42. Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Two

Iris

No... No .

My consciousness is peaking into the dark abyss that I've grown comfortable in. My worries, my stresses, and the worst of my emotions cloud the dreamless slumber that was so mercifully bestowed upon me. Memories bathe the inside of my skull as I come alive. The betrayal, the lies, the death, and the destruction... all of it permeates my inner thoughts, and I seem to have no reprieve from it. My body shivers as I try and fight the consciousness. I don't want it. I don't want to be pulled back into the reality of my world.

"Open your eyes, Iris."

That voice. I know that voice. My instinctual mind is screaming at me to avoid it, but a primal part of me leans into it. I want to follow it out of here. It offers me ease. My senses slowly come alive, but I try my best to prevent it. Even when a small breeze caresses my skin, pulling me toward it. I don't want to wake up. Bitter agony sweeps over me until I feel the slow drip of a tear roll down my cheek, followed by the warm press of a thumb, wiping it away. My eyes fly open from the contact, and I'm met with a vivid pair of purple eyes. I try and suck in a breath, but pieces of my body are still paralyzed.

"Breathe," Remus commands. He inhales, coaching me through the process as I finally come down from my panic. The sound of waves fills my senses, and I immediately look around, recognizing where we are. We're on the beach. It's the same beach I was brought to after the resistance attacked and almost killed me. Where Remus consoled me about my brother and professed his feelings for me, that he would never let humans have me.

We're sitting in the living room, the floor-to-ceiling window open to reveal the peaceful shoreline. I note that my body has been fully healed. There isn't even an ache or soreness from my injuries. Remus has healed me during my time under the inhibitor. My gaze shifts to the waves that touch the sand lightly before dipping back into the ocean, letting it calm me before I find the courage to look Remus in the eye. Discomfort coils deep in my gut as I take him in. He's wearing light clothing that matches the climate, his white hair pulled high away from his face. His face is as perfect as I remember, not a blemish in sight on his smooth skin. Not even a bruise from battle. He's very much alive and in front of me, watching me with a strange expression.

"You scared me for a moment. I thought you weren't going to come back to me," he says softly. I don't know if he's referring to the inhibitor or my escape into the resistance. I can't even tell if he's angry. He's terrifyingly emotionless as he looks at me. I know he should be filled with rage from my blatant betrayal and everything I've done, but he doesn't seem to be displaying it as he looks down at me.

"Does the reality of the world terrify you that much? That you would hide behind an inhibitor you once loathed?" he says as his thumb runs over my cheek comfortingly. More tears pool in my eyes, but I blink them back as he watches me.

"You were dead," I say. He stops the comforting motion, pulling his hand away from my face as he considers how to explain his miraculous survival to me.

"I was never dead. But you did force me to realize something when you fired that weapon. You weren't going to take my words into consideration about the freedom you seek and the people you tried to save. I needed to let you see it for yourself," he scoffs. "I assume you saw more than you needed for you to want an inhibitor."

I look away, unable to face him. Jude's death still weighs heavily on me. I don't know the condition of my brother and after he let Iriel take me away, I don't care. The humans that were hiding away in that cave planned to let us all die on the outside and attempt to take the planet once the population had been thinned. Jude and I risked everything on the outside on multiple occasions, enduring hell so that the world could be free. And the people we risked it for never meant to bother. They used us. We were only disposable rats for them. Even my rescue was to protect themselves should their plans go south. The bitter reality is that human nature is vicious. And Remus let me have a front-row seat to it.

"How did you survive the weapon?" I whisper, trying to change the subject.

"I already told you, Iris. There is nothing on this planet that can kill me. Was it worth it? Your betrayal, your fight, your sacrifices? Were they all worth it?" he asks. I look at him now that his tone has shifted. His eyes show anger as he studies me, and I suddenly realize what he means by my betrayal. He isn't speaking of my attempt to kill him.

He's speaking of Jude.

"How do you—"

"Do you remember that day in the mountains? When you tried to end your life?" he asks. His voice is gentle as he speaks. I slowly nod my head, the events of that day playing back as if on cue. It was raining... he lost control and bit me.

"I didn't just lose control with you." He reaches up, pulling the collar of his shirt aside to reveal the pulsating symbol on his chest. My eyes widen as I take it in suddenly remembering the events right before he showed up, including a similar marking showing up on my skin.

"We are bonded."

I blink in confusion, the room suddenly feeling less comforting as he watches me.

"What does that mean?" I ask in a shaky whisper .

"When I bit you, I bonded you to me. Not only did I give you my essence, but I put it in your bloodstream. You now share my life."

I suddenly feel lightheaded as millions of questions hit me.

"When you first awoke in the resistance, did you feel sick? Uneasy? Emotions that did not make sense to you?" he asks. I slowly nod my head, unable to form a response.

"Initially, I embedded your marking and closed off our existence from one another. I planned to tell you about it once you were better adjusted to being by my side. But with the attack and the weapon, I was weakened and not in control of the bond, hence my emotions filtering into your mind." Remus continues to explain, but I find myself slowly losing my grip on reality as he speaks.

