13. Becky

13

BECKY

T he early morning haze hung over the Phoenix Ridge Firehouse like a shroud, the air thick with the weight of a summer storm that never quite arrived. The sun had barely begun to creep over the horizon, casting a thin, pale light through the station's grimy windows. Inside, the atmosphere was anything but calm.

Becky prowled the station with the intensity of a caged tiger. Her usual gruff demeanor was magnified today, her frown etched deeply into her ordinarily calm face. Her green eyes were narrowed, and her jaw was set in a hard line. The station's usual hum of activity had been replaced by an uneasy quiet as if the crew had collectively decided to walk on eggshells rather than risk invoking her ire.

"Hey, Chief," Lieutenant Zoey Knight ventured cautiously, a coffee cup trembling in her hand. "Um, did you need the progress reports on the green?—"

Becky's sharp gaze cut her off. "Just get it done, Knight," she snapped. "We've got a stack of paperwork that looks like it’s breeding on its own. I don’t have time for idle chatter."

Zoey nodded vigorously and scurried away, her shoulders hunched. The old firehouse had always been a place of camaraderie, but lately, it felt like a battleground, with everyone doing their best to avoid the flare-ups of their usually formidable leader.

The truth was that Becky had been in a terrible mood for weeks. The breakup with Lucinda had hit her harder than she’d ever admit. Lucinda had been more than just a partner; she’d been the soft spot in Becky’s otherwise impenetrable armor, the spark that lit up even the darkest corners of her heart. Now that Lucinda was gone, all that remained was a smoldering wreckage of what used to be.

The station's kitchen, a small, cluttered space with a stainless steel fridge and a coffee machine that had seen better days, was particularly reflective of Becky’s mood. Coffee stains marred the counter, and a stack of dirty dishes teetered dangerously near the sink. It was in this chaos that Captain Carter, a seasoned firefighter with a penchant for order, dared to approach her.

“Chief,” Carter said, trying to sound as neutral as possible, “the annual inspection is coming up next week. We need to get the equipment checked and the records updated.”

Becky’s eyes flashed with irritation. “I know when the inspection is, Captain.”

Carter nodded, stepping back as if she might get burned. “Just wanted to make sure you were aware.”

“I’m aware,” Becky replied tersely. “I’m always aware.”

As Carter retreated, Becky let out a harsh breath, feeling the pressure build in her chest. It wasn’t the firehouse’s fault that everything felt out of control; it was her own struggle to reignite the spark that had been extinguished. The firehouse was supposed to be her refuge, but lately, it felt more like her cage. Even her office went back to its usual disaster state. Becky didn't realize that she was keeping it tidy for Lucinda until she was gone.

Just then, the fire alarm rang out with its piercing shriek, jolting Becky from her spiral of self-pity. The crew’s practiced responses were immediate, their movements swift and precise as they prepared for the emergency. Becky’s instincts kicked in, and despite her lingering frustration, she fell back into her role with the ease of a well-worn routine.

“Alright, people!” Becky barked, her voice cutting through the tension. “We’ve got a situation. Let’s move!”

She could do this. This was familiar. Her work was certain. What happened to Wilson last week was Becky's miscalculation because she wasn't focused on her job. She was so focused on the wreckage of her relationship with Lucinda that she had gotten sloppy with her work. Well, that wasn't going to happen again.

As the firefighters scrambled into action, Becky took a deep breath, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. For now, she would push aside her personal demons and do what she was trained to do. But as the firehouse doors swung open and the crew surged into action, Becky couldn’t shake the feeling that the real fire she needed to fight was still burning within her.

The day slowly faded into evening as Becky pulled into the driveway of her modest house. The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the yard, and the sky was painted in hues of pink and orange. Becky barely noticed the beautiful colors; her mind was still consumed by the negative feelings drowning her senses.

She trudged up the front steps, her work bag heavy on her shoulder. Inside, the house felt unusually quiet. The warmth and coziness seemed to have vanished, leaving a stark emptiness in its place. As Becky hung her keys on the hook by the door, she heard the faint, cheerful chatter of Ember, Josephine and Natalie coming from the kitchen. She hadn’t known that they were coming over, but she felt grateful for the intrusion.

It was clear they were having a lively conversation, completely unaware of the storm brewing in Becky’s heart.

Becky took a deep breath and tried to muster a smile before walking into the kitchen. Ember was leaning against the kitchen counter while Josephine sat at the table, an empty mug sitting at her side. Natalie ran up to her smiling.

“Gran Becky, I missed you! Look at this drawing I did. This is you and this is me.” Natalie pointed to the mess of coloured lines on the paper.

“Oh, wow, Natalie. What an artist you are.” Becky swooped her up and spun her around, kissing her as Natalie giggled.

