Chapter 10

TEN

Icarus. That’s who they were. Just like Icarus, they’d flown too close to the sun and been burned for it.

Early battled against the urge to cry as they walked away from Rhys and whatever conversation he was having with Robert and Nick. They unbuttoned the cardigan they’d found upstairs and instantly fallen in love with as they went. What had they been thinking to recklessly pick out clothes to adopt without checking to see if they had belonged to Raina first?

They were so stupid, and not just where clothes were concerned. Who the fuck did they think they were to believe they could seduce someone like Rhys? Did they think Rhys would fall at their feet and declare his undying love and ask them to marry him after one clumsy night? No wonder Rhys was so angry with them.

“Good Lord, are you alright?” Rebecca asked, blinking at Early like they’d returned to the office covered in blood.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Early answered too quickly. “I just?—”

They twisted to glance over their shoulder into the front hall, terrified in case Rhys had decided to pursue them to yell at them even more for making a fool of themself last night.

“You don’t look alright,” Rebecca said, narrowing her eyes to study them as she came out from behind the desk. “Did something happen? Did someone insult you or something?”

“No, I swear, I’m fine,” Early lied. They even tried to smile to prove it. “Um, I just remembered that I have an errand I have to run,” they said in a rush, inching toward the door. “Are you going to be okay manning the office for a bit without me?”

“Yeah, sure,” Rebecca said, still eyeing them suspiciously.

“Thanks.”

Early hurried out of the office, then, since they didn’t know where to go, headed down the hallway into the west wing, where the classrooms and offices were. They could still hear the vague sound of a conversation from the front of the east wing, and they wanted to get as far away from any possibility of running into Rhys again as possible.

The trouble was that the hallway where the classrooms stood was already busy with people heading to morning classes. A bus had just arrived with students from the local primary school. Kids were the very last people Early wanted to run into with their heart and their bum still a little sore from the night before.

They were lucky to hear the sound of Robbie’s voice heading toward the open door of his ceramics studio with enough warning to jump into the nearest office so that they could avoid him. Robbie was kind and felt like a brother, but Early didn’t want to have to explain themself to anyone just then.

Not so lucky was the fact that they’d ducked into Robert and Janice’s office to hide. The office was a crowded mishmash of desks and furniture, none of which matched, with sculptures and equipment on every surface and tucked into every corner. The walls were thick with paintings and drawings in every medium done by every member of the extended family. The room was almost unbearably loud without a single sound in it.

Early’s plan was to wait until they were certain Robbie wouldn’t catch them before heading back into the hall and on to…they had no idea where. They just needed to get away for a few minutes so they could breathe again and lick their wounds.

The flashing light on the half-buried phone on Robert’s desk served as a last-minute warning before Robert himself stepped into the room. Early stood in the far corner, looking a little too much like the ancient sewing mannequin, which was covered in silk and feathers. Robert seemed lost in his thoughts and wore a frown as entered the room, but as soon as he realized Early was there, they both flinched and stared at each other.

“Early,” Robert said, immediately relaxing into a smile, whereas Early stayed tense and shaky. “You don’t look well,” he said, moving closer. He noticed the blinking light on his phone then and said, “Give me just one second to deal with this.”

“It’s one of the center’s distributors,” Early said in a small voice as Robert reached for the phone.

“Hello?” Robert answered the call. “Hey, Chuck. Yeah. Hey, listen, can I call you back in about ten minutes? I have something that needs my attention immediately right now. Sure. Sure. Talk to you in a few.”

He hung up the phone, then turned to Early.

A beat after that, he jerked slightly, held up a finger, then walked back to shut his office door.

Early’s stomach sank. He suddenly felt exactly the way he had every time he’d been called into the headmaster’s office to confront the boys who had called him “Girly Early” in the lunchroom so that he could give evidence against them. He had refused to say a peep either for himself or against those boys then, and he fully intended to keep his mouth shut and not rat Rhys out for anything now.

“Come here, Early,” Robert said, overflowing with paternal concern and opening his arms as he stepped away from the door.

Early broke without putting up even a hint of a fight. They let out a tight, miserable sob and rushed into Robert’s embrace like he was their own father. He was definitely the dad they had always wanted and a far cry from the one they’d ended up with.

“There, there,” Robert said, rocking Early slightly as they buried their face against Robert’s shoulder and gave themselves a few seconds to let it all out and cry. “I know Rhys didn’t mean to snap at you. Unfortunately, Nick and I had just ambushed him with a little twist in the fundraiser planning moments before you showed up.”

