EIGHTEEN KIERAN

Kieran is starting to get really tired of being anxious.

He"s never felt like this in his entire life, this kind of all-consuming, constant anxiety, and he can"t wait for this whole thing to be over. He knows it"s mostly because he"s worried about Miles, but that"s not going to change until they finish this assignment and get the hell out of here.

Dinner wrapped up almost an hour ago, and Miles had leaned over after barely touching his food, whispering to Kieran that he needed some fresh air. He was gone before Kieran had a chance to even answer him, slipping out through the terrace doors in between the mass of uniformed butlers clearing plates.

He"s been out looking for Miles for at least forty-five minutes, doing his best to avoid getting pulled into conversations with everyone he bumps into, but it"s difficult to manage without drawing attention to himself, or to the fact that he"s looking for Miles. The last thing he needs to do right now is put himself under Blackwood"s scrutiny, not when they"re so close to being done with the whole thing. But Miles is seemingly nowhere to be found. He"s not on the terrace or anywhere in the gardens, not hanging off of Blackwood"s arm or even Ethan"s. Kieran"s starting to get really worked up when he catches sight of a path leading away from the gardens and into the forest.

He has no idea where else to look, and he"s already traced the other paths that are lit with lanterns, so he follows it. By the time the music from the party starts to fade away, Kieran"s annoyance is starting to morph into genuine worry.

Where the hell could Miles be? He can"t have just disappeared, and the last time he said he needed air was when Blackwood had drugged him.

He doesn"t want to think of the similarities right now.

Kieran rounds a bend in the path and stops in his tracks.

His annoyance flares bright again, pushing worry off to the side, and he marches straight up to where Miles is sitting on a rock off to the side of the path, looking up at the sky.

"Fucking hell, Miles," he snaps, scowling down at the man when he looks up. "You scared me half to death. What are you doing all the way out here?"

Miles stands with a sigh, brushing his hands off on his pants and running a hand through his hair. The movement knocks it loose of its careful styling, but he doesn"t seem to care.

"I needed some air," he answers. "And some time alone."

Kieran ignores the pointed look that comes with that statement, the stress of the entire time they"ve been on the island starting to rise in his gut. He could probably use some time alone, too, but neither of them can really afford that until all of this is done with. He huffs out an annoyed sigh, swallowing down an angry retort.

He wonders what changed Miles" mood so suddenly. He seemed fine on the way to the party. Did Blackwood say or do something?

Kieran just wants it over. The stress is really starting to get to him and, even though he knows it won"t go over well, he can"t stop himself from bringing up their only other option.

"You don"t have to go through with this," he says finally, his voice strained, keeping his eyes locked on Miles.

"Seriously? This again?" Miles scoffs, rolling his eyes. "I"m not pulling out of this. I feel fucking disgusting every time Blackwood looks at me, and I scrub my skin raw every night when I shower. I"m not going to let him make anyone else feel like that. I knew what I was signing up for."

Guilt sits heavily on the back of Kieran"s tongue. He hates that Miles is a part of this, hates that he didn"t put a stop to all of this before it even began. He should have refused, should have told Hendricks and Burke that involving Miles was out of the question.

Miles isn"t even making eye contact with him, and something in Kieran snaps. He stalks right up to Miles, inches from him, until Miles has nowhere to look but his face.

His hands curl into fists at his sides. It"s the only way he can stop himself from grabbing Miles and shaking him.

"It"s not your job to save everyone," he hisses.

"That"s exactly what my job is."

Miles is glaring at him, and Kieran can"t stop himself from huffing out an exasperated laugh.

"What about me?" Kieran asks, his voice cracking as desperation and anxiety and terror all cloud his thoughts. "Huh? What about me, Miles?"

"What about you?" Miles snaps.

Kieran explodes, his hands finding Miles" hips and squeezing tight. He has no control over himself as he herds Miles backward until he hits a tree, pressing him there. Miles is looking up at him with wide eyes, his hands reaching up to press against Kieran"s chest, but he doesn"t shove Kieran back, doesn"t stop him. Kieran"s entire body is shaking, and he has no idea what to do, whether to scream or cry or beg Miles to go back home, but when he opens his mouth, words just come tumbling out.

"What about how it makes me feel?" he whispers, his voice fraught with frustration, sharp and shaking. "I have to sit and watch and do nothing. I have to pretend I"m fine with seeing you scared. I have to pretend I"m fine watching him and Ethan put their hands on you, like it doesn"t make me so mad I want to scream."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Miles snarls, his hands fisting in Kieran"s shirt, pulling him just a fraction closer.

Kieran freezes then, just for a second, but there"s only one way to answer that question.

He yanks Miles forward, pressing a furious kiss to his mouth, angry and desperate, all teeth and tongue and clawing hands, trying to show Miles exactly what he means. This is the only way he could ever possibly say it. He needs Miles to feel it, needs Miles to understand how much it all hurts, how much he aches every time he sees Miles lean into someone else"s touch when all he wants is to hold him close and never let him go.

