Prologue

P addy

It had taken me a few months since my discharge to conjure up the courage to go see him. My father had instilled in us that he was unbreakable, and if he sensed any weakness in me, he'd be sure to point it out. We Sullivan's didn't get hurt, we didn't break and we had to show no fear. Caught in an explosion I almost didn't live to tell about would have meant nothing to him.

In his eyes, it would have simply been braver to just die in war. And even that wouldn't be good enough for him. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

Judging from my brothers, the old man didn't have much time, and with Cillian being locked up, things would surely change in the unforeseen future. Whether that was a good thing, or a bad thing, I just didn't know. Pa and I had never got on much. Never had a thing in common, and never had a heart to heart. His idea of that was a fist to the face or a fracture to the ribs. As much as I respected the man, I hated him just as much.

With his daily beatings, he promised it'd toughen us up, but I always got it the worst. My big mouth didn't help either. But his claim was that a pretty blond lad like me was always going to get challenged, and no son of his—no matter how pretty, was going to have a reputation of losing a fight.

My hands trembled and my body seized. Turning that doorknob of his hospital room had felt like the hardest thing I ever had to do, but once I did, the sight in front of me had caused the blood in my veins to freeze.

He laid there, so fragile and frail. The man I once feared, had submitted to wires and monitors keeping him alive. Oisín had always looked so powerful, and now, all he looked like was helpless and pathetic.

At the sound of my footsteps, his icy blue eyes peeled open, and with whatever strength he had, he sat upright in his bed.

"It took you a while to come see me," he remarked, as I lingered at the foot of the bed until he invited me to sit by the bedside.

"órfhlaith and the others brought me flowers," he joked.

"Yeah well, the best you're going to get from me is a get well soon. How's she cutting?" His limp shoulders shrugged.

"Can't say that I've been through worse," he admitted. "But I'm glad you came to talk to me. You've always been the one to make outside mates. Trying to carve out a different identity to distinguish yourself from your brothers and sister. I wasn't as lucky as you, and your mum. I was an only child. I had to make my way on my own because I was on my own. Oftentimes I had to put my trust in other people. People who didn't always have my best interests at heart.

I had this one mate, Connor his name was. Connor Mulligan. Met him back in the old country. He was a square at first, but after we made both made it here, he'd saved my arse in a bar fight. That kind of thing builds a bond between men. Even though he started out as one of them blue collar working fellas, he believed in the life I was setting up for myself. The one I was setting up for my future family."

This had to be the most my Pa and I had ever spoken to each other. He wasn't the kind of man who spent his time telling us stories, or reminiscing about the past. He wasn't sentimental like that.

My guess was that he wanted to leave this earth planting one last good memory we could all cling to. Heaven knows, it would be the only one. He was right about someone saving your life building a bond between two men. I wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for one of my war buddies, even if I tried my hardest to black out moments from my time spent in the war.

"So, whatever happened to him?" I asked, not overly curious, but waiting for him to make his point.

"I had to put him down. He had broken an unspoken rule, and he understood that that's just how things were done. Your mum and him….they had gotten really close with me being away all the time. He was my best mate, I trusted her in his care. But the truth is, she never loved me the way she loved him, and I resented her for it. Told myself I was just there for the kids and nothing more. We never really truly came back from that, not without the constant reminder of her infidelity." My heart beat like a drum in my chest. My mother…was unfaithful?

That truly was a stab in the heart. A part of me hated my mother growing up, nearly as much as I hated Pa. She never protected us from the beatings. She never fought to set us all free. Never sensed that my folks were in love. How could they be? We knew nothing but misery and pain in that house. At least now, I had one clue as to why. How could someone cheat on their spouse? How could someone give up without even trying?

"You know, when I look at you evolving into a man, I see him inside you. Lord knows I ain't never been handsome, but my mate Connor, the lasses bowed at his feet. He was blond, like you are. And man, did you inherit his sharp tongue. But it's your eyes. I've never seen another person with his eyes before. That murky speck of brown in a sea of blue. That's when I suspected."

At his admission, a ball of fear formed at the base of my stomach, as air stalled in my lungs. What exactly was Pa trying to tell me? Because where my thoughts went had hit harder than any punch to the gut.

"What are you trying to say, Pa? That I'm not yours?" My brows cinched as I fought hard and won to fight back tears.

"What I'm saying is that you're my son, mine . I may not be your birth father, but I was the one who raised you. You're a Sullivan. Nothing about who your real father is, is going to change that. In my eyes or in God's." Without permission, I excused myself, my legs feeling like a train traveling at high speed until I could walk no further. I collapsed to my knees, tears falling from my eyes, the sobs stinging, as confusion coursed through my heart.

All the enduring. All the pain. All the anger I kept locked inside of me seemed to vanish with every tear. I wasn't Oisín's, so who was I really? The man could have died with that knowledge, but with a last effort to humble me, he had told me the truth.

Could that have the reason I got it the worst? Because I was the constant reminder of my mother's unhappiness. I didn't know what or how to feel, but in this moment, I wished that I couldn't feel anything.

I took refuge in the closest toilet, rinsing my face off from all that earlier sobbing so that my Pa didn't see me as weak. Once I collected myself, I returned, taking my time before settling back down on the chair.

"Do the others know?"

"Why would they? And they won't know if you don't tell them."

"Well why the hell would you tell me then?" I snapped, a voice I didn't even recognize raising to my father.

"I told you , because I sense you slipping away. I don't want any outside influences getting to you, and destroying everything you've built for yourself. I did, and I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. But you, you've got brothers, a sister, family. And with Cillian in the pen, I need you to swear to me that you'll step up and help your brothers more. All there is on this god given earth is family, and you're mine. I didn't put sons on this planet for the Sullivan name to die with me. I don't know how much longer I've got, but all I want is for all my sons to stick by each other, and look out for one another. Once I'm gone, you'll be all each other has."

For a moment we sat there wordless, unsure of what needed to be said, but then he caved in and broke the uncomfortable silence.

"It's you I need to keep everyone on track. Bell, you know he can't stay out of the Colored whorehouses. And Tadhg? We've always known that Tadhg was a little eccentric. He's good at the business, running numbers, making money, growing. But you know he's got his oddities. And Cillian, he's too reckless. I think this time in prison will teach him some much-needed discipline. That being said, you need you a nice Irish lass. Start having some kids and anchor yourself down somewhere. You're the only one of my sons I trust to do that. Can you do that for me, son?"

I nodded, knowing that after his confession that I'd never be able to keep that promise. Learning what my mother chose to subject me to, knowing the cruelness of my father's heart, I would never trust any woman.

Not now, not ever.