30. Ash

Igrip the steering wheel so tight that I’m losing feeling in my hands.

Kayla’s pregnant?!

My mind races and my heart pounds in my ears. I can’t form a coherent thought. I don’t know what to think or how to feel.

I continue to drive around aimlessly. I don’t know if driving is going to help me process this. I don’t know if I should even be behind the wheel right now.

Seeing Kayla again, it made my heart melt. I realized just how much I’ve missed her.

It broke my heart to see her cry. I thought it was just her forgiving me. It turns out it was a whole lot more than that.

All the feelings I’d tried to drown out since I left came rushing back as I held her in my arms. I didn’t want to let go.

I can’t believe she’s pregnant with my kid. I wonder if that’s why Jack invited me to the fundraiser. He must know. It finally clicks. That’s why he was acting so weird when I arrived. I thought it was because he’d found out about what happened between me and Kayla.

I don’t know what to do. Whatever I decide will also impact my friendship with Jack.

I feel awful for walking away from her, but I panicked. I couldn’t look at her and think clearly. I had no idea what to say.

I’ve always imagined being a dad, someday. It was always a very distant thing. Suddenly, it’s a very real thing that’s happening right now.

I wonder how long Kayla’s known. That must’ve been really hard on her. I wish I could’ve been there for her through all of this. I feel like such a jackass. On the other hand, I didn’t know.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been hockey. Could I really just go back to my normal life and forget that I have a child? I don’t think I could. I can’t be my dad. The thought hits me like a freight train.

Suddenly, it feels like a vise is around my heart. I can’t put Kayla through what my mom went through. I don’t want to commit to her if I’m going to end up leaving. I don’t want to be my dad in that aspect either.

Could I co-parent from another state? I’m sure we could make it work.

There are so many possibilities for how this could go. She could move to Minneapolis, and we could start our family there. That’s if she wants to be with me. She didn’t say she wanted to be with me. She just said I’m the father.

I heard her when she said she doesn’t want me to resent her. I don’t want that either.

I have to factor hockey into it as well. After what happened with Coach and the photo with Kayla, I’m tempted to walk away.

I don’t want to have regrets.

I sigh. My whole body feels heavy.

Would I regret going back to Minneapolis? Would I regret it if I didn’t give it a shot with Kayla? Would I regret giving up hockey? I have a few good years of hockey left in me, but I don’t know if my heart is in it anymore. I think I’ve been using it to feel connected to something.

After meeting Kayla, I’ve seen what a real connection is. It’s like I was using partying and hockey to fill a void I didn’t know was there.

I know what I want to do. I want to be with Kayla. I love her. The thought stuns me.

I stop the car on the side of the road. I love her. Of course, I love her. There’s no denying it.

I don’t want to fail her. I don’t want to screw this up. I’m worried I won’t be a good partner or father. I’ve never been a partner to anyone. I don’t know if I’m reliable enough.

I remind myself that I have control over myself and my actions. I can choose to be better than my father. I can choose to be a good partner even when I’m sleep-deprived.

I have no doubt I’ll do whatever it takes to look after Kayla and the baby. I just don’t know what I’m doing. I suppose no one really does. It’s one of those things you’re just thrown into.

The thought of being responsible for a tiny person’s life is daunting. I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I have about eight months to figure that out. If I’m doing this.

There’s so much that’s up in the air. If I want to be with Kayla, will she want to be with me? What if she turns me down and it’s awkward for the rest of the child’s life?

She’s the one who said it was a fling.

I know I need to talk to her and find out what it is she wants out of all of this. First, though, I need to figure out what I want.

I put my hands in my head. It’s a lot to take in. It’s overwhelming. I realize there’s someone I need to talk to. I grab my phone and call my mom. It doesn’t connect. Ugh, of course there’s no service out here.

I try to imagine what my mom would say. She would call me an idiot. She would tell me to step up and be a man. She would tell me not to be my father. She would probably remind me that I’ve been through a lot, and I can handle this.

I take a deep breath. I can do this.

As I drive the winding roads, I try to remember which direction I came from. I didn’t think about the fact that I don’t have a map or working phone. I see the sign for their farm and let out a sigh of relief.

There are cars lining the long driveway.

Tapping my hands against the wheel, I suddenly feel like I’ve had a lot of coffee. I don’t know if Kayla will want me. If I don’t tell her how I feel and go all-in, though, I know I’ll regret it.

I squeeze my hire car in a spare spot and get out of the car. The familiar scent hits me, and I remember how gross I thought it was when I first arrived. Now it just smells normal.

It’s funny how quickly this place has become familiar. I could be happy here. I will be happy here.

I spot Kayla among the crowd. She’s smiling but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

Wiping my sweaty palms against my jeans, I make my way through the crowd. I finally reach her, and her eyes go wide. It suddenly occurs to me that she didn’t know I was just going for a drive to clear my head. She must’ve thought I was bailing completely. I hate that she thought I would do that to her.

“Can we talk?”

She nods and keeps the fake smile on her face.

I follow her to the free space in front of the barn. I can feel eyes on us, but I don’t care. I step toward her, and she takes a step back. It stings, but I deserve it.

I pick at my nails. “I’m sorry I left. I just needed time to think.”

Tears well in her eyes, and all I want to do is hug her. I step forward, and this time she doesn’t move. I hold her hands, and my body heats up at her touch. I’ve missed this feeling.

“I’ve been miserable since I went home. I’ve been trying everything to attempt to get you out of my head, but nothing has worked.” I touch her face gently. “I know it’s not an excuse for how I acted, but I wanted to come back and make amends.”

She leans her head into my hand and sighs. A few tears fall, and I wipe them away. My heart races and I force myself to keep going, her gorgeous tear-filled eyes solidifying what I want to do.

“What you told me…” I glance over to the sea of people pretending not to be listening. I don’t know if she wants people to know, so I choose my words carefully. “The news you gave me shocked me, but this is everything I’ve been searching for. You are what I’ve been searching for my whole life.” I stroke her cheek with my thumb.

I can’t read her expression. I don’t know if this is going in the direction I hope it is. “If you’ll have me…” I look up at the sky. Tears threaten to come forward. It’s hitting me at this moment that I can have everything I want. I can have a baby with the girl of my dreams. I can be a father. I can right the wrongs of my past.

I start again. “If you’ll have me, I want to stay at the ranch and raise a family with you.”

I look deep into her eyes. The familiar electricity passing between us. She is all I want and need. “This is what I want my life to be.”

Tears stream down Kayla’s face. She steps away from the hand that her face was resting on.

Fear grips my chest. Oh, no. I misread everything. She doesn’t want me. I’m such an idiot. Why would she want me? She’s the perfect woman. I’m not even close to being in her league.

Tears continue to stream down her face, but she starts to smile. I don’t want to have hope, but I can feel it grow inside me. Stepping close to me, she puts her hand to my face. “I would love that more than anything.”

Oh, thank God. They were tears of joy. Relief floods me, followed by complete happiness.

Kayla grabs my face and brings my lips to hers. My heart skips as the familiar tingles spread through me. Her tears wet my face, and I smile against her lips.

She wants me. She wants us.

We cling to each other, and when we finally come up for air, all eyes are on us.