"You... were in my head the whole time?" I ask. Remus laughs, shaking his head.

"Not in the way you think. I cannot roam in your mind and sift through your memories and thoughts. I can, however, feel what you feel, including your misplaced lust for another. For you, the bond is a one-sided pact. Since you are human, you only receive the benefits of it—"

"Is that how you knew where the resistance was? Because of the bond?" I ask. Remus nods, once again gauging my reaction. I'm partially grateful he doesn't just use the bond to invade my emotional space. He seems content to figure me out on his own. Suddenly, Ezra's reaction to my presence comes to mind.

"Is that why Ezra was confused about my presence?" I ask in horror .

Remus once again nods his head.

"You carry my essence within you now."

"But Iriel didn't sense it," I say in confusion.

Remus chuckles. "Essence is only something my siblings and I can sense. It is not a Leviathan trait. Iriel damned himself the moment he brought you back."

I shake my head in disbelief. Remus bonded to me? I've never even heard a term used in such a way, and Remus did it to me. Panic begins to settle in as I consider what this entails exactly.

"Why would you do this to me... you hate me!" I shout.

Remus releases a heavy breath. "It was a mistake. But I do not regret that it happened."

Through my haze of panic, I feel a small sense of amusement at Remus's words. Remus doesn't make mistakes. From the moment I met him, he has been a very calculated being, pushing his emotions aside. But he made a mistake. He finally made a mistake at my expense. I feel his fingers gripping my chin as he forces my gaze to meet his.

"I do not hate you, Iris. I've lived for many years. I understand your reactions, emotions, and need to protect all you've ever known. What you never understood was that from the very beginning, you never stood a chance. There was never a point in this war when I felt humanity would take this planet back. There was never a time when I doubted my plan. I allowed them their will to fight and never unleashed my full power on this world because that would just be cruel," he says.

I shake my head, pushing his hands away .

"Why aren't you punishing me? I betrayed you, I killed your people, I fought you. I told them about the main port, and I told them about the weapons. All of your problems came from me. Why won't you just kill me and rid yourself of me?" I ask in desperation. Remus eyes me in pity.

"After everything I've told you, is it not obvious?" Remus studies me with a strange expression, his eyes roaming over my face as he comes to terms with my lack of understanding. A small chuckle escapes his lips, and he shakes his head before finally responding.

"I don't want to. I like you, Iris. Even if you are hellbent on advocating for your planet, and after this escapade, I will acknowledge that you are a very real threat for your planet." Before I can respond, Remus is up, signifying an end to the conversation.

"For now, you have a choice to make. I am very curious to know how your time among them has affected you," Remus says as he steps toward the open glass, looking out at the ocean.

"You can remain here on Earth, and I will grant your desire to live under the darkness of an inhibitor... or you can come with me to Xyrannis of your own free will." Remus turns to face me, crossing his arms over his chest. A curious expression fills his features as he watches me.

"You'll let me go just like that?" I ask.

He nods. "As I said before, you are a very worthy adversary."

"But what about... being bonded?" I ask.

Remus raises a brow, angling his head to study me. "That's my concern if you decide to stay, is it not? "

I take hesitant steps toward the railing, looking out over the ocean as my mind tries to process what this could mean.

"And humanity... you still won't let them go?" I ask. Remus releases a breath, turning to face the ocean alongside me.

"You should no longer concern yourself with their fate." Remus gently places his hand in mine, pulling me to face him. I find myself drawn into his gaze as he searches mine. This was his plan all along. He allowed my escape so that I could see the cruelty of humanity up close. So that they could break me in the way that he couldn't. My own brother turned on me and used me for bait. Jude was killed trying to protect me. Everything I had to live for turned out to be wrong. Remus told me this the entire time we were together, but now he no longer has to tell me. I've experienced it.

Even Sky's words ring in my head.

"The world I grew up in was hell long before the Leviathan showed up."

She was right. I was naive. There was never any right or wrong to fight for. Just the lesser of two evils. Remus gently grips my face between his palms, his expression holding me steady.

"Choose, Iris. Me or them?"

The air is warm. The sky is blue, and the water vividly matches the color. I take in the small hairpin in my hand—the same one Remus gave me the night of the celebration. While I was in the resistance, it was a way for me to remember him, but he never left. I look up at the water as it brushes the shore, only to sink back into the ocean.

He was connected to me the entire time.

Remus is forcing me to make a decision. A conscious decision. I can choose my planet or him. I laugh bitterly at the turn of events. There's no more fighting for it, no more rebellion. According to Remus, we never stood a chance, and after watching him and Xion tear through the resistance in under an hour, I agree with him.

It's a terrifying thing to be at the mercy of such a strong being. His idea of mercy was allowing us the free will to fight against what we thought was a close fight. He was sparing our feelings. I laugh aloud at the thought of it. Remus allowed us to wallow in our own suffering so that we wouldn't have to face the might of his power. And now he is making me choose.

