38. CHAPTER 38

38

KAI

It’s getting late and neither Simon or Jules are back, which I’m thankful for. I needed the quiet to think. Since I arrived here it’s been a rollercoaster, always something happening or someone around. I haven’t heard from Dima either, surprising, considering he wants me gone. He won’t have to worry as I’m gonna leave. It’s better to jump than be pushed. Jules and I are a fantasy, Dima was right, we could never work and Mom would never accept us, no matter what we said to try and convince her. Let’s say me and Jules did leave on our own to start again, what would happen to me if he changed his mind and decided I wasn’t worth the time? I’d be left with nothing and no one.

As I snuggle further into my pillows with the comforter covering me up to my nose, hoping I get some sleep, the sound of the front door echoes around the house. I can hear muted conversation, Simon and Jules, no doubt. Their voices get closer, and I recognize Simon’s door across the hall from mine shut and the light in my room brightens as the door slowly opens. I keep my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. Jules doesn’t talk or check if I’m awake. As usual, he does what he wants, which from the sound of the shuffling of his clothes, is to undress and join me in bed. This is a first.

He climbs in behind me and pulls my body tightly into his, trapped between his arms and legs. It’s the most intimate act we’ve done and I can’t allow myself to enjoy it like I want to. It’s a natural instinct in me to want to be close to him. He falls asleep pretty quickly, while I have no such luck. I’m wide awake and my brain is in hyperdrive, overthinking everything.

I check my phone and I see that an hour and a half has passed since Jules fell asleep. I untangle myself from his arms, and look over my shoulder to make sure he’s still asleep. He looks so peaceful, like a man that sleeps with a clear conscience, which is hilarious when you look at who he is and what he does. Very gently, I pull my legs away and swing them over the edge of the bed, placing my pillow in the spot I laid in. Jules is dead to the world, and now I know this is my chance to leave.

I tiptoe into my bathroom, using my cell phone light to find the bag I packed earlier, and quickly scoop up my toiletries and pack them up with my clothes. I grab the pants and hoodie I left laying out on the side of the bathtub and quickly dress. When I have everything, I walk back into the room where Jules still sleeps and take my last fill of the man I’m completely in love with. This is it. I’m actually walking away.

With small careful steps, I walk down the hallway to the front door, put on my shoes, and grab my coat off the rack. As I hoped, Jules’s car keys are in the bowl on the hallway table. He’ll go mad, but I don’t have access to another car. The front door opens and closes quietly, no sign of anyone moving in the house, so after locking the door behind me, I make a run for the car. All of the lights are off in the main house, and the only noise is the wind in the trees and the nocturnal animals starting their day. The moon again is bright tonight, lighting my way to the front of the property.

Before I know it, I’m in the car, engine on and ready to go. My stomach twists, making me hesitate for a brief second. It’s like I’m leaving a part of myself behind, the magnetic energy between us already trying to pull me back into that warm bed with him.

No, this is for the best.

I watch the mansion fade into the night as I drive further away. I had no plans on where to go, but I know where I want to go. Home. I need to see my mom, and surround myself with familiar things that I took for granted. Am I a little concerned about the whole Zac situation? Yes. But not enough to stay away. I’m sure as long as I stay out of their way, things will be good. It’s not as if they would know I’m home, the road I live on doesn’t lead to anywhere they hang out. I connect my music to the wireless and settle in for the three hour drive.

Things will feel better once I get some distance.

Liar, liar, liar.

Just over three hours later, it’s the early hours of the morning and I pull up onto my mom’s driveway. It’s actually really good to be back home, I didn’t realize how much I missed it until now.

Using my key, I quietly let myself in, and straight away I’m swallowed up in the comforting house smells that’s everything Mom. I remove my shoes at the entrance hall and creep down to my bedroom, closing the door gently behind me. Everything is as I left it, like time has stood still. Being back now feels like I never left, the only difference is that the issues I had here are now new problems I’ve brought home. Issues I won’t be able to discuss with my mom. It sucks.

Without undressing, I collapse onto the bed and cover myself with the comforter. The long drive has exhausted my brain enough that I have no problem drifting off.

I have no idea how long I sleep, but a gentle shake of my arm has me waking up to see my mom sitting on the edge of my bed. A frown is etched on her face, probably wondering what the hell I’m doing here.

“Kai, are you okay? Why didn’t you call to let me know you were coming home?”

“It was a last minute decision. Good to be back though,” I say as I sit up and give her a hug, and fuck do I need it. I want to cry, but manage to hold it in as all I seem to do lately is cry.

That’s because you’re weak.

“I’m happy you’re home, but are you sure everything is okay? You seem…I don’t know…sad,” she says when I pull back, and she lovingly watches me. Always looking out for her son.

