Thirty Six

Thirty-Six

Ana

I think I’m falling in love with him. Joel. I say think, because I don’t really know what love feels like. I’ve never been in love before, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want that kind of commitment. And I’ve fought this – whatever it is – for long enough, but I’m conflicted. Confused. Wary. When I think about it, I’m not sure if I’ve got these feelings because I really do love him, or because I just have a need to be loved by someone who cares about me. And until I can work out which, I think moving in together is too big a step, even if it feels like the right one. And what happened with my dad: as much as I don’t want to think of him in that way, that’s who he is, he’s my father, and that’s really messing with my head. What he told me, about Lars and Lea, I can’t stop thinking about it. He told me he knows where they are, but, does he? Really? He could’ve been making it all up, telling me what I want to hear in the hope he can get me on side. I’ve been leaning toward that theory, because I don’t want a reason to have him back in my life. He isn’t just here for me, there’s something else going on. He wants revenge for Mama’s death, I know that, and the fact he’s working with the Blackhawks unnerves me. I want to ask him why, but he won’t tell me anything. Same as Joel won’t tell me what’s going on either, but I know something is. And I’m scared. I’ve got a bad feeling, and I want to stop it, all of it, but at the same time I want justice for Mama. But who exactly does my dad blame? Is he going to hurt the Vikings? Is he going to hurt Joel…?

“Penny for ‘em.” Cady sidles up alongside me behind the counter of our little store, and I lean back against it, cross my arms and sigh.

“They’re worth a lot more than that.”

She takes a sip of her coffee. “That bad, huh?”

I look at her, and I wonder just how much I could – should confide in her. How much can I really trust her? I have all the freedom I want now, but this club, they could still be keeping tabs on me for all I know, and if they are, then Cady would be the perfect choice of person to keep an eye on me. We spend a lot of hours a day together, I see her more than I see anyone else. Would she go running back to Skip…?

I shrug and decide not to tell her anything, because I don’t know what’s happening myself. What my dad told me, it’s really thrown me. And I’d gone to see Joel at the clubhouse last night because I’d had every intention of telling him what my dad had told me, about Lars and Lea, but I’d stopped myself. Telling Joel would only complicate the situation, I can handle it. Whatever I decide to do, I can handle it. But I have to do it alone. “I’m fine, just a little preoccupied. I think I’m finding it a bit strange being back in the world of work again.” A lie, but one I hope she buys.

“Well, as long as you’re happy being here.” The look she gives me tells me she isn’t totally convinced I’m telling her everything, and I’m not, so that look is justified.

“I’m happy.”

She smiles again. “Good. Do you want to take a break now? Go grab some lunch?”

I check my watch. “Okay.”

“Take a couple of hours. Things have quietened down a bit now, and I’ve brought lunch in so I’ll eat mine here.”

“Are you sure?” I’m starting to feel a little paranoid now, but is that only because I know I’m hiding things from these people?

“Yes, go on. Get yourself some fresh air.”

I grab my jacket and head outside, pick up a cheese salad sub and a coffee from the deli, and make my way over to the park, finding a quiet spot underneath a tree to eat my lunch. And for a few minutes I enjoy the peace. Enjoy people-watching. But it’s while I’m doing that, watching everyone around me, that I notice that dark green car again. He’s still watching me. And I lean back against the tree and close my eyes, sighing quietly. I don’t think I’ll ever be free, not in the way I used to be. My dad is never going to leave me alone.

I get up and take a breath, and I walk toward the car, but stop short of crossing the street. Instead, I stand there and watch it from a safe distance. Whoever’s in that car, be it my dad or some henchman he’s sent to keep watch, they’ll be able to see me, but I think I’ve ceased caring now.

“If I’d known you were free for lunch I would’ve joined you.”

I spin around, my heart leaping into my chest as I see Joel heading in my direction, a huge smile on his face. And as he approaches he glances over my shoulder, his gaze falling on the car which, as soon as whoever’s in there catches sight of him, pulls out of its spot and drives away.

“Do you want me to deal with that?” he asks, his eyes following the car until it’s out of sight.

“No. It’s fine. It’s my dad.” I take a breath and wait for his response. But he already knew who it was. He knew.

“Have you seen him? Talked to him?”

Do I lie? Or do I tell him the truth…? “The same car was outside Dag and Freja’s the other night. The night I came to see you at the clubhouse.”

Joel’s eyes narrow. “Did he try anything?”

He’s staying calm, but he’s trying really hard to keep it that way.

“No. I just – I saw him, through the window, in the car. He drove off after a few minutes.” I hate lying, but I think I have to. I have to. “Look, Joel, I don’t think my dad would hurt me, why would he? He wants to make things right again–”

“You need to be careful, Ana.”

“I am being careful… He won’t hurt me,” I repeat, because I still don’t think he would, hurt me. That’s not why he’s here. “Maybe he’s changed–”

“Men like him don’t change.”

I wonder if he’s aware of the slight irony in that statement. “Maybe not.”

“Cady said you were taking a break.”

“Are you on your way somewhere?”

“Yeah,” he sighs, digging his hands into his pockets. And that’s it. That’s all I get. But I’m learning not to question things now. What’s the point when nobody tells me anything anyway? Besides, if it’s got anything to do with getting revenge for Mama, then I’d rather not know. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling nervous. Scared. Worried that something is going to happen to Joel… “Are you sure everything’s okay?” Joel’s voice snaps me back from those thoughts.

