4. Nora

FOUR

With this beingmy third year at Drayton Hills, I've learned to become very selective with my friends. Making them has always come naturally, and having my friends' back is the most important thing to me. There is nothing worse than feeling like you've got no one in your corner and no one to indulge in your delusions. I'm lucky to have friends like mine who are just as crazy as me.

Especially with this degree, I know people can stab you in the back at any given moment. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and part of me hates the fact that I love it so much.

I stayed close with Ryan and our friends Summer and Kiara until we broke up. I met Summer in high school and only met Kiara in the acting workshop we had before freshman year. I always knew Summer had a crush on him, but Ryan had chosen me, and there was little I could do about it. She's been off in Switzerland for the last two years, and we only see her around the holidays. I'm sure she'll jump at him the second she comes back.

Besides, being friends with someone first and then dating them is a disaster waiting to happen.

But Kiara Davenport is the one I know I can always trust. She might be extremely high-energy and the loudest person in our class, but she knows all the best ways to calm me down or to do the opposite.

Except for right now, as we walk to our final class of the day, she updates me on Ryan and Daisy like I actually give a fuck.

"You know, they've been dating for a lot longer than we thought," she says, bumping her shoulder into mine as she scrolls through her phone. Her dark curls fall in front of the screen, but she's somehow managing to navigate it and her way around campus.

"Do you mean a lot longer than you thought, Kie?" I reply, sighing. She blows a raspberry. "Why do you feel the need to tell me about what they're doing every day? I don't care. I've moved on."

She peers up at me, squaring her brown eyes. "Yeah, to who?" I just blink back at her with no response. "I saw you refreshing her feed in Jessop's class. You're not fully over it, and it's okay."

"I am, but whatever," I mutter, hitching my tote bag higher up my shoulder as we get closer to the auditorium. I've only got to put up with her and the rest of my class for an hour. I can do that. I can find out that I'm playing Angelica – my literal birthright – and get on with my day. This day has been a long time coming, and I can't wait.

"Look, all I'm saying is people will stop pitying you and treating them like a celeb couple once you start dating again," Kie explains, pocketing her phone. "People only care about Ryan and Daisy because they post constantly and weirdly... They look good together. Well, no offense to you, Nor. I think it's the whole good girl and bad boy look. I mean, she's got an insane resting bitch face, but in the rare photos where she's smiling, she's pretty cute."

I sigh, tilting my head back. There is nothing the theater kids love more than relationship drama. With people as loud and proud as Ryan and Daisy, everyone eats up whatever they feed them on their social media accounts. It's stupid, really. They're not celebrities or have famous parents. They're just theater kids from Colorado who somehow make enough things about them that people online and in-person care.

"If they both get the leads, I'm dropping out," I say, the nausea in my stomach increasing when I see how close we're to the auditorium. I can barely deal with Ryan outside of class, and having to sing and perform on stage with him would be my idea of hell.

"Oh, my parents would love that idea," Kiara laughs, linking her arm with mine as she sways us to the side a little.

I turn to her. "What do you mean, your parents?"

"If you drop out, I'm dropping out with you. There's no way I'm putting up with these animals on my own," Kiara explains, nodding down the hallway where most of our class hovers around the door, the holy grail of audition lists hanging above it.

It's normal to feel like my heart is pounding and like I'm going to throw my guts up, right? It's completely normal that I can feel every single vein in my body working its way through me. Like that's a normal thing to feel in my situation. I'm definitely not overthinking this. Right?

As if reading my thoughts, Kiara whispers, "Stop overthinking, Bails. Give your brain a rest. Your stress is going to become my stress, then we'll both be stressed, and it'll be one big ball of stress, and we'll never get married because everyone will know us as the two girls who are constantly stressing over nothing."

I only listen to half of that rant before my brain tunes her out as the crowd slowly disperses from the sheet. It's like the Red Sea is being split in two. Everything happens in slow motion, and it feels like I'm up on a stage and the curtains are opening. The light is shining down on me, and the crowd is cheering my name as they read it on the Playbill that I signed at the door.

Nora Bailey, it reads, starring as…

Eliza Schuyler.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I spentthe entire class zoning in and out, listening to my favorite teacher drone on about the importance of this musical as she played clips of Lin Manuel Miranda talking about the script. Twisting the star necklace my dad gave me around my neck isn"t helping like it usually would. My parents gave it to me for my tenth birthday, a silver star to remind me how much I shine. It's pathetic how dull I feel now in comparison to what my parents think of me.

Usually, I would be eating that shit up. Finding out the cast for our musicals is the thing that I look forward to every year, as well as the research trip we get to go on. They're supposed to be revolutionary, almost. It's supposed to be all I think about, in a good way. Not the way I've felt all day – like a ghost floating through this thing I'm supposed to call my life.