“Things have just been stressful, I needed a break. I’ll only be here a couple of days,” I say. She’ll assume I’ll be going back to Grinston, but in truth I have no idea where to go.

“Why don’t you get cleaned up and I’ll make us some breakfast before I have to go to work.”

“Sure.”

Mom leaves the room, and before I head to the shower, I tentatively check my phone, waiting to see dozens of messages from Jules. Nothing. Not surprising, I suppose. It’s six-thirty in the morning, so he won’t be up yet. Dragging my tired ass out of the bed, I cross the narrow hallway and start my morning routine. Shower, brush my teeth, shave, piss and talk to myself in the mirror. I look so damn tired, my eyes have dark circles and there is sadness in them that’s difficult to ignore. I try to keep my eyes focused on my face, because I don’t want to look lower, knowing my marks have faded. The hickey is still visible on my neck, but as I give in and stare at my torso, a wave of sadness and loss drowns me at the barely there bruises. I feel naked without them. Lonely without the tenderness and proof of ownership. This is it. Jules doesn’t own me anymore and it fucking kills me. This is so stupid and unhealthy. Who the hell wants to be covered in hickeys and handprints so that they can feel whole? I rub my face hard with both hands, shaking myself out of this low mood, and turn my back on the mirror.

Returning to my room, I quickly dress in my jeans and a sweater, then walk out into the kitchen, which is open-plan with the living and dining area, and start to make a pot of coffee. Mom enters the kitchen about five minutes later, dressed for work. She works as a receptionist at a local car dealership, which she really enjoys.

“What do you fancy? Pancakes? Sausage?”

“I’m not hungry, thanks. Coffee will be fine.”

Mom pins me with that look, she’s about to dig as she knows something is wrong and her patience has come to an end.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I told you, I’m just tired and needed a break.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Kai. I don’t have time this morning. What’s happened? Have you fallen out with Jules? Do you hate the job?”

“I haven’t fallen out with him, but he’s…a lot. Controlling. I don’t know, he and some of the others treat me like a kid and it’s tiring trying to convince them I can do the work.”

“Oh, honey. It’s always hard when you first start a job, it’s not unusual to hate it at first while you try to find your feet. I’m sure Jules is just trying to help. They always say you should never work with family.”

I want to correct that statement as he isn’t family. He’s the love of my fucking life who I hate. Maybe not hate, but really dislike right now. Why hasn’t he called yet? Fucking hell, now I’m upset that he hasn’t called when I up and left in the middle of the night. I’m a mess.

“You’re right. I’ll be fine after a couple of days away.”

“Are you sure? I can have a word with Jules, I don’t mind.”

“No! No, I’m an adult, I can handle it.”

“I know you can. Well, now that you’re home, I’m gonna try and get the afternoon off so we can spend some time together, they owe me after all the extra hours I’ve worked. Then you can tell me about the girl or boy who gave you that nice hickey.”

My hand flies to my neck and I flush like a teenager caught hooking up by their parents.

“Nice try, Mom,” I say as I move over to her and give her a hug. This is exactly what I needed. “An afternoon together sounds perfect.”

This is what it must be like being a sloth. I don’t think I’ve ever just laid around the house doing nothing. I’m bored and I’m hungry, but I want to wait until Mom gets back so we can have lunch together. She texted me earlier to say they were letting her off at lunch for the rest of the day, which will be great for us both to reconnect. Just as I’m about to lay down on my bed, my phone rings and a coldness runs over my flesh. Don’t tell me how, but I know it’s Jules. My hand clenches, desperate to reach out and talk to him, but I’m too stuck in self doubt and fear. It’s better to lose him now than later down the line when he realizes he wasted his time on me. Just as the ringing stops, it starts all over again. The annoying sound grates on my nerves, so I do the most mature thing and rather than facing my problems, I silence them. I silence the call and set my phone into ‘do not disturb’ mode. Ignorance is bliss. Pocketing my phone in my jeans, I leave my room to go grab a drink from the fridge. I need something to do so I don’t call him back. As I’m at the fridge grabbing some orange juice, the front door sounds and I look around the corner, relieved that Mom may have been let go earlier than I thought. As I walk into the living room, I nearly drop the cold glass of juice onto the floor, because standing right in front of me is Jez and Zac, and it doesn’t look like this is a welcome home party. Zac looks like he normally does, unwashed and gunning for a fight. His dull, doped up eyes stare at me with nothing but hatred. Jez looks unfamiliar to me now, he always was friendly and happy to see me, but now his hazel eyes hold just as much resentment as his brother’s. They warned me not to come back, but I honestly didn’t think they’d know, considering I’m driving Jules’s car and I haven’t gone into town.

