14. Alex

Chapter 14

Alex

Hunched over my laptop, a heavy weight on my shoulder startled me. I jolted upright at Dad's concerned face. "You're not usually up this early."

Early? It felt like midnight, but … oh shit, the clock read 5:30. I hadn't pulled an all-nighter since law school. I concealed my surprise with a groggy eye rub.

I'd turned the dining table into a makeshift desk: laptop front and center, flanked by my trusty black Montblanc notebook and an almost empty coffee mug. The mess resembled the inside of my skull, which felt shaken up when the word ‘transgender' passed over Grace's rosy lips.

"Couldn't sleep," I mumbled, which sounded more reasonable than ‘I lost track of time reading the entire internet and examining all my beliefs under a microscope.'

When Dad looked at my notebook — covered in acronyms and arrows pointing to definitions about dead names and hormone therapy and vocal training — his eyebrows raised almost to his hairline. The instinct rose to hide my research, but covering up would seem guilty, it would be better to act detached.

I yawned with an unrushed stretch. "I went for drinks with Mallory and Grace. And Grace told me that she's …" Why did I hesitate? I'd read the word two thousand times in the past — oh shit, eight hours .

Dad tapped a circled acronym. "She told you she's transgender." He frowned into the filter basket of the coffeemaker d moved from the kitchen and poured himself a mug. "I didn't think she'd tell you."

I opened my mouth to ask why not … but why would she? Mallory had warned her mid-disclosure that she didn't think I could handle it.

"She said she trusts me," I defended, feeling inordinate pride that I'd earned her trust, although I hadn't proven myself worthy of it. What would it take to become the person she thought I could be?

"It's a miracle she can trust anyone, especially another man, after the what her father did. How'd you react?" Dad lowered carefully into a chair.

How did I react? Hard to say. Everything after the word transgender was hazy. "Um, surprised. Thankfully Mallory was there."

Dad's eyebrows shot up. "Did you just say, ‘Thankfully Mallory was there'? Am I in a coma and this is some wild morphine dream?"

I rolled my eyes, not wanting to acknowledge that my sister might actually be cool … in an annoying way. "How'd you take it, when she told you?"

"Well, I was lucky," Dad said, lifting his ankle over his knee. "She told your mom first, and Mom told me. Not to violate Grace's privacy, but because Mom wanted me to be ready if she ever decided to disclose." He sighed. "Your mom wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be another man who told her he knew her body better than she did."

Shit, I hadn't thought of it that way. Had I ever …? Of course I had when I was stubborn and she'd said she'd play Santa.

‘You can't decide to be a man. What if I told you I was a woman?'

‘I'd say, ‘Welcome to the club, we get pedicures on Tuesdays.''

Fuck, I'd been such an oblivious, self-righteous idiot.

Not had been. I still was.

"I was still a nervous wreck. She was scared, and I wanted to reassure her without rushing her. When she told me, I —" He let out an amused little chuckle. I wanted to shake him to fish, but instead leaned back. "I thought of you."

"Me?" I was the worst person to emulate in an emotional moment. Nick would be the first choice, gauging every emotion. Mom would come next, warm and comforting. Mallory would be irreverent to loosen the person up. But me, I was … "Why me?"

"I thought, ‘How would Alex seem like he feels nothing, when he's really feeling everything?'"

My shoulders tightened and my jaw clenched, but I didn't speak. I couldn't.

Dad smiled, knowing my scowl wasn't what it seemed. "So I shrugged and told her, ‘You say you're Grace, so you're Grace.'"

"That was it?" He nodded. "And how did she —"

"She stared at the mountain for a long time. We both did."

We looked out the dining room window, watching the dawn break into pinks and peaches. "Is this what you meant, when you said she was different from Mallory and Victoria?"

"Partially, but I think you understand that she's more than a letter on a birth certificate. She loves deeper than anyone, even when she's the most likely to get hurt. She puts it on the line when she has the most to lose. And she's like another daughter to me, you know that, right?" He squeezed my shoulder, and it vibrated through my entire body.

"You parent the kids you get, whether you meet them on the day they're born, or she arrives on Christmas Day with a pie in her hand, a chip on her shoulder, and her heart on her sleeve."

I blinked. Why was the sky so fuzzy?

A question escaped, a whisper to the sunrise: "Why did she trust me?"

"With me, she needed a dad. Maybe she needs you to be her big brother." Bile that rose in my throat."Or she needs to trust that good men are still out there. As much as you hide behind your gruff exterior … a soft heart is buried deep in there." He ruffled my hair. "Now put your phone on silent and go to bed, Alex. You've had a long night."