“It’s not that,” Early sobbed, desperately trying to pull themself together. “Rhys and I slept together last night and it was awful and now he hates me.”

So much for keeping their mouth shut and not incriminating Rhys in any way.

Robert stopped his gentle rocking movements for a moment, squeezed Early tighter, then let them go so he could look into their eyes. Early rushed to wipe at their face, even though they’d barely cried at all, and made themself stand straighter.

“Well that’s a horse of a different color entirely,” Robert said.

It was a surprising relief to see the sparkle of humor and joy in Robert’s eyes. Robert was one of the most easy-going, happy people Early had ever met.

“Sorry,” they said, glancing down a little, which caused their hair to fall into their face, like a shield.

But no, they couldn’t hide from what they’d done. They couldn’t hide from a Hawthorne. They pushed their hair back, sucked in a deep, bracing breath, and stood straight to face everything.

“Do you have something to be sorry about?” Robert asked, peering carefully at Early. “Did you tie my son to the bed and have your way with him?”

“No,” Early said with a small laugh despite his wrecked emotions.

“Did he assault you?” Robert asked more seriously.

“No,” Early answered with matching seriousness. “If anything, I seduced him a little.”

Robert arched one eyebrow. “A little?”

Early winced, feeling themself blush. “I…I cooked him dinner and dressed in silk pajamas and flirted with him.”

“Well, yes, of course,” Robert said with gentle sarcasm. “Because all of those things scream ‘bang me into the mattress’ and not ‘I’m your friend and I’m just being nice’.”

Early let out a shy laugh and lowered their head. They knew what Robert was trying to get at, but they weren’t sure they deserved that sort of consideration.

“It was what I wanted,” they said, still looking down. Their expression pinched. “I thought it was what I wanted.” They glanced up as Robert took in a breath, like he was going to object. “No, I’m sure it was. I wanted it.”

“Did you and my son talk about this beforehand?” Robert asked.

Early shook their head and glanced down again.

“Did you talk about it after?”

Early shook their head again.

“So basically, the two of you had an experience that should have been beautiful, but you stuffed it right up.”

That earned another smile from Early. They lifted their head and forced themself to face the consequences they’d created again, but the paternal concern in Robert’s eyes made them want to wither into a ball of uncertainty again.

“That’s why Rhys is angry with me,” they said quietly. “I did everything wrong.”

Robert continued to stare at them for so long it made their skin prickle.

“I was seventeen when I lost my virginity,” he said, completely matter-of-fact. “I lost it to one of my teachers.”

Early’s mouth dropped open. “Was that allowed back then?”

“No, it was not,” Robert answered quickly. “I fancied myself so grown-up all through the term, when I flirted with him. When he asked me to stay behind at the end of the day, then fucked me over his desk, I thought I was the bee’s knees and a part of the age-old tradition of spotty schoolboys losing their virginity to their wicked, ravenous teachers.”

Early blinked. “Wait, you liked it?”

“I loved it,” Robert said with a shrug. “I had to find my way out of the school and home on the bus with an enormous wet spot on the front of my trousers from how hard I’d come.”

Early couldn’t seem to get their mouth to shut, they were so shocked. “And that was just allowed to happen without consequence?”

“Absolutely not,” Robert said. “There were devastating consequences.”

“Was he sacked?” they asked.

“God, no. He received a teaching commendation at the end of the year.”

Early gaped all over again.

“And he marked me down on every assignment I did for the rest of the year, nearly failing me in the process,” Robert went on. “He never looked me in the eyes again, even though I tried to absolve him of what he did. I even tried flirting with him again, but that just made things worse.”

“I…I don’t know what to say.”

Robert shrugged. “Guilt is a powerful force. Even when everyone agrees to something that may or may not be wrong, it can throw a spanner in the works of an otherwise good thing.”

“So, what are you saying?” Early asked, balling the ends of the sleeves of Raina’s cardigan nervously in their hands and squirming a little.

“Hell if I know,” Robert said with a wry laugh. “You and Rhys are friends. You’re good for each other. Whatever happened last night, it can’t be as much of a disaster as my first time.”

“I—oh.” Early dropped their shoulders, more confused than ever. “It’s just that Rhys is angry with me now.”

Robert snorted. “Rhys is angry with the world right now. He’s still healing from Raina’s death. I won’t go so far as to say he isn’t responsible for his actions, but I also wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s angry with you.”