"So, we're just abusing the power of my house keys?" Becky joked to Ember.

"I was dragged here against my will." Josephine chuckled.

Becky put her bag on the counter with Natalie still clinging onto her hip. "And yet you're drinking my coffee."

“Hey, Mom!” Ember said brightly, her eyes lighting up. “How was your day?”

Becky forced a smile, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “Oh, you know, just another day in paradise.”

Ember raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. “You’re not fooling anyone. Come on, tell us what happened.”

Becky sighed and sank into a chair at the table. "Nothing happened. It was just another day. "

Josephine and Ember exchanged a knowing look.

“Natalie, baby, why don’t you go and see Mr Piddles- he is just out in the yard.” Ember gestured to the fat old ginger cat that liked to hang out in Becky’s yard. The doors were wide open and they could all see Natalie as she enthusiastically went to greet the cat.

“Hey, Mom,” Ember said softly, sitting down beside her. “We’ve been worried about you. You’ve been avoiding everything and everyone. Also everyone at the firehouse is scared shitless to cross your path."

Becky looked at the tiled floor. "Who said that?"

"Everyone," Josephine and Ember said in unison.

Becky laughed grimly and wiped a hand over her face. "This breakup is taking a toll on me, huh?"

Josephine placed a hand on Becky's shoulder. “You haven't acted like this before. It's been weeks since you guys broke it off."

"It's because I haven't felt this way before," Becky snapped. "I think about her all the time. My heart aches in the places she used to fill. I look around and see her absence everywhere. "

Ember looked at Josephine. Josephine nodded.

"It’s okay to feel that way. Sometimes taking a step back and allowing yourself to feel the pain is part of the healing process. But it’s also important to eventually face those feelings and figure out what you need to move forward,” Ember said cautiously, as if giving advice to her mother was like walking across a field of landmines.

Becky sighed, feeling the weight of her emotions pressing down on her. “I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to Lucinda again. I’m still processing everything, and I’m afraid of making things worse.”

Ember nodded understandingly. “It’s completely normal to need time to process your feelings. But remember, avoiding the situation doesn’t make it go away. At some point, you’ll have to confront it, even if it’s just for your peace of mind.”

Josephine added gently, “And remember that you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here for you, and we’ll support you no matter what. When you’re ready, you can take the next step with Lucinda or you can choose a different path. Whatever you decide, it’s important to do what feels right for you. ”

Becky took a deep breath. "I just always feel like I'm the one who is trying to connect and figure shit out."

Josephine bit her lip. "Then she's not the one for you."

A shard of ice pierced Becky's heart at the thought. She sat silently, her mind swirling with conflicting emotions. The idea that Lucinda might not be the one for her gnawed at the back of her mind like a splinter she couldn’t remove. She didn’t want to believe it. How could someone who made her feel so alive, so seen, not be the person she was meant to be with? But the truth was, the relationship had left her feeling hollow and confused. The more she thought about it, the more she realized how much effort she'd been putting into holding things together and how Lucinda had seemed to always keep her at arm's length.

"Maybe you're right," Becky muttered, her voice barely above a whisper. "But I don't want to admit it yet."

Ember shrugged. "You don't have to admit it yet. You don’t have to do anything right now. We’re here for you."

Becky nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. She appreciated the support, but it didn’t make the pain any less. The heartache was still there, simmering beneath the surface, waiting for the quiet moments to strike her with full force.

"You're doing everything you can, Mom," Ember said, reading the troubled expression on her face. "And it's okay if you're not ready to let go of her just yet. It's not an easy thing to do. But you need to stop punishing yourself for it."

Becky inhaled deeply, the scent of the evening air drifting through the open kitchen window. The world outside was peaceful, starkly contrasting to the storm brewing inside her. She glanced at the clock, realizing how late it had gotten. She had been home a while now yet it seemed like no time at all. Time seemed to slip away when she was lost in her thoughts.

"I guess you're right," Becky finally admitted. "But I don’t know how to move forward. It’s not like I can flip a switch and stop caring about her."

"No one expects you to," Ember said. "But you can't keep beating yourself up either. It's okay to miss her, to still care. But don’t let it consume you. You have to make space for yourself too."

Becky sighed, feeling the weight of her daughter’s words settle over her. She knew Ember was right. There had to be a balance between holding on and letting go, between mourning the loss of what was and opening herself up to the possibility of something new, even if that possibility terrified her.

"When did you get so wise?" Becky said, forcing a small smile as she looked at Ember.

Ember laughed, her face lighting up. "I just get it from you. Strong women raise strong women, right?"

Josephine rolled her eyes, nudging Ember. "Oh, come on. You're going to give her a god complex."

“She already had that to begin with," Ember joked.

