ONE KIERAN

January 2015

Kieran glances up as Chloe and Miles make their way into the house. They"re both laughing, nudging each other with their shoulders as they carry bags loaded with snacks and drinks. He grins at the two of them as they gripe at each other, tossing affectionate insults back and forth.

Miles" eyes find him first, and Kieran smiles widely. The fading sunlight is casting a glow over Miles" face, his hair shining in the soft winter rays. He"s all bundled up in at least three sweaters, and Kieran recognizes the scarf around his neck as one their mom got Chloe for her birthday a few years back.

So that"s where that went.

Miles almost immediately trips over his own shoelaces as he smiles back at Kieran, just barely managing to keep himself and stop the contents of his bags from spilling everywhere.

"You"re such a clutz," Chloe laughs, rounding the kitchen counter and placing her own bags down while Miles gathers himself.

"Says the one who ran over her own toes with the shopping cart, like, six times," Miles shoots back, grinning widely.

He sets his bag next to Chloe"s, beginning the task of rifling through everything.

"We just went grocery shopping a few days ago," Kieran says from the table, his brow arching in amusement. "You two stocking up for the apocalypse or something?"

Chloe sticks her tongue out at him, sneering in a way that can only be properly pulled off by a younger sibling. Kieran laughs at her, rolling his eyes.

"It"s for Miles" birthday party, genius." She lobs a single grape at him from the bowl on the counter, and he manages to catch it in his mouth, grinning widely at her as he pops it between his teeth. "His parents are out of town, like always, so we"re celebrating him turning into a real boy."

Kieran blinks in surprise for a moment, glancing at the calendar on the fridge. He hadn"t realized January was already on them, much less that it was already Miles" birthday. Guilt flashes through him for a second before he firmly stomps down on the feeling.

He and Miles hardly even actually know each other. Miles is his sister"s friend, not his. Not really.

But when he looks up, Miles is smiling at him hesitantly, picking at the label on one of the soda bottles like he"s anxious.

"You could join," he offers, not quite meeting Kieran"s eyes. "The party, I mean. We got plenty of stuff."

Plentyis an understatement. Chloe laughs at him, taking the bottle from his hands and bringing it to the fridge.

Kieran ignores the excitement bubbling in his stomach, smiling hesitantly at Miles. He"s not sure why he almost feels like he"s struggling between fight or flight, but his heart is racing in his chest and it feels a little hard to breathe properly. So he does what he does best, and he deflects.

"I have some plans that I can"t cancel on," he says, doing his best to sound reluctant to leave instead of terrified to stay, "but I can join when I get back later."

Miles" smile slips for half a second, just barely long enough for Kieran to see it, but he recovers in the next moment, nodding agreeably.

"Yeah, no rush or anything," Miles says. "I just figured I should invite you."

It"s not entirely convincing.

Miles" attention is stolen by Chloe in the next second as she whines at him to help her put stuff away instead of just chatting. He laughs easily, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and Kieran tries his best not to be jealous.

He doesn"t mean anything by it, not really. Miles is just a sweet guy, and anyone who gets his attention probably feels like the sun is smiling right at them, too.

It can"t just be Kieran.

He was honestly kind of dreading the chores he needed to finish up with in town, especially since the forecast has been threatening snow all day, but now the thought of getting out of the house feels like a weight off his chest. It"ll give him a second to get his head on straight, at least. And he really should get Miles a present. There"s no way he could show up to Miles" eighteenth birthday party empty-handed.

It would be in poor taste.

He heads upstairs as Chloe and Miles goof off in the kitchen, and pulls a well-worn sweater from his closet when he reaches his room. It"s an old thing, dark navy with tan elbow patches. He"s sewn it back together more times than he can count, but he doesn"t think he"ll ever get rid of it.

A quick peek through his window shows that the snow hasn"t made an appearance yet, so Kieran decides to forgo gloves, but wraps a scarf—one that matches the one their mom got Chloe, the one Miles is wearing—around his neck. His chores shouldn"t take him long, but the sun won"t be up for much longer, and the temperature will tank as soon as it"s gone. He"d rather have the scarf if he needs it than shiver his whole way back home. It has nothing to do with the fact that it matches the one Miles had wrapped around his own neck when he came in the house.

