Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

“ Y our mother?” For the second time in five minutes, Conleth found himself struggling to keep up. It was a novel experience. “What does she have to do with Archie’s issue? You’ve barely mentioned her in the past.”

And that was odd, now that he came to think about it. If there was one thing he knew about Paige, it was that she was completely devoted to her family. Most of the campers chattered incessantly about their parents at every opportunity, yet he’d never heard either Archie or Paige reciprocate with tales about their own home life.

“You never talk about your mother,” he said more slowly, new connections falling into place in his mind. “There’s a reason for that, isn’t there?”

Paige nodded, eyes bleak. “Promise you won’t tell Archie anything about this. He doesn’t know. And he cannot find out.”

“I won’t breathe a word.” He took her hand, squeezing it. “I can keep a secret, Paige.”

“I know.” She let out a shaky breath, shoulders slumping. “And you deserve to know the full truth.”

“Only if you want to tell me.” Her hand was cold. He wrapped his fingers around hers, enfolding her in as much warmth as he could. “But not here.”

She stumbled a little as he pulled her toward the door. “Where are we going?”

“This doesn’t sound like the sort of conversation to have across a desk. Or over one.” He guided her out of the office. “And you’re always more relaxed outside. Come on.”

He would have liked to take her into the woods, where she seemed most comfortable, but it would be too dark for human eyes. He headed for the lake instead, stretching out his pegasus sense to make sure no one else was around. Finding a quiet spot on the shoreline, he guided her to sit on a flat rock.

“Just breathe for a minute.” He sat next to her, picking up a pebble so he’d have something to do with his hands. “Take as long as you need. There’s no rush.”

The lake murmured softly against the shore. Paige stared across the glimmering water, her hands clenched in her lap. He kept quiet, waiting. Slowly, the tension drained from her body.

“I love my mom.” Paige’s voice was as quiet as the rippling water. “And I’ve always looked up to her. You have to understand that, before anything else. She’s an amazing woman.”

He turned the pebble over, rubbing his thumb across the water-smoothed surface. “She must be, if she’s anything like her daughter.”

“You can’t imagine how hard her life has been. She’s never had any support. She grew up in care, with foster parents more interested in collecting a paycheck than actually looking after kids. My own father abandoned us when I was just a baby. But she gave me all the love she’d never had herself. We didn’t have much when I was growing up, but I always had her. That was enough.”

“Family comes first,” he murmured. “I’m beginning to see where you get that from.”

“All I ever wanted was to make her life easier. I had such big plans…” Paige let out a hollow laugh, staring into the darkness. “Well. I should have known better.”

There was certainly one curveball life had thrown at her, though he still couldn’t guess where she was going with this. “Archie?”

“It started when he was born. Well, a bit before then, in fact. When my mom broke up with his dad. My mom was so cautious about letting anyone into our lives, I never even met the guy. I guess he must have known right from the start that she wasn’t his mate, so it was never serious for him. But for a few short months, my mom was happy. Happier than I’d ever known. Until one day I found my tough, strong, unshakeable mother huddled in the shower, sobbing her eyes out. Saying was that it was over, and she was never going to see him again.”

He clenched his fist on the pebble, so hard his bones ached. “Did he know she was pregnant?”

“She didn’t know, at that point.” Paige’s voice cracked. “At first, I thought she was depressed over the breakup. And then, once her pregnancy became obvious, the doctors said she was just hormonal, and she’d feel better once she had the baby. But she didn’t. It was like something in her just broke .”

He thought of a teenage Paige, barely out of childhood herself, trying to hold everything together as her mother had once done. Desperately trying to care for the most important person in her life, as her world inexplicably crumbled around her.

Dropping the pebble, he shifted position, opening one arm in silent invitation. Paige hesitated for the briefest interest, then buried her face in the crook of his neck. He folded his arms around her, feeling the soft hitch of her breath as he held her tight.

“You’ve been taking care of your family for a long, long time,” he murmured into her hair. “But you don’t have to do it alone, Paige. Not any more.”

Her eyelashes were damp against his skin. “I haven’t talked about this before. At the time, I was too scared to tell anyone my mom would go days without eating, or spend entire night pacing in circles, unable to sleep. I was terrified that if anyone discovered the truth, Archie would be taken away. I think that really would have killed my mom.”

He rubbed her back gently. “Did she get any better?”

“A little. For Archie’s sake, I think, and mine. Even when she couldn’t take care of herself, she always cared about us.” Paige pulled away, rubbing at her eyes. “But she was never the same, Conleth. She still isn’t. Even after all this time.”

