24. Nick

CHAPTER 24

NICK

You mean everything to me. I love you, Nick. - Clara

Malcolm was under arrest. The sight of Wyatt dragging him into his cruiser and hauling him off to the sheriff’s station had sent a huge surge of relief through me.

Sasha and Ethan were safe at home with Morgan. She was upset about the breakup, but okay. She’d been after family connections, not love. And thankfully, as such, she hadn’t encouraged the kids to become attached to him, so they would be okay too.

Clara sat on her sofa, staring blankly at her broken-in door with big eyes. I tugged a blanket around her shoulders while I set about packing a few of her things so I could take her to my place for the night.

Every ounce of adrenaline had left my body and I wanted nothing more than to collapse right next to her, but I couldn’t. Not yet.

She needed me. I stood above her, glass of water in hand. “Drink this. I’m going to take care of you, and you’re going to let me.”

“Okay.” Her voice broke slightly. “Did that really happen?”

“Yes, and we’re going to my place. Everett is on his way to fix your door.”

“I’m sorry this happened. It’s because I keep secrets. I’m not honest⁠—"

Hearing this incredible woman talk badly about herself made my heart sad. “You’ve been very honest this entire time, baby. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“But Nick, I didn’t tell you about Malcolm. I didn’t tell you what I did⁠—”

“Stripping?” She nodded, her eyes downcast. “Were you okay? Were you forced?”

Surprised eyes landed on mine. “No, it was fine. It was even fun most of the time. It was burlesque, lots of dancing. It was safe. It was a good place, nice people⁠—”

“That’s all I care about. You can tell me about it or keep it to yourself—that information is yours and you decide what to do with it. You did what you had to do, Clara, and I would never judge you, not for anything.”

The relief on her face almost broke my heart. I would love this woman, always, no matter what. She beamed at me. “I love you so much, Nick.”

“I love you too. Always. Don’t ever doubt it.”

“I’m ready to listen now, Nick. Let’s get everything out in the open. Tell me why you didn’t try to find me. Tell me everything I haven’t let you say. Tell me you’re sorry. Tell me you missed me.” Her tone turned pleading, her love and past hurt blending together with her desire to move forward together. “Tell me you were empty without me all these years and make me believe it, Nick. Please . . .”

“You sure you want to do this now?”

“It’s the only thing left between us, and I’m ready to have it gone.”

I kissed the top of her head and sat next to her. “I think if I loved you less, I might have been able to find you sooner and make things right between us, but you were everything to me.” I grabbed her hands in mine. “Losing you burned a hole straight through my heart, and I couldn’t face the thought of you rejecting me. I think the loss of my dad and you going off to Nashville got twisted up together and I couldn’t cope with it.”

“I believe that. I understand, because I felt that way too. And it’s not all your fault—I should have come back. I should have found you and demanded to know what changed your mind about me. I should have fought for us, but I was too afraid to lose you, even though you were already lost. I know it doesn’t make sense⁠—”

“I’ve never changed my mind about you,” I said softly. I had to tell her about Sam and my mother. “Not now, and not ever. I don’t know how I managed without you for all these years. I took one look at you in that parking lot, and I was gone again.”

“But what about the note you sent me?” she murmured.

My eyes drifted shut as I struggled to find the right words. “I didn’t write the note, Clara. My mother did, and she forced Sam to give it to you.” She was stunned. “You waited for me there, didn’t you? I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt, sitting there all alone. And I never came.”

I watched as Clara’s eyes welled with fresh tears. “I waited hours for you. Then Sam showed up with the note. I don’t know what made me do it, but I bought myself a ticket to Nashville and never looked back. I think the thought of going home to live a life in Green Valley with you not here was too much for me to handle.” Clara paused. “But it was more than that. It was my entire life. I didn’t want to go back to my mother, and I didn’t want to struggle here in Green Valley. I didn’t want the judgement.”

I nodded in understanding. We shared so many of the same feelings. “I waited for you. The next day I found Sadie to ask her if you were okay and to try and find out where you were.”

