Chapter 8

EIGHT

It was amazing how confidence in one area led to even more confidence in another. Early felt buoyed by the way so many things had gone right for them throughout the day. They’d finished more work down in the office than they’d thought they could do in one day, and when it came time to clock out, they’d hurried up to Rhys’s flat with a wealth of ideas for how to make it the best day of their life.

They were going to go for it. They’d decided as much halfway through the day, when the buzz of stripping for Rhys’s class stayed with them past lunch and into the afternoon. They’d snuck a peek at a few sights with advice for seducing your crush during their lunch hour, and as soon as they’d let themselves into Rhys’s flat, relieved that Rhys wasn’t there yet, they headed straight for the shower to wash. To wash everything .

Fresh out of the shower, they dressed with shaking hands in a pair of silk pajamas they’d found in the clothes room. No underwear, of course. Then they’d thrown on a turquoise flower-patterned kimono they’d also found in the clothes room before heading into the kitchen to do what they did best.

Early loved cooking, but their mum also loved cooking, so it was a rare occasion when they got to pull out all the stops and make a meal. They’d pored through the contents of Rhys’s fridge earlier in the day to plan the meal, and within minutes of stepping out of the bathroom, they had the oven heating, a frying pan heating on the hob, and a wealth of ingredients spread over the kitchen counters.

It was so easy to imagine themself as Rhys’s partner, taking care of him and making certain he had everything he needed at the end of a long and stressful workday. Sure, it was a little bit nineteen-fifties creepy housewife, but they loved the idea that they and Rhys could fit together in perfect, domestic harmony.

They turned on the radio to an upbeat pop station and hummed or sang along as they seasoned the meat and popped it in the oven, then went to work sautéing veggies while simultaneously making a balsamic plumb sauce from scratch.

It all felt so comfortable, so right. That was astounding, considering almost nothing in the last few years of their life had made a lick of sense. For those blessed few moments when they were just bopping around Rhys’s kitchen, cooking supper in their pajamas, the world felt exactly as it should be. No one was staring at them, trying to figure out if they were a man or a woman. They weren’t asking themselves those same questions. They were just Early, Rhys’s partner.

The beautiful illusion threatened to shatter when they heard the door open and Rhys step into the flat. This was it. Everything was on the line. The night would either end with them and Rhys tangled up in Rhys’s sheets or in utter embarrassment.

“Something smells good,” Rhys said, walking into the kitchen.

His entire face lit up at the sight of Early standing by the stove in their silky robe, their hair caught up in a flirty ponytail, their skin still fresh and warm from the shower.

“I made supper,” they said, assuming a slightly fey pose and keeping their voice soft as they smiled. They couldn’t keep up the sweet, seductive thing for more than a few seconds, though, and rushed into, “I just love to cook is all and I haven’t been able to do it for a long time, because my mum always cooks at home and you’ve been cooking here. I can throw it out if you want, though, if you want to cook.”

They wanted to kick themselves as soon as their verbal tsunami ended. They needed to play it far cooler than that if they were going to accomplish the seduction they had in mind for the night.

Rhys pretended that nothing humiliating had just happened. “It looks incredible,” he said, coming to stand beside Early at the stove and to glance at everything bubbling away on the hob. “Did you buy some sort of meal kit or did you make this all yourself?”

“I made it myself,” Early said, fighting to fall back into the proud, flirty feelings they’d had before Rhys had arrived. “I told you, I’m an excellent cook. Here. Taste.”

They reached for the wooden spoon they’d been stirring the sauce with and slipped it through the bubbling pan, then held it up for Rhys.

It was like a scene from a romantic movie. Rhys grinned at them, something hot and expectant in his eyes, then closed his hand over Early’s as it held the spoon. He leaned in and tasted the sauce, not too sensual, but definitely not indifferently, then smiled as if he were surprised by the taste.

“That is good,” he said, taking a step back and looking at the hob again. “What are we having?”