This isn't a big deal. I have the lead role. I have an important part, and I can't keep sulking about it. This is my favorite musical. It always felt like I was born to play Angelica since I watched the musical for the first time on a dodgy livestream. As much as Eliza's character is important to the story, I don't want to play the wife of Hamilton, who – we can all admit – is a huge fuckboy. Yes, he gets his redemption arc, but don't they all? I spent hours scouring the script, researching the history of the US Constitution I didn't care to think about until I watched it.

This was my chance to finally get back on the stage in the role I'd dreamed about and stop feeling like the dirt at the bottom of someone's shoe. It was supposed to be a step in the right direction with all the shit that went down with Ryan, and it feels like I've just been reduced to what I was when we first broke up. Nothing.

Adding salt to the wound, I haven't heard back from my agent in a few days over some self-tapes I submitted a few weeks ago, and the thought of not booking anything again is frightening. I've done a few commercials here and there when I was younger, but since I started college, it's been a lot harder to book a job. Now, without employment at BoBo's, I desperately need some sort of income. Even if it's something small from a YouTube series or something. I'll do anything at this point.

"If you don't stop working those gears in your brain, I'm going to personally drill a hole through your forehead and carve in a huge sign that says ‘Shut the fuck up.'"

I look up at Kiara, and I roll my eyes. I've somehow been mindlessly eating fries in this greasy diner while my mind runs a million miles an hour. I honestly don't know how I managed to move from campus and drive here without having a nervous breakdown. Keeping it together has been my new normal, and I don't know how long I can keep going with it.

"You are terrifying," I mutter.

She just grins, her brown eyes flashing. "I know. It adds to the allure," she explains with a flourish, gesturing to her face and her outfit. I wholeheartedly believe Kie is one of the most stunning people I've ever met – all brown skin, long curls, beautiful doe eyes, an adorable southern cowgirl look with a slight drawl to match. No wonder she's booked so many modeling gigs. I'm just waiting for the moment she appears on my screen in a silly Netflix Original.

"And what allure is that? You're practically allergic to relationships," I say, laughing as she steals one of my fries, covering it all in ketchup.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not allergic. No one has met my standards yet."

"Right," I mock. "Because it's absolutely ridiculous that not everyone can recite word for word the entire script of Les Mis."

"Exactly. There's got to be someone out there. I'm not settling for any less." She shrugs before picking up another one of my fries and pointing it at me. "And neither should you. It fucking sucked seeing you with Ryan when we both know you can do so much better than him. You're hot as shit, Bails."

"Why, thank you. Thank you very much." I give her a shy smile, tucking my hair behind my ears. I wish her words could just immediately evaporate the anxieties I have about dating again, but they don't. "If I'm being honest, I don't think that's going to happen for a while, Kie. So, you can call off any double dates you've been planning in your head."

She takes a long, dramatic sip of her milkshake. "Okay, fine, but you need to get out of this funk somehow. Seeing you sad every day, and now, with the stress of the musical, it's not your best look. I miss us going out and dancing with strangers in bars or staying in and filming videos for our imaginary YouTube channel. That was just fun. I miss that."

Sometimes, when Ryan and I would take ‘breaks,' it finally felt like I could be free. I didn't realize how much I needed my time with my girls until he disappeared on me. I always wanted to stay faithful to him because, at the time, I thought that mattered to him. Kie and I would end up at bars across the city, line-dancing with randos and feeling like the world was at our fingertips for the night. Then, we'd spend the rest of the weekend doing self-care and making videos out of it just to laugh at later.

"I miss it too, trust me, but I just don't think I'm cut out for anything serious right now."

"Fine," she concedes, which means it's not fine. She tries to sell me on those innocent-looking eyes, but I know they're not innocent either. "Why don't you just try sleeping with someone at least? Maybe a good fuck will straighten you out a little. You're wound too tightly, and it's honestly painful to watch, Nor."

"I'm not doing that either," I say, as good as the idea sounds. My fingers and toys can only do so much for me. Ryan could piss me off, but he was never bad in bed, which sucks balls now. "In the kindest way possible, I'm not you, Kie. You've been dating casually for years. I've only been in one real relationship in my life. I've only kissed three people in my life, two of which I've had some sort of relationship with afterward. I'm just used to commitment, and I think that freaks a lot of guys out if they're looking for a casual hook-up. A friends-with-benefits situation is the very last thing I can do."

She shrugs, grinning. "Well, don't knock it until you try it."

"The first time I sleep with someone who isn't my boyfriend will be the day you finally get into a serious relationship. So…" I pretend to think. "Never."

Kiara lobs a fry at me, frowning. "I hate you."

I smile. "I love you, too."