Thirty Nine

Thirty-Nine

Ana

I did wonder if Freja and Dag were going to hang around the house all day, to make sure I didn’t leave, but I guess I’ve given them enough reason to trust me. They left soon after breakfast, said they were heading into Copenhagen for a day of shopping and to visit Dag’s brother. He has a restaurant in the city, more than likely funded by club money, but I don’t know that for sure. I’m just assuming.

I waited a while after they’d gone before I did anything. I watched a bit of TV. Scrolled through my phone. Spoke to Cady at the store, just to let her know I was okay; that I was spending my day off internet shopping and catching up with a Netflix drama I’d started watching last week. All lies, of course, but maybe it’s enough to make her think I’m complying with the instructions I’ve been given. And I was, going to comply, but I changed my mind. Something happened, and I don’t know when, I’m not even sure why… No. I know why. I took a step back and saw my future. And I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to survive it.

I took the bus, getting off two stops before I needed to because I wanted a little bit of time to make sure I was doing the right thing, and I’m still not completely sure that I am, but the thought of seeing Lars and Lea again: the idea that I could have some kind of normality back, it’s become too strong to ignore. And I could be making the biggest mistake, doing this, but I have to know if he – my dad, even though I will never call him that: I need to know if he’s really telling me the truth. Until I do that, I know I will never settle. I won’t.

Grabbing a coffee from a little café a block away from the house I’d used to live in, with Mama, I make my way up the street I’d once called home. Everything still looks the same, despite the fact my entire world has been turned on its head. It was always a quiet street, all of our neighbors, they pretty much kept themselves to themselves, but it was a friendly place. A safe place. It doesn’t feel much like that anymore, to be honest. The fact my dad bought the place: who he is, it’s cast a darker shadow over this once-comforting little cul-de-sac.

His car is parked outside, and I stop for a second, take a breath, make sure I really want to do this, because this is exactly what Joel told me not to do. But I think, if I leave it any longer, think about it anymore, I won’t do it at all. Or, I don’t know, maybe I would. But today seems like the perfect opportunity, when everyone thinks I’m safe at home. When they’ve all got other things on their minds.

I take another, deeper breath and walk up the path, and I can’t help but notice how neglected the front yard is beginning to look. The lawn needs mowing, and the two potseither side of the front door could really do with some water while the hanging basket is beyond any help at all. It makes me sad and angry and I almost turn around and walk away. But this man, as much as I don’t want him in my life, he’s told me knows where Lars and Lea are. I need to find out if he was telling me the truth, or lying to me. And if he is telling me the truth, what the hell do I do next…?

I knock quietly on the door, because there’s still a small part of me that’s wondering if this was the right thing to do. But I don’t have time to think about that anymore as the door is opened, and my dad’s henchman stands there, looming over me, his heavy frame taking up almost all of the doorway.

He looks at me, then back over his shoulder. “Emil! Visitor!”

He doesn’t invite me in, he remains standing in the doorway, his gaze focused on the road outside, his eyes scanning the area. He’s making sure I’m alone, because his job is to protect my father, a man who, quite obviously, has enemies. And I know I’ve placed myself in the middle of something I don’t fully understand – the relationship he has with the Vikings isn’t one I’m dwelling on – but I need to do this. And Joel will understand, when I tell him. I just don’t know exactly what I’m going to tell him yet. I don’t have a clue how this is going to pan out, and that scares me. But it’s too late to back out. I’m here now. I just, maybe, should’ve put a bit more thought into this…

“Ana!” My dad stands in the doorway now, a smile on his face, a mug of coffee in his hand. He looks like any other ordinary, middle-aged man, but that isn’t who he is. “I’m so happy to see you. Please, come on in.”

I step tentatively over the threshold, into my old home. And the more I come here, the less it feels like the safe place it once was. The furniture, the decoration, it may all look the same but this house carries a very different atmosphere now; a darkness that was never there when Mama was here.

“Would you like something to eat or drink?”

My dad’s voice cuts through my thoughts as I follow him into the kitchen. “No, thank you. I want to talk. About Lars and Lea. That’s the only reason I came here.”

He leans back against the breakfast bar and sips his coffee, his eyes never leaving me. “What would you like to know?”

“Are you telling me the truth? Have you really seen them? Did you really speak to them?”

“I did. I’m not lying to you, Ana.”

“So they – they know I’m okay? Do they know where I am?”

“I told them you were safe.”

I sit down at the table, casting a quick glance out of the huge picture window, but then I quickly look away. If the back yard has been left to deteriorate the same way as the front then I don’t want to see that. “The Vikings sent them away, right?”

I look at my dad again, but his expression remains impassive.

