Phoenix

P hoenix stood quietly by the kitchen table, trying to figure out her next move. Telling him about her past wasn’t something that she was ready to do yet. “Why can’t you just tell me who Lydia’s father is?” Riggs asked. That was a question that she didn’t want to answer. How was she supposed to tell him that she had to move in with the bartender from the strip club she worked at because she was down on her luck and living on the streets? Hell, that was probably the only part she could tell him. But he wouldn’t be happy until she told him about the night that she got pregnant with Lydia. It was a night that she’d like to forget, but she couldn’t because it did give her daughter.

“Because I’m ashamed,” she admitted. She hadn’t shared much about her past with Riggs. The only thing he knew was that she got pregnant when she was eighteen, and then had Lydia. But so many bad decisions had led to her daughter being born.

“You don’t have to feel that way around me, honey. You can tell me anything—I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. She had a feeling that he might just change his mind once she shared the truth with him.

She sat down on the kitchen chair in his kitchen and looked down at her hands, pretending to be straightening the ring on her finger. knew that she wouldn’t be able to look Riggs in the eyes and tell him about her past.

“After I left Aggie’s place when I was sixteen, I ended up on the streets. I needed to make some cash, and I heard that strippers made good money,” she whispered, chancing a glance up at him to see his reaction.

“So, you did what you had to do to take care of yourself,” he said as though it was no big deal that she took her clothes off while dancing for strangers.

“I did, but you need to hear the rest of the story,” she insisted. “You might change your mind about being with me once I’m finished,” she said.

“Not a chance,” he assured, “but I’m listening.” He sat back in his chair and let her have the floor.

“I ended up getting evicted when the club was raided, and I was out of work for a few weeks. The owner of the club reopened after having to pay some fines, and I was able to go back to work, but it was too late for me to catch up on the rent for my shitty little apartment. The bartender at the club offered to let me crash on his sofa for a month or two until I could get back on my feet, and I took him up on his offer. Living with him was my last option and I didn’t want to ever sleep on the streets again.”

“Understandable,” Riggs said.

“Yeah, but I would have probably been better off on the streets. I had been living with him for about a month, when I woke in the middle of the night to find him standing over me, watching me sleep. That was when he offered me one thousand dollars to sleep with him. I really needed the money, so I agreed. I was desperate.” She sat back and covered her face with her hands. She was so ashamed that she could ever do that with any man, but she had.

“I got two things out of that night—cash to get back on my feet and my daughter,” she said. “When I found out that I was pregnant, I had already taken off and was long gone from that asshole. I never went back to that life, promising my unborn daughter that I’d never do anything to embarrass her, so I got a small apartment, and when my life fell apart again, I called Aggie and asked if I could come home.”

“I’m sorry all of that happened to you, but none of it changes how I feel about you, honey,” Riggs said. He reached for her hand, and she pulled it back. wasn’t ready for him to be so forgiving, since she had not forgiven herself yet. That was going to take some time—time spent alone, and she was sure that Riggs wasn’t going to like that.

“It changes how I feel about myself,” she whispered. “Lately, I’ve been thinking how I can be the best version of myself—for Lydia, and I think that the answer is for me to be alone for a bit. I need time to actually process what I did and come to terms with it so that I can forgive myself. Do you know what I mean?” From the look on his handsome face, he didn’t understand any of what she was saying.

“I don’t understand any of this,” he growled. “Especially the part about you being alone to figure everything out. You did what you had to do to survive and to take care of your daughter. No one would ever fault you for that.”

“Well, I don’t plan on explaining any of this to anyone else,” she insisted.

“You haven’t told Mrs. Aggie?” he asked. Her grandmother had never asked her about Lydia’s father or ’s time away. It was almost as if she pretended that none of it ever happened. When came back home, Aggie picked up as though no time had passed at all, and that worked for her because her past was the last thing that she wanted to talk to her grandmother about.

“No,” she breathed, “when I got home, she just picked up where we left off and didn’t ask questions. That worked for me because I didn’t want to talk about it. I still don’t,” she whispered.

“So, you would have never told me unless I pressed you for answers?” he asked. She wouldn’t have told him anything. Now that the truth was out there, it opened up a new can of worms that she was going to have to shove back into the can, and that was going to take some time.

“No,” she admitted, “I would have never told you, Riggs.”

“I’m glad that you did,” he breathed.

“But now, I’m going to need some time,” she said. “I need you to give me some time and space.”

“How long?” he asked.

“I’m not sure—until I can work all this out in my head. Everything is all jumbled up right now.” Rehashing her past had clouded her mind and she needed to clear out all the bad to make room for some good. The question was, would it be unfair of her to leave Riggs hanging around, waiting for him, or should she let him go?

“I can give you some time, honey,” he promised. “I’m just not sure that I can give you space. You and Lydia practically live here with me now. What am I supposed to do when we pass each other in the hallway?”

“I have a solution for that,” she almost whispered. She hated doing this to him—to them both, but there was no other way. “Lydia and I will go back to Aggie’s and stay with her for a while,” she said.

“Wait—you’re moving out?” he asked.

“I am,” she breathed. “I told you that I need time and space and moving back over to Aggie’s will give me both.”

“You’ll be back, right?” he asked. This was the part where she was going to break both of their hearts.

“No,” she said, “I think that we should break up. I don’t want to keep you waiting for me when I might never be ready to come back. You’re a good man Riggs, and I don’t deserve to be with someone like you—not yet. You shouldn’t be tied to me when you could be with anyone you want. Find a woman who deserves you.”

She swiped at the tears that spilled down her cheeks and he reached for her again. pulled her hand back and shook her head. “Please don’t touch me,” she whispered, “I don’t think that I’ll be able to do this if you touch me, Riggs. Please, just let me walk away.”

“I can’t do that, honey. I’m in love with you and I want Lydia to be my daughter. That was the whole reason why I asked you about her father. I didn’t need any of the details of your past, but I’m so happy that you trusted me with them. Don’t shut me out now, . Let me help you through this. Let me be the shoulder you can lean on, but don’t leave.”

“I have to, Riggs. You deserve better than me,” she insisted.

“That’s bullshit,” he shouted, “I don’t want anyone else, . There isn’t anyone better for me. You’re the only one for me—I just need for you to stop this shit about leaving and give me a chance to prove it to you.”

“I—I can’t, Riggs. I’m sorry.” She turned and grabbed the bags that she had packed earlier. In such a short time, she and Lydia had practically taken over his home with their stuff. “I’ll pick up the rest of our stuff later.” took Lydia’s hand and pulled her along to the door. She walked to the front door, not bothering to look back because the last thing she needed to see was the heartbreak on Riggs’ face. If she did, she’d change her mind and right now, that wasn’t something that she could do to either of them.