“Roasted chicken with balsamic plum sauce, vegetables sautéed in my secret blend of herbs, and herb butter roasted potatoes,” Early replied with a flirty lilt.

“That sounds amazing,” Rhys said with a groan that had Early’s cock taking notice.

“It’s almost done,” they said, trying to match the tone. “Have a seat and I’ll serve you.”

And with any luck, they’d get to serve Rhys in a lot more ways than that after the meal.

“You really don’t have to do this,” Rhys said, sitting at the kitchen table. “And you’ve set the table so nicely, too.”

That was also deliberate. Early had zipped outside to pick some wildflowers, which now stood in a vase in the center of the table, at lunch, then set the table with the best dishes they could find right after their shower.

They buzzed with excitement that was definitely focused low in their groin as they took everything out of the oven, plated it up, and presented Rhys with a plate before sitting across from him with their own. Food was supremely sexual, and Early definitely felt as though they were laying themself on the table along with the chicken.

“How was the rest of your day?” they asked, imagining all the things they and Rhys would talk about if they were an item for real. “The kids who came out of your class this afternoon looked like they had a great time.”

“They did,” Rhys said, smiling at his memory, at the food, and finally at Early. “They got paint everywhere, but I never did mind a bit of a mess.”

Early’s heart skipped a beat. That was flirting, they were sure. They were a mess and Rhys was saying that he didn’t mind that.

“Painted things are bright and colorful,” they said, spearing some of the vegetables with their fork and trying to figure out how to eat them sexily. “I wouldn’t mind being painted.”

“That’s something I want to ask you about, actually,” Rhys said, actually managing to take a bite of chicken and chew it in a way that had the front of Early’s pajamas tenting.

“Oh?” Early asked, tilting their head so they could look up at Rhys through their eyelashes.

“Yes.” Rhys swallowed his bite, then said, “You know I’ve been having trouble with that landscape. Well, Mum keeps suggesting I try something different for a while. Inspired by the live model class, I was wondering if you’d be interested in posing for me privately.”

Early’s stomach flipped so hard they had to put their fork down. They were suddenly far too giddy to eat.

“I’d love to pose for you,” they said, so emotional their voice came out as a shivery whisper. “Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there with bells on. Or with nothing on.”

“I was hoping for nothing,” Rhys said, his voice dropping to a deeper register.

This was it. This was definitely it. They were totally going to lose their virginity tonight, and in the best way possible, with their dream man.

“Do you want me on the couch or in the bed?” they asked, barely able to get the words out. Internally, they were freaking out so much that it was a miracle they managed to maintain the seductive demeanor they were going for.

Rhys stopped chewing for a moment and studied them. The air between them hummed like a fluorescent light, the tension was so high. Early could feel it. They could feel the way Rhys was undressing them with his eyes. They could feel Rhys’s desire, but also the way he was battling it.

“Have you had enough?” they asked, sliding their hand across the table to touch one of Rhys’s that rested against the table, clutching his fork like it was his only hold on sanity. “I could always pack supper up so it could be reheated later, if there’s something else you’d like to do right now.”

“I told myself I wouldn’t,” Rhys murmured, like he was talking to himself.

“Why though?” Early asked. They rested their elbow on the table and their chin in their hand so they could gaze at Rhys sensually. “Why hold back when I’m right here, ready, waiting…eager?”

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Rhys asked, one eyebrow arching up.

Early swallowed, suddenly terrified they’d miscalculated the entire thing.

“What if I am?” they whispered, lowering their eyes. Hopefully Rhys would see that as seductive and not as an attempt to hide from an answer they didn’t want to see.

The room went suddenly still. Rhys studied them without moving. Early could hear their heart pounding in their ears as heat flushed through their entire body. Rhys was thinking about it. He was actually, seriously thinking about it. This was it. This was the moment when?—

“Fuck it. I’m done holding back,” Rhys said, pushing his chair back and standing. He stepped out from the table and offered Early his hand. When Early stood, he tugged them away from the table and straight into his warm, strong arms. “This has been too long in coming,” he said before slanting his mouth over Early’s.

