Hunter

HUNTER

For the first time in months, I felt the rush of enjoying every minute that ticked by. It was definitely because I was surrounded by a sea of bodies as they fought to find places to stand around, talk, laugh, and joke over the music as they raised their glasses. The music was loud, pulsing so hard I could feel it in my limbs and in my chest when I got close to the speakers.

As a teenager, I dreamed of going to places like this. It had seemed like a wonderful place to lose yourself in the crowd, tossing back drinks and joining the writhing of the dancing crowd. Kai had always said it was probably the closest he had to a worst nightmare, but I'm sure his time in the military changed that considerably.

The thought was enough to pull me out of the pleasant haze the music and dancing had locked me into as I twisted and turned. I had allowed myself to melt into the crowd to see if I could do it, and to my relief, I had. Of course, I knew full well the only reason I had been able to do so was because not only was Kai watching over my drink, but I knew he was close, keeping an eye on me. Not because I'd asked him to, no, because he would just do it.

Sure enough, I found him standing near one of the tables at the edge of the dance pit. Our drinks were in front of him, covered in napkins, as he stared at the dance floor. My heart lurched as I watched him watching me. Part of me wished he was watching me because he loved seeing me dance and how my body moved. The rest of me, however, shoved the thought aside and refused to entertain it.

For all his huffing and puffing over it, the clothes shopping had been a success. I had gone for something simple that would work brilliantly. It was nice that the fashion from when we were younger had come back around, which meant I didn't have to do anything too fancy with his outfit. A soft pink button-up with darker pink stripes that looked amazing on his tanned skin, the sleeves rolled up by me personally. He'd drawn the line at the high-rise slacks and shoes I'd wanted to get him but had begrudgingly accepted the torn dark jeans I'd spotted so long as I let him wear the short boots he was comfortable in.

His outfit was simple, nothing compared to the bright neon colors that would have made eighties movies green with envy. My top was neon pink, and the shorts were light blue and glowed in the black light. I'd thrown on colorful bracelets that clicked together as they glowed in the low light, and I'd put on an old pair of bright green slatted sunglasses. And even with all that silly peacocking on my part, he still outshone me.

He grinned when he caught my eye, and I knew my moment on the dance floor was over. I could blame the drinks, and they certainly didn't help, but the sight of him grinning made me realize I didn't have much willpower. Maybe in some bizarre, twisted way, being with Lucas enabled me to resist the power Kai had always had over me, and now he was gone?—

"Hey," I shouted once I'd mounted the steps and reached the table where he stood. I wasn't surprised to see people giving him space, he was pretty big, and if you didn't know him well, you'd think he was mean-looking. I also noticed I wasn't the only guy in here aware of how frigging hot Kai was looking tonight if all the open staring was an indication. "How many?"

He smirked, sliding my glass toward me. "Four."

"Really?" I asked, more than a little surprised. "That's less than I thought."

"There were more I could see were going to try, but they gave up at some point," he said with a shrug. "You want 'em?"

I looked down at the two napkins and two receipts with numbers jotted on them and shook my head. "No, I think I'm good, thanks."

He watched me for a moment and snorted. "True. You could pull enough on your own."

"Stop!" I said with a laugh. It wasn't like I thought I was ugly or unattractive. That was the one thing my parents hadn't managed to make me worry about. It certainly hadn't hurt that I'd been a twink in my younger years. But now, at the ripe old age of thirty-two, I was too old for any of that. But the recent bulk made up for the fact that my looks had matured. The problem was that I already had questionable thoughts about him.

He shrugged. "It's true. I might be getting hit on, but you've been getting stared at too. The only reason they're coming up to me is because they can actually catch me. You keep darting all over the place."

That made me laugh. "Alright, you've got me there. Maybe I'm just having a good time."

He bent down so he didn't have to shout, which gave us all the privacy you could get in a packed club. "Look, if you're having a good time running around, talking to random people, dancing like an idiot, then you be a happy idiot, alright? If you want to get hit on, then go get hit on. If you wanna go get laid, then do that, I'll be here."

"Now, why would I want to do that here?" I asked before the not-drinking part of my brain could point out that was an idiotic question.

