Five: Pierce

FIVE

PIERCE

You left out the part where she insisted on letting all 14 of her cats “live in,” too. That’s not happening. Ever.

Sorry. Sending over the next applicant ASAP.

T he woman sitting across from me was CPR certified, fluent in French, Portuguese, Russian, and Spanish. Best part, she reminded me of Mama Raya—down to her soft grey eyes and purple tinged hair, so there was absolutely zero attraction.

She’d passed the diaper challenge with flying colors, and unlike Miss Hawthorne, I felt comfortable giving her a tour of my entire home.

“Why should I hire you for this job, Miss Hanson?” I asked.

“Because I absolutely love kids,” she said. “They’re who I was born to work with, and I believe that they’ll love me after a single playdate.”

“How do you feel about extensive travel?”

“As long as it’s covered and not taken out of my paycheck, that’s fine.”

Decent enough answer. “Before I move to the next part, do you have any questions?”

“More like some requirements I need you to meet for me.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I was convinced I’d misheard her.

“Being a full-time nanny comes with a lot of work,” she said, “and I believe that the parent should have to work with me as well.”

“Go on…”

“First, I need you to give me the okay for my discipline methods.” She wagged a finger. “I believe in letting babies cry for a full five minutes before attending to them. It teaches them that the world is cold, and they can’t always get what they want. It’s better that they learn that now, better than later, you know?”

“I thought you said, you loved children.”

“Second, I’ll need a designated five hour window to unwind with a glass of wine and a book, undisturbed.” She looked dead-ass serious. “This window will provide you with some bonding time, and allows me to recharge my energy.”

“Third, I’m not a fan of washing bottles or handling stains, so I’ll need to speak with your housekeepers on ways they can handle that for me.”

I said nothing.

The agency had somehow let a lunatic slip through the cracks, and I’d almost made the mistake of hiring her.

“Now, those are just the main requirements,” she said. “After you agree to those, you’ll need to hear me out on my supplementary demands.”

“Go ahead and tell me those now.” I took out my phone.

“Oh my god, really? I’m so happy we’re on the same page already!” She pulled a notebook from her purse. “There are only five pages, but I’ll do my best to go through them as quickly as possible.”

Send over the next nanny option.

And please have someone from your agency get this one out of my sight before my security team does.