Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Seeing the pain in Gage's eyes and knowing she was the one to put it there killed her.

She hadn't called him after all these years to hurt him again.

"It was real. Everything about us was real. I made every mistake in the book. I destroyed my life to the point of no return and then built myself back up. I did all of that alone so I could come back to you stronger than the girl you used to know. The girl you fell in love with in high school would never have survived the years you were deployed. I know that now."

Rehab taught her a lot. Her therapist taught her even more. But it was the conversations with Janet that really put things into perspective. Endless months of deployments. Weeks of not being able to speak with Gage because his assignments didn't allow communication; those were the things his mother brought up and she was ashamed to admit she never could've handled that life. Being alone hadn't been good for her. Not until she got help anyway.

"You don't know that," Gage tried to argue with her.

She smiled at him sadly. "Yes, I do. Believe me, months of therapy and dozens of conversations with your mother helped me realize it. I latched on to people. The wrong people it would seem but I latched on to them anyway because being alone sent me into a spiral. Unfortunately, so did the people I hung out with. In the end, the results were all the same."

The look he was giving her broke her heart, and it was only about to get worse. She knew what he would ask before the question left his mouth. Only this time, nothing would save her.

"What happened to you while I was gone?"

"Why don't we go sit in the living room? This conversation will be better if we are both sitting down rather than standing in the entryway."

That was a lie. Nothing would make what she had to tell him any better.

The walk to the couch felt like the march to death row. She was being led to her doom. Nothing would save her. No last-minute call from the governor to stop the execution. This was happening whether she wanted it to or not.

Dramatic much?

She didn't have the luxury of being dramatic. Not as a kid, certainly not as a teenager, and now it was just pathetic. She had too much that she was grateful for.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what you have to tell me?" Gage settled next to her on the large tan sofa.

"Because you're not." Dani sucked in a large gulp of air before letting it out slowly. "I already mentioned I made a lot of mistakes. The first was seeking comfort from your best friend after I broke things off with you." Gage tensed next to her but she continued anyway. The only way for this to work was if she started from the beginning. "I didn't realize it back then but I have a co-dependency personality, so when I left you, I sought out the first familiar person and latched on. I falsely assumed Mark was a great guy because he was your best friend and I had known him almost as long as I knew you. What I didn't realize at the time was that he hated you. Deep down, hid it well, hated you because he always thought he should've been the one to get the girl. Silly me played right into his hands."

"I never knew."

"I know you didn't, and neither did I. Not until it was too late. He enjoyed taunting you but I was too lost in my own head to realize that's what he was doing. It wasn't until after you left for the Army that he showed his true colors. He knew you were never coming back and he was safe to do as he pleased. Safe to be the monster he truly was."

The last few words stuck in her throat. This was just the beginning; things only got worse as she got older.

"What did he do to you?" The question was strained, as if Gage felt obligated to ask. This could’ve been her opportunity to downplay things, to spare his feelings. She could lie or even leave some stuff out. But if she had any hope of him trusting her again, she needed to be honest with him. He deserved the truth even if she didn’t want to give it to him.

"Smacked me around. Destroyed my confidence in life. Controlled my every move. It was that way for years until I hooked up with the Hell Raisers. They were the ones who scared him off. But I traded one type of abuse for another."

"Bree hinted at a lot of stuff happening in your life but she wouldn't tell me anything. Said I needed to hear it from you."

She liked this Bree character already. Loyalty from a stranger was rare. Maybe her first impression about the woman was wrong. She wondered if one day she could be friends with Bree.

"I turned out just like my parents." The words were nothing more than a whisper. She still couldn't believe she was even saying them. Never did she want Gage to know about that part of her life.

"I'm sorry, what? I couldn't have heard you correctly."

Dani straightened her spine. It was now or never. Either Gage was going to understand or he wasn't.

"Running with the Hell Raisers led me down a dark path. I know you've heard the rumors that they transport drugs for the cartel. Some of their members like to sample the product. The first time one of the crew forced me to do it with them but that was all it took for me to get hooked. Before I knew it, I would do anything for my next hit."

Gage pushed off the couch and cursed vehemently. Words she didn't even know could be paired together flew out of his mouth as he paced the large living room.

"You turned to fucking drugs ?" Gage shouted. "What the fuck happened to hating them? The girl I used to know never wanted to be anything like her parents."

Dani rose from the couch to match Gage’s movements. Anger was quickly replacing the guilt she felt over having to tell him about those disastrous days.

"That girl was lost. She was weak and easily manipulated. I knew by that point in my life I had fucked up when I pushed you away, but I didn't know how to fix it, so I punished myself. I didn't care if I lived or died. Ironically, it was my parents’ death that landed me in rehab the first time."

"How long?"

"How long, what?" They were circling around each other, each of them pacing different parts of the living room but never taking their eyes off the other. To an outsider it would look like a standoff, and maybe that was what was happening.

"How long have you been sober?"

This time she smiled with pride. "Fourteen months. And before you ask, yes, that's about as long as I've been talking to your mother. She knows about my addiction. She knows about rehab and has helped me through some tough days. She was my saving grace when I needed it the most."

"Jesus Christ." Gage ran his palm over his beard over and over again. She wondered if he even realized he was doing it or if it was a nervous tic.

