Chapter 38

CHAPTER 38

G o back. His bear tugged at him, trying to make him stop, turn around. Not good, not safe. Go back, go back, go back.

Archie thrust his animal away, refusing to listen. He kept running, stumbling over tree roots, thorns scratching his legs.

It would have been a lot faster and easier as a bear. But he couldn’t shift. Shifting was bad and wrong, and he was bad and wrong, and everyone would be better off without him.

He didn’t have a plan, or even any idea of where he was going. Just away. Away from Mom, and the terrible way she’d looked when she’d seen him. The look that had said that Paige was right. That it was all true.

She’d be all right, once he wasn’t around. Paige would look after her, and Mom would look after Paige. They’d have each other, and he’d be…somewhere far away, on his own. Where he couldn’t hurt anyone, not even by accident.

He kept running, lungs burning, bear whimpering at the back of his mind. They’d search the area around the camp first. His best bet was to head away from Thunder Mountain. He’d avoid the roads, and towns, and people. He’d…he’d find a cave or a deer hide or something. Somewhere he could hide until everyone gave up and stopped looking for him.

It was a stupid idea, of course. Just like all his ideas, like everything he did. Even as he ran, he knew it wasn’t going to work.

He kept going anyway, even when a shadow passed overhead. He didn’t stop when hoofbeats thudded behind him, or when they turned into footsteps, catching up. He put his head down and kept running, because that was easier than turning around to confront the truth.

Conleth didn’t try to grab him, or block his way. He just fell into step alongside him, matching his pace.

Archie tried changing direction a few times, but Conleth stuck to his side like a tall, annoying shadow. Eventually, he was forced to stop, chest heaving.

Stupid Conleth wasn’t out of breath, of course. He didn’t even look tired. Weirdly, he had the handles of a canvas bag looped around his neck, which puzzled Archie for a second until he realized that would be the only way Conleth could have carried it in his shift form.

Conleth pulled the bag over his head, rummaging inside. Without a word, he held out a water bottle. Archie glared at it, then at him.

Shrugging, Conleth set the water bottle on the ground. Moving back, he seated himself on a nearby log, stretching out his legs. “All right. It’s there if you want it. When you’re ready.”

Archie thought about taking off again, but stupid Conleth could catch him before he’d taken a single step. And he was really thirsty after all that running.

When Archie had finished drinking, Conleth gestured at the bag. “I brought snacks.”

His bear pricked up its ears. What kind of snacks?

Archie squashed his animal back into a little box at the back of his head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Well, I am.” Conleth took out a granola bar, unwrapping it. Archie caught a waft of oats and honey, and his stomach growled. “I flew a search pattern over most of Thunder Mountain before I realized you must have headed the other way. Where were you going?”

Archie hugged his stomach, trying to ignore the empty ache inside. “Why do you care? You’re gonna take me back anyway.”

“Just curious.” Conleth took an unhurried bite. “I tried to run away from home once. With my brother, Connor. We made it as far as the end of the street. So you’ve beaten us in both time and distance by a considerable margin, if that’s any consolation.”

In a weird way, it kind of was. At least there was one thing he’d done better than perfect Conleth.

It felt stupid to be standing around when Conleth wasn’t, and anyway, his legs were tired. He sat on the log, not too close. “Why did you try to run away?”

Conleth shrugged, swallowing. “It seemed easier than sticking around. We were in big trouble at the time, you see. Just been expelled from school.”

Conleth had gotten kicked out of school? “You were not .”

“Oh yes. Remind me to tell you the apple story sometime.” Conleth crumpled up the empty wrapper, tucking it into the bag. “We figured no one would miss us. That our parents would be relieved when they found out we’d gone. It didn’t work out like that, of course. Our father found us within ten minutes. Then we were in even more trouble.”

“Yeah, this is making me feel much better about getting caught,” Archie muttered. “Now I can’t wait to get dragged back and grounded for life. Thanks so much.”

Conleth shook his head. “That’s not why you don’t want to go back.”

“What would you know about it?” He was mad now, real mad, anger revving from zero to furious faster than a Ferrari. “How do you think it feels, to know you’re nothing but a giant problem for everyone you love? And it should be so easy to stop, but you can’t? Even though you want to? You have no idea what it’s like!”

“Like carrying a heavy backpack,” Conleth said quietly. He looked down at his hands. “And every day adds another rock. You try and try, but you keep making mistakes, even with things everyone else finds easy. Until there’s so much guilt and shame weighing you down, it hurts to breathe.”

Archie felt a bit like Conleth had stuck out a foot and tripped him up. “But you never make mistakes.”

“If that was true, you wouldn’t be making a determined break for Utah,” Conleth said dryly, sounding much more his usual self. “Believe me, I make mistakes. A great many of them. Just in different ways than how I used to, back when I was your age. Expelled from school, remember?”

Archie was still having a hard time wrapping his brain around the idea of Conleth ever getting in trouble. “You swear you’re not just making that up?”

“Ask Leonie, if you don’t believe me. We grew up together. She can tell you what I was like as a kid.”

It was hard to imagine Conleth had ever been a kid, let alone one who made mistakes and got kicked out of school. He always gave the impression of having been born in a business suit.

Curiosity got the better of him. “So what were you like as a kid?”

“A localized hurricane of chaos and disaster.” Conleth leaned his elbows on his knees. “I drove teachers to despair. Other kids always started off thinking I was the funniest person in the world, and ended up hating my guts when I went too far.”

That sounded painfully familiar. Still, Archie didn’t think Conleth could ever have felt the same knot of shame and anger twisting his own stomach.

