27. Tyler

Realizing the concept of time is life-altering. I remember being a kid and being picked up from Holden's house a little too early for my liking. I would put my little hand in the air and yell, "Please, Mum! Just five more minutes!" My hand seemed so big back then, just like the amount of time I thought I had with her.

Then, there's a shift; a moment in your life when you realize the significance of just five more minutes. I think mine was during my first real hockey competition. We only had a few minutes left on the clock and we were down by two. All I wanted was to win. The time that once felt like the longest in the world suddenly didn't seem like enough. Yet once I slammed that second puck into the net I realized: that anticipation and adrenaline warped the concept of time. The plays felt like they were in slow motion but if I watched the tapes back, sometimes all it took was a fraction of a second to change the game.

I sat beside my brother, holding his shaking body in my arms. I had to wonder if I hadn't stopped to kiss Hunter one more time if I would have made it in time. Maybe I wouldn't have hit every red light. Or what if I'd run a little faster from the car?

What if I didn't leave at all?

Would I have been there to say goodbye? Would it have mattered? Would she have been able to hear me? I was aware of time passing, but somehow I was still stuck in that moment where I found my little brother crying over Mum's body, flat lines on the monitor. I watched as Holden tried to pull him off, tried to console him—but failed. If there was any mercy, it happened when I finally arrived. If I could do nothing else, I could hold Jamie together.

A nurse crouched in front of me, but I couldn't hear what she said—I had to read it off her lips. She was telling us to go home. It seemed as if my brain refused to process sound to protect my heart from the sound of Jamie's sobs.

I gathered my brother in my arms. He wasn't small by any means, but in that moment it didn't matter. I didn't care how big he was, I would have found the strength to carry him out. We found our way into Holden's back seat, and I watched the world pass by as he drove us to what was once our home. At some point, Jamie had cried himself to sleep. I worked on autopilot, guiding him through the front door and into my bed. By the time I tucked him in, hoping he would sleep, I felt arms around me.

I turned and let them pull me into Holden's chest. There was once a time when my best friend's arms would have been comforting, but now it just felt wrong. We were the same height; I couldn't tuck my face into the crook of his neck. Nor was he as thick as Hunter. I missed those bulging biceps, the way I could rest my head on his chest. I missed his smell, and I missed the way he called me baby.

I missed him.

"I'm so sorry, Ty."

I pulled away and gave him my best attempt at a smile, but it came out more as a grimace.

"What can I do?"

I shook my head because there was nothing he could do. Nothing would bring her back.

The door opened and my aunt stepped through, looking so much like Mum before the chemo drained her. She sat on the armchair, eyeing me like I was under a microscope.

"Right, I have a plan. It's what your mum wanted so I just need you to listen."

Her words being in past tense felt like sharp needles stabbing me in the chest. But I did as I was told and waited for my auntie to let me know what the future held.

"Jamie is on summer break, and I think you should take him with you back to America. I know you have your studies and hockey to focus on, but a change of scenery would be good for him. He can still train, maybe even learn some new skills. Most importantly, he can be with you. Your mum said under no circumstances were you to quit—and I'm inclined to agree. You boys have lost enough, but you have each other, and your dreams."

Hockey wasn't the dream that had me liking the idea. It was the fact that I could be in Hunter's arms. Even just a few minutes would make me feel at least a little better.

Auntie continued. "She left everything to you boys—royalties, the house, and her life insurance. You two won't have to worry about anything in terms of money. Once school starts back, I'll care for Jamie, either here or at my place; I'll let him decide. This house has a lot of memories, but it also holds a lot of ghosts."

Didn't I know it.

"If he needs to stay with me, he's more than welcome," Holden offered.

"I'm going with Tyler," a groggy voice sounded from the door. Jamie's eyes were puffy and devoid of light.

I held out my hand, and he came toward me like a magnet. I was thankful he wasn't closing me off. He sat next to me, curling into my side.

"I think that's best," Auntie agreed. "We'll do this as a family. We'll find you a program to keep up your training. Tyler will have some time over winter break to help settle you in."

I held Jamie tight as Auntie went over the logistics. Mum was to have her funeral, then both Jamie and I would fly back to Boston where he would stay with me in my dorm. It dawned on me that I would no longer be homesick. I looked around the room filled with memories, good memories of a childhood most people would die for. Despite it all, I couldn't cry. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and my heart skipped when I saw his name pop up on the screen: Hunter56 messaged you.

I read his worried messages and felt that ache in my chest. That meant it was all real. I wasn't ready for it to feel real.

Jamie had slept in my bed every night, cuddled to me like I was his lifeline.

Today was the day. I wiggled myself out of his grip and walked outside into the summer air, heading to the back granny flat that was Mum's sanctuary. The scent reminded me so much of her: roses and agapanthus. The porch swing came to life with the early morning summer breeze. I could almost see her there, sitting with her laptop or a book, sipping a cup of coffee as she watched us play in the garden. I swallowed past the lump in my throat and stepped up to the door. With a creak, I was welcomed to the smell of books and gingerbread candles: her favorite scent. Her desk remained cluttered and messy, quintessential Mum. Yet, her shelves were neatly organized. Her books were her prized possession. There were pictures of us on the walls by the soft plush velvet couches. I lay down on one, looking up at the ceiling fan. Finally, I dialed his number and prayed he would pick up

"Hello?"

