34. Turren

Ididn’t return to my mountain home the next day.

Or the day after that.

Or even on the third day after I left.

I felt cowardly for staying away so long. Yes, the boolong herd needed to be studied, but I could’ve returned the first night and left the rest to the males in my clan to plan the hunt.

Instead of leaving the next morning, however, I stayed with them, hunting and taking down enough of the herd to provide meat for the clan for months. I remained to clean the meat and smoke it. I sat companionably with the other males around the fire in the evening while they sent me confused looks.

I had a new mate. They didn’t understand why I’d chosen to be with them instead of her.

Each night, I slept on the ground out in the open alongside them. It was lonely without Kaila.

I missed her so much.

Flying Airest back home on the fourth day, I guided him to his aerie. I rubbed him down and made sure he had food. And when I remained, standing in the corner, visiting with him, I realized what I was doing. Hiding from Kaila wouldn’t fix the problem between us. It was time I found her and asked her if she’d had enough time to think.

Leaving the aerie, I strode down the hillside, nodding to those I passed and taking in how gorgeous it was here in the mountains. How cool and crisp the air was, and how much I adored living here. I enjoyed the desert as much, but this was a different kind of beauty. Stark and harsh while still lovely.

When I spied Brunnen leaving the long building where most of the older youngling males lived, laughing with his new orc friends, I walked over to him.

“There you are,” he said, grinning to his friends before returning his gaze to me. “You’ve been gone a long time.”

“Yes.” I stood there, feeling crazy for remaining away so long.

Another thing I’d need to apologize to Kaila for.

“I was about to go play gromgret,” Brunnen said. “It’s a lot of fun.”

“He scores all the time,” one of the other males grumbled. “He may be thin and lacking in muscles,” he nudged Brunnen, who only laughed, “but he’s fast. We love having him on the team.”

“I’m glad you’re having fun,” I said, peering around. “Do you know where Kaila is?”

Brunnen shrugged. “I haven’t seen her since breakfast. Maybe she’s inside the house? She mentioned something about taking Sianna back there for a nap.”

“She’s . . . with Sianna?”

“Sure. What a cute little orcling she is. We’ve been eating all our meals together. She even lets me hold her.” He stiffened his spine proudly. “I’m an uncle. Did you know that?”

“You are.” I was grateful he was so enthusiastic about my daughter.

I’d thought Sianna would be with Urlain all this time while Kaila . . . was thinking.

“Who would’ve thought me being an uncle would happen so fast? I mean, I believed . . .” Brunnen’s face darkened. “You know what I mean.”

He assumed he wouldn’t be an uncle until Kaila and I had an orcling together. Was there much hope left for that?

I should’ve come home the first evening. I should’ve told her I was leaving before I did so, blurted my apologies and dealt with whatever she might say about me raising a child. So many things I should’ve done.

Like my parents had said, I was a complete failure.

But then I remembered how Urlain welcomed me into this clan, how she’d spoken up when the prior caedos got old and stated she was stepping down. How Urlain told the others I’d be a good leader.

Perhaps I wasn’t a failure after all, not in this part of my life.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go.” With a nod to me, Brunnen hurried down the hillside, catching up with the others heading toward the flat open area where younglings played the game.

I strode to our home and paused outside, listening. Was that soft singing I heard inside? Holding my breath, I stepped into the small open area. I found Kaila sitting in the chair near the side window, her back facing me. She held Sianna, and there wasn’t any sight prettier than that. She stroked Sianna’s back and my daughter slept, her fingers in her mouth for sucking.

Kaila must’ve heard me shut the door, because she looked over her shoulder. Her eyes and her expression didn’t change.

Did I still see love there, though? I wasn’t sure what I’d do if she told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore.

That was why I’d stayed away. As long as I was hunting and sleeping beside my clansmales at night, there was still a chance I’d have Kaila in my life when I returned.

Mates could reject the other. It had happened, though not for so long that I couldn’t remember exactly who had done so.

But it wasn’t unheard of.

“You’re back.” She rose and laid Sianna on her bed to sleep. She stroked the orcling’s forehead and the smile she gave my daughter made everything inside me come to a sudden halt.

“You love her,” I croaked.

“How could I not when she’s a part of you?”

I strode over and dropped to my knees in front of her. “I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“Turren.” Her face creasing with pain, Kaila took my hands and tugged on them. “Up. Please don’t kneel.”

“I love you. I’ll grovel forever as long as you tell me we stand a chance of being together again.” When I realized what I was doing, I rose to my feet. “I’m sorry again. Here I am, pushing you into saying things that may not be in your heart.”

“Turren.”

Someone scratched on the door. Kaila walked around me and let Urlain inside.

“Ah, there’s my precious one.” Urlain hurried over to stand beside Sianna’s bed. She turned to face us. “And there are two precious people who I suspect need to talk.” With a low laugh, she flicked her hands our way. “Go. Leave me in peace with this sweet orcling. I’ll remain with her for as long as you have need.”

“Thank you.” Kaila went over and stood on her toes to kiss Urlain’s wrinkly cheek.

“Now, now.” Urlain patted Kaila’s back. “Go. Be with your mate. Talk.”

She must know things weren’t as they should be between us.

After thanking her, Kaila and I left, stopping out front.

Kaila sucked in a breath and released it, looking around. “It’s beautiful here. I still can’t believe how gorgeous the view is. The mountains. Everything about this part of the world is perfect.”

“Would you like to walk together?”

She nodded and started toward the path that wound behind the village. It kept going for many cliks, along the side of the mountains. Did she know this?

