Chapter 64

DIANA

Icouldn't help but feel a sense of surrealism wash over me as I looked over at him. It had been so long since I had seen him. I obviously didn't forget what he looked like, but it was strange to be next to him, sharing air with him. He looked so good. I realized that, during the time we spent together, there was still a touch of gray to his skin. He looked radiant. His skin was tanned, and he just looked better. I couldn't put my finger on it, but he looked like a different man in a good way.

I wanted to hold him. Touch him. Kiss him. But that was our past. Yes, I still loved him, but we were moving forward. He had a lot to deal with and so did I. We both had things to do. I wanted him to know I would be there for him. I understood why we couldn't be together. I had come to a strange sense of peace about it. I knew the road ahead now. There wasn't a lot of uncertainty.

"How have you been?" he asked quietly. "I know there is so much I need to say. I just, well, I don't want to stir up any trouble for you."

"I'm good." I smiled.

"You must hate me."

"No, I don't," I said with a shake of my head. "I was angry with you, but I understand things a little better. I'm not going to dwell on that stuff. It doesn't do us any good."

He nodded and looked out the window. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I was a coward. I cut and run."

"It's in the past, Hudson. I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

"There is something I need to tell you," I said, my voice hesitant.

He glanced at me, his expression curious. "What is it?"

I took a deep breath, gathering my thoughts before speaking. "While you were away, I had some time to think," I confessed. "About us, about me, about everything."

He nodded, encouraging me to continue. I didn't really know if he cared. I thought he did, but I was sure I was part of his old life. I didn't know if there was ever going to be a place for me in his new life.

"So, I'll just cut to the chase," I said, feeling a surge of nervous energy coursing through me. "I messed things up with Troy. Badly."

Hudson's brows furrowed in concern. "What happened?"

I sighed, not sure how much I should say. "He told me he wanted to be more than friends," I said. "I had no idea he felt that way. We've always been friends and I could never see him as anything more than that."

"I know," he whispered.

"You know?"

"I know he was in love with you," he said. "He told me."

"Oh. Wait, he did?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "At his birthday party."

I remembered the night very well. How could I forget? It was one of the nights he'd been fine and then he wasn't. Troy's confession must have been the trigger.

"I had no idea," I said quietly.

"I know. You guys are friends."

So many thoughts ran through my mind. I remembered Hudson's goodbye note and his constant claim he would never be good enough for me. Troy. He assumed I was going to end up with Troy.

"I hurt him pretty badly," I said. "I still feel terrible about it. I didn't know things were going that way for him. They weren't for me. Ever. I have never felt anything more for Troy. He's my friend. Rather, he was. I don't know if that friendship will ever heal."

"I'm sorry, Diana," he said softly. "I know how much he means to you."

"The last time we spoke, he was very, very angry," I continued, my voice trembling slightly. "With some luck, we might get back to being the good friends we've always been."

Hudson listened quietly. "I hope he can forgive you," he said, his voice gentle.

I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. "I hope so too," I murmured.

"How is work?" he asked.

I laughed. "I quit."

"What?"

"I quit my teaching job. I'm no longer a teacher."

Hudson's eyebrows shot up in disbelief. "You quit your teaching job?" he repeated, his tone laced with incredulity.

I chuckled softly, nodding again. "Yep, sure did."

"Why?" he asked.

"I needed to do something for myself finally. No more trying to please my dad, or my parents, or my town, or even my own idea of who I thought I should be. I woke up one day and I realized it no longer made me happy. I felt like I was in the wrong life."

"Diana, is this because of what I did?"

I thought about it. "Yes, but that's not a bad thing. I needed to have my world shaken up. I wasn't living. Every day I was doing the same thing. Yes, I suppose I was content, but I wasn't really happy. I realized there was so much more I wanted to do and see. I don't want to live in the little box I've been assigned to. I'm out. I'm free."

I could see the surprise written all over his face. There was also a glimmer of admiration, perhaps, or maybe even a hint of envy. It was hard to tell.

"I see," he said. "I'm happy for you. Are you sure this is okay?"

"Yes." I laughed. "This is what I want to do."

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"Travel. I'm taking a very long vacation."

"You are?"

"I'm going on this trip alone," I continued, meeting his gaze head on. "But when I come back, I'm going to come back here to see you. And if you're in a good place, maybe we can grab dinner."

Hudson's expression softened, a hint of amusement dancing in his eyes. "Are you asking me out?" he teased, a playful smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I am, Hudson Bancroft," I confirmed, my heart fluttering in my chest at the thought of spending more time with him. I didn't want to push anything, but if he was ready, I was going to be there.

"I'd like that," he said. "We have a lot to talk about."