Miles stiffens for a second, shocked still in Kieran"s arms, and Kieran almost pulls back. But then Miles moans into his mouth, his lips moving against Kieran"s, and he wraps a hand around the back of Kieran"s neck, pulling him impossibly closer.

His movements feel just as desperate and frantic as Kieran knows his own are.

The movement of Miles" mouth against his is electric, nothing like any kiss they"ve shared before. This one is real, not just an indulgence, but a statement. Kieran hopes it feels like the plea that it is.

He wants Miles so desperately, and this is the only way he can show him.

They rut against each other, Kieran tugging one of Miles" legs up to wrap around his waist so he can roll their hips together, the friction going straight to his core. His cock throbs in his pants, and he breathes a groan into Miles" mouth. He sinks his teeth into Miles" bottom lip, drinking down the little whimpering moans Miles lets out as he arches into Kieran"s every movement. His nails scratch at Kieran"s scalp, his other hand already yanking at his belt with clumsy, distracted movements.

"It means you should only have my hands on you," Kieran groans possessively, the words falling into Miles" mouth as he chases them with a vicious kiss. "Only my mouth. I want you to be mine."

Kieran has no control over what he's saying, but Miles doesn't seem to mind as he whimpers sweetly at it. Kieran pulls back just fair enough to tug Miles" belt open, fumbling with his fly as their lips crash together again, both of them clawing at each other. He has no clue how long he"s actually been wanting this, but it feels like his whole life at this point. It"s been so long that it"s more than a want, it"s a frantic, gut-deep need now, something he doesn"t think he"ll be able to breathe without. A shudder rips down his spine when Miles gets a hand in his pants, callused fingers wrapping around his cock.

He gasps into Miles" mouth, hips jolting forward into Miles" grip even as he struggles to get his own hand around Miles. He moans when he does, drinking down Miles" sobs of overwhelmed pleasure.

It"s so much, so good, he can"t even think.

All Kieran can do is want, and god, does he want.

Miles" hand is firm around him, and they stroke each other in tandem, gasping praise and pleas into each other"s mouths. Kieran hopes to hell that he manages to keep up any sort of rhythm, but he can hardly think as pleasure courses through him.

Miles is hard and leaking in his hand, his back arching and his thigh trembling around Kieran"s waist. Kieran doesn"t think he"s ever seen anything so beautiful in his entire life, and he tries so hard to keep his eyes open even through the onslaught of pleasure as Miles" fingers twist around the head of his cock. He gasps out Miles" name, tossing his head back as he fucks his hips forward, wishing he could be inside of Miles right now. Miles" breath is hot on his throat as he pants out pleas and whimpers, both of them desperately chasing release.

Kieran"s entire body goes stiff as the wave of his orgasm crashes over him, and he feels Miles" teeth sink into the curve of his jaw as he follows Kieran over the edge.

It feels like a claim, and Kieran shakes as aftershocks course through him, his entire body settling. He leans forward on his arm, propping himself up against the tree just enough to not crush Miles.

They pant against each other as they come down, their hands both sticky with each other"s spend. Kieran presses a soft kiss to the top of Miles" head and helps him to do his pants back up. He tugs his own zipper up, buckling his belt.

As he wipes his hand off on his pocket square, Kieran realizes what he's just done. Did he just…force himself on Miles? Jesus, he didn"t even ask, just pressed him against a tree and took what he wanted.

He remembers how Miles placed his hands on his chest when he first pushed him against the tree, terrified that he was too worked up to feel Miles trying to shove him off.

Kieran's earlier panic pales in comparison to what slams into him now, the scrap of fabric dropping from his fingers and fluttering down to fall onto the forest floor.

He casts a horrified look at Miles, whispering his name as he leans down. It takes a long moment, and when Miles lifts his head, Kieran sees fear written on his face.

Soul-deep terror crashes down on Kieran, and he stumbles back a step, his entire body going numb. He can hardly even see, his heart pounding so hard his vision grays around the edges. His eyes fill with tears as he realizes that he"s no better than Blackwood, and he stumbles over a tree root as he takes a step back. Disgust floods his veins, and he wants to throw up, apologies tumbling from his lips, the words jumbled together. He has no idea what to do, so he does the only thing he can do.

He runs.

He turns tail and flees, ignoring it when Miles calls out his name in that heartbreakingly teary voice. He"s terrified of having hurt Miles. He"s just done exactly what he"s been so afraid someone else would do, and the only person he can blame is himself. He"s never been so disgusted with anyone in his entire life.

He"ll lose Miles over this. He"ll lose Chloe, too. They"ll both be horrified and repulsed by him, and he"ll deserve every second of it.

There"s no way for him to make this better.

He"s a monster.