11. Becky

11

BECKY

L ucinda slammed the door behind her, cutting off Becky's next words. The jazz music filled the air, making everything feel too happy when she felt so empty. The warmth and coziness of the house that had once felt like a haven now seemed stifling and foreign. Her mind reeled from the chaos of emotions, and the sudden shift from euphoria to despair was almost too much to handle. What the fuck just happened? They had a great night and a fantastic morning, hadn't they?

Becky collapsed on the couch, noticing how tidy the coffee table was. Lucinda probably picked it up. Her heart clenched as her phone buzzed beside her .

She grabbed at it, hoping for there to be a text from Lucinda explaining what had just happened, but it was her dad.

Dad: Sorry I walked in on you and your...

Dad: Lucinda.

Becky: It's okay. Just let me know b4 you come over next time.

Dad: B4?

Becky: Say it out loud.

Dad: Oh!

Dad: LOL

Becky scoffed as she rubbed her temples, trying to ease the stress headache away. Becky didn't understand Lucinda's hot-and-cold attitude. One moment, she was yearning for Becky's attention, and the next Lucinda was trying to get as far away from Becky as she could.

Why couldn't Lucinda just talk to her?

Becky dialed Josephine’s number and pressed the phone to her ear.

"Dr. Josephine Mars," Josephine said in her professional voice.

"Hey, it's Becky."

Josephine laughed, her tone shifting to something more casual. "Oh sorry, I didn't check who was calling. What's up? "

"You free for coffee or lunch?"

A few hours later, Becky was sitting across from Josephine at a sandwich shop close to the hospital.

"So, what's the big emergency?" Josephine tore into her BLT like she hadn't eaten in days.

Becky toyed with a fry on her plate, not sure where to start. "Ya know, Lucinda and I have been...seeing each other?"

Josephine hid her smile behind her sandwich, "Fucking each other every chance you get? Yeah, I had some idea.”

Becky sighed. She didn't have the patience today. "Focus, Josephine. This isn’t about sex.”

"Sorry, sorry. I'm listening. What happened?"

Becky told her everything that had happened between her and Lucinda. The meetings, the incredible sex, and the small moments they shared. How they agreed to take things slow. Then, she shared what happened that morning.

“Everything was going well,” Becky said, her voice trembling slightly as she continued. “We had such a great night, and this morning felt perfect. We were cooking breakfast together, and then my dad just showed up.”

Josephine’s expression shifted to one of concern. “And that’s when everything fell apart? ”

“Exactly,” Becky confirmed. “Lucinda seemed fine at first, but when Dad came in, she just...panicked. She left without a word, and now I don’t understand what went wrong.”

Josephine considered this for a moment then leaned forward. “It sounds like there’s more going on with Lucinda than just your dad’s unexpected visit. She might be struggling with something deeper, something that she might not be ready to share yet."

Becky’s eyes stung. “But what? I tried to talk to her, but she just ran out. How can I fix something if I don't know what's wrong?"

Josephine’s voice softened. “People have their own demons, Becks. Sometimes they react in ways that don’t make sense to others. Lucinda might be struggling with something unbeknownst to us."

“Why couldn’t she just talk to me? Why does she have to run away and leave me in the dark? I could fix it if she would just..." She stopped talking before the frustration could overtake her.

Josephine reached out, placing a hand on Becky’s arm. “Sometimes people need space to figure things out. It’s not fair to you, but it’s also not your fault."

“I get that, but she's making me feel like I’m being punished for something I don’t even understand.”

Josephine nodded. "Then maybe you should let this go."

Josephine’s advice clanged in her head the whole ride home. The weight of the morning’s events felt heavier now that she was alone. Did she want to keep dealing with this with Lucinda? Or should she break it off? She didn't want to stop seeing Lucinda, though. If anything, she wanted more from her. She wanted everything: Lucinda's sweet laughter, her reassuring smiles, and her wit. Becky wanted her. It hurt to think that it might all be unraveling because of something she couldn’t even understand.

By late evening, Becky returned to her house and opened her phone to find a text from Lucinda. The message was short and cryptic.

Lucinda: Can we talk?

Her heart plummeted into her stomach. That question never ended with a good laugh. Becky responded quickly.

Becky: When and where?

Lucinda: Tomorrow at the cafe on North St at 5.

