98

Kassie

Your Future, Not Ours

It was quiet out on the balcony and I could barely keep the smile off of my face. No one else was out here. And I knew Ryan well enough to know where this was going. No funny business though, I knew he had to stay on his best behavior during this.

"It was stupid and a mistake and it won't happen again," he assured me.

What?

I glanced up, surprised.

"I figured if I could distract you long enough, you'd forget about the interview, and I'd think of something," Ryan continued, regret laced in every word. "I'm sorry, Kassie. It was fucking stupid."

"Wait—" I paused. "You did what?"

Ryan glanced back, eyebrows furrowed.

"You…put together a whole plan to distract me for a day to get me to ignore one interview?" I was pretty sure I should've been angry but I couldn't be further than that. "Um…that's the most Scooby Doo convoluted plan I've ever heard, Ryan. Seriously."

The look of pure guilt on his face confirmed it but there was this weird feeling of pleasure that settled over me. Ryan wanted me to stay so badly, he'd do that. Or almost do it. He couldn't go through with it because he loved me.

I walked up to him, gazing up. "Why didn't you just talk to me, you dumb man?"

"You're…not upset?"

"I mean, it's one interview. If that doesn't work out, it's not the only apartment in Orlando. Pretty sure I'd be more upset if it was thought out better."

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "It was stupid. I panicked."

"Don't do it again," I warned him. "But I love you. You and your weird plans."

"Won't do it again."

"But, seriously. What were you thinking?"

"There is something I need to talk to you about," he told me. He drew me over to the balcony. "This is something I've thought through." He gazed down at me. "When I go in April…I want you to come with me."

For a long moment, I didn't understand what he meant. That was crazier than him sabotaging an interview.

"Go…where?"

"Wherever I go," he continued in slow, measured sentences. "I'll buy you a house. I'll buy you a whole neighborhood. Whatever you want. I just need you there."

I couldn't think of what to say. Because the very first instinct was to absolutely agree with it but I couldn't do that. I knew I couldn't. Quickly, I walked over to the balcony, past the heaters, to the cool air. If I could just think a little, I'd figure this out.

"What if you get sent to North Dakota or something?" I asked, shaking my head. "How am I supposed to finish up my classes?"

Ryan was silent for a long moment and a numb feeling overtook me.

"You—you want me to drop out of school? "

Oh, god. It was way farther than the interview distraction.

"Kassie." He stood next to me. "I'll buy you an art studio. Whatever you want. Anything you want."

Oh, god. We were too far off track and it was a splash of cold water on me. I drew in a slow breath. "I don't want that, Ryan."

"Anything. I don't care—anything."

"Ryan. I've worked…too hard to get here. And what happens if I—if I run off without you and it doesn't work out? I'm alone. I don't have a degree." I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to focus on the dull ache. "Why are you asking this?"

He took a deep breath. "I don't want only fifteen days during football season with you."

"No." I shifted away from him, trying to think. "No, I can't do that. Because I can't ask you to do the same thing. And—"

"I'd do anything for you," he insisted.

I turned back to face him. "But that's not true. If I asked you to go to Florida right now and throw balls around, you wouldn't do it. And I would never ask you to. Ever. I would never do that to you." I gestured back towards the glass doors. "This is your home, I couldn't take you away from—"

"It's not the same thing."

"Ryan, it's absolutely the same thing. And it sounds crazy because it is crazy."

"You're not listening to me."

"No. You're not listening to me. "

"That's not even close to the same thing," he repeated.

"How is it not?"

"Because mine pays the bills, Kassie."

For a long moment, I stared at him, shocked. It wasn't like he didn't pay for things—he did—and it wasn't like the actual football team wasn't paying for my checks out of the graphic design department but the casual way he said that told me everything he felt about my major.

His face cleared and he gazed down at me, all the surprise on his face. "I didn't mean that."

"How long were you waiting to pull that out?" I mumbled.

"Kassie—"

"Ryan, I don't have forty thousand people yelling my name every weekend," I said slowly, hurt curling my words like a paper, lit with a flame. "But I'm twenty-one. I'm still in college. I haven't even worked for a long term project yet, how could you say that?"

He gazed down at me, quiet.

"Just because I won't make as much as you doesn't mean my dreams aren't important," I whispered.

"I know."

"No. You don't."

"That's why I'd buy you an art studio."

"But that's not what I want. You know that." I put my head in my hands, my stomach hurting. "God, I thought you did."

"Kassie, I'm trying to think about our future."

"No. You're thinking about your future." I gestured between the two of us. "And I love you—I love you so fucking much I was willing to skip by your undermining me about the interview—but Ryan . I thought you understood." I squeezed my eyes shut, hurt so much, it was a physical ache in my chest.

His voice was soft. "Kassie."

The doors opened and people started streaming out to the balcony from the ceremony. I shifted up against the balcony, uncomfortable with the audience. But they could be just what I needed.

Everything in me was telling me to unsheath the claws. There were ten things I could say that I knew would hurt him as badly as he'd hurt me. Even worse than that, I could feel another comment bubble up.

You're right. You wouldn't be a good dad.

But I flinched the moment I thought it and squeezed the balcony, harsh breaths tearing out of me. Oh my god. That would hurt him so goddamn badly, it sent a pang through my heart.

I swallowed, hard.

"I'm so sorry," Ryan started to say but I stopped him.

"This is the part where I bitch you out in front of your friends," I said, my voice shaky. "This is the part where I say something and you'll regret all of this."

Ryan was silent and when I glanced up, he watched me, his eyes soft.

I shook my head, barely able to brush the tears away. "But I can't . I can't do it. I can't hurt you. So why is it so goddamn easy for you to hurt me?"

More people were walking over to the balcony, talking and laughing together. I didn't want to make a scene. It was so stupid but I didn't want to embarrass him and that meant sweeping away the girlfriend with the running mascara because she didn't think she'd need waterproof for tonight.

Quickly, I unclasped the bracelets off my wrist and shoved them into his suit pockets.

"Kassie, no." He tried to stop me but I slipped away from him. "These are yours."

"The breakup is supposed to be in a couple of weeks anyway," I told him.

His eyes widened.

I wiped my eyes, hurt, hurt, hurt. "Just move it up. Because I don't want to talk to you right now, Ryan. I don't want to say something I'll regret. And I don't want to not say something I wish I would've."