"I mean it, though," I added, my voice soft but firm. "You have to be in a good place, and you have to be ready. And if you're not, I completely understand, and I'll move on for good. It's your call. I know you have a lot of stuff going on. I don't want to get in the way. I don't want to be the one that messes up this journey you're on."

There was a moment of silence as Hudson processed my words, his expression unreadable. I held my breath, waiting for his response, my heart pounding in my chest. Would he accept my invitation? Or would he push me away once again?

Either way, I had to accept his answer. I'd done too much work on myself to crumble at his rejection. This trip I was about to embark on had been a dream in the back of my mind for too long, and now it was almost a reality. I could practically taste it. And I'd certainly felt the dent it made in my already small bank account. Lucky for me, my parents chipped in to give me a buffer if funds got low. With some diligent research, I'd planned out a way to make my trip affordable. Well, as affordable as travel could be these days. When I came home, I'd have to find a way to generate an income again. But that was a future me problem. Money came and went. I could always make more.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he spoke. "Thank you, Diana," he said, his voice rough with emotion. "For everything. I do want to see you. Dinner. Breakfast. Coffee. Whatever. Thank you for even giving me a chance to talk with you."

I smiled, feeling a surge of relief flood through me. "You're welcome," I replied.

"So, what's this trip you're taking?" he asked.

"I'm going to Spain," I began, my voice tinged with excitement. "But it's a one-way ticket. I'm going to stay in Europe and the UK and hop around for a month, maybe more. I'm going to follow my gut, maybe book a tour to meet some other travelers. I'm ready to carve out an experience for myself that I know I'll remember for a lifetime."

Hudson's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Wow," he murmured. "That sounds incredible."

I shrugged, a nervous fluttering in my stomach. "It's scary," I admitted. "But it's also exhilarating. And you know what? You inspired me."

He looked genuinely touched by my words. "I'm glad," he said simply, his voice sincere. "You deserve to see the world on your terms. The world is so much bigger than New York."

"And what about you, Hudson?" I asked, a curious gleam in my eyes. "What are your plans while I'm off exploring the world?"

Hudson hesitated for a moment, as if considering his answer carefully. "I have some things I need to sort out here," he finally said, his gaze returning to meet mine. "I'm out of the cage, but I'm still tethered. I have a therapist I'm supposed to be meeting with to make sure I don't reach for the bottle again."

"I understand," I said softly, sensing the weight of his words. "Take all the time you need. I'll be here when you're ready." A sense of understanding passed between us, a silent promise of patience and support.

Hudson nodded gratefully, a small smile playing on his lips. "Thank you, Diana. Your faith in me means more than you know."

"How do you feel?" I asked him. "Are you hopeful? Confident?"

He chuckled. "I'm probably supposed to say no. Part of what I learned was humility. I'm supposed to be humbler. Accept my flaws and all that shit. But the truth is, I do feel hopeful. And maybe even a little confident. It's a strange mix of emotions, but I think I'm finally starting to believe that things can get better. I am cocky. I am confident. I know me. I know myself better than before. I know my strengths and weaknesses. Yes, I drank too much. I did too much of everything, but I also know I chose to do it. I can make better choices."

I couldn't contain the smile that spread across my face at his words. "I'm so glad to hear that," I said genuinely. "You deserve all the happiness in the world, Hudson."

"I want to be better, for myself and for you. I want to be the person you see in me."

"I believe in you, Hudson," I said. "But I'm not going to get in your way."

"I understand," he said.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up in front of his high-rise apartment building in my shiny rental car. Too bad I had to give it back when I got to the airport. She'd been fun to cruise around in, but she'd only been a short-term rental to avoid paying the parking fees at the airport while I was gone. "Do you want to come in?" he asked.

"No, I have a flight to catch. But I wanted to see you before I left."

"Okay." He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Have the best trip, Diana," he said, his voice soft with emotion. "Please just be safe. Call me anytime. You might be halfway around the world, but if you need anything, I'll make sure you have it."

I smiled, feeling a rush of affection for him. "Thank you," I replied, knowing that his words were his way of telling me that he still cared about me, that he still loved me. "Take care of yourself. I want that dinner when I get back."

He grinned. "I'm going to hold you to that."

I watched him disappear into the building. My heart swelled with a mixture of hope and love. He looked good. I had spent the last weeks worrying about him. Seeing him, verifying he was in good health and was still the man I fell in love with made me so happy. I hoped this time apart was what we both needed. I pulled away and followed the GPS instructions to get myself to the airport. I was terrified to be embarking on the journey alone, but I wanted to be afraid. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and feel the rush of adrenaline. I had to spread my wings and learn to fly on my own.