He finally connected all the dots, and cursed himself for not seeing the whole picture earlier. “You told me once that she was sick with worry over Archie’s shifting. You meant that literally, didn’t you?”

“She has severe anxiety, and struggles with depressive episodes.” Paige let out a long breath, as though saying the words had been like setting down a heavy weight. “Stress always makes it worse. When Archie first started shifting, she fell apart almost as badly as when she broke up with his dad.”

He frowned. “Wait. You said Archie couldn’t find out about any of this. But if she’s still suffering that badly, how could you hide it from him?”

“It’s not that hard. He’s only a kid.” In the moonlight, Paige looked pale, and unspeakably weary. “When she’s having one of her bad days, I just tell him that Mom’s got the flu again, or that she’s been working late and needs to catch up on sleep. Mom and I agreed it was best not to worry him.”

“Have you ever tried to persuade her to see a doctor? I understand your fears about drawing the attention of social services, but you’re an adult now, not a teenager. It’s unlikely anyone would seek to remove Archie.”

And I would kick in their head if they tried, he didn’t add. His pegasus was a furious fire in his mind, raging to trample anyone who threatened their mate or her family. But right now, Paige needed solutions, not some useless display of protectiveness.

“Oh, I’ve dragged her to plenty of doctors, when we could afford it.” Paige scrubbed her hands over her face. “She’s tried all kinds of antidepressants and pills. Nothing ever worked. Most of them just made her sick.”

“A lot of people have unusual reactions to standard medications.” He knew that all too well, having suffered through every side effect under the sun while his own physicians tried to find a formula compatible with his shifter metabolism. “It can take time to find the right treatment, especially for mental illness.”

Paige let out a brief, cynical laugh. “When you’re a woman, eventually doctors start telling you it’s all in your head, and you just need to eat better and exercise more. At least in my experience.”

“I imagine such doctors would have considerably more patience when the patient is a very rich white man, true.” He made a private mental note to get the names of those so-called doctors at a later date. “I see now why you’re so focused on reducing any sources of stress in your mother’s life.”

“If Archie could just stop turning into a bear all the time, I’m sure Mom would get better again.” Paige sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as him. “She’s had her ups and downs over the past ten years, but she wasn’t nearly this bad before he started shifting. I think she’s worried he’ll get caught one day, and the anxiety is eating her alive. Every time he transforms in front of her, I see her flinch. Meanwhile, Archie is so delighted with his abilities, he spends more time on four legs than two. And I can’t tell him why he has to learn to control his shifting.”

He knew she hadn’t told him the truth in the hope that he could find a solution. She’d been on her own for so long, he doubted she could even imagine someone might be able to help. Yet his mind was racing. Turning the problem over, looking for a different angle…

“Paige,” he said slowly. “What if Archie can’t control his shifting?”

She stiffened a little. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been watching Archie for a while now. Even if he doesn’t realize exactly why you’re so worried about his shifting, he does know it upsets you. And he cares about you as much as you do him. I think that if he could control his shifting, he would.”

She drew away, her thigh no longer brushing his. “If you’re trying to convince me that the situation is hopeless so we might as well do what we want?—”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all. But maybe this isn’t something Archie can manage on his own. Maybe it’s time to consider other options.” Shit, she wasn’t going to like this. “Such as medication.”

Paige recoiled as if he’d suggested throwing Archie in a cage. “I’m not drugging my brother!”

He’d expected that reaction, given her mother’s less-than-successful history with doctors. “I don’t mean something that would stop him from shifting entirely. Just something to help him focus and control his impulses.”

“Absolutely not.” She’d moved far enough away that he could no longer feel the warmth of her body. “Anyway, even if some pill could magically suppress his bear, that’s not a solution. He has to learn to control himself, not rely on some artificial chemical for the rest of his life.”

Her words cut like a knife across his throat. He’d known he’d have to tell her, eventually. But he’d thought he could pick the right moment. He didn’t want to expose his weaknesses now, when the future was still so uncertain. True, she’d admitted she had feelings for him, but they were for the man she’d seen. Someone who…

…Tried, and more often than not failed, and occasionally fell flat on his face in mud.

Maybe she’d already seen more of him than he’d intended to reveal.

He drew in a deep breath, feeling his animal’s silent support. If he was going to convince her to listen, he had to tell her the truth. The whole truth. Even the parts that he’d spent his entire adult life trying to hide.

“Wait here,” he said. “I need to get something.”