“Oh my god, what did she do to you?” she scoffed. “Once I’d checked into a hotel, she basically spent the entire night on the phone with me trying to convince me to come back home. I told her everything about us. I was a mess, Nick.”

“That explains her reaction. She yelled at me—she told me I’d done enough to you and she wouldn’t let me hurt you any further. I figured maybe you thought we’d gone too far, or you weren’t ready⁠—”

“Where were you that day? If you didn’t change your mind, why didn’t you come?”

“My mother. She pulled out photo albums of our family. She promised to make changes, told me she’d accept me being a teacher. I thought I had finally gotten through to her. But it was all a lie. She manipulated me to keep me home, to make me late. I know that now.”

“I’m so sorry, Nick.”

“In retrospect, it was such a simple thing. Hell, Clara. I thought I’d be late, we’d laugh, then we’d be free. But you were already gone when I got there. Sam showed up at my house earlier today—I’ll tell you about that later—and told me everything. But what I can’t understand is why you believed that note.” I whispered, “Why did you stay away?”

“Because I knew I’d never be good enough for your family and the note only served to prove it. It’s always been easier for me to believe the bad things people say about me. And you were like a dream, Nick. So smart, so honorable, so perfect in every way. Most of the time when we were together, I was in disbelief, waiting for you to discover what a huge mistake you were making with me.” She shrugged. “I figured that’s why you always wanted to keep me a secret.”

“I’m so sorry⁠—”

“I called your house and talked to your mom, you know. It was a few days after I’d arrived in Nashville. I was thinking about us and wondering if I should come back.” She let out a dry laugh. “She let me know very quickly that I should leave you alone. They’d moved you into an apartment near the college—you had your own place just like you wanted, exactly like we had talked about. You were taken care of and safe and waiting to start football practice. The way she spoke to me made me think she knew, and I was right.”

Learning just how much my mother had meddled in my relationship made me even angrier with her. “I wasn’t happy, not one bit. I was miserable.”

“I know that now. But it hurt, Nick. It made it feel like we’d never existed. I wasn’t going to tell you about the things she’d said. I never wanted you to know just in case you could have a relationship with her someday, like I have with my mother.” Her face grew serious, her tone hardening. “But if she used your own brother against you and lied to make you late, then she doesn’t deserve my silence. It’s one more thing she has to atone for.”

“I didn’t want her to treat you badly—that’s why I wanted to keep us a secret. I knew she wouldn’t accept us. All I wanted was to be able to tell her, my own damn mother, how I’d found the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, how happy you made me, and how you gave me peace after my dad died.” My eyes closed, emotion threatening to overcome me. “I loved you so fucking much, Clara. Please believe that. I was trying to protect you, and instead I created this insecurity in you and I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

“No, you didn’t create it. This insecurity is ingrained in me, it’s been part of me for as long as I can remember and nothing I have done has ever fully eradicated it.”

“You were always good enough. Always. My god, Clara, you were a fucking miracle in my life. I loved you then and I love you now. When I saw you again, I realized almost immediately that I’d never stopped, not for a second.” I needed her to understand. “And as for me wanting to hold off telling the kids about us—it isn’t like before. It’s not the same kind of secret. I wish I would have made you understand where I was coming from when I said it. Can you forgive me for that?”

Her answering smile broke through the emotion of the moment like the sun shining through the clouds after a storm. “Of course I forgive you. I get it now. And I love you too.” She leaned in and offered me a sweet, gentle kiss.

“We really fucked up, didn’t we?”

“We were kids struggling to get through the worst time in our lives. We were both in so much pain.”

“For years, I believed my kids were the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life. That being their dad was the only thing I managed to do right.”

Clara leaned into me, nestling herself against my body. “You know what? We have nothing to forgive each other for. Let’s forgive ourselves instead, and just be together. And if we were really honest with ourselves right now, we would realize that we would have never made it back then. How could we have?”

“You’re probably right about that. We would have collapsed under the pressure. We’re older and I’d like to think a little bit wiser. Let’s use this as a new beginning.”

“You’re right. We’re grown. And we’re free.” She laughed. “And I’m exhausted. Let’s go to your place and crawl into bed.”