He decides to walk downtown instead of taking his car, wanting to have a little time just for himself today. Fresh air always helps clear his mind, and he likes to walk.

All he really needs to do is drop something off at the post office, and, of course, buy Miles a present, so he won"t be out for that long. The question now is what the hell he should get Miles.

He thinks about it as he walks, only half paying attention to the guy at the post office as he ships out the paperwork the agent who had contacted him asked for. It still doesn"t feel quite real, to have an actual agent asking to represent him. He"s still in the mindset of just being some random person on a community theatre stage, not an actor with an agent.

Right now, though, he"s just a person who needs to buy a birthday present.

Something music-related would probably be good for Miles, but Kieran doesn"t really know all that much about music. Sure, he could always just ask Chloe, but he wants this to be personal.

He wants to get it right himself.

As he wanders down the street, his eyes catch on the front window display of a bookstore across the street. He laughs to himself, crossing the street and stepping inside, heading straight for the stack.

The book is titled How To Be A Rockstar And Not An Asshole, and it looks right up Miles" alley. Kieran brings a copy to the counter, carefully selecting a box and wrapping paper, even a gaudy bow to go with it.

His spirits are high as he makes his way back home, and he rolls his eyes when he makes his way up the driveway, grinning good-naturedly. He can hear the music from the outside, but the neighbors won"t make a fuss about anything. Even if they do, Kieran can probably smooth any ruffled feathers.

Miles deserves to have fun for once. The bullying at school has died down a bit now that Miles is a senior, at least from what Kieran knows, but even if he"s not getting calls to rescue Miles in the middle of a park after getting beaten half to death, he has no doubt the kid still gets shit for his sexuality.

People can be cruel, especially to those who don"t deserve cruelty.

He pulls his scarf off as he steps through the front door of his house and drapes it over one of the hooks on the wall. It"s more packed than he expected, but he guesses Chloe"s always been pretty popular and Miles is easy to get along with, regardless of people"s prejudices. Plus, it"s still winter break, so people probably have nothing better to do.

At first glance, he doesn"t see either his sister or her best friend. In fact, most of the faces mingling in his living room are unfamiliar. He recognizes a few here and there, but no one whose name he even remembers. As he weaves his way through the crowd, the carefully wrapped box held close to his chest, he finally catches sight of Chloe.

It takes him a while to get to her, doing his best to avoid the half-drunk stumbling of high schoolers and rogue ping-pong balls scattering on the floor. She"s leaning against the kitchen counter when he finally gets to her, laughing in a circle of her friends.

Kieran vaguely recalls seeing a few of them before, but only once or twice, so he focuses his attention on his sister.

"Cece, what the hell are you drinking?" he asks, doing his best impression of a stern, disapproving older brother.

She pulls her attention away from her friends, raises an unimpressed brow, and tosses back the rest of what"s in her plastic cup with a hissed exhale.

"Milk," she answers, grinning widely. "So I can grow big and strong like you."

Kieran snorts out a laugh at that, rolling his eyes as Chloe"s friends dissolve into a fit of giggles around her.

"Uh-huh," he drawls, shaking his head. "As long as you"re not driving."

She gets a bit more serious at that, which Kieran is grateful for. He knows Chloe is smart, but it"s nice to be reminded that she knows it, too.

"No one who"s had anything to drink is driving anywhere, pinky promise."

He obediently hooks his pinky around hers with a grin when she holds her finger out to him, sealing their promise.

"Alright, where"s the birthday boy?" Kieran asks, glancing around again.

Chloe"s grin grows sly at that, and she glances at her friends conspiratorially. They all giggle, suddenly very interested in their drinks instead of making flirty faces at Kieran. Kieran glances back and forth between them all, puzzled at the odd reaction to what he thinks is a completely reasonable question.

"I think he"s upstairs," Chloe tells him breezily, shrugging and walking around Kieran toward the fridge to pull out a soda. "Said he needed to get something from his bag, so he"s probably in my room. He"ll be back down sometime."