“Everything’s fine.”

He frowns, tucks a finger under my chin and tilts my face up until our eyes meet. “This will get better, Ana, I promise you that. And it’s a promise I am not going to break. All of this, it will get better.”

I smile, just a small one but his words calm me. “I need you to be careful too, Joel. Please.”

“Always.” He kisses me, and it’s a kiss that calms me as I fall against him. And I’m trying so hard to live in the moment, because they never last all that long. “I should go. Are you going to be at the clubhouse later?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

He throws me a smile, and I’m only just beginning to realize how much I love that smile. Mainly because he never used to smile all that often, in the beginning. But then, neither did I. I had no reason to, until Joel Madsen gave me one. “Later, kiddo.” And then he’s gone, making his way back to his bike parked outside the store. I watch him until he rides off, and then I look back at the spot where that car had been parked, half expecting it to come back the second they know Joel’s gone. But it doesn’t.

I walk back toward the tree I’d been sitting under, my eyes down as I check my phone, and when I look up, and see him standing there, I almost cry out in shock.

“Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

He shakes his head, tutting under his breath. “Ana, Ana, Ana. I’m sure your mama wouldn’t like to hear you talking like that.”

“Yeah, well, Mama’s not here anymore, is she?” I slide my phone back into my pocket and lean back against the tree. “You’re not even being subtle about it now, are you?”

He frowns.

“Following me.”

“I’m crediting you with the intelligence I’m sure you have, Ana.”

“What do you want?”

“I want you to realize that I’m trying to make amends, because I don’t think you’re listening to me.”

“I don’t want to hear any more. You’re wasting your time.”

“I don’t give up easily.”

“Yeah. I’m starting to get that.”

His gaze wanders over to the store. “He seems very protective of you.” He’s talking about Joel, of course. And I don’t answer him. I’m not in the mood for a conversation.

“I need to get back to work.” I check my watch, knowing full well I don’t have to rush anywhere just yet.

“You’ve only just started your lunch break.”

Further evidence, if I needed any, that he is, indeed, still watching me. “I’m not a fan of taking time out if I don’t need to. I’d rather keep busy.”

He drops his head for a second and takes a deep breath. “Lars and Lea, they miss you.”

My stomach feels like a lead weight has been dropped into it. “You’ve spoken to them?” I wasn’t expecting that, and once again it throws me. Just for a second.

He nods, and I don’t know what to believe. Why didn’t he tell me this before? Is he drip-feeding me information as a way of making sure I keep coming back? I mean, I know he told me he’d seen them; been into the little café they now run, but he never told me he’d spoken to them.

“You told them who you were?”

He nods, his gaze scanning the park. “They seemed surprised to see me, if not a little… wary, shall we say.”

“You don’t exactly have a welcoming aura about you.”

He smiles, but his eyes remain chilly. “They’d love to see you, Ana. They’ve been worried about you.”

This isn’t fair. What he’s doing here, it isn’t fair. “Don’t do this,” I whisper, and yeah, I’m almost pleading with him because it really isn’t fair. “Don’t.” I look down and take a minute. “Are they okay?” Because I want to know. I need to know, that they’re okay.

“Yes. They are, although, they’re still quite confused about everything, which is understandable.”

I look up, I meet his gaze, and his eyes burn into mine. “I was told they had to leave for their own good. I was told they could be in danger, if they stayed.”

“Is that what they told you? What Skip Larsen told you? He just didn’t want you to go running to them. He didn’t want you to leave, Ana. You were a part of Sofia he needed – wanted to keep close to him so he made sure all traces of your old life were gone. Removed. And you shouldn’t trust him. He is not your father, he does not have your best interests at heart.”

“And you do?”

“I’m your blood, Ana.”

“We’ve been through this. And I’m tired of going round in circles with you.”

“You will get hurt, if you stay in this world.”

“And your world is a snow-white utopia, huh?”

“I’m not asking you live in my world, Ana, I’m telling you I can give you a better one. You, Lars and Lea. I can give you all a safer world.”

“With you in it?”

“Only if you wanted me to be.”

“So, how can this new, safe world you claim you can give me stay safe if you come anywhere near it? This is bullshit, and you know it. And as much as I would love to see Lars and Lea again, I think it’s best we all move on now.” I’m saying the words, but my heart is breaking, because there is nothing I would like more than to see my friends again. To have some element of normality back, just the tiniest piece of my old life. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose Joel. I’m still unsure as to how I fit into his world, and what the future holds is anyone’s guess, I still wake up anxious every morning. Except those mornings when I wake up with him… “I don’t want you to do this anymore. I want you to leave me alone. I want you to go. Whatever you’ve come here to do, I want you to leave it alone, and go.”

“I can’t do that, Ana. And I think you know that. What happened to your mama cannot go unpunished.”

I feel angry tears start to well up, and I furiously blink them back, I’m not crying in front of him. I don’t want him to see me weak, because I’m not. Maybe I was, once, but not now. Not anymore.

“People are going to get hurt,” I whisper, but my voice has an edge to it. A harshness verging on desperation that I hope he doesn’t recognize.

“That’s the whole point,” he replies, and his eyes are twice as cold now. Twice as dark. And I feel that lead weight in my stomach drop…