The sound of his voice had me covering my mouth to stifle a choked sound. I don't know when Hunter had become the place my heart had decided it could be vulnerable with, but he was.

"Baby? Is that you?"

"Yep," I sobbed.

"Talk to me, what's happened?"

"She is gone, Hunt. She is gone."

I heard his inhale of breath, then the heavy exhale. It was as if he was trying to suck in the pain through the line and let it go, taking it away from me.

"Baby…"

"Her funeral is today, and I don't know if I can do it, Hunt. I've been holding it together for my brother but I don't think I can anymore. I'm hanging on by a thread, counting down the hours until I can come back."

"I will be right here waiting when you get here, baby. I'll make sure to catch you when that thread breaks. But right now, you should focus on being with your family. Be strong for your little brother and say goodbye to your mom without any regrets. I'll be right here when you get back."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "I need you."

"You have me. I'm here, no matter what time it is."

"I am sorry about the game."

He scoffed. "Fuck the game, baby. All I care about is you."

I fought against tears, knowing the second I gave in it was over. "I'm not okay."

"That's perfectly okay. I know you can get through today. It's just like pee-wee hockey, one foot in front of the other. Don't be hard on yourself if you stumble. Before you know it, I'll be waiting for you at the airport."

Hunter didn't realize how much I needed to hear that. I found myself hugging the couch cushion, wishing it was him.

"Can you just talk to me for a bit?" I asked. "Tell me about school, or Kins, or your family. Anything."

I heard him consider the thought before he spoke again. "Well, I study law-"

For the next half hour, I listened to his voice like it was my favorite podcast. He distracted me with his talk about pre-law and how his dad was some big-shot lawyer. He didn't delve too deep into his family, only mentioning that he had to follow in the family's footsteps.

It was ridiculous. He was a phenomenal defenseman. I could easily picture him in a pro league. I told him as much, and made it clear that I wasn't just saying that because we were involved. His laughter soothed my open wounds. "Nothing on you baby. If I could go pro, I'd want to do it with you."

"So do it. We may not get the same team straight away, but someone's bound to see our chemistry."

"Our chemistry, huh?"

Despite everything, the smile that tugged on my lips was real. "On the ice, Boston. I meant on the ice."

His amused hum told me he didn't believe that one bit. Our chemistry was so much more than two guys on the ice. I was flooded with guilt over the fact that I actually felt relaxed. It was the day of my mum's funeral for fuck's sake.

"It's okay to have a moment of peace in the storm baby. She would have wanted that."

"How do you always know where my head is, even so far away?"

"The same way I can connect a puck to your stick without seeing you. I feel you baby."

A whole load of new emotions began to come over me. So, I did what I needed to do.

"I better go. I'll send you my flight details. It's a long story but Jamie's coming with me. He'll stay in my dorm."

"Well, you'll be home soon. And your brother is lucky to have you."

"Bye, Boston."

"Bye, Aussie."

I disconnected the call, took a breath, and went back inside to get Jamie fed before we said goodbye.

I hated funerals, but Mum had made it easy on us. She had every little detail planned. I choked down the resentment that she seemed to know this was coming. I said my eulogy and because of the impact my parents had on the local community, it was a big turnout. I talked about how lucky I was to have such dedicated and devoted parents, how she was my best friend, and how I wouldn't be where I was without her. It was all true but despite everything, I still couldn't cry. I couldn't forgive her for leaving. I knew at heart it wasn't her fault. But I couldn't believe she was not there. She'd never see me go pro. She wouldn't watch Jamie grow up. I knew none of this was her fault. But the longer I sat there listening to how great a life she lived, I could only be mad that it wasn't long enough.

The wake was short and sweet and the next thing I knew, we were shopping for Jamie's winter clothes. We packed our bags, and got on a plane. We hadn't talked much during the funeral, but as we sat on the plane, Jamie turned to me. It hit me then how tired he was, and I knew I probably didn't look much better. I hadn't really looked in the mirror—probably for the best.

"Since we talked last, did you end things with your teammate?"

"He's meeting us at the airport," I groused, knowing the teasing was coming.

Jamie smiled. It didn't quite reach his eyes, but it was genuine. "So, you're still together but not together?"

I sighed. "I don't know, James. We keep swearing each time is the last. We hardly know each other."

"Do you want to get to know him?" Jamie studied me, his eyes sincere as he waited for my answer.

"There's just… something about him, James. I don't know. He makes me feel safe, and despite how little we know of each other's lives, we know each other beyond that, if that makes any sense."

He shrugged, "I get it. You're different when you talk about him. I get a glimpse of that light in your eyes that I haven't seen in years. I look forward to meeting him."

"He makes me feel… a whole lot. But he's my calm in the storm."

Jamie smiled, and we sat in silence for the rest of the journey.

Nothing else needed to be said.