“They – or rather people associated with them sent your friends away, yes. They were told to stay away for a few months, told not to come looking for you, and they were scared, Ana. With good reason. But I found them.”

I frown. I’m confused. “I’m sorry… you – you found them? So, you saw them before they’d set up their new business?”

He sighs and sets his mug down on the counter. “I haven’t been completely honest with you, Ana. When Sofia was killed: when I found out what had happened, I knew I needed eyes everywhere. I needed to know everything that was going on, and as cruel as it sounds, I watched as your world fell apart, but I always knew I was going to come and get you. I was going to make sure your life would change for the better, and that meant you being around people who love you. So, when I found out Lars and Lea – your friends, people you’d grown up with – when I found out they’d been sent away, shall we say, I saw that as the Vikings taking away any choice you had over what you did next.”

“They told me it was for my own safety. They told me Lars and Lea had been sent away for their own safety. Were they lying?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe. There’s no doubt you fell into a dangerous world, so maybe they were just looking out for your friends. Looking out for you. But I’ve already told you this: Skip Larsen, he also saw you as a way of keeping a part of Sofia close, which is why, I’m guessing, he wanted any threat of you leaving eradicated. He thinks of you as a surrogate daughter now, am I right?”

I don’t say anything, because I think he already knows the answer to that.

“Anyway,” he sighs, “I didn’t – don’t want that for you.”

“You don’t get to decide what I do with my life. You don’t get to do that.”

His eyes bore into mine, but he isn’t intimidating me. He’s nobody. He’s just someone I need because he knows something I don’t.

“I found out where they’d sent Lars and Lea, and I went to see them. I talked to them. I needed to know the kind of people they are, and they truly are your friends, Ana. They love you like family, and I just want you to be happy. Do you understand that?”

Again, I keep quiet. I don’t care what he wants, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. “What did you do?” I ask, because it’s obvious he did something.

“I offered to set them up in business a little closer to the home they’d been driven from. But they were scared, given that they’d been warned off. They were confused. They didn’t want to do anything that put them in any danger, and they were scared for you, too, Ana. I told them not to be. I told them I was watching you, and that if you all wanted to be together again, I could make that happen.”

“You set them up in business?”

“I wanted to make sure that, when you joined them, you had something to come back to. Something you could slot right into, and they are doing a good job. A very good job. It’s a simple life they’re living, Ana, but I think that may be something you want, now.”

I let a beat pass. “You have no idea what I want.”

“I know you want to see Lars and Lea. That’s why you’re here, you told me as much.”

I’m not sure anymore. All of this, seeing my friends again, being back with them, in a normal, ordinary world, it would render me beholding to a man I don’t want in my life. I don’t trust him, but what’s more, I don’t like him.

“If you want me to stay out of your life, Ana, I will. I promise. I just want you to be safe and happy and I know you will be all of those things and more with Lars and Lea. They want to see you. They want you to join them, and there’s no ulterior motive on my part, you need to believe that. I just want you safe. You aren’t safe here.”

“I can look after myself.”

“I have no doubt about that. Sofia raised a strong young woman–”

“Don’t talk about Mama. Just, don’t.”

He holds up his hands and smiles an apologetic smile, but I still don’t know how much of what he’s doing here is genuine, and how much of it is just to placate me. I’m torn. But I think the bigger part of me was always going to be drawn toward seeing Lars and Lea again. And yes, I’d kind of accepted the fact that that was never going to happen, that I had to forget about my old life and move on. And I know I can’t ever get my old life back, but I can start a new one that could be just as full of love and joy and hope. Because hope isn’t something I’ve felt for a while now. Even with Joel.

“There’s a new home waiting for you, Ana. Everything you need is there, you’ll have no need to worry about anything.”

Again, doesn’t that mean I’d be beholding to him? But I have no real money of my own yet. The store hasn’t been open long enough to make anywhere near enough money to pay either me or Cady any kind of salary.

“I don’t know…” I get up, wander over to the window and steal myself to look outside, and the sight of an overgrown lawn, a patio filled with weeds and moss; dead plants in the pretty pots I remember Mama and I picking out, it’s heartbreaking.

“Why aren’t you looking after this place?” I ask as I wrap my arms around myself, keeping my back to him.

“Because it isn’t important.”

I spin around, a spark of anger igniting inside of me. “This was my home. Mama’s home. The home you walked out of, leaving us all alone, you remember that, right?”

The fact he’s giving me no reaction only makes me more angry, but it won’t help. It won’t get me anywhere. So I take a breath and lean back against the counter. And I wonder where Joel is, what he’s doing, and guilt sweeps over me. I should’ve told him what I was going to do, but he would’ve stopped me. I should’ve asked him about Lars and Lea, maybe he would’ve helped me? Maybe…? If I’d done that, maybe I wouldn’t have had to come to this man for anything, but I’d been persuaded to leave any links to my past life behind, hadn’t I? Seeing Lars and Lea again, that only came back on my radar because of this man.

