Chapter Two

Brad felt more like a bodyguard doing a job than two friends hanging out, doing something fun. The inside of the truck was silent as they rode down the highway. Brad hadn't decided if the silence was comfortable or not.

And then Jaron turned toward him. One leg was bent with his knee pressing against the center console. He narrowed his eyes and leveled them at Brad. And Brad knew then that, yes…yes, the silence was comfortable. Or it was more comfortable than the conversation they were about to have.

"Stop making this weird." Jaron folded his arms over his chest.

"I'm not trying to. We've never hung out just the two of us before." Brad hung out with Travis because he was mostly his friend. Even though he considered Jaron a brother as much as Travis, he'd never thought he had a lot in common with Jaron, and with their past, it made things awkward. He might as well address the elephant in the truck. "I just want you to know I'm not going to hurt you or anything."

"Brad, I wouldn't be here if I thought you would." His arms came down and he kept his hands in his lap. He laid his head against the back of the seat and regarded Brad thoughtfully. "You've proven yourself since getting out of prison, and continue to do so."

Brad didn't have a good frame of reference. He'd masked all the trauma, drowning it in alcohol until he'd felt numb. And all he could remember of the moments between one drunk episode and the next was pain.

Brad cleared his throat and took a deep breath. He'd never really talked about his childhood with anyone except his therapist. Maybe details weren't important, but Jaron deserved to know why he was a bully to him in high school and why he'd beat him a few years ago. "My father was a pedophile, and I was his biggest target. Had a hard time dealing with the sexual abuse. It was way worse than the punches."

"Oh my God, that makes so much sense. It was face your demons or cover them up. Covering them was easier, and you used me to do it." If Jaron had feelings about being used as a punching bag and a scapegoat, it didn't show.

"Nothing my father did to me made it right to hurt you." Brad wanted to make sure Jaron knew he understood that.

"No. No, it didn't." Jaron reached over and patted his forearm. "Thank you for telling me. It helps me understand you better."

"Full disclosure. What I did to you were hate crimes. Only I didn't hate you. I hated myself." Brad changed lanes and picked up speed, moving around a semi-truck.

"The biggest homophobe is the gayest guy around." Jaron whispered the words as if he were taking in a revelation.

Brad nodded. "Exactly. The sexual abuse made my sexuality difficult to accept, but prison helped. Assaulting you was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. It was my rock-bottom, so it forced me to face my father's abuse, the mistakes I've made, and my sexuality. I just wish I wouldn't have hurt you like that. If I could take it back, I would. The therapy I would go through repeatedly, though."

"No going back." Jaron straightened in his seat. "And besides, I think maybe it happened the way it did for a reason. In a weird way it made us better friends."

"More than friends." Brad moved back into the right lane. "You're as much family as my brothers. As much as Travis and Jackson. And I've been close to the four of them my entire life. Since grade school with Travis and Jackson for sure. But you…I really just got to know you and already I feel that way. And it's because of your past. As fucked up as that's been."

Jaron smiled. "Thank you for saying that."

Brad shrugged. "It's true. And I want you to know, that I wouldn't talk about my past and all the mental shit with just anyone. And yeah, maybe I'm doing it because I owe you an explanation and full transparency at the very least. But I would have gotten comfortable enough with you, anyway. It just would have taken longer."

There went the eyes narrowing again, although keeping his eyes on the road meant Brad could avoid Jaron's expression for a bit. "You owe me? Are we having this conversation because you feel guilty? Because if that's the case then we need to reevaluate your forgiving yourself, which I thought you did."

He had forgiven himself in so far as he could take steps to better his life and take care of the people who meant the most to him, which included Jaron. He still needed to remember because doing so kept him from drinking. It was the reminder of what he had been and what he could become again if he fell down that rabbit hole that kept him out of Gus's liquor store. But no, he hadn't had the conversation because of guilt. "It's how you've been with my brothers. If it wasn't for you and Travis, Luis would be more of a mess right now."

"What do you mean by ‘more of a mess'?"

Brad darted his gaze to Jaron before focusing on the road again. Jaron was the right person to ask for advice about Luis because he had a paternal instinct toward Luis and Caden. That was something he and Brad had in common. "I need advice."

Jaron had a way of saying the right things at the right time and Brad needed to figure out how he did it. "Now that we have the elephant out of the car."

"Yeah." Brad chuckled but sobered. "Luis is cutting himself again."

"He does what!" Jaron's eyes were the biggest things on him at the moment.

Brad sighed. "He started it a couple of years after we left my father's house. I think, anyway. I was as fucked up as him back then, as you know. Didn't know what to do about it, but I got him into therapy. He went through most of high school and then I went away. Like I said, if it wasn't for you and Travis…" Brad cleared his throat. "He has tells. Little things I've picked up on and I know he's doing it again because of them. I think he was doing it before I got released. A few months before, maybe. And then I came home, and it wasn't but a week and his behavior changed. No more tells. He seemed fine until a couple of weeks ago."

Jaron drew in a breath so deep and let it out on a sigh before folding in on himself, his chest almost touching his legs. They would have, if not for the confines of the seatbelt and dashboard. "Okay. Let me process."

Brad added nothing else. It was a lot to take in and he didn't want to overload Jaron.

The silence didn't last as long as he expected it to, but by the time Jaron spoke, Brad was exiting the highway.

"You need help to confront him?"

Brad winced. "I don't know if ‘confront' is the right word, but yeah. He's ill and probably needs help but won't ask for it."

"Yeah. Luis doesn't like to ask for what he needs. When you were gone and Caden was littler, I never knew when he needed me for babysitting or needed extra cash. Had to guess most of the time."

"I need to say the right things. Or he'll get defensive."

"God, Brad, what the hell do you say to something like that? I don't even know what to say to you. I can't imagine talking to him about it." When Jaron sighed, his voice shook, letting out some emotions that had built over the course of their conversation.

"I know." Brad pulled into the flooring place. He liked the store the best because they had almost everything and kept their prices reasonable. Plus, he was supporting a local mom and pop place and not one of those big chain stores.

"Do we have an intervention or maybe mention therapy again? Like if one of us says we're going to therapy and then just dragged him along." Jaron had a way of making him feel like part of the mainland when the whole thing made him feel like an island in a storm.

"I don't know, but let's go in and pick out flooring, yeah?"

Jaron straightened and gave Brad a sad smile. "Yeah."

When they got out of the truck and headed to the store, Jaron stopped him with a hand on his arm. "You're not alone in this and neither is he."

Jaron hugging him shocked him enough for him to hesitate, but it was only for a second and he was sure Jaron hadn't felt it.

"Thank you. It means a lot. The talk does too." The lead ball of Brad's failures still rested on his shoulders, but the small piece of it, where Luis's mental health lived, felt a bit lighter.

Jaron pulled back. "I'm glad we're doing this. We should do something once a month."

"I'd like that."