Instant heaven. Early moaned and closed their eyes, throwing their arms over Rhys’s shoulders as they got exactly what they’d been waiting forever for. They had to lift to their toes to match Rhys’s height, but that stretch made everything so much more alive.

Early knew fuck all about kissing, but it didn’t matter as Rhys devoured him, lightly at first, with gentle kisses that nipped as their lips, then with deep, searching kisses that brought their tongues into contact. Rhys didn’t seem to mind that they could only hang on and follow instead of taking the initiative. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the two of them twining together at last.

Rhys shifted a hand down across Early’s back to grab a handful of their arse. The silk made it so much easier, and the possessive way Rhys’s fingers dug into their flesh had Early panting for everything that came next. The world was a spinning carousel, and they didn’t want to get off.

“Come on,” Rhys growled as he broke their kiss. He grabbed one of Early’s hands and pulled them out of the kitchen and across the flat’s main room to the bedroom.

Early had thought ahead where the bedroom was concerned as well. Praying that everything would work out in their favor, they’d stripped and remade the bed with fresh sheets, positioned some candles around the room that could be lit, and made certain there was lube and condoms in the bedside table drawer, within easy reach.

Rhys didn’t seem to be in a mood to light candles or turn on soft music, though.

“Did you find this upstairs in the clothes room?” he asked, tugging at the tie of Early’s kimono.

“Mmm hmm,” Early hummed, unable to form words.

“There’s all sorts of crazy stuff up there,” Rhys said, splitting it open, then pushing it off their shoulders.

The first crack of overthinking hit Early with that statement. Did Rhys think the kimono was crazy? Did he think the pajamas were silly and over the top? Did he think they were silly and over the top?

Those doubts were blown away when Rhys unbuttoned the pajama top and pushed it off as well, then tugged Early back into his arms for more amazing kisses. Kissing made all the doubts go away.

At least for a few seconds.

Rhys reached for the waistband of their pajama bottoms and pushed them down, sliding them over Early’s backside and growing cock. They immediately slithered to the floor, leaving Early naked in Rhys’s arms.

Naked and borderline panicking.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are,” Rhys said, voice rich and hungry, as he dipped down to kiss Early’s neck. He spread his hands along Early’s bare skin, sliding one hand into the cleft of their arsecheeks.

It was hot, unbelievably sexy, and everything Early had ever wanted.

It was also terrifying and intense.

But they’d be damned if they pushed back now.

“I want you,” they said, head tipped back as Rhys kissed and licked the pulse point in their neck. “I want this.”

It felt way too much like they were convincing themself.

“I’ve wanted you for a long time,” Rhys confessed, straightening and reaching for the hem of his shirt.

Warmth rushed through Early, causing them to smile again. Rhys had wanted them for a long time. That was everything they needed to hear and more.

Immediately, they were right back in the moment with Rhys. They helped Rhys pull his shirt over his head, then worked with trembling hands to undo Rhys’s jeans.

Three seconds later, the panic was back when they did what every porn video and internet chat board they’d consulted that day told them they should do and sank to their knees. They pulled Rhys’s jeans down to his knees, then shifted to the side as he kicked them off, then nearly shouted when they were suddenly face to face with Rhys’s half-hard cock.

“You’re so amazing,” they said, voice hoarse with worry.

There was no way they were going to get that thing all the way to the back of their throat. Just looking at it made them want to throw up.

But blow jobs were sexy. They were what two guys did when they were having sex. If they didn’t just go for it, Rhys would probably hate them and want nothing to do with them anymore.

“It’s okay, Early,” Rhys said, stroking a hand through their hair. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“No, I want to,” Early lied. No, it wasn’t a lie. They wanted to taste Rhys’s cock. They wanted to have sex with him.

They smiled up at Rhys, trying to make it look sultry, then reached for Rhys’s cock.

They missed and had to lower their eyes and focus on what they were doing. They managed to wrap their hand around Rhys’s length, sucking in a breath as they did. Rhys let a small sound of pleasure out, which gave them courage.