It should be an easy decision. The amount of betrayal and sadness I endured in the resistance is enough to make me crave the dreamless state of the inhibitor. The nightmares I have of Jude's death, Cypress's betrayal, and Iriel's very real threat make me want nothing more than to step away from this world. Remus was right about one thing: I did see too much. It's too much for me to handle. Even now, my eyes burn with unshed tears as I think of Jude's meaningless death.

I still have yet to ask Remus about Cypress's whereabouts or condition. Does it make me a terrible human for not caring? For not unconditionally loving him or my people? Remus knows exactly what he is doing. He is giving me a choice I never had in the first place. All this time, he kept me alive with threats and the false idea that my planet would be liberated, but both of those are null and void. I can join my planet how I would have if he hadn't found me, or I can live by his side.

I think of the night of the celebration. Throughout my time with Remus, I have slowly transitioned from a slave to the empire to his equal. Even in our last days together, he constantly reiterated my being by his side. Not his pet, but by his side. And that night, he kept me there. He treated me as if we were together and I was not beneath him. He was kind and patient. And now he still is, even after all I have done. Before then, his attitude toward me was shifting. He constantly told me how he felt and how he saw me. I just never truly acknowledged it until now.

He has changed. For me, he has changed. But for my people, he has not, and after the resistance's reveal of their true plans, I don't think he ever will. Will it always be my job to fight for a planet that is lost?

I suffered for months secretly plotting against Remus, risking everything when it was all for nothing. I spent years of my life suffering in the blight with women I had grown up with after the Leviathan invasion, only to find out that we were never on anyone's radar to save. We were the bait. And even when I finally found my brother, the man in my memories who was kind and gentle, he never once treated me as his sister. From the moment we met, he saw me as a calculation in this war. I bring my knees to my chest, lowering my chin as my emotions seem to spin out of control.

I am truly alone .

I tense when I feel his presence. I know now that it is the bond between us. The emotions I felt in the resistance were his. The headache and pain I felt were because his essence was running rampant through my body without its owner to calm it down. And now, as he comes near me on the wooden deck, I feel somewhat at ease. Remus silently sits next to me, reaching for my hand. He gently pulls the pendant from my grasp, looking at it.

"You kept it," he says. I nod my head. At the time, I felt such heavy guilt for what I thought had killed him. Now that he is back, I don't know what to feel. Even his reaction to me is throwing me off. He refuses to punish me or at least be angry. He's calm and patient.

"If I choose you, does that make me a traitor?" I ask. Remus laughs next to me, pulling my attention. He's looking at the pendant in his hand with an actual smile on his lips. His gaze shifts to focus on me as he speaks.

"You've done this from the moment I met you, you know," he says in amusement. "You think choosing to give in to your true desires places you on a side. Life is not black and white, Iris. It is gray. It is deeper than gray. It is a tumultuous mix of the colors not once solidifying to form a permanent one. Nothing about it is certain. I've told you this before. Admitting your planet is beautiful does not put you on the Leviathan side. Enjoying the pleasures of sex does not put you on the Leviathan side. Choosing life over an empty existence does not make you a traitor. If you think choosing me will mean you turned your back on your planet, then don't choose me. "

Remus's expression shifts as he reaches for my face. His knuckles gently brush against my cheek as he admires my features.

"Choose life," he whispers.

"You fought for them, you sacrificed for them, and you were betrayed by them. You have done everything you possibly could for them. What is this guilt that clings so heavily to you?" he asks. "When will you make a decision that makes you happy?"

I know now that he is genuinely confused by my emotions. The day he bonded with me, we sat inside and he explained that he never understood me. It was something that drew him to me.

"I can give you life under an inhibitor. If you wish to drift into nothing for the sake of a race that doesn't even know your name," he says.

I shake my head in confusion.

"Why would you do that for me? Why wouldn't you just... force me to stay by your side? Why do you want me to make this decision?" I ask. Remus pulls his hand away from my face, seeming to think about what it is he's going to say next.

"You will continue to fight me if it is not what you want. I see that now and do not wish to force you."

"And if I choose the inhibitor?" I ask. Remus studies me heavily before he leans close to me, pushing my hair aside. He gently places his lips against mine, his thumb lightly moving across my cheek as he kisses me.

He pulls away, his purple gaze vivid as he looks at me. "Then I have genuinely enjoyed our time together, Iris. "

He holds his hand out to me, and I look down to see the inhibitor in his hand. It's strange something so small can control my entire being for the rest of my life. My fingers tremble as I reach for the silver dot in his hand. It's so small, so light. My gaze shifts to Remus. He is once again focused on me, intensely studying me so that he can somehow understand me and my reaction.

My head is spinning as I try to make a decision—a decision for myself. Will I truly be happy by his side? Will I truly be happy letting go of my race? Can I live with myself?

I suck in a deep breath, finally coming to a decision.