Chapter One

Carmen

Adventure.There’s not a one size fits all sort of thing. Some people could find excitement in a new recipe. Others need extreme thrills like climbing Mount Everest or scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. I’m somewhere in the middle, I suppose. There’ll be no oxygen defying climbs or swimming with sharks, but I need something to get my blood moving.

I climb onto the back of Ruin’s motorcycle and lean into his solid frame. He smells like leather, exhaust, and some kind of tree. It’s funny. I’ve hung around bikers my whole life and they all have a unique smell. I don’t know what it is. You’d think leather was leather, but it’s not. Ruin’s leather is so much different than my brother’s leather, and they both smell completely different than our close buddy, Country.

Ruin’s scent is my favorite, though. It’s deep, wild, and there’s a musk beneath all of it that’s drawn me in and won’t let go. That, or I could be crazy.

Pine trees and pastures pass as we climb the mountain toward a place only we know. We come out here every so often to talk about life… as friends. Anything more than that would be clearly prohibited by my brother, the leader of Ruin’s MC, Outlaw. He’s raised me from the time I was fourteen. There’s no paying him back for that, and it seems the least I can do is not put the moves on his friends, though it’s getting harder and harder by the second.

Ravens gather at the side of the road and hardy wildflowers pop in wind feathered fields. The prickle of a sunburn is on my bare arms, and my cheeks are cold from the incoming wind.

Ruin pulls into a gravel outcropping, parks behind a glacial boulder, and kills the motor on his bike. I love this ride. We’ve taken it half a dozen times over the past six years or so, and it gets better every time. The sky always looks different with the clouds streaking in unique and beautiful patterns, and the forest floor is ever changing as its inhabitants go about their everyday lives.

“Pretty up here today,” Ruin says, helping me off the back of his bike. My thighs are still numb from the rumbling.

I pull up my sunglasses and scan the horizon, looking out at the valley below. White-capped mountains cascade down into a turquoise lake and tall pine trees crawl up in the distance. There’s a steep climb here and a short trail that leads around to a sheer drop. Call us crazy, but we always have to go right to the edge of that cliff to sit and talk.

I’ve always felt safe here with him. He’s big, strong, and could clearly fight off a bear or whatever else wandered our way, but it’s more than that. He’s mentally strong. When I’m falling apart, he holds me together. When I need to vent, he doesn’t take it personally. When I’m down and can’t find my way up again, he leads me toward the light.

“What’s going on?” He turns toward me. The sun is on his face, brightening the line of tattoos that streak down his neck. “Sounded pretty important when you called.”

“Yeah… I don’t know. I’m freaking out a little.”

“Why?” His tone is stoic and flat, as though he wants to understand me. No one else in my life is like that. Not Outlaw, not my friends, no one. You’d think that would be easy to find in a friend, but it’s not. So many people are ready to jump you with their opinions, their judgment, their advice. How many people listen… just to understand you?

“I need an adventure,” I say, looking out at the mountainscape before us. “Like a real, crazy, take me out of my skin type of thing.”

“Like what? Skydiving? I don’t want you skydiving, peach. It’s dangerous, and you heard about that guy who went out in Wyoming and his chute didn’t open, right? Dude went tumbling down and splat.”

“Splat, huh?”

Ruin nods.

He’s called me peach since I was young. He said it was because I was sweet, like a peach. I like to think it’s because of my thick and juicy ass… that I wish I had.

Either way, when he calls me peach, my thighs tingle.

“Not skydiving. That’s too wild. I do have something in mind, though, but it’s embarrassing.”

“What?”

My cheeks heat, and while I had all intentions of telling him my wild, fantastical, exploration idea… now I’m chickening out. “Never mind. I can’t even say it. So, clearly, I shouldn’t be doing it.”

He laughs. “This is your process, though. You think of an idea, back pedal out of it, stall, then finally tell me. So… what is it?”

I glance toward him. I adore that he knows me so well. “That’s not my process.”

“You’re literally doing it right now. Step three… stall.”

I shake my head and bite back a grin. “Okay, I’ll say it.”

“Okay. So, say it.” His tone is deep.

“Well… there’s this club in the Springs. It’s this exhibitionist place called The Lookout.”

His heavy frame tenses beside me, which is odd because usually, he’s so cool. “What about it?”

“I think I want to go there.”

He glances toward me and grins. “Yeah right. That’s not your crowd, peach. Trust me.”

“You’ve been?”

“No, but I know it’s not your crowd.”

“How? How do you know?” I turn toward him.

“I just know.” He keeps staring at the horizon and I wonder for a second if maybe I’m crazy. Ruin never turns down one of my ideas. In fact, he’s really open to helping me make all my dreams come true.

