Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

I follow Orlando over to a table where his cousin and Josie are already sitting. I remind myself that I'm only doing this so I can get the opportunity to tell him about Sebastian. Obviously, a cafeteria full of students isn't the place you drop the oh, by the way, you're a father talk.

As much as I'm trying to get a read on him, I can't. He's so all over the place, either ignoring my existence, telling me the only thing he wants is to fuck me, or in the library looking concerned and asking me why I'm crying. It almost felt like he cared… I can't let myself fall into that line of thinking, though. It'll only lead to more heartbreak. And once he finds out the secret I've been keeping from him, he's not going to want anything to do with me. I know that. I've accepted it. I just hope that, for Sebastian's sake, Orlando wants to know his son without taking him away from me.

Dread fills me. Like I said, these boys can do whatever they want. Even now. We're just sitting in the cafeteria, and everyone gives them a wide berth as they walk around our table. People might be staring and whispering, but one look from Orlando has everyone turning the other way.

He has the power to break me in a way no one else can, and that scares the hell out of me. I can't lose my son. I won't lose him. But then, there's the very real possibility he won't want to take him. That he'd be happy to be a part of Sebastian's life with me. Well, not with me , but alongside me. Co-parenting is normal in this day and age. A lot of people do it.

The truth is, I don't want him to hate me more than he already does. I don't know why I want him to like me. I don't have delusions about us becoming one happy little family. I know that's not going to ever happen. I get that what I've done… what I've hidden from him is huge. I know that. I just… I don't know what else to do. I can't seem to get the courage to tell him.

When I found out I was pregnant, he was the first person I tried to call. And when his number didn't work, I thought he'd blocked me on purpose. I didn't try to reach out via other means. I could have. I should have. But there's that hindsight thing again…

I was scared, sixteen, and pregnant. I had sex for the first time and it resulted in a teen pregnancy. Not once did I consider any other option than keeping my baby though. I guess there was a selfish part of me that didn't want Orlando to know, because then he couldn't tell me not to keep our son. I took that choice away from him.

Orlando uses his free hand to pull a chair out for me. "Thanks," I say quietly as I lower myself down, doing my best not to squirm under the weight of Dante's glare.

"Hey. How are you?" Josie asks me. She's literally the only friendly face I've encountered over the past two days. I'm not counting the odd kindness Orlando is showing me right now, because I know it's not going to last.

"I'm good. You?" I respond.

"Honestly? I can't wait to be done with this place. I'm so ready to move on to the college thing," Josie says.

"What schools are you applying to?" I ask her.

"I'm going to NYU. What about you?" Josie says.

"I'm not sure yet." I'm not sure I will even go to college. My dad wants me to go. I just don't know how I'm going to juggle college and Sebastian. I can't let my dad support us forever. Even though he would.

I have a trust that I'll have access to after I turn twenty-one. Until then, I either have to get a job or keep letting my dad take on our expenses. Not that he's ever said anything about it. I just feel guilty that I can't take care of my son on my own. I made him. I should be able to care for him, provide for him. It's just hard to work an after-school job and parent at the same time. I honestly tip my hat to moms who figure it all out on their own, because I haven't yet. Dad says it's still early days, and I'll get there. He tells me I'm doing a great job. I don't really have anything to compare myself to, though, because I've never had a mother.

"What schools have you applied to?" Josie asks.

"Ah, I haven't yet. I'm not sure college is for me," I say while averting my gaze.

Orlando's head snaps around, his eyes inspecting my face. He doesn't say anything, which I'm grateful for. "You going to the game tonight?" he asks Dante.

"Yeah, Alessandro and Enzo are meeting us there. You coming?"

"Probably." Orlando shrugs before turning to me. "You wanna come to the hockey game tonight?"

"Um… I can't," I tell him.

"Why not?"

"Because I have things to do. Sorry. I… ah… I have to go." I stand and bolt from the table before anyone can stop or question me further.

What the hell was I thinking? I can't sit at a lunch table with him and pretend that everything is normal. It's not normal. I just need to tell him. I need to come clean. Rip the Band-Aid off, so to speak.

First, I need to make sure Sebastian and I can disappear. Because if Orlando tries to take him away from me, I will run and never look back. I'm not losing my son.