Becky chuckled softly. For all her bravado, for all her years of experience as a fire chief, the truth was that relationships—real, meaningful relationships—were still an enigma to her. She knew how to lead a team and make split-second decisions that saved lives, but when it came to her heart, she was lost.

The three of them sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, the evening light fading outside, casting long shadows across the room. Natalie was watching something on an iPad with headphones on.

Becky stared out the window, her mind drifting back to Lucinda once again. She could see her so clearly—those stormy eyes that made her heart shudder, the way her smile could disarm all of Becky's defenses. But then, just as quickly, the memory shifted to the fights, the distance that had grown between them, and Lucinda’s refusal to commit.

It wasn’t just about the breakup. It was about how Lucinda had made Becky feel like she wasn’t enough. No matter how much she tried, no matter how much she gave, it would never be enough to get Lucinda to stay. That was the part that hurt the most: the rejection, the sense of not being worth the risk.

Becky stared at her phone for a long moment after her conversation with Ember and Josephine, the emotions from the day still raging in her chest like a tempest she couldn’t quite calm. She had expected the evening to end in solitude, as most of her recent days had—just her, her thoughts, and the ever-present ache of missing Lucinda. But tonight felt different. Maybe it was the honest conversation with her daughter and Josephine, or perhaps it was the realization that she didn’t have to carry all of this weight alone.

As she sat there, Ember broke the silence with a soft, hesitant voice. "Mom, why don’t we stay in tonight?"

Becky raised an eyebrow. "Stay in?"

"Yeah," Ember continued, her eyes hopeful. "You’ve been cooped up in your own head for so long, and I think you need a break from it all. We could have a movie night. Josephine, Natalie and I can spend the night!"

“Yay!” Natalie screamed, running round the room in enthusiasm.

Josephine chimed in, her smile gentle but encouraging, "It might do you some good. You haven’t really taken any time for yourself lately, and I think you deserve it. Plus, I’ve got popcorn, and Ember has some terrible movie suggestions."

Ember scoffed. "My movie taste is impeccable, thank you very much."

Becky couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped her, the tension in her shoulders easing just a bit. It was tempting, the idea of spending the evening with her granddaughter, daughter and best friend, laughing over cheesy movies and forgetting, even if just for a few hours. The idea of filling the quiet space in her home with laughter instead of lingering sadness seemed like the break she didn’t know she needed .

"I don’t know…" Becky began, though the reluctance in her voice was half-hearted.

"Oh, come on," Ember said, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "We can watch that old disaster movie you love. You know, the one with the volcano or whatever?"

Becky rolled her eyes. "That movie is terrible. The science is all wrong."

"Exactly! That’s what makes it fun," Ember teased. "You get to critique the entire thing, and Josephine, Natalie and I will just sit back and listen to you rant about how unrealistic it all is."

“Yeah!” Natalie called out, not sure what she was agreeing to, but super keen anyway.

Josephine smirked. "It’s a win-win situation, really. You get to vent your frustration, we get to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and we all have a good time."

"Alright," Becky said, finally relenting. "But Natalie and I are picking the movie."

Ember clapped her hands in victory. "Deal! I’ll make the popcorn. Josephine, you get the drinks."

Josephine gave Becky a wink as she headed toward the fridge. "Coming right up."

As they scurried around the kitchen, Becky found herself smiling, really smiling, for the first time in what felt like forever. The house, which had felt so cold and empty earlier, was now alive with the warmth of family and laughter. It wasn’t the solution to all of her problems and it didn’t magically erase the pain she still carried, but it was a start. It reminded her that she wasn’t alone, even in the darkest moments.

They settled on the couch, the bowl of popcorn balanced on Ember’s lap as Becky queued up the movie with Natalie snuggled into her arms, her red curls a messy tangle. As the opening credits rolled, Becky allowed herself to sink into the moment, her body relaxing against the cushions, her heart feeling a little lighter than it had in the recent weeks. Ember’s giggles, Natalie’s concentration and Josephine’s commentary were the soundtrack to the evening, and for the first time in a long while, Becky felt the knot of tension in her chest begin to loosen.

As the movie played, Becky found herself doing exactly what Ember had predicted—pointing out every scientific inaccuracy, from the impossibly fast volcanic eruptions to the unrealistic rescue operations. Ember, Josephine and Natalie laughed with each correction, and soon enough, Becky was laughing, too, the sound unfamiliar but welcome.

By the time the credits rolled, Becky felt lighter than she had in weeks with Natalie asleep in her arms.

The pain of her breakup with Lucinda was still there, lurking in the background, but it didn’t feel as suffocating as it once had. For the first time in a long time, she had allowed herself to enjoy something, to be present with the people she cared about without letting her heartache define the moment.