“Can you take me to them?”

I look up at him, and he smiles and nods and I feel everything from deep regret to anger to a crushing relief. And guilt. So much guilt…

“I want to see them,” I whisper, almost to myself, and saying those words out loud, it makes me realize that I’d never really put this to the back of my mind. “When can you make that happen?”

“As soon as you’d like.”

My stomach’s in a knot of nerves. Do I go today? Do I wait? No… I don’t want to wait. Waiting gives me a chance to change my mind, to think about this, and if that happens there’s every chance I won’t do it at all. But, at the same time, do I really trust this man? Can I trust this man? I’m still not sure…

“Can we go today?”

He nods, he doesn’t leave a beat, and I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. The fact that he’s so eager to take me to Lars and Lea…

“We can leave in an hour. There are a few things I need to do here first. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine.” An hour is good. It gives me a little bit of time to get my head around what I’ve just done, but not too much time. Not enough for me to change my mind...? I don’t know… No. I’m doing this. I need to do this. “Can I… can I go upstairs? I want to see my room… My old room… You haven’t changed it, have you?” I can’t keep the slight panic out of my voice, and he smiles. And it doesn’t really reach his eyes, but I’m not going to overthink that.

“I’m not even sure anyone has been in that room.”

“Okay… I’m sorry, I think I’m just a little bit overwhelmed.”

“That’s understandable. Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat or drink?”

“I’m sure.” I couldn’t eat anything, I’m too nervous. Too anxious. And I’m letting him see that, which is a mistake. I think all of this might be a mistake, and that’s why I need to think about it. I really need to think, about everything.

“Well, if you change your mind…”

“I’m fine. I won’t be too long.” I head out of the kitchen and run up the stairs, stopping on the landing outside Mama’s room. And I don’t want to go inside because I’m guessing he’s been sleeping in there. And the thought of that makes me feel sick, the idea of him sleeping in the same bed Mama slept in, it’s wrong.

I don’t go into Mama’s room. The memories are still so raw, and being here, in this house, my head is flooded with a lifetime of them. But I won’t cry, I’m stronger than that now. Or I’m trying to be. I thought I was. I’m having doubts now.

Pushing open the door to my old room, I go inside, closing the door behind me. I stop and take a look around, everything is just how I remember it. Nothing’s been touched or moved, but as I run my fingers over the surface of my dressing table, I can feel the dust underneath them. Months’ worth of it. I open the drawers, one by one, and all my clothes are still in there. All folded up neatly, still exactly where I’d left them. My closet is the same, everything is hanging there as it was the day I left, and then never came back. Until now. I toy with the idea of packing all my clothes into the suitcase that’s still on top of the freestanding closet, but I don’t. I have no need for them anymore. I’m a different person now. Those clothes, they aren’t me.

Sitting down on the edge of my old bed, I drop my head and close my eyes, clasp my hands together in my lap. It feels strange, being back here, in this house. Everything about it is different now. Without Mama this house has no soul. No life. It’s nothing more than a dark and hollow shell, and I’m suddenly overcome with a fresh wave of grief, so strong it punches the breath right out of me. I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have done this, it’s wrong. Going back, it’s wrong, I can’t do it. I can’t recreate a world that disappeared the day Mama died, no matter how much I want it. I need to go. I need to get out of here.

Wiping away tears that had somehow managed to escape, I get up and take one last look around. I’m saying goodbye, something I never had the chance to do before, and it feels almost cathartic. And the second I close the door behind me it’s like I’m shutting that old life away, ready to properly begin the new one I’ve been living. The trial period is over. And after today, when my mama’s death has finally been avenged, I can move on. Really move on, with Joel. I can do that, right…?

I hear the commotion as I head downstairs: the sound of a door being kicked in, angry shouts and muffled voices and while my head is screaming at me to run back upstairs, I don’t do that. I run into the hallway, almost tripping over something that’s lying in my way, and when I look down my hand flies to my mouth. It’s Linus. My dad’s henchman. Is he dead…? He looks dead… all that blood…

A numbness starts to take over, and for a second I just stand there, because everything’s gone quiet. But then I hear a chair, or a table, I don’t know, it sounds like furniture being thrown about, in the kitchen. And I should just run out of the front door, it’s there, right in front of me, but instead – and I have no idea why, but I run toward the kitchen, and my dad’s there, but he doesn’t hear me or see me, but I see the gun in his hand. See him take aim…