Her voice is still casual, but there"s something in her tone that makes Kieran"s brow furrow in confusion. He"s probably reading too much into it, so he just nods.

"I"ll go change, then," Kieran says, waving as he backs away, "and I"ll give him his present when he"s done."

He thinks he hears one of the girls say something as he starts up the stairs, but it"s immediately followed by a chorus of drunken giggles. He promptly decides he doesn"t want to know.

The lights are all off upstairs, which strikes Kieran as weird, but it"s not like Miles doesn"t know his way around. All the curtains are open, anyway, so the moonlight offers enough light to see comfortably. Kieran makes his way toward his bedroom, down the hall opposite Chloe"s, but as he gets closer, he realizes the door to Chloe"s bedroom is open. If Miles is in there, maybe he should just give him the present now and save himself from having to go back down into the fray of things.

He"s never really been a party animal.

Decision made, he turns toward Chloe"s room, raising a hand to knock on the door. Before his knuckles touch wood, though, he hears something and his entire body freezes. He stands still, inches from Chloe"s door, his eyes slowly adjusting to the difference in illumination. His face flames as soon as he realizes what he"s looking at.

It feels like time slows, his heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears.

There are two people on the floor of Chloe"s room. Miles, and someone whose face is deep enough in shadow that Kieran can"t make out who it is from the doorway. Miles is sitting on the other guy"s lap, kneeling on top of him.

He"s kissing him.

Kissing is a tame word, really.

Miles" hands are in the guy"s hair, their bodies pressed tightly together. The guy"s hands are on Miles" waist, pulling him close, bunching in the fabric of his sweater, running down his back to squeeze his ass. Miles is moaning into the guy"s mouth, giggling when the guy shushes him, telling him not to get them caught.

Kieran"s mouth is dry, his stomach in knots. All traces of his good mood evaporate instantly, and Kieran clenches his jaw shut tightly, forcing himself to take two silent steps backward.

A breath rushes back into his lungs the second he can"t see them anymore, and Kieran swallows hard, realizing his hands are shaking.

Is Miles drunk? Does he know this guy? Is the guy taking advantage of Miles?

As soon as those thoughts register, Kieran"s hand balls into a fist, and he takes a step forward, worry clouding his thoughts. He"s stopped before he makes it into the room, once again.

"Please, c"mon, don"t tease me."

It"s Miles" voice, breathy and excited. He sounds completely sober.

Mortification rockets through Kieran, and he turns and flees, his vision blurring with some undeniable urge to get the hell out of here. He needs air, needs the chill of the night against his skin, needs to get away from the throng of people in his living room.

Thankfully, he doesn"t run into Chloe on his way out, managing to escape into the empty driveway without anyone trying to stop him. His feet carry him down the driveway, then further down the road, then out to the old bridge that he hasn"t bothered to stop by since he graduated. He doesn"t slow until he"s halfway across the bridge, his racing thoughts finally slowing, his breathing settling back to a normal rate. He looks across the water, sniffling against the cold.

He goes to put his hands in the pockets of his coat, glad he hadn"t taken that off when he went inside, but his right hand gets stuck halfway in.

Glancing down, his stomach knots in on itself again when he sees the carefully wrapped box, now rumpled in his grasp. The wrapping paper is torn and crinkled, the bow off center. The name tag Kieran had written out is nowhere to be seen.

It probably blew off in the wind somewhere along the walk here.

Kieran shudders, swallowing hard as he looks down at the box. He feels his throat tighten a bit, and he forces out a cough, insisting to himself that it must be the cold hurting his throat.

His eyes land on a trashcan on the other side of the bridge, and without a second thought he walks over to it and tosses the box into it. He forces himself to keep walking past it, shoves every thought that he can out of his mind, and focuses on the road ahead of him; the quiet whistle of wind between the trees.

It"s starting to snow now, and he stuffs both hands deep into the pockets of his coat. He wishes he hadn"t taken his scarf off when he got home.

Not that he"s not sure he"ll ever wear it again.