Sure enough, Kai's brow rose. "Remember the first time you dragged me to a club to have a good time?"

I knew my face was turning red as it warmed. "I…maybe?"

"And how we knew you were having a good time."

"Kai."

"In the bathroom stall. With some muscle-bound guy who looked like he was force-fed steroids? That was when I found out you liked them big."

The guy had been big in other ways too…which is how I'd always pictured Kai. Not that I was living in fantasy land over that. I had seen the man in loose shorts and no underwear several times, and there was no mistaking the distinct outline. I'd also seen him naked once after we'd gone to a gym and got into the sauna. The towel had slipped off when he'd stood up, and even soft, it had been an eye full, which had also meant I'd had to make myself scarce before the evidence of my reaction was evident.

So yeah, I did remember the man who reminded me of the best friend I desperately wanted to sleep with. I also distinctly remembered said best friend coming to find me because I'd been gone for too long, and he'd been worried. I had stumbled out of the stall we'd been occupying, ignoring the knowing glances from others and feeling like my heart was going to drop to my feet when I saw a bemused Kai standing by the sinks. Then, the moment I saw him understand what he'd just walked into, I sincerely wished it was possible to disappear from existence.

"That was a long time ago!" I said, swatting him. "Stop bringing it up!"

"That's the second time I've brought it up," he laughed, making me swing at him again. Not that me swatting his arm was going to do a damn thing anyway, the man was a living golem. "Look, just have fun the way you want."

"And you'll be down for it?" I asked him carefully.

He frowned at me. "Absolutely. I want to see you have a good time tonight."

I thought about it for a moment and then grinned. "Alright then. I have just the idea."

"What's that?"

"Come dance with me."

"What?"

I laughed at the shocked expression on his face. "C'mon. I've never seen you dance, and you've never danced with me before."

"Because me dancing looks like someone tried to stuff a scarecrow with rocks and made it wiggle," he said, his nose wrinkling.

Now, there was a compelling image. "So what? Do you see some of the people out there? Frog in a blender. Guy who looks like he's having a seizure. And I dance like one of those blow-up things you used to see outside car lots. Nobody but the most snotty, arrogant jerks who won't dance will give a shit how anyone dances. So come on, give it a try."

I could see he was struggling with what I was asking, but I stood there, waiting to see what he would do. I had said my piece, which was more than I would have said any other time. Who the hell knew if it was because I was in a great mood, the cocktails were finally catching up with me, or maybe losing so much had made me a little bolder about trying to get something I wanted?

When he groaned, I knew what was going to come out of his mouth. "Fine, we're both going to regret this, but fine. Let's finish our drinks. I don't want to take those with us."

I tried to be subtle with my joy over his agreement, but I doubted I was anything but one step away from jumping for joy in his eyes. He took one look at me and rolled his eyes as he drained the bright yellow drink I'd ordered for him, which he said tasted like fermented lemonade, and I downed the rest of my mojito.

To his credit and entirely on brand for Kai, despite not looking forward to it, he wasn't dragging his heels as he followed me. If anything, I could see him looking more and more unsure as we reached the stairs and descended onto the dance floor. I grabbed his wrist and gently pulled him behind me, careful not to lose him.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do," he finally admitted when I came to a stop and turned to face him.

I smiled up at him. "You've seriously never danced? Not even when you got drunk on base and got stupid with your buddies?"

"No," he said, bending close so I could hear him better. "I don't dance. Don't know how."

"It's easy," I said with a grin, beginning to move my body. "Just go with whatever your body wants."

"It wants to get the fuck off this dance floor," he said but continued to stand there all the same.

After a moment, he began to move with me, not copying my movements but taking inspiration from them. I grinned. Yes, it was awkward and not that impressive, but the attempt mattered the most to me. Seeing him swaying, trying to get into a rhythm to make me happy was enough to lift my spirits even higher.

Between that and the alcohol, I was feeling bold. I moved closer, reaching out to set my hands on his sides and continue dancing. His movements stopped as he looked at me in surprise but didn't pull away or push my hands off him. Feeling even bolder, I moved closer and watched his brow creep up his forehead as our bodies were almost pressed together.

