16. Liam

16

LIAM

I turn the water all the way to cold and stand under the punishing spray until my blood cools. I’ve never. And I mean never, felt like I did when my lips touched Marley’s. It felt as if Yellowstone Caldera erupted inside of me, as if all the desires and urges I thought I’d long buried suddenly came back to life.

I know that without a doubt if I had stayed near her a minute longer, I would have picked her up, taken her to my bedroom, and spent the afternoon buried inside of her.

The memory of how her silky skin felt in my hands, her rounded hip, and the sweetness on her tongue, brings up a groan inside my chest that I have to stifle. It’s been nearly two years since I’ve had sex and I wouldn’t call myself a player before that, but no woman has ever set me on fire like Marley Green.

But as much as I loved the kiss, as much as I want more, I can’t do that. My inclinations in the bedroom are dominant. A little too dominant for some women and I don’t want to see the disgusted look in her eye I’ve seen before. Even just a little bondage is too much for some women.

But, God, when I think of Marley, wrists tied to my bed posts, squirming as I taste her pussy, the satin ties rubbing against her flesh, I go a little crazy.

I grip my rock-hard cock in my hand and squeeze it in the hopes that it will calm down, but it doesn’t. Not even when I turn the water temperature all the way down.

There’s only one thing I can do. I take matters into my own hand and pray that I’m able to keep my grunts and groans to myself.

One pass of my hand across my cock, drags a shiver through my entire body and I grip the shower wall with my free hand to keep my balance as I stroke again and again. I try to think of anything, any woman other than Marley, but all I can see is her. Her sweet soft mouth, her flesh pink with anticipation.

And when I think of her maybe liking my kink and wanting to go further—her gorgeous body all tied up in shibari ropes—I explode harder than I ever have before.

Staying silent is almost impossible as my body shakes and seizes with orgasm and by the time the last wave leaves my body, I feel limp. The climb, the kiss, everything makes each of my limbs feel like a thousand pounds.

Somehow, I drag myself out of the shower and dry off my electrified body. I stare at myself in the mirror for a moment, my hair slicked back and wet, my beard dripping, and I see a man who doesn’t deserve someone like Marley.

I’ve tried for years to literally outrun the pain of my past, two miles a day, three miles a day, ten, until I’m running so far I’m catching up with myself. My cleaning, my neatness, and my attention to detail all helps me keep this delusion that I can control my environment so that I won’t get caught by surprise by tragedy ever again.

It’s worked for a long time—at least reasonably so—but I can feel that sense of control slipping, feel the fear creeping back in and it has everything to do with how badly I want Marley. With how badly I want to be a good man for Marley.

I am not whole enough for her, and she has enough messes, enough impossible problems to fix at the newspaper. I couldn’t live with the thought of adding that.

Staring hard into my eyes I make myself a promise. I won’t kiss her again. No matter how badly I want to .

It’s only two weeks until the Aldridge’s return. Surely, I can survive fourteen more days.

“What are you doing here already?” Max asks when I breeze into Redpoint after my shower. He’s standing behind the counter screwing on a new tap handle. “You’re not on the schedule until this evening.”

“I thought of something on the Aspen project that I wanted to double-check.” The lie comes out of me so naturally, I almost believe it.

Max just nods in acceptance. “How was the climb? Elliot said you were risking some chossy holds and ascending too fast. Everything okay?”

Of course, Elliot told Max. I debate for a hot second about discussing my situation with Marley. If anyone in my life could relate to wanting someone they shouldn’t—it’s him. But I’m not sure it’s something I want to talk about when Elliot or Gus could hear me. “Just a little overstressed I think.” I offer, spearing my fingers through my hair. “The Aspen location, and other things…” I flick my gaze toward my apartment across the street.

Max seems to understand and lowers his voice. “If you need to talk, let me know.”

I swallow. Max has grown a lot from Gus’s guidance and his weekly therapy sessions. It’s such a shocking change that if someone had told me two years ago that he’d be this emotionally mature, I would have laughed in their face. But he really has turned into a man like my father—a lot like the man I’ve always wanted to be.

“I appreciate that,” I mutter, feeling like I’m further away from that man than I’ve ever been before. I walk towards my office, considering therapy for myself. I’ve thought of it before, but I’m worried instead of opening up, I’ll simply disintegrate and that just can’t be better.

I fall into my desk chair, open my laptop, and bury my feelings in work, like an adult.