“Yeah, well,” he muttered. He drew up his feet, hugging his knees. “At least you didn’t hurt your family just by existing.”

“Oh, I hurt them a great deal.” Conleth sounded like he was just reciting boring facts from a history book, but a muscle tightened in his jaw. “And not by accident. My brother Connor was my loyal shadow, following my lead without question. He constantly got into fights over things I’d done. My other brother Callum wasn’t anything like me, and I was so jealous he never got into trouble that I’d go out of my way to try to pin the blame on him. I did so much damage to our relationship when we were young, I barely saw him for years after we grew up. And rightly so.”

He blinked. “But you’re Beth’s uncle. She’s always going on about family events with you and her parents and her other uncle and everyone. I thought you all got along.”

“We do, now. More thanks to Callum than anything I did to deserve forgiveness.” Conleth looked away, staring into the trees. “But if you’d told me as a kid that one day we’d all be taking family trips together, I would have laughed in your face. I thought I’d always be an angry, impulsive idiot who ruined everything. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. Sometimes I’d hear my mom crying at night, when she thought I was asleep.”

“Sometimes my mom cries at night, too,” Archie said quietly, because some things were too terrible to say with your whole voice. “It’s the worst sound in the world.”

“Yes, it is.” Conleth fell silent for a moment. “I don’t claim to understand everything you’re going through, Archie. Your situation is different from mine, and you’re facing far tougher challenges than I ever did. But I do know something about how it feels to not be able to control your impulses. No matter how much you want to.”

Archie fiddled with his shoelaces. “You’re not like that now, though.”

“Not on the outside, no.” Conleth tapped his forehead. “But I still have the same brain. One that works differently to most. It’s noisy in here.”

“Sometimes it feels noisy in my head, too,” Archie admitted. “Like there’s a million thoughts going around and around, and I can’t catch any of them. That’s why I like to be a bear so much. Nothing bothers a bear.”

Conleth’s mouth quirked. “Unfortunately, stallions aren’t exactly known for their grounded and easy-going nature. My animal was never a refuge for me. If it had been, I suspect I would have spent a lot of time in my shift form, just like you.”

“So what did help?”

“Medication.” Conleth shrugged again. “Some other things, too. Figuring out systems that worked with my brain rather than against it, making sure I got enough exercise, hiring people to do the things I found difficult to do for myself. But none of those solutions would be enough on their own. If I want to stay focused and disciplined, I need medication to level out my brain chemistry.”

He had a strange feeling in his chest, like a growing bubble of light. “So if I took pills too, maybe I wouldn’t need to shift so much?”

“I don’t know. You’d have to talk to your mom, and your doctor. Everyone’s different, and what works for me might not work for you.” Conleth leaned forward, looking him right in the eye. “But I am absolutely certain that you have a hard time controlling your shifting because it is hard for you. Harder than it is for most shifters. Not because you’re lazy, or wrong, or bad.”

“I am, though!” His throat closed up as he remembered the way his mom had looked at him. “I don’t want to be the way I am. That’s what’s hurting my mom!”

“You. Are. Not. A. Problem,” Conleth said firmly, spacing out each word in emphasis. “Yes, your mom has issues with shifters, and we’re going to have to figure out what to do about that. But the answer isn’t for you to try to hide important parts of yourself. That’s what your mom was trying to do, by not telling anyone about her own feelings. And look how that turned out.”

Archie had to turn that one around in his head a few times, looking at the idea from different angles. “Can I have a granola bar?”

Conleth handed him one. It was his favorite type, with raisins and chocolate chips. Archie chewed on it, thinking.

“I guess Mom was trying to protect me,” he said eventually. “But it makes me feel worse now, knowing that she was hurting inside all this time. I wish she’d just told me the truth.”

“Sometimes keeping a secret feels safer than admitting how you really feel.” Conleth made a funny kind of huffing sound, looking off into the trees. “I know that from personal experience, too.”

“I don’t,” Archie said sadly, or at least as sadly as you could while eating chocolate chips, which wasn’t very. “I’m no good at keeping secrets. I blurt stuff out all the time.”

Without being asked, Conleth handed him another granola bar. “That’s one of the things I admire about you.”

Archie squinted at him. “Really?”

“Really.” Conleth actually sounded like he meant it. “It takes a lot of bravery to be honest about your feelings.”

“I don’t feel brave,” he said dubiously. “Most of the time, I feel like everyone else has it together, and I’m flailing along trying to keep up.”

Conleth nodded, as though this had proved something. “Exactly my point. I often feel the same way. But I’d never admit it, except to a few special people.”

“You literally just admitted it,” Archie pointed out through a mouthful of oats.

“So I did.” Conleth gestured at the granola bar. “When you’ve finished that, we should head back to camp. If you’re ready.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Archie wasn’t looking forward to facing the music, but it wasn’t fair to keep Mom and Paige waiting. “Hey, Conleth?”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you’re Paige’s mate.”

“So am I.” Conleth glanced at him, the corner of his mouth twitching up. “For a lot of reasons.”

Archie nibbled at his granola bar, biting the chocolate chips off the top. He let them melt on his tongue one by one, lingering as long as possible.

“Conleth,” he said slowly. “If my mom can’t stand to be around most shifters because they remind her of my dad, what does that mean for you and Paige?”

Conleth had taken out his phone to send a text. At the question, his thumbs stopped moving. He stared down at his screen, but Archie had a feeling he wasn’t actually seeing it.

“I don’t know,” Conleth said at last. “That’s up to your sister.”