It was my turn to be surprised when he reached out and put his hands on my hips, pulling me that last inch closer. The change in the air was immediately noticeable, and I looped my arms around his back to hold him. He continued trying to dance, his eyes burrowing into my skull with an intensity I had never seen on his face before.

Suddenly, it no longer felt silly or playful as he watched me. I could feel shivers running up and down my spine as he held me, fingers finding their way under my shirt. I could feel the hardness of his body as he held me close and the heavy thumping of my heart. Sweat broke out on me, though it wasn't because of the heat of the dance floor or my dancing.

We had never done anything like this before, and all those years of silently wanting to touch and be close to him were suddenly a reality. I was torn between wanting to pull away and getting closer. Kai had never been afraid to touch or be close to me, but he hadn't been what I'd call physically affectionate. Our touches were always brief, like hugs or a hand on the shoulder.

Now I was so close I could feel his breath on my face. Excitement mingled with nervousness, but I didn't dare draw away. I could feel myself getting hard, and some part of me wondered if I was feeling him getting hard or if it was just my imagination and hope. I didn't dare do anything to check, and I didn't dare pull away. I was stuck in an endless loop of dancing.

Then his face drew nearer, and I thought my heart might trip over itself and stop when I realized what was happening. Suddenly, everything I thought I knew about him, about us, was thrown out the window. Two voices screamed in my head, one to immediately run before everything changed irrevocably, and the other screamed to lean in closer, to have this moment.

Ultimately, the decision was made for me when he pulled me into the kiss at the last second. A wave of heat passed through me as I stood there, no longer dancing and realizing what was happening. All those years of dreaming, pining, and hoping were being realized, and I found I couldn't move a muscle.

For one moment, all that existed in my world was the two of us. The feel of his fingers squeezing into my skin as he held me, the press of his lips, and the firmness of his body against mine. I had pictured this moment so many times, but never once had I thought it would happen in the middle of a dance floor, and on the best day I'd had in over two years.

Which was all it took to break the illusion. My head was no longer filled with the rush of a first kiss and the realization of a dream but instead with the thoughts of the lover I had watched die. My chest ached, and I felt my stomach twist into painful knots. Lucas was long gone, but two years did not feel like enough time. This kiss, as wonderful and unexpected as it had been, felt like a betrayal of the memory of a man who had loved me so warmly, so brightly.

"I'm sorry," I said as I pulled away, knowing he couldn't hear me but hoping he would understand from the movement of my lips. I could only shake my head as I backed away to be quickly reminded that I was surrounded by people dancing and writhing, unaware and uncaring about what was happening around them.

"," Kai called, reaching toward me and stopping when I backed up, shaking my head again.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. I hated the look on his face. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed, upset, or worried about me. He hadn't done anything wrong, but the guilt on his face hurt me almost as much as the memory of Lucas.

The club, which had been a source of liberation and happiness for me, was now too cramped, too loud, and too chaotic. Suddenly, the last thing I wanted was to stay on the dance floor and in the club. The air was hot and oppressive, and the smell of sweat and alcohol was choking me. All I could manage was to shake my head, point to myself, and then toward the entrance to tell him I needed fresh air.

Kai made to take another step toward me but stopped when I backed up again, giving him a grimace of apology as I did so. I knew he just wanted to help, but there was nothing he could do for me. There was nothing either of us could do, so I just turned and walked away, wincing every time someone bumped into me.

My vision narrowed to a point as I stumbled through the crowd. I didn't know how long it took, but at some point, I found myself outside. The crowd had thinned on the streets since we'd arrived at the club. It seemed like most people were either still having the time of their lives or had headed somewhere else.

A wave of loneliness welled inside me and threatened to drown me as I stood on the sidewalk, watching a few people as they went about their night. It seemed that I couldn't even manage to have a good night without the darkness that had infected my life two years ago finding its way back to me. I felt listless as I wandered down the sidewalk, unaware of what was happening around me. Kai texted me to ask where I was, and all I could do was tell him I was getting fresh air and would meet him back at my place later.

I walked for several minutes before I realized where I was. I had purposefully chosen the club Kai and I had gone to because I wanted to avoid the area where Lucas and I had been attacked. Yet, without thinking, I had wandered onto that street and felt a shiver go down my spine. It was a stupid thing to do, but I found myself walking to the alley where I had dragged myself out of the abandoned building in an effort to save my life.

