Chapter 15

Ipranced around my room, light as a feather and just a little bit smug from this morning’s outcome. It had taken Xylan and I all of twenty minutes to convert Mer to the correct team in the Woodsverse. I’ve got to give it to him, he can be very persuasive when he needs to be, and he unashamedly used every tool in his arsenal (including his devastatingly good looks) to achieve the desired result. Watching Mer crumble under his stare was brilliant, and it was very comforting to know I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t get a grip in his presence. Who knew a stunning man and a riveting debate would cure my hatred of mornings?

True to his word, Eliasson had had coffee and a ridiculous amount of scones delivered to my rooms while I was getting ready for breakfast. Could this day get any better?

‘You don’t play fair!’ Mer whined as she fixed my hair into a ponytail, her grip a little tighter than usual. ‘You brought a gorgeous king in front of my eyes – first thing in the morning while my defences were down, might I add – to do your dirty work? You just couldn’t deal with the fact my stance on the matter wasn’t wavering.’ She shook her head with a mixture of disgust and awe as she pulled my hair impossibly tight.

‘Ow! Cheap shot, Mer!’ I complained, whacking her hands away from me as I whipped a scone full of cream straight into her face. Her stunned expression set off my laughter, tears streaming down my face. ‘You should,’ heavy breath, ‘see you – your,’ heavy breath, ‘face,’ I got out before succumbing to another round of hysterics.

‘You’re such a bitch.’ She scooped the cream off her face, licking her fingers and laughing, finding the humour in the situation.

‘And you’re just jealous that when it comes to Runaile, you hadn’t seen the light. It’s okay. You can’t always be right,’ I smirked, shrugging condescendingly.

‘I’m not going to entertain that with further comment. But what I do want to talk about is the babe that was with you this morning. Oof,’ she said, fanning her face as if we were in the middle of the Hudrielle Desert at midday.

‘Not too shabby, right?’ I threw her a grin, turning back to the mirror so she could finish off my hair.

‘Oh, my Goddess, not too shabby?’ she sputtered. ‘Did you see his jawline? His ass? His everything? I think he has the hots for you. How you’re going to say no to that … all I can say is good luck to you, dear friend. It should be illegal to be that hot. I love Fyrel, but a girl would be hard pressed to turn down an offer of that calibre –’

‘Wait. Back it up. You love Fyrel?’ I said in disbelief.

‘Oh. I – uh –’ She scrambled for words as her cheeks flushed pink. Suddenly, all she could focus on were the walls around us, determinedly avoiding eye contact. I should’ve seen this coming. I’d lost count the number of times I’d found them giggling in all sorts of compromising positions throughout the palace, and Fyrel giggling was up there with the weirdest, most unnatural sounds I’d ever heard. As much as I enjoyed acquiring new ammunition against him, I decided I wouldn’t use this one.

I waited for Mer to gather her thoughts, knowing from her past relationships – if we could even call them that – how big of a step this was for her.

‘He confessed to me last night after a couple of drinks and I … I said it back without thinking. It felt natural. I know that it wasn’t supposed to happen and believe me you don’t have to reprimand me. I know how messy this is and I know it’s not a good idea given everything that’s happened already and … what is to come. Bu – But I can’t help how I feel. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants. Surely you know this as well as anyone else –’

I lifted my hand to cut off her rambling and reached behind to place it over her hand that held my hair. She was spiralling, but I said, ‘I’m happy for you, Mer.’ And I was. She deserved this piece of happiness. Even if it was Fyrel.

‘It’s nice to know I’m capable of feeling this. Let’s be honest, my track record isn’t great. But with him … it just works.’ She shrugged, perplexed as to how this had happened. ‘For now, at least,’ she added, soberly.

‘We’ll deal with that when the time comes. But for now? Enjoy it. Life is for making memories, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so there’s no space for ‘what ifs’. We could all die tomorrow. It’s important that we can look back on our life and know that we did the things that made our souls happy, that we truly lived. And spare me the lecture on how I should follow my own wise words. I’m working on it, okay?’ I defensively added.

‘I’ll spare you just this once. Only because I love you, my favourite hypocrite,’ she grinned. ‘Speaking of ‘what ifs’, how’s it going with your lover boy?’

I let out an annoyed groan. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

‘That bad?’

‘I much prefer talking about your thriving love life,’ I replied, trying for a joke that Mer saw right through. She threw me a look that screamed ‘start talking, or I’ll pull your hair harder’.

I sighed, knowing there was no point trying to distract Meredith when she was hunting for information. She was like a dog with a bone when she wanted something.