“So, um, what should I do about it?” Early asked, desperately hoping Robert had some solid guidance to give. For life as well as for love.

“Give it time,” Robert said with a sympathetic smile. “You’re both dealing with a lot. It took more than a day to paint the Sistine Chapel. Talk to each other. Definitely do that. Sooner rather than later. Everything can be sorted by talking it out. I’ll even be there to facilitate if you need me to.”

Early couldn’t imagine anything more embarrassing.

“Okay,” they said.

“You’re doing a great job under trying circumstances, love,” Robert said, reaching out to rub Early’s arm. “In case anyone hasn’t told you,” he added.

“I think I’m rubbish at life,” they said.

“What?” Robert asked incredulously. “You? You’ve mastered the art of being yourself decades before most people even begin to try.”

“I have no idea who I am,” Early argued. “I can’t even decide what gender I am.”

“You’re you,” Robert said patting Early’s arm. “That’s the only label you need.”

Early sincerely doubted that was true, but hearing Robert’s praise actually helped. They felt a bit stronger, a bit more like someone was looking out for them.

“Do you need my help with anything else?” Robert asked. “Do you need me to march out there, find Rhys, turn him over my knee, and tan his backside, like I used to do when he was a naughty toddler?”

Early laughed, relaxing even more. “No,” they said. “Although I’d probably pay a few quid to see you spanking Rhys.”

“And pay a few more to do the job yourself, eh?” Robert winked at him.

Early flushed hot. He might like it the other way around, though he wasn’t sure he had a kinky bone in his body, but he wasn’t about to tell Robert Hawthorne that.

“I think I’m good,” they said.

But after wrapping things up, getting one more hug, and leaving Robert’s office, they weren’t sure if they were good yet. They walked down the corridor with a knot in their stomach, praying they wouldn’t run into Rhys. All the kind words Robert could say couldn’t erase the lingering feeling that they’d done something wrong and would have hell to pay for it.

“Did you run into the Hawthorne House ghost while doing your errands?” Rebecca asked them when they made their way timidly back to the office.

They blinked. “Is there a Hawthorne House ghost?”

“Several, I think,” Rebecca said. “Looking like you do, I’d think you were one of them.”

They opened their mouth but then shut it again, not really sure what they’d been about to say. They pursed their lips, frowned, and tried to sort through half a dozen of the thoughts that came flying at them. Nothing made much sense to them at the moment, but after talking to Robert, a new feeling that whatever happened next was up to them was beginning to form.

“Actually, would it be alright if I took the rest of the day off?” they asked, the little shoot of an idea that had sprung up within them suddenly turning into an entire tree of inspiration.

“Yeah, sure,” Rebecca said. “It’s Friday, after all. You deserve a long weekend after this week.”

“Thanks,” Early said, tapping the top of the front desk, then turning to leave the office. “I’ll be back in time for dinner. Maybe we could have a movie marathon tonight or something?”

The question was a sneaky way of asking if they could stay with Rebecca for the moment, until they sorted things with Rhys enough to move back in with him, or find another place to live entirely.

“Sounds lovely,” Rebecca said with a smile.

Early smiled back, then left. They knew what they needed to do, if not about Rhys, then about the rest of their life.

What they needed to do involved walking to the end of the lane that wound through Hawthorne House’s grounds to the road, then taking three different busses until they got to the street where their parents lived. They needed to sort that situation before they could move on and sort whatever was going on with Rhys. Robert had said they knew who they were, and who they were wasn’t who their parents insisted they be.

They still had the key to their parents’ house in their wallet, which had conveniently been in the pocket of the vest they’d put on under Raina’s cardigan to hide a stain on the shirt they’d wanted to wear that morning. Or maybe layering up when they’d dressed after the long shower they’d taken that morning—their second one after the shower they’d had the night before, when they’d been certain Rhys was sound asleep—was their subconscious’s way of hiding from what happened. Either way, they were able to let themself into the house without knocking.

Their hope had been to get in, pack their things, then get out without causing any sort of a scene. But it was Friday, and as it turned out, they weren’t the only one taking a long weekend.

“Good God. Earl!” their mother gasped as she came out of the kitchen with a plate holding a sandwich in one hand and a can of soda in the other. “You’re back!”

“Hello, Mum,” Early said, going hot and cold at the confrontation they weren’t expecting and definitely didn’t want.

Their mum seemed oblivious to their distress. “You’re back,” she repeated, setting her plate and soda on the table beside the sofa, then rushing to them. “My baby boy is back!”