“I was away too long,” I said as we left the village behind and walked side-by-side on the path worn smooth by generations of footsteps.

“You were. I missed you.”

My heart flipped over, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to breathe again. “I missed you, my . . .” Stopping, I pinched my eyes shut.

“What’s wrong?” She returned to stand in front of me. I didn’t see her because my eyes were still closed, but I caught her lovely scent. Heard her breathing. Felt the warmth emanating from her body.

“While we traveled through the forest, I spent a lot of time thinking up new words I could use to describe you, my mate,” I said. “I’m not a male who is comfortable with words, but I wanted so much to impress you. I had to find them in order to gift them to you.”

“You made me growl, and you made me laugh.” Her voice bubbled with humor. “There were times when I wanted to smack you, though I didn’t.”

I opened my eyes to find her looking up at me, though I still couldn’t read the expression on her face. “You should’ve smacked me. I often deserved it.”

“I understand why you held things back. I forgive you if that’s what you need, but inside here,” she reached up to tap my chest, “I’m not sure you’ll believe me.”

“I told you my family died, but I didn’t share anything else.” Taking her hand, I led her a bit farther down the path until we came to an area where it was wider. Someone had long ago crafted a stone bench and placed it near the cliff on the left. Many times, I’d sat there and looked out at the view, thinking about all the ways I could be a good caedos.

Now I sat with my mate beside me, thinking about how I could be a better mate.

She swung her legs that didn’t reach the ground and remained silent. She was waiting.

It was time for me to find the words that kept pushing against the inside of my heart. If I held them inside much longer, I’d not only risk losing the only female I’d ever love, but I’d also never be the person I’d always wanted to be.

“We talked a little bit about my arm,” I said.

“It’s smaller than the other. Less muscled. Many scars. Such a horrible injury.”

“It’s not as strong as my right arm. As I said, an animal attacked me, nearly ripping it off. I was young, and I don’t remember much other than the pain. So much pain. After I’d healed, I was supposed to exercise my arm to make it form like the other as I grew. But no matter what I did, it didn’t happen. I grew bigger but it didn’t keep up with my body. I’ve accepted it’ll never do what the other can, that it makes me weak.”

“I haven’t seen it hold you back once.”

“I try very hard to make sure it doesn’t.” And I hated that she’d noticed it at all. But if I couldn’t be vulnerable with the one person I loved above all others, who else would understand? “I didn’t grow up in the Ember Clan.”

“Urlain mentioned that.”

“My parents were part of the Basselt Clan. This clan lives deep beneath a long mountain range many cliks from here. I had a brother, as you knew, and he had a mate.”

“How did you end up here?”

“One day, when my father was berating me, telling me how worthless I am, I just . . . ran. I grabbed my staff and nothing else and I bolted. I didn’t stop running until I’d left the boundaries of my clan.”

“Urlain said you were fifteen when you arrived here. That’s not much older than Brunnen.” She rubbed my arm. “I’m sorry.”

I wanted to close my eyes and lean into her touch, but I needed to finish this first. “I made my way toward these mountains and what did I find? A clan who welcomed me. An elder, Urlain, took me in and praised me. She told me my strength lay in my will and my kind heart.” I looked toward Kaila, startled to find tears trickling down her face.

“Mate,” I croaked, tugging her into my lap and wrapping my arms around her. “I love you. I’m sorry I’m making you cry.”

“Turren, stop saying you’re sorry.” She was weeping harder now. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. “Don’t keep saying that. You apologized already. I accepted it. I would’ve told you that night if you hadn’t left.”

“You would’ve?”

“I needed time to think but that didn’t take long. But by the time I returned to our home, you were already gone.”

“Yes. I went hunting with the others.”

“I hope it was a good hunt.” Humor, pure, wonderful humor shone in her voice. She sniffed through her tears.

“It was. Many boolongs were taken.” I cleared my throat, eager to finish. Because I suspected . . . Oh, how I hoped . . . that Kaila wanted to be with me once more.

“When the Ember Clan caedos stepped down two years ago, Urlain told me I had to take over the position. I was thirty by then and in my heart, this was my clan.”

“You did it.”

“Yes. My people, my clan approved. Everyone. And just like that, I was no longer rejected. I had a purpose and value.”

“You’ll always have value. It’s what’s in your heart that truly matters.”

“You’re right. I know this. It’s just very hard to accept it.”

“I understand.” She sighed. “Then your parents and your brother and his mate died. All of them except Sianna.”

“Would you believe my first clan brought her to me? They said I had the right to raise her, though they would love to take her back to the Basselt Clan if I didn’t. How could I say no? She’s perfect. I love her very much.”

“She is.” Kaila snuggled against my chest. “So where does this leave us now?”

Where did it leave us? “I love you and want to be with you. I’ll always feel this way. But I’ll never pressure you or make choices for you again.”

She turned in my embrace and wrapped her legs around me, looking up at me. “I want to be with you, Turren. I want to love you from the moment you wake until you lay your head beside mine at dusk and all the time in between. I want to raise Sianna and any orclings we might have together, and I want to stand proudly by your side. The side of my clan caedos.”

“Mate,” I said. “My wonderful, perfect, glorious, fabulous mate.”

Her lips curled up. “Only wonderful, perfect, glorious, and fabulous? What else?”

“There are many words I hold within my heart still to name you,” I said solemnly.

“I can’t wait to hear them.”

I kissed her. Held her. And I knew then that I was enough for Kaila.

And that was all that mattered.