Becky: See you then .

The hours seemed to drag on as Becky prepared herself for the conversation. She dressed carefully, wanting to feel confident. The café was a cozy place they had frequented. Well, where Becky frequented to get Lucinda's sugary coffee drinks. Becky hoped that the familiar setting might ease the tension between them.

Becky claimed a seat on the patio after grabbing a tea for herself and a caramel latte for Lucinda. At 5 p.m., Lucinda walked in, her face an unreadable mix of emotions. She looked around and spotted Becky, her expression shifting between sadness and resolve. Becky stood up, smiling, but everything felt forced.

“Hey,” Becky said softly.

Lucinda took a seat in front of her. “Hi.”

"I got you this." Becky pushed over the coffee drink. "It's probably not sweet enough for you."

Lucinda smiled sadly. "Thanks.

The initial awkwardness was palpable as Lucinda fidgeted with her untouched drink. Becky broke the silence first.

“I’ve been trying to understand what happened yesterday,” she said, her voice more delicate than she anticipated. “I didn’t mean for things to get so...complicated. ”

Lucinda’s eyes were filled with a mix of sadness and frustration. “It’s not just about this yesterday. It’s about everything.”

Becky’s heart sank. “What do you mean? We’ve been taking things slow, and I thought we were making progress. What’s going on?”

Lucinda took a deep breath, her gaze fixed on the table. “I’ve been dealing with a lot of things on my own, and I didn’t realize how much it would affect us. I’ve got these fears and insecurities that I haven’t been able to shake.”

Becky leaned in, her voice soft and earnest. “You can tell me anything, Lucinda. I want to understand.”

Lucinda’s eyes met Becky’s, and for a moment, there was a flicker of vulnerability. “It’s not that simple. I’ve been trying to protect myself from getting hurt, and when things start to feel too real, I panic. I thought I was ready for this, but then I realized I’m not. This is…this is too much."

"You mean I'm too much," Becky confirmed.

"No, I mean—" Lucinda started.

“But I wouldn't hurt you. You have to understand that,” Becky cut in. "I would never want to."

"I don't know that for sure." Lucinda didn't look at her. "You could let me down at any time, and I don't want you getting involved with my personal bullshit."

What was she even talking about?

“Lucinda—"

“I can’t.”

Becky's anger bubbled to the surface. "I'm so sick of these mixed signals. I just want you to be honest with me. Just tell me what you need, and I can make it happen!"

"I need space!' Lucinda looked down, shocked by her reaction. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal stuff?—”

“Internal stuff?” Becky interrupted, her attitude flaring. “You think that’s an excuse for just disappearing? You left me hanging, not knowing what I did wrong. It’s like I’m nothing to you. All I am is a quick fuck." Becky felt tears threaten the backs of her eyes.

Lucinda’s eyes were wide with hurt. “That’s not fair. I said from the beginning that I wanted to take things slow."

Becky’s feelings were now a full-blown storm tearing at her heart. “And I agreed. But I didn't agree with being left in the dark every time you need space. I need you to talk to me."

Lucinda’s face flushed with frustration. “Well, maybe that's not what I signed up for. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship that requires this much emotional investment."

Becky was surprised by Lucinda's chilly attitude. She wasn't the sweet, gentle woman she had gotten to know but the icy woman who had stormed into her office and accused her of not being able to handle her job.

Becky leaned forward, her voice icy. “I don’t want to be with someone who runs away when things get tough. If you’re not ready for a real relationship, then just admit it.”

Lucinda locked eyes with her, her voice even. "I'm not ready. I don't think I ever will be. I'm…I'm broken."

“Fine.” Becky nodded, her fingers tapping against the metal table. "But I want you to know I was willing to help you. I would have helped you glue the pieces back together, if you had just asked."

Lucinda’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry."

Becky stood up, her face burning from anger and embarrassment. “I need someone who can face challenges with me, not someone who runs away."

With that, Becky turned and walked away from the café, her steps heavy with the weight of the conversation. The anger that had fueled her departure began to dissolve into profound sadness. She had hoped for resolution, for understanding, but instead, she was left with a sense of emptiness and loss.