“Okay… how do you know?”

He twists a rock in circles between his fingers as he glances toward me. “I don’t know, peach. Those people are probably pretty experienced, is all.”

“I know. That’s why I want to go. I want to do something wild, and I want you to go with me.”

He laughs… hard. It’s so loud and rough that I’m a little embarrassed that I asked him to go in the first place.

Why is he being so weird about this?

“Hey,” he continues, laughing, “I love you. You know I do. I’ve loved you since you were a tiny peach, and you know I’d do anything for you, but Outlaw… he’d fucking murder me.” He sighs. “And if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t blame him for it. That would be a terrible idea.”

I sigh. “What’s with you today? Outlaw doesn’t need to know, and you’re my friend too.”

He bumps my shoulder playfully. “Always, but there’s a limit on how far you can push a man. I’m pretty sure he’d snap in ways I couldn’t even imagine if I took his little sister to a sex club. I love you, but no.”

“Look, I get it. It’s a lot. I should ask someone else.”

“Or,” he groans, “don’t go. If you want adventure, I’ll take you ziplining or something.”

“Twelve-year-olds go ziplining. I’m twenty-three tomorrow. I want to live! I spend all day in the salon, doing the same boring haircuts over and over. Then I go home, feed the dog, watch TV, and put things on my online wish list that I’ll never buy. I’m bored. I want to feel alive!”

“How does watching other people have sex make you feel alive? Have you tried porn? Maybe that’s your first step.”

“I don’t want to watch.” I swallow hard and look away.

He gasps. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know.” I reach out for his arm and tug it playfully. It worked when I was young and wanted ice cream. “Please?”

“Well, you have to tell me what you meant by not wanting to watch. It’s a place where people watch, so… there’s only one other option.”

“Look, I don’t know what it means. I just want to go and have fun. Whatever happens… happens.”

“Isn’t it going to be awkward? Us there together? I mean… we’d be watching people have sex together?”

I smile. “We’re adults so… I don’t know. Is that weird?”

“Yeah, that’s weird. And again,” his eyes widen, “Outlaw will literally shoot me.”

“He would not. He’s… I’d explain it to him.”

“You can’t explain that away.” He shakes his head and looks down. God, he’s hot. The kind of hot that’s not made anymore. Rugged, rough, wild. His beard is long, he’s covered in tattoos, and he wears these big, chucky rings. It’s artsy and bizarre, and I love the vibe.

“I’ve always liked that ring,” I say, pointing to a skull on his pointer finger. “Why did you pick it?”

He stares down at the silver ring and twists it in circles. “Thanks. I got it at this antique mall out in Oklahoma. I was taking a ride out through the prairie, and it called to me. I like the stars on the skull. It reminded me of how short time is.”

Maybe this is a bad idea. I do like Ruin and when he talks like this, I swear if he were to ever touch me, I’d be fine with keeping that secret.

I think.

It doesn’t matter, because I’m not asking him to the club so he’ll fuck me. I’m asking him because I thought he’d be the one person that would support me no matter what. Turns out, I was off base with this one.

I shake my head and turn back so I’m facing the mountains. “The whole idea is stupid. Sorry.”

“Don’t do that.”

“What? I’m not doing anything. I’m looking at the mountains.” I shrug. “You don’t want me to look at the mountains?” We both know I’m playing dumb.

“Yes, peach. Don’t look at the mountains.” This is the Ruin I love. The guy who doesn’t let me rile him up. “Let’s think this through. You’re twenty-three tomorrow. You want to do something crazy. In your mind, crazy is something sexual. Does it have to be specific to this club?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s an experience. I looked online and there are rooms where you can sit and watch people do all kinds of things, and if you’re asked, you can join. That sounds fun to me. I’m not asking you to watch. I just need moral support and security.” I’m not sure I believe that last part. This is most definitely an excuse to get him to think of me sexually, though I’m not sure I’ve truly admitted that to myself yet.

He laughs. “You want me to morally support you while you watch strangers fuck and maybe fuck them yourself?”

I smile and nod. “Yes! Now you’re getting it.”

His eyes roll. “You’re a pain in the ass.”

I lean onto his shoulder and drag in the scent that’s specifically him. “A pain in the ass you love, though.”

He grins. “A pain in the ass I love.”

My chest tightens when he says it. It shouldn’t. The love he feels for me is platonic, familial, not sexual. Too bad my heart never got that memo.

“I’ll think about it. Okay?” He groans and stares out at the lake. “But that’s all. I’m just thinking. No promises.”

I bite back a smile and a flutter rushes through me. “Okay… no promises.”