They leaned forward, puzzling for a moment about the best way to suck a cock, then closed their eyes and went for it, dragging their tongue across Rhys’s mushroom head.

It wasn’t as bad or scary as they thought it would be, so they did it again, taking more time and kissing it a little, too. When that didn’t cause the world to fall down, they did what all the online tutorials said to do and pretended it was an ice lolly and closed their mouth over the top, sucking it a little.

Rhys’s taste was salty and musky. It wasn’t half bad, really. They could definitely get used to it. Since that was okay, they tried a little more, drawing it deeper into their mouth and sucking as they let it go. Their throat was still tight and their tongue kept getting in the way, but they could do this. They could definitely do?—

Whether it was deliberate or reflex on Rhys’s part, Rhys jerked into Early’s mouth so suddenly that they gagged.

Shame and terror threatened to swallow them again in an instant.

“Sorry, baby! I’m so sorry,” Rhys immediately gusted. He reached for Early and pulled them to their feet, caressing their hot face tenderly. “I’d rather have you right here anyhow,” he said, leaning in to kiss Early again.

Kissing definitely made everything better. It meant they didn’t have to look Rhys in the eyes and give away how panicked they were.

Within seconds, Early was relaxed and into it again. So much that they didn’t fight or protest when Rhys slipped between the sheets with them and pinned them to their back.

“You’ve got me so worked up, baby,” Rhys purred, kissing his way down Early’s neck to their chest, then teasing one of their nipples with his tongue.

It was hot and exciting. Rhys definitely knew what he was doing. His hands were all over Early’s body, and his mouth did things that Early had never dreamed of. Their body loved every second of it.

Their mind felt like it was careening through a void, no idea what was going on or what they were supposed to do about it. They moaned when Rhys caressed and stroked their cock and when he drew the whole thing into his mouth in a way Early hadn’t been able to do. They wanted to scream when they came after less than a minute.

“No worries,” Rhys said, all tender laughter, which was the exact opposite of Early’s shame and panic. “You’re young. You’ll bounce back quickly. Unless you want to stop.”

“No, don’t stop,” Early blurted, terrified that Rhys would be completely done with them if they didn’t make sure he got what he wanted.

“I won’t then,” Rhys said, smiling languidly as he kissed his way back up Early’s body.

Again, kissing made them feel better and put them back in the moment. They relaxed into Rhys’s embrace and actually started to enjoy the overtly sexual feelings between them as their body started to ramp up for more pleasure.

Until, once again, the whole thing took a sharp turn when Rhys nudged their legs apart and started to rub his hard cock against the crease of Early’s thigh, like he was ready for his climax.

“Are you taking PrEP?” he whispered the most unromantic words Early could think of in the sexiest voice.

“Um, what? No,” Early answered, squirming.

“Okay. I’ve got it covered,” Rhys said, pushing himself up and stretching over to the bedside table.

It suddenly hit Early like a train. Rhys was going to fuck them. He was going to shove his cock in their hole. They were about to lose their virginity completely.

Which was exactly what they wanted, right? They trusted Rhys. They’d had a crush on Rhys forever. They fancied themselves in love with Rhys. Rhys was their safe person in a world that was anything but safe.

Rhys would hate them if they chickened out now.

They twisted to their stomach, squirming to adjust their legs so they opened out to either side of where Rhys knelt behind them.

“Like this?” they asked, their voice muffled in the pillow, where they hid their face.

“If that’s how you like it, then I’ll do whatever you want,” Rhys said, all tenderness and affection.

He didn’t know Early was freaking out. They were absolutely certain of it.

They couldn’t let him know. He would laugh at them.

They gasped when Rhys slipped his lubed fingers across their hole. The lube was so cold it took their breath.

Good. It would hide how absolutely terrified they were. Rhys would think they were tight because of the cold, not because they’d never had anything larger than a beginner’s toy in there. A beginner’s toy that they’d left behind at their parent’s house without using nearly enough.