‘He brought me half-dead yellow flowers. And he hasn’t made me come since I’ve been married. And Eliasson can. What does that say to you?’ I shook my head, watching her mouth ‘oh’, understanding written over her face.

I continued without waiting for her reply. ‘He keeps saying everything is my fault. That I’ve put us in this position. The further apart we drift, the more controlling he becomes. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but he’s not the man I fell in love with. I’m going to be a sole ruler soon and won’t be able to just make us public knowledge. How’s he going to take that? Am I going to be punished for the rest of my life for things that are out of my control? I’m trying to do my best, but he makes me feel like anything I do is never good enough. Nothing is ever his fault. Apparently, he’s perfect. It’s just me. I’m the problem.’

Now who was the one rambling?

A contemplative look fell across Meredith’s face. She scratched her chin, a clear sign she was trying to work out how to deliver undesirable news diplomatically.

‘What?’ I asked, but she hesitated, clearly uncomfortable. ‘I’m a big girl. Just say it.’

‘I don’t think he’s good for you,’ she forced out, taking a deep breath to steady herself. ‘Once upon a time I thought he was perfect for you. He courted you, kept coming back despite your numerous rejections and worked on establishing a friendship with you before you … well, ended up where you’ve ended up. No doubt he’s different now. For a while I thought maybe things had just changed because of our circumstances but looking back on it, Valare, I don’t think he was ever a good guy.’

‘Oh?’ My gut churned, nausea sweeping over me.

‘Think about it. How many times did you reject him? Ten, fifteen, twenty times? Shouldn’t that have been a red flag, that he couldn’t take no for an answer? And even more than that, every time you rejected him, his efforts became increasingly more calculated and forced. I know at the time we were teens reading romance novel after romance novel, thinking big macho males with domineering tendencies were hot. That it was someone we should look for in our lives, but are they really who we should be looking for? It’s toxic when you think about it. And because of those novels, we swooned when he chased you. Revelled in it, even. We thought it was what true love looked like, when in actual fact we should’ve called Varqel to put him in his place.’

‘Huh,’ I mused, absentmindedly rubbing my Royal Mark. That’s a lot to work through. I had been fixating on the changes in our relationship over the course of the last year trying to work out when it had started to go downhill. But I hadn’t stopped to think about what it was like prior. Were these patterns there before I married Eliasson? With my rose-coloured glasses, had I overlooked this? Mer’s words were making so many things take on a different meaning.

‘Don’t get me wrong, he puts on a good show laughing with us and being openly affectionate, all things we’ve come to appreciate about him. But there’s something … off. I don’t trust his intentions anymore. Not with you, not with us, not with what we’re doing here. You need to keep your wits about you and play this strategically because my gut is screaming he’s a ticking time bomb.’

The more I thought back on my encounters with him, the more I found myself agreeing with her. And that was scary. It meant I had to do something about it, and I simply didn’t have the heart or the space to process the situation at this stage.

‘I hear what you’re saying,’ I started. ‘I think I’ve had these thoughts, more or less. But, let’s just keep an eye on his movements. It’s not at the top of my priority list to end things with him. Not now, at least. There’s too much riding on the next two weeks to shake the boat more than necessary,’ I explained, hoping I could work up the courage to confront him after the Forum was over.

‘Oh good,’ Mer breathed visibly relaxing. ‘I’m glad you’re seeing it for what it is, Val. And I’m sorry. It sucks and … I’m just sorry it’s like this. But you deserve the type of love and loyalty you give to come back to you tenfold. And that guy? He’s not what you need. If we’re being honest – and I loathe admitting this – he’s like Nalu. Nobody’s got time for that bullshit.’

‘No. Nobody has time for that,’ I agreed.

I had no desire to linger on this topic of conversation longer than necessary, so I decided to circle back to Mer’s previous comment in a not super subtle topic change. ‘So, you think Xylan has the hots for me?’

‘Oh, totally. He looks at you how I envision Runaile looks at Louisah. And those looks? Those are the ones to chase.’ She sighed dreamily.

‘Should we not be concerned he is openly ogling a woman married to another royal? I know my situation in all of this and what my relationship status will be. But he doesn’t. It’d be damn bold of him if he were to make a play at me under Eliasson’s nose.’

Mer remained silent, contemplating my words. ‘Firstly, I can’t blame the guy for being attracted to you, and he wouldn’t be the first nor the last person I’ve seen sneak glances at you behind Eliasson’s back. Secondly, he doesn’t strike me as the person to care for what is and isn’t appropriate. I think King Xylan takes what he wants. And you, dear Valare? He wants you bad.’