“Why are you both here?” I ask, trying to keep my voice as level as possible to hide the rising nerves in my gut.

“I was about to ask you the same thing. Didn’t we warn you not to come back?” Zac says as he walks around the room, running his dirty fingers over the back of my mom’s sofa. The whole move makes me uneasy, especially with Jez just standing there, glaring at me and not saying a word. I place my glass down on the table and shove my hands into my pockets, hoping to come across as non threatening.

“I’m only here for a couple of days, and I just thought you were angry. I’m not sure why you’re upset. You don’t need me.”

“You were part of the gang, Kai. Brothers. You can’t just leave with no word. You abandoned your position, which puts us in a bad spot. One man down, one man less bringing in the cash. You’re a deserter,” Zac says as he walks back to the middle of the room to stand next to Jez.

“Deserter? It was hardly a cartel. We were just friends who hung out and did shit,” I say.

“You really are a dumb fuck if you think I’d believe that. I fucking hate guys like you. You always looked down your nose at us, thinking you were better. Complaining when asked to do anything, too weak to follow through on the hard stuff.”

“So why does it matter that I left?” I say, giving that sentence more sass than I should given that it’s two on one.

“It matters because you broke code, and also because I hate you. Look at you in your nice new clothes and expensive car, not giving a shit about the boys who’ve been there for you and giving you everything you needed to survive.”

“I was gonna end up in prison if I continued hanging around you. Hardly providing me with a good life.”

“It was better than nothing. I mean, you were born to a loser teenage mom and a dad who didn’t stick around to meet you. You had to bring in the cash somehow so your mom had a reason to keep you around. I mean, since you left the poor bitch is still struggling to get by. But don’t worry, we’ve been keeping an eye on her.”

“What do you mean you’ve been keeping an eye on her?”

“Just making sure she’s safe at work and that she gets home okay. She seems a little lonely though. I might have to join her one night, help keep her bed nice and warm.”

“Don’t you fucking touch her!”

“Why not? Nobody else wants her. I’d say she’s free game.”

“Get out you sick fuck. I’ll call the police, you can’t just break in here and threaten us,” I say, taking a step back toward the front door.

“The door was unlocked. And I’m not threatening you, that implies I’ll change my mind. Jez.”

Too distracted by having my full focus on Zac, I didn’t notice Jez move before he clocked me in the face, knocking me off balance enough for him to stand behind me, and lock my arms behind my back. Zac walks forward until he is a breath away from me, his stink makes me want to throw up, but I’m stuck, unable to move anywhere.

“Weaklings always get what they deserve, fucker,” Zac says as my breath hitches and my eyes widen, shock taking control over my body. A searing pain pierces my stomach and my eyes look down at the knife now sticking out of my body. It’s agony, like a bolt of lightning, sharp and intense, radiating around the knife lodged in my gut. Zac pulls the knife out and I grab hold of the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. As I look up at Jez, betrayal floods my heart as he stares at me with no remorse or care for what’s just happened.

“Why?” I rasp at him.

“You deserved it. I hope it fucking hurts, you piece of shit, and don’t worry, we’ll look after your dear mom,” he says, then they both bolt out of the door.

I land onto my front, unable to hold myself up. A sudden overwhelming heat spreads through my body before morphing into a coldness, as if the life is starting to drain from me. I manage to grab my phone from my pocket and with bloodied shaking fingers, press the return call button to Jules. Tears stream down my face, I’ve fucked up so much in my life, maybe this is for the best. Jules’s phone calls out until it reaches his voicemail. Just my luck I won’t get to talk to him. My breathing becomes labored and my phone that’s now rested on the floor, I pull myself closer so my mouth reaches the mouthpiece.

“Jules…I–I-I’ve been s-s-stabbed. L-l-l-love you, i-it h-hurts,” I say, my words slurring.

The initial shock of what’s happened turns into a throbbing ache. Every heartbeat sends a wave of hurt through the knife wound, fluctuating between sharp and dull. Each breath becomes a struggle, I’m losing so much blood. Time stretches as I fight to stay conscious. I’m aware of a voice talking to me and I’m not sure if it’s someone in the room or I’ve died. Hands grab me and I’m vaguely aware of being turned over. Fortunately, the stab wound doesn’t hurt as much as it did. I just want to sleep.

“Kai! Kai! Keep awake, buddy, I got you. Help is nearly here,” the voice says. It sounds like Officer Tim, but that can’t be right. It’s a dream. It’s all a dream.

“Kai! Can you hear me?” another voice says, unfamiliar to me, repeats on a loop. Why can’t everyone be quiet? I just want to sleep, so I do as my body wants and fall away into the welcoming warmth of unconsciousness.