Chapter Five - Darla

“I am a horrible human being.” I drop my face in my hands. “The worst.”

“Honey, you are the sweetest person I know. If roles were reversed and I was in your shoes and you were in mine, would you tell me I was horrible?”

“Probably not.” I sniffle.

“No, it’s not a probably, hon. It’s a definite no. I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this around all these years.”

“I didn’t know what else to do. If I had told him I was pregnant, Gage never would have signed his contract with the Bangor Braves. He would have stayed with me in the middle of nowhere, worked a boring, dead-end job, and ended up resenting me and resenting Lilah for missing out on his dream. I couldn’t live like that. I had always planned on telling him the truth after he’d established himself in his career, but days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. And before I knew it, Lilah was nine. If I had known who Jake was, I never would have come to Hawaii, Em. I hope you know that.”

“I know that, honey. That’s on me. Jake and I got sucked into the vortex of love and wanted to keep it all a secret. So, how would you have known?” Emily rubs my back. “You must give yourself grace.”

“I’ve ruined your wedding. Destroyed Gage’s life. And I don’t know if Lilah will ever forgive me.” I see my sweet girl grinning from ear to ear while doing the hula without a care in the world with many other happy kids. She has a tiny grass skirt tied around her dress and a lei of colorful flowers around her neck. She’s having the time of her life. And in less than an hour, the bubble of happiness she’s in is going to burst when I tell her that Gage is her father.

“My wedding was perfect. I married the man of my dreams. Nothing could ruin that.” Emily grins. “You just happened to make our day a little more memorable.”

“You’re such a good friend.” I reach over to squeeze her hand. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Of course you do.” She kisses me on the cheek. “You’re a good friend, too.”

Emily radiates beauty in her white chiffon dress and a purple and white orchids wreath. “You really love Jake. Don’t you?”

“With every fiber of my being.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“You’ll be happy, too. Just wait and see.”

If karma has anything to say about my state of happiness, I’m going to be single and alone until the day I die.

“Oh, goody.” Emily bounces in her seat. “Jake sent me a text. They’re on their way back. They’ll be here in less than ten minutes, so they’ll make the luau. Yippee!”

My heart sinks. There’s no way to avoid seeing Gage again. There were things to work out about Lilah. But that look he gave me before he went unconscious…that incredulous, hateful look…was seared into my brain. “Is Gage alright?”

“Jake says the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.”

“Thank God for that.” I sigh.

“Can I ask you a question?” Emily picks up her pineapple drink. “What have you told Lilah about her father?”

A waitress swoops in, plops a drink down in front of me, and darts away. “What is this?”

“I ordered you a Mai Tai. You’re going to love it.” Emily drops a straw in my glass. “Drink up. It will help take the edge off of your rough day. Now, tell me, what does Lilah know about her father?”

“She knows he’s a good man who is kind, strong, handsome, loves baseball, and lives for Star Wars movies. She knows he wanted to be a musician in a rock band but could never get the hang of playing the guitar, and his favorite food is a bacon cheeseburger with fries. And that he always wanted a dog but never had one.”

“Gage sounds like a nice man.”

“He was.” I take a sip of the drink. “I don’t know what he’s like now. Ten years can change a person.”

“True.” Emily leans in. “Do you love him?”

“No.” I choke. “Of course not.”

“Are you sure about that?” She squints. “You looked a little dreamy just then.”

“How many of those pineapple drinks have you had?” I dab my mouth with a napkin.

“Not enough.” She giggles, then turns serious. “Why does Lilah think her father hasn’t been in her life?”

“I told her the truth.”

“You did?”

“I had to. I couldn’t lie to her. I told her that her father was a very good man and that he wasn’t in her life because I decided it was best not to tell him that I was pregnant.”

“I take it she’s never seen a picture of him.”

“No. I couldn’t risk it. If she saw him on the TV or in the news, I worried she’d contact him and tell him who she was. So many lies.” I hang my head. “So many terrible lies.”

“Sweetheart, it’s all going to be okay. I promise you. It might be a little uncomfortable, but kids are resilient. Lilah will take the news like a champ. If Gage is the man I think he is, it’ll take a bit, but he’ll come around, too. He has to work through the hurt. It will be smooth sailing once he gets to the other side of that. And there will be no more lies. Everything will be better.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I’m right. Now, drink up. I’ll order you another one because here come our men.”

“I don’t have a man.” I kick her under the table.

“Uh-huh. We’ll see about that.” Emily jumps out of her seat. “Husband!”

“Wifey!” Jake picks her off her feet and swings her around. “I missed you.”

“I missed you more.” She peppers his face with kisses.

Gage sits down across from me with liquid hate swimming in his eyes. “Nothing worse than a couple of lovesick newlyweds.” He mutters.

I stuff my hands under the table so he won’t see how badly they’re shaking. “Gage, should we talk?”

“Yes, we should.”

“Okay…”

He cuts his hand through the air to silence me. “But we won’t talk right now. I can’t have a conversation with you. Everything’s too raw. Too painful. So, I’ll do the talking. And you’re going to do the listening.”

I roll my lips in and nod. I owe him this.

“What you did is cruel, and the truth is, I know you probably have an explanation of some kind for it, but I don’t give a damn what it is. Lilah is innocent in this mess that you’ve created. She deserves two people…two parents…that will put her first no matter what. So, I will be as nice as pie when she’s around. I will not say an unkind word to or about you, and I expect the same courtesy in return. But I want you to hear me clearly, Darla…this does not mean I forgive you. I have no doubt you’ve been a loving mother. But…,” he takes a deep breath, “you kept my child from me. You robbed me of the right to be there for my child, to be a good father. I never got to hold her when she was a baby—never tucked her in at night. Never sang her a lullaby,” he gulps. “I never got to feed her, bathe her, hear her say her first word, or take her first step. You stole all of that from me…”

Tears run down my cheeks as his words hit home.

He’s right.

I took it all from him. And I took it from Lilah, too.

My heart flies into my throat. “I’m so sorry…”

He leans in close, gnashing his teeth together. “Don’t. The honest-to-God truth is I don’t know who I’m angrier with. Me? Or you? I thought I knew who you were, Darla Gray. Turns out I’ve been in love with a delusion for ten years.”

Been in love…what? No, no, no.

“I need to take a walk.” Gage gets to his feet. “But I will be back. I can’t look at you right now.”

My stomach lurches, and panic washes over me as the weight of the worst decision of my life crushes me. All this time, I have heralded myself as being benevolent and altruistic when the absolute truth is I am none of those things.

I am a thief.

I stole from Gage.

I stole from Lilah.

“I will make this right,” I whisper at his back. “I promise. I will make this right.”