The café, once a place of joy and connection, now felt like a symbol of everything that had gone wrong. Becky felt the tears she had been holding back spill as she got into her car. She had hoped to build something meaningful with Lucinda, but now it seemed like all she had left was a broken heart and unanswered questions.

As she walked to her car, the streets felt colder and the city lights more distant. The future seemed uncertain, and the promise of what might have been with Lucinda felt like a cruel joke. Becky knew that she would have to find a way to move on, but for now, all she could do was let the tears fall and try to make sense of the emotional whirlwind that had left her feeling so empty.

Becky stared at her phone for a long moment, her heart aching as she replayed the painful conversation she’d just had with Lucinda. The sky outside had darkened, and the city lights flickered as if mocking her. She needed to talk to someone, and Josephine was the first person who came to mind. With a shaky hand, she dialed Josephine’s number and waited as it rang.

“Josephine Mars,” Josephine answered in her professional voice..

“It’s Becky,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

There was a brief pause on the other end before Josephine’s tone softened. “Hey. Are you okay?”

Becky swallowed hard, feeling a lump in her throat. “Not really. I’m a mess. Lucinda and I broke things off.”

Josephine’s voice immediately grew concerned. “Oh no. What happened? Tell me everything."

Becky took a deep breath, her fingers trembling as she clutched the phone. “We met up at a coffee shop. I thought we were going to talk things through, you know? So we could fix whatever was going on.”

Josephine’s silence urged her to continue.

“So, we started talking,” Becky said, her voice quivering. “I told her how confused I was about what happened. I tried to understand why she ran off like that. She said it wasn’t just about my dad showing up; it was about everything. She said she’s dealing with a lot of internal stuff, like fears and insecurities.”

Josephine’s voice was gentle. “And what did you say?”

“I told her I wanted to understand,” Becky said, her voice tinged with frustration. “I wanted to help her, but she...she kept saying she wasn’t ready. That she was broken and didn’t want to drag me into her mess.”

Josephine sighed heavily. “Becky, I know this is hard, but it sounds like you did everything you could. You were patient, understanding, and willing to support her. Sometimes people have their own battles that they feel they need to get through by themselves.”

“I know,” Becky said, tears slipping down her cheeks. She wiped them away harshly. “But why do it by yourself when there is someone willing to help you?"

Josephine didn't respond. Becky heard a steady beep in her silence. Probably a heart monitor.

"It feels like everything is falling apart. It doesn't even seem like it affected her. I feel like she just threw me aside."

Josephine’s voice was soothing. “It’s normal to feel like that, especially after investing so much emotionally. But remember, this isn’t a reflection of your worth or your ability to have a relationship. Sometimes people are just not in the right place to reciprocate what we’re offering.”

Becky nodded, even though Josephine couldn’t see her. “I keep thinking about all the good times we had, all the moments that seemed so perfect. And now it feels like a cruel joke. Like everything I believed in was just an illusion.”

Josephine’s voice was empathetic. “It’s okay to grieve what could have been. But try not to let this define you or your future. You have a lot of love to give, and the right person will come along when the time is right.”

“I just wish I knew what went wrong,” Becky said, her voice trembling. “I wish she had just said no from the start."

"Wishing doesn't do any good now, Becks. All you can do is heal and move on. I promise there is someone out there who is waiting for your love. I promise. You don’t have to go through this alone. You have friends who care about you, and you have your own strength. It’s okay to lean on others and take things one day at a time.”

Becky wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Thanks, Josephine. I don’t know what I’d do without you."

Josephine’s voice was warm and comforting. “I’m here for you, Becky. Anytime you need to talk or just need a distraction, you can call me."

Becky nodded. "Just do me a favor and don't tell Ember all the details. I don't really want her asking me about it."

"You got it. I'll take care of everything, don't worry. Okay, I do have to go, but text me if you need anything."

"I will, thanks." Becky sniffed.

When the call ended, Becky leaned her head against the steering wheel, feeling exhaustion overtake her. Her head and her heart ached. She looked up to see Lucinda walking out of the café, her face not reflecting any emotion. The coffee Becky had bought for her still sat untouched on the patio table.

And suddenly, all of the comfort Josephine had given her had been ripped away. She felt like a nobody. She was no one to Lucinda. Just a quick lay and undivided attention. Becky started her car, wondering if she would ever recover from Lucinda's wounds.

Fuck, she needed a drink.