat and turned, keeping the cabinet at his back. He hugged his knees and kept his gaze averted, shutting his eyes so he wouldn't have to see what Brad thought of him. Maybe he didn't think of him at all since he saw Kendrick freak out in his kitchen.

"It's okay, Kendrick. You're safe."

Kendrick nodded. "Okay."

"How about you tell me what happened?"

Kendrick sighed. "I think I should just go home."

"I'll take you home if that's what you want." He could hear the disappointment in Brad's voice and knew he was probably blowing their second date out of the water. At the moment, all he wanted was familiarity.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Kendrick. You did nothing wrong."

Kendrick nodded like he agreed, but he felt as if maybe he couldn't be brave anymore. As much as he liked Brad, maybe dating again would always leave him feeling just a little too raw. "I…um…I need time."

And what would that buy him? More work, for sure. But would it buy him a second chance at a first date, or maybe the knowledge that he'd already had his chance at a healthy relationship and had ruined it by being with a monster?

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