“That’s it,” Rhys purred as he slid a finger into Early. “You’re so perfect, baby. So tight.”

Early feigned a moan of pleasure, then let out a real groan of panic as Rhys switched to two fingers. It was terrifying. It kind of felt good, too. Their hips flexed with the instinct to get some friction on their cock. It felt like Rhys was deliberately trying to pull them open wider. That feeling of being at Rhys’s mercy made them giddy and squirmy with lust, but the sting had them moaning into the pillow and lifting their hips up.

“Okay, sweetheart,” Rhys whispered. “I want it, too.”

Rhys shifted over them, and Early’s eyes went wide. Did Rhys think all his noises and moving around were them gagging for?—

It happened so fast that Early could only let out a shocked groan as the pain of something large and hard moving into them dragged all the air from their lungs. Rhys made a matching sound, but his was one hundred percent pleasure and certainty.

“You feel so good, baby,” he groaned against Early’s shoulder as he moved slowly in and out.

Early couldn’t catch their breath. It hurt. They felt too full. It was so intimate. Something in them loved being completely controlled by Rhys. When Rhys paused and switched the angle of his thrusts, speeding them up a little, little bursts of pleasure began to fill them, slowly outpacing the sting of being stretched.

“Yes, baby, yes,” Rhys sighed, his thrust more and more uncontrolled.

It was awesome. It was utterly petrifying.

Early hid their face in the pillow and cried out with each of Rhys’s thrusts, not because they still hurt, although they did a little, but because as Rhys got closer and closer to orgasm, they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this had been a big mistake. They weren’t ready. They felt horrifyingly out of control, like their body wasn’t their own. It was something Rhys was using.

They should have thought this through and talked about it with Rhys first.

They should have told Rhys this was their first time.

Rhys’s sounds and the tension in his body reached some sort of peak, then subsided. Early wasn’t entirely certain when he’d come, but at least he had. At least they’d been able to give him that one thing.

They went limp after the momentary pain of Rhys pulling out, then stayed there, on their stomach, as Rhys did something behind them, then leaned to the side. They only raised their head when Rhys slipped back between the sheets with them, pulling their back against his chest and cuddling with them.

“That was amazing, baby,” Rhys sighed, nuzzling their neck and caressing their belly and side with one hand.

“Thank you,” Early blurted breathlessly, no idea what you were supposed to say to the man who had just taken your virginity without knowing it, especially since they might just have changed their mind about wanting to have sex halfway through, but had been unable to tell him.

Rhys must have sensed their tension. He stopped his caressing and lifted his head to ask, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Early lied. “That was amazing. You were amazing.” They felt like they were parroting the things they were supposed to say.

“Are you sure?” Clearly, Rhys wasn’t buying it.

“I am,” Early sighed, fighting to sound like they meant it, but slipping closer to tears as they did. “I’m…I’m just really tired now. Will you hold me while we fall asleep?”

“Of course,” Rhys said tenderly.

They settled in together, though instead of getting more relaxed, like Rhys did as he fell asleep, Early grew more and more tense.

They’d made a huge mistake. This was going to ruin everything. They felt so awkward and uncomfortable and just wrong.

It wasn’t supposed to be like that. They loved Rhys. They still loved Rhys, despite the throbbing in their hole. They didn’t have words for how much they appreciated that Rhys was such a good guy and that he’d been gentle and concerned. They should thank their lucky stars that they’d had such a considerate lover for their first time. Most people weren’t anywhere near that lucky.

All the self-talk in the world couldn’t shift their emotions away from the horrible, black lump that had formed in their gut. They’d fucked everything right up.

As soon as they were certain Rhys was asleep, they shifted away from him and slipped out of bed. Careful not to make a sound, they crept out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. Without even turning on the light, they moved to the far corner, then sank to sit against the wall, knees drawn up to their body. They hugged themselves, rested their forehead against their knees, and burst into tears.

So much for having the best day ever. They’d taken all that newfound confidence and destroyed it. They’d destroyed everything.