Early felt utterly helpless in so many ways as their mum grabbed their cheeks and beamed at them, then yanked them into her arms. They didn’t have the first idea what to do to make their mum see what was right in front of her.

“I, um, I actually just came to pack up some of my things,” they said, hugging their mum back, but squirming away from the hug as quickly as they could. “All of them, actually.”

“Nonsense,” their mum said, still beaming and certain things were going her way. “Come in and have a seat. I’ll make you a sandwich, too, and we’ll have a nice little catch-up.”

“Mum, no,” they said, aching with the effort of getting through to her. “I’m going to go upstairs and pack my things.”

“No, you’re not,” their mum said, instantly losing their excitement. “You’re going to go upstairs and change into something more appropriate for a boy, then you’ll come back down and have lunch with your mum. I have an appointment at the hairdresser’s this afternoon, and you can come with me and finally cut that mop of yours.”

Early swallowed hard. If only things could be easy once in a while.

“I’m staying at Hawthorne House,” they said, speaking clearly, as if it would make their mum understand. “I’m non- binary, my pronouns are they/them, I’m not your boy, and I go by the name Early now.”

“But ‘Girly Early’ was always an insult,” their mum said. “We named you Earl. That’s your name.”

It wasn’t going to work. They weren’t going to get through to their mum. Not this way, at least.

“I know my name was supposed to be an insult at first. I decided to keep it as a way to remind myself that I’m bigger than the bullies, stronger than them. I own that name,” They said.

“But Earl?—”

“I’ll be back down as soon as I pack my things,” they said, knowing if they let their mum say too much, she might actually guilt them into something they didn’t want.

They headed up the stairs and down the hall to their bedroom.

“When is this ridiculousness going to stop?” their mum demanded, following them. “Gay I can understand. I wouldn’t even mind if you were bisexual or pansexual, or whatever they call it these days. I could still have grandchildren that way.”

“Mum,” Early sighed in warning as they pulled their suitcase out from under the bed where they stored it.

“Well, you can’t expect me to just blithely accept whatever new silliness you young people have come up with these days,” she hounded him. “You were a boy when I gave birth to you and you’re still a boy now. Nature doesn’t just change like that.”

Early just shook their head. With any luck, their mum would understand one day. They weren’t entirely certain they understood themself. The only thing they could do right then, in that moment, was to make a sweep of their bedroom, gathering up everything from the life they’d once had that they wanted to take into their life going forward and packing it into the suitcase.

“Are you even listening to me, Earl?” their mum demanded as they took a few items of clothing that they still liked from their wardrobe and folded them into the suitcase.

“I’m listening,” they said. “But I am who I am, not who you keep trying to get me to be. It’s not about understanding it, it’s about loving me enough to accept me as I am.”

They smiled unexpectedly as they said that. Maybe Robert was right after all and they did know who they were. At least, they were certain they knew who they weren’t.

“This has gone on long enough,” their mum said with a sigh as they finished piling things into their suitcase. “I’m calling your dad. He can be home within an hour. You’re not going anywhere until he’s had a chat with you.”

“Sorry, Mum,” Early said, zipping their suitcase, then giving their room one final look.

They were certain there were a dozen things and more that they really needed or wanted to take with them into whatever life happened next for them, but there wasn’t time to turn everything upside down or space to pack it all in. It was symbolic, really. They couldn’t take it all, they could only take what really mattered to them.

“Earl?” their mum asked as they lifted their suitcase and carried it out of the room and down the stairs.

“I’ll be in touch,” they called back over their shoulder as they walked on and opened the front door. “I’ll be at Hawthorne House. You can always find me there. I definitely don’t mind if you want to come visit me, but you need to do it on my terms.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” his mum asked, stepping out of the house with them and looking anxious as she did.

Early stopped on the sidewalk in front of the house, sucking in a deep breath of what felt like fresh, clean air, despite the threat of rain in it. “My name is Early,” they said. “I don’t know who I am yet, not really, but it’s up to me to find out. I might make some mistakes while I do that, but they’ll be my mistakes.”

“Really,” his mum tutted, as if they’d spoken in gibberish.

“I love you, Mum,” they said with a surprisingly easy smile, then turned to head back down to the bus stop.

It was like a weight lifted off their shoulders. They still felt like complete rubbish where Rhys was concerned. One step in the right direction was only one step. But it was a step they’d taken instead of a step they knew they needed to take someday.

Someday was there, and the rest of their life waited beyond it.