Kai would have been furious if he knew I'd come here alone in the dark. I wondered if he would be frustrated that I was here, poking at a wound that sometimes felt old and sometimes felt fresh. Or maybe he would just be angry because of the risk.

But maybe I deserved to have the reminder, to stand there in the long shadows and remember. To remember how I had failed to save the man I loved, to spare myself the horror that had been done to me. My eyes drifted to the ground where I'd dragged myself, bleeding heavily and trying so hard to get help. I'd wanted someone to help, to save me, to save Lucas even though he was beyond saving by then. Had I known he was gone and just denied it? Maybe I was too far gone to know up from down, let alone know my boyfriend was dead.

A soft scuffle behind me sent my heart leaping into my throat. With a choked sound, I turned around to find someone standing at the mouth of the alleyway. The light was behind him, and I couldn't see his face, but his hands were shoved into his pockets, and he was hunched forward.

"What're you skulkin' around here for?" the man asked, and it was like getting slapped with an icy hand.

I knew that voice.

"If you're lookin' for a bit of fun, then you're in the right place," he said with a chuckle. "Course, I hope you got the money for it and ain't lookin' to waste anyone's time…especially mine."

"You," I croaked out, taking a shaky step backward. It was the trio's dealer buddy, the one they'd met up with and convinced Lucas and me to follow them. The whole thing had happened because I'd trusted them and stupidly let myself fall for their lies, even when they'd led us down the dark alley to the building where this guy supposedly kept his stash.

And now he was here again.

"What? Someone tell you about me?" he asked as he stepped closer, forcing me to take another step away. "Damn, what'd they tell you? I don't bite…hard."

"Yes, you do," I heard myself say, my voice sounding distant, weak and thready. "You really do."

"Do I now?" he asked, sounding amused and getting closer. Just like that night over two years ago, I realized there was no way out of the alley other than the mouth he was guarding. I was trapped here by him. "Wait a minute…you look familiar."

My heart thundered in my chest as my lungs struggled to find oxygen. I didn't know how I felt at first, he didn't seem to recognize me, but the fear spiked the moment I realized he might remember me if I stood there for too long. Yet all I could do was stand and stare at him in horror as he approached.

He stepped under the faint light from the sign above me, and something inside me tried to curl up and hide when his face was illuminated. It was the same face. An odd mixture of handsome and ugly that had struck me the first time I'd seen him. The same crossed scar high on his cheek, the same hard eyes that held more malice and cunning than anyone I'd ever seen.

My terror mounted when his eyes widened, and he laughed harshly. "Well, I'll be God damned. Of all the people to run into, I wasn't expectin' you."

"Leave me alone," I said quietly as I backed up, hitting the wall behind me. Panic was a desperate animal clawing inside my chest, trapped there with the cry that had been building. There was no way past him without getting close, and as I'd learned that horrible night, the chances of someone walking past and actually helping were next to zero.

His fat lips curled into an ugly grin. "What, you felt like comin' back and enjoyin' the memories? Gotta be honest, I wasn't expectin' either of you boys to make it. We gutted you pretty good, but here you are."

"Go to hell," I said, feeling dizzy as I tried to think of something I could do. He was advancing slowly, and all I could focus on was the hard glint in his eyes.

"See, that's where you come in again," he said with a chuckle, hands at his waist. "See, your fuck buddies might've got off without much trouble, but me? Well, you caused me a whole heap of grief."

"Me?" I asked, eyes going wide.

"You," he said, and before I could see the danger, he darted forward. His hand found my throat and slammed my head against the wall, shooting stars and colors across my vision. "You just had to go and live, then start shootin' your mouth off, didn't ya? You know how much hell those pigs gave me afterward? Guess it's a good thing Coop and his two idiots were willin' to do me a solid eventually, but ooh boy, you hurt my pockets."

It was like being in a nightmare where, no matter how much I pushed, I couldn't find the strength to fend him off. His grip was like cold iron on my throat, and his body was pressed firmly against me. It had been stupid to come here alone, and now I was trapped in a stinking alley with one of my worst nightmares.