Before Paige could open her mouth, he was halfway to the office. By the time he returned, she’d just started to turn her head, expression slowly drifting toward complete confusion.

He slowed, dropping back to normal speed. “Do you know the difference between Archie and myself?”

When Paige spoke, she sounded understandably baffled. “Apart from…literally everything?”

“No.” Steeling himself, he opened his hand, showing her what he’d taken from his private locked cabinet. “This.”

Paige looked at the bottle of pills, then at him. “What’s this?”

“My self-control.” He hadn’t prepared for this, had no idea how she was going to react…but she needed to know. “I have ADHD. Severely.”

From the way her jaw dropped, he might as well have confessed to having a third arm. “You’re kidding.”

“I was diagnosed around Archie’s age.” He tucked his medication into a pocket. “Believe me, it was not hard to miss.”

“But you’re—you!” Paige flapped her hands at him, indicating his general Conleth-ness. “You make plans! And spreadsheets!”

“Yes,” he said dryly. “Because I have ADHD. I’ve learned that I have to be ruthlessly organized in every aspect of my life. If I’m not, everything goes to hell.”

Her mouth was still round with surprise, but her gaze turned more thoughtful. “I’d noticed that you fidget. When you’re thinking, or otherwise preoccupied.”

Conleth, stop fidgeting! It had been decades since an exasperated teacher had last barked those words at him, but he still felt an old, faded pang of shame.

“To be more accurate, I fidget when I’m not spending effort to make sure I don’t. My brain gets bored too easily, so it’s always searching for more stimulation.” Glancing down, he discovered he was tapping his fingers against his leg. He flattened his hand over his knee, grimacing. “Even when I’m medicated, it’s hard for me to sit still.”

Paige reached out, putting her hand on top of his. Not pinning it down, or holding his fingers still. Just being there.

“You don’t have to stop yourself from fidgeting,” she said softly. “Not around me.”

“I do around everyone else, though.” He let out his breath. “I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to distance myself from the impulsive, hyperactive kid I used to be. I’d rather have a reputation as a control freak than a chaotic disaster. And I am a disaster when I’m not medicated.”

Her fingers pressed against his. “I can’t believe that.”

“You’ve never seen me at my worst.” He waved his free hand, trying to find the right words to make her understand. “A thousand thoughts whirl through my mind at any given moment, each one flagged top priority and demanding immediate action. As soon as I lose interest in something, I can’t force myself to do it. And when an idea does grab my attention, it’s incredibly hard to not do it. It’s like living with a hurricane in my head.”

“You think it’s like that for Archie, too?”

“I’m not a doctor. But I see a lot of parallels between Archie’s behavior and my own at that age. Enough to make me think you should take him for a professional evaluation.”

“A couple of years ago, one of his teachers suggested the same thing,” Paige admitted. “My mom got defensive, saying he was a perfectly normal boy and there was nothing wrong with him. Then Archie shifted for the first time, and…well, that seemed to explain everything.”

“I can see why you would have thought that. But maybe his problem isn’t that he can’t control his animal. Maybe he can’t control himself. Literally can’t. No matter how much he wants to, or how hard he tries. Like me.”

Paige was quiet for a moment. “And medication was the only thing that worked for you?”

He nodded. “When I was a kid, adults were always telling me to think before I acted, but I couldn’t figure out how that was even possible. Until I was diagnosed, and started taking medication. And suddenly I was able to think clearly, and prioritize, and plan. I don’t like to admit that I need medication to function effectively. But I do.”

“And maybe Archie does as well,” Paige breathed, new hope in her eyes. Then a shadow crossed her expression. “But if that’s the case, it’s going to take time to get help for him.”

“I know.” He slid his hand out from under hers. “So it doesn’t change anything right now.”

Paige looked down at her hand, now resting on his knee. “It’s not that I don’t want for things to change. It’s just…you know how Archie still feels about you. And I can’t make things harder for my mom. Not when her mental health is so fragile.”

“I understand. Family comes first.” A strand of her hair had come loose from her ponytail. He tucked it back behind her ear, not letting his fingertips linger on her face. “Whatever you need, however I can help, I will.”

Paige sighed, pulling her hand away. “For now, can we just go on like we were? Act like nothing’s happened? If Archie figures out things have changed between us, there’s no telling what he might do.”

She’d had to be strong for so long. He wanted to hold her close; promise her he would take care of her, and her brother, and her mom. That everything would be all right.

He locked his hands together, muscles knotting with the effort of not reaching for her. “Don’t worry. Archie won’t suspect a thing.”