"I didn't last long after I got out of rehab the first time because I went straight back to where I used to live. The Hell Raisers got their claws in me again and it wasn't long before I fell off the wagon. But the night of the bar fight changed everything. I knew I was close to throwing away my life and would end up in jail if I continued to hang with them, so I checked myself into rehab. I gave it a real chance that second time, and when I got out, I stayed as far away from our hometown as I could get. I learned my lesson."

Not well enough though because she went back. The need to prove to herself that she could handle anything was now the reason someone was after her.

"What did you do for the MC?"

Dani prickled at the question. She knew what he was asking. He was curious how many other illegal things could be pinned on her. Plus, she already knew what he thought of her time with them. A patch bunny, he said earlier. It was the truth even if she hated to admit it.

"I never transported drugs for them if that's what you're insinuating. I won't lie to you though. It was a prospect who brought me in, but by the time I went to rehab the first time, I had slept my way through the club."

The disappointment on his face squeezed at her heart. She was upset with the choices she made as well but there was no changing them now. Her therapist had told her that dozens of times. She couldn't dwell on who she used to be. She could only focus on who she wanted to be in the future.

"And after?"

"You have to know I didn't want to go back, but things were so damn hard. I didn't have any family and the only friends I had left were those in the MC. They were shitty friends, but they were all I had left. I was okay for a few days but eventually the loneliness got to be too much, and when one of them approached me, I thought I could handle it."

The floor suddenly became the most interesting part of the room as she examined it closely. It was harder than she expected to talk about that time in her life, to remember all the bad decisions she made.

"Were things the same when you went back?"

Dani shook her head with vigor. "No, because I didn't want them to be. I mean, yes, eventually I went back to using, but I had no desire to trade my body for it. One of the members protected me. He let me sleep in his room at night but didn't expect anything in return. I was kind of waiting for that to change, but then the fight happened. I was a little strung out, so I don't exactly remember everything. I know I hit someone with a pool stick by accident. I think I ran but I'm not sure, and how I got to rehab is a little fuzzy. When I got sober, I asked the counselor at the facility and she said I walked in on my own but had no idea how I got there. It didn’t matter though because I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. It was my chance to change my future and I was clinging to it with both hands."

So many mistakes.

So many missed opportunities to change things.

Telling her story sapped all her energy. She dropped back down onto the couch and let her head fall into her hands. Tears pricked her eyes.

She hated to cry. Hated to look weak. She didn't want pity from Gage. She didn't deserve it after everything she’d put him through, but the last seventeen years were catching up to her.

"Hey, you okay?"

The couch shifted with the added weight. She startled when his hand made contact with her shoulder. It had been so long since he touched her and she was tempted to pinch herself to see if the moment was real.

She managed to refrain.

"I screwed so many things up." The words sounded garbled to her own ears. Emotion was clogging her throat. "I know why I did it, and I know deep down it was the right thing to do at the time, but fuck I've been a royal screwup."

Her therapist frowned upon her talking shit about herself. Any other day she would be turning the negative thoughts around but today was different. No amount of planning and practiced conversations could prepare her for the real thing——talking to Gage for the first time.

She finally picked her head up and looked him in the eyes. "I'm sorry for how I hurt you." Dani didn't have anything else to give him.

She wasn't sorry she broke up with him. It was the best decision for both of them. But she was sorry she hurt him. Immaturity kept her from realizing there were better ways she could've handled the situation.

"I'm trying really hard to understand, but I'm not going to lie. Knowing what you went through while I was gone is fucking with my head." Devastation was written all over his face.

She was afraid that would happen. His heart was too damn big. People wouldn't know it by looking at him, but he would give his shirt off his back in a heartbeat. The perpetual scowl was a deterrent so people wouldn't get close to him. He was a giver who wanted nothing in return.

"That's why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you would take it hard but it wasn't your cross to bear. It was mine, and I came out on top."

"You went to fucking rehab, Dani," he snapped. "Twice."

"Yes, I did, and it was no picnic. Certainly not something I ever plan to do again. Detox sucks. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But you know what?" She didn't wait for him to answer. "I survived. I came out stronger. I learned from it and look at me now." She tapped her chest. "I'm happy, and had the courage to call you."

Gage groaned. "You called me to bail you out."

She laughed; he wasn't wrong.

"True. But I could've called your mother. I know I said I had no one, but I could've called her. You were the one I wanted to speak to. I just needed the motivation." She lifted her shoulder casually. "Granted, getting arrested wasn't how I wanted it to go, but the end result was the same."

He gave her the tiniest of smiles. "I wanted to keep hating you."

Dani gave herself permission to touch him. It was nothing more than a brush of her fingers across his arm but it was more than she’d had in seventeen years.

"Wanted?"

"Every day since I left for the Army, I've thought of you. I didn't want to. I actively tried to push it away but there were times when I couldn't. I would wonder how your life turned out, if you were happy. Then I would get mad and wish you were miserable. Now that I know what you went through, I feel terrible."

Damn it! The stupid tears were back and not just in her eyes. Gage was doing a better job of keeping his at bay, but she couldn't miss the glossy look.

"Oh, Gage. Please don't feel that way. I wanted you to live your life. You deserved it. There aren't a lot of high school students who know what they want to do after graduation. You did. So it was only right that you followed that. It was all I wanted for you."

Gage didn't say anything at first. He just continued to look in her eyes like he was trying to solve all the world’s problems. She wished she could say something to change his mind but there was nothing more she could say. He would need to come to the conclusion on his own.

And based on his next words, she could tell he wasn't there yet.

"But by doing so, I left you to suffer alone."