"So I'm thinkin', maybe I should pay you back for the trouble you gave me," he said with an ugly sneer. My eyes widened when a flash of silver crossed my vision, and I stared at the awful knife he'd pulled from behind him. "Oh yeah, you remember this, right? I'm tryin' to remember, was it me who gutted your boyfriend with it first, or was it Coop?"

I knew the answer, of course, but all I could do was stare at the knife in horror. The last time I had seen that blade, it had been sliding out of my guts, stained with both mine and Lucas's blood. That was after they'd all taken turns beating us, and I'd been forced to watch as the blond fucker in charge of the merry group of assholes had shoved the knife between Lucas's ribs.

"Why don't we," he said slowly, and I winced as I felt the tip of the blade shove into my skin, "see if I can't pay you back in full…and some interest while we're at it. Let's see if you can survive again…I bet you won't."

Terror gave way to despair, and even as I felt the blade sliding into my skin again, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe this was what should have happened all along. After all, I'd spent two years trying desperately to put my life together, even when getting out of bed was the hardest thing I had to do that day. I had tried to get through without breaking down in tears or shaking like a leaf whenever I heard a man laugh just the right way.

And what had it all been for? So I could return to the scene of my worst horror and be found by one of the four monsters who still haunted my nightmares? What was the point of all the exercises and classes to help me feel in control and less likely to be a victim? Only to turn around and make myself the victim all over again.

"Ahh," I groaned as the knife slid in an inch.

Really? I heard Lucas's words in my head. After all that, all the hard work, you're going to…what? Give up? You were so worried about insulting me by kissing Kai, yet you're going to let this asshole kill you without so much as a fight? That's the real insult to my memory if you ask me.

I could see him saying it, shaking his head as he wondered where the hell the man he'd fallen in love with had gone. That man was long gone in so many ways, replaced by someone haunted by the past in ways I never thought possible. It was the same person Kai had treasured for years and tried to take care of…and wasn't I letting him down too?

It hadn't been my fault, even if I had been too trusting, too slow to react to the danger. I hadn't deserved what had been done to me, and I didn't deserve to watch Lucas's life slip away like I had. All I'd wanted for the past couple of years was to try to get back on track, try to have a life again, and now this man had come slinking out of the shadows to take all that hard-fought progress, that tear-soaked success, and slice it out of me one inch at a time.

The despair filling me broke open, and I found a fiery core of absolute fury. And not just anger, but downright indignation. How fucking dare this motherfucker come along and decide he was going to add to the misery he and his friends had already caused? Oh, his business had taken a hit? All the while, his buddies had gotten off without so much as a slap on the wrist because they came from good families.

And what had I got? A whole host of problems and neuroses. A life shattered into a million pieces, some of which I would never get back or find a place for again. I'd lost just about everything, and now this bastard was going to try to take what little I'd kept. He'd probably contact his friends and tell them how he had taken care of their little problem and that the mess was officially cleaned up.

Like hell !

In my rage, I found the answer to my weakness before had been terror. That fear was gone, however, and I slammed my head forward, driving it into his thick nose. As the fury wrapped itself around my thoughts, I found grim, ugly satisfaction in the sound of his nose shattering and the grunt of pain as he stumbled back.

I barely noticed the pain that flared in my side as he ripped the knife out so he could cling to his face. What I did notice, though, was the bottle beside me. I wrapped my hands around the neck, absurdly realizing it was the exact brand of cheap vodka I had drunk at frat parties. Not that it mattered one way or another because, like the innocence and happiness I'd had once upon a time, the bottle shattered as I drove it into the side of his face.

"Mother fucker ," he hissed, clutching the side of his head and swinging the knife wildly at me. I hadn't just cut the side of his face. There were glass fragments in his cheeks and sprinkled in his beard.

"What's the matter? Not so tough when you haven't got your buddies with you?" I snarled, feeling the hate inside me twist and squirm.

"I don't need them to deal with you, you cheap little shit," he grunted and leaped at me. Anger had cleared my head, and I saw him attacking from a mile off. I grabbed his arm as he missed his first thrust and flung him behind me into the wall. Again, I heard a harsh crack as his head slammed into the bricks, leaving a red smear as he slid to the ground.

I advanced on him as he crumpled, his eyes open still but dazed. My eyes fell on the combat knife he'd used on who knew how many people. The same knife he and his buddies had used to carve me up and take Lucas's life.

"Like it meant nothing," I snarled. "Like we meant nothing."

"Nothing," he repeated, and I didn't know if he was agreeing with me or if his addled thoughts had landed on that one word and decided to repeat it. Honestly, I didn't care about the reason or the motivation. It was just confirmation of precisely what I'd just said, and all I could see was Lucas's beautiful face, marred with bruises and smeared with blood, as he reached out toward me. His last act on this earth was to comfort me and try to save me.

With a snarl I never knew I was capable of, I flung myself at him. That disgusting, evil blade was in my hand, and I gripped it tightly as I knelt over him. I watched as it slid forward into his guts and saw the way his eyes went wide. I stopped for a moment, surprised at how easily the blade slid into him. I had almost forgotten how easy it was to drive a blade into someone's gut, it was virtually identical to what I had thought when the shoe was on the other foot, and he had been the one stabbing me.

"Are we still nothing, you miserable piece of shit?" I hissed, seeing the fear in his eyes eclipsing even the pain.

"Please," he said, his lip trembling as his eyes darted between the blade and my face. "Please, don't."

Hearing him plead for his life while he and his buddies had laughed like demons when I had done the same, shattered the restraint that had been hanging by the barest thread. It was the final key to breaking open the gate of hatred inside me that I'd been nursing and restraining. Not just for the past couple of years but my entire life. I had been dealt shit hand after shit hand, and even when I clawed my way out of the shit heap, someone or something always found a way to push me back down into the muck.

Not today.

Never again.

I was finally going to be the one who came out on top, and that meant splattering the ground and his torso with his blood as I drove the knife into him over and over again. His attempts to fight me off grew weak as he slumped, a pitiful whimper escaping his lips as he lay there.

When it was over, there was an ache in my arm, as if I'd benched too much weight rather than turned this man into a living knife block. The iron-rich smell of blood mingled with something far fouler that I faintly wondered was the contents of his stomach. It was impossible to tell what I had punctured with my stabbing, but it would probably be better to guess what I hadn't managed to stab.

Blood pooled around him, his eyes staring up at the sky. Not that he would see anything, not anymore. Unless there was an afterlife, of course, and if there was, I hoped he was enjoying hell if there was even the smallest iota of justice left in the world. Otherwise, his body would lie in the alley until someone saw it, and there wasn't much chance of that, considering we were far enough back.

I stared at him and then down at my hands. The knife was still clenched in my fist, the blade and my hands smeared with thick blood that almost glittered in the light from the sign. You couldn't tell that the mess before me had once been a human. Even though I knew there was no point, I wondered how many times I'd stabbed him.

Faintly, I wondered why I felt no panic or horror at what I'd just done and what was before me. I had killed a man, stabbed him repeatedly, ignoring the signs of his life, bleeding out with his blood. Not only that, I enjoyed watching his fear grow until it was the only thing in his eyes before he finally died. I hoped he hadn't had a moment of respite from that fear. His last moments deserved to be filled with nothing but pain and terror.

But no, there was no panic, no horror, not even the slightest fear at what I'd done with only the barest hesitation. Instead, I only felt calm inside me, which I hadn't felt in over two years. I faintly wondered what it said about me, the real me under all the layers and protections I had put up, that I could kill someone so easily and find myself unbothered by it.

"Shock," I muttered, looking up at the glowing sign. It was casting enough illumination that if someone should walk past, they would be able to see the bloody disaster I had created. It was that same light that had allowed someone to see me as I crawled for help, and now it could get me in trouble.

A thick piece of pipe lay on the ground, partially covered in dirt and grit. I grabbed it, took it in both hands and swung at the sign. The crunch was barely heard over the sound of a passing truck, and when the light flickered out, I set the pipe back on the ground, leaving it there to be forgotten.

So, that left me with a corpse I had created sitting with me in the dark. Only if someone came strolling down the alley with a flashlight would they be able to make out anything. My eyes, however, were adjusting to the new gloom, and I could still see perfectly fine. I had a body, a knife, and blood all over the place.

The real question was…what was I going to do now?