22. Tyler
Icounted the dots of the popcorn ceiling as I waited for the phone to connect. Pick up, pick up, pick up.
"Hey." Though it was dry and disinterested, the sound of Jamie's voice made me sigh with relief
"Hey, James." I hoped that the name only I was allowed to call him would soften him a bit.
"How was your game?".
I was finally able to relax, tearing my gaze away from the monotonous ceiling. "We won. I got laid into but it was worth it."
"Win the power play then?" The lightness creeping into his tone made me relax even more.
"Yeah, got an assist."
"Sweet."
The conversation lulled and the silence stretched on, feeling much longer than it actually was. I knew it was then my turn to break it.
"I'm sorry, James; really. I only figured out I was, uh…"
"Gay?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "I only figured it out once I got here. To be honest, I wasn't going to come out at all—not exactly encouraged in professional sports."
"That's fucked."
I laughed.
"It is."
"So, you have a boyfriend?"
I choked on air, feeling like the simple word got lodged in my throat. "No. We… we can't be together. We fooled around a couple of times, but it's over now."
Jamie went silent again, long enough for me to pull my phone away from my ear to check that he hadn't hung up. Instead, I saw a request for a video chat. I accepted instantly, revealing a younger version of my dad staring back at me.
"You like him?"
I could have laughed at the scrutinizing glare my brother gave me. He was much like Mum in the sense that he could read you like a book.
"Yeah, I like him. It'll never work though."
He seemed to think over that. "Have you ever liked anyone?"
At first, the question surprised me. Then again, our age gap meant that I wasn't having the same conversations with him that I was with Holden and the crew—though I was the one who had to answer all his questions.
"No, I have only been with one person before—a girl. So, I can't say I have a lot to go off. But I do like him."
"And with the girl, did you like her?"
I winced, and my face must have answered his question. "What happened? If you didn't like her, why did you sleep with her?"
My eyes closed, almost of their own volition. As if I could somehow shield myself from seeing his face as the truth revealed itself. According to Holden, this was what we needed—honestly. So, summoning every ounce of courage I could muster, I confessed everything; that I'd been too scared to say no. I told him about how I regretted every second of it. And then, the truth: I wasn't comfortable that night because I wasn't interested.
"If she lived in Perth, I would fucking punch the bitch." I couldn't help but laugh, "Seriously Ty, that's fucked up. I might be younger than you but even I know that's not okay."
My heart warmed knowing I'd at least taught him that.
"It is what it is, I know now to speak up when something doesn't feel right. I hope that you are the same. And you always feel you can talk to me."
"You know you can still be my role model if you're gay, right?"
That caught me off guard. "I can't really teach you…"
"I don't need you to teach me how to…" He shook off the thought. "That's not why I look up to you. I look up to you because you're out there living your dream. Because one day, I know you will be cheering me on when I am winning fights around the world. You're my role model because you're my big brother. I'm sorry for what I said…"
"Don't be, you were right. I've been trying to fill a space that I never can."
"You may not be Dad, Ty. But I didn't realize how much you truly protected me until you were gone. There are days I feel bad because I want you to give it all up and come home."
My heart shattered so fiercely that I was surprised I couldn't hear it. "And if you say the word I'll be on the next flight home."
"That's not what I want. I want you to fulfill your dreams. It's what Mum wants—it's what Dad would have wanted."
I nodded back to him. "I wish I could be in two places at once, James. I really do."
A sad smile graced his lips, and I watched as Holden's bedroom light flicked on to reveal his glossy eyes.
"Yeah, me too. But we'll see you at Christmas."
A hum escaped me, a subtle acknowledgment fueled by a gut feeling that I wouldn't be seeing them as planned. We planned for them to fly out to me, but I had a feeling they were keeping the severity of Mum's condition under wraps.
"Yeah, can't wait," I responded with forced enthusiasm, masking the unease that lurked beneath the surface. I redirected the conversation, losing myself in his stories about training and his upcoming fight. Holden's assistance with his grades became a focal point— a welcome relief, given his perennial struggle to concentrate in class. Though when the conversation shifted to his friends, a palpable frustration emerged. They were forging new connections, moving on, and leaving him behind. The timing stung. He was in a place where he needed his friends the most.
When there was another beat of silence, Jamie surprised me. "You know, you should really see where it goes with your guy. We both know life is too short."
"He's my teammate,"
His eyes went wide. "Did you know he was your teammate before it started?"
I looked away to hide the flush creeping over my cheeks and he burst into laughter. "What is so funny?"
"My perfect brother fucked up by fucking his own teammate!"
"Aye, I'm not perfect!"
"You try to be. This is too good. Like bad if you guys get caught, but kind of funny to see you do something you shouldn't, literally."
"Ha-Ha, laugh it out, its over."
"Sure—let me guess who it is!"
Despite everything, I couldn't help but share a laugh with him, playing along as he speculated with a finger to his mouth about who it could be.
"It's one hundred percent Hunter Graves. The tall, dark, and dangerous type. Also, I've watched the tapes you've sent me; you two are too in sync not to be sleeping with each other."
I only responded with a playful eyeroll. "On that note, I'm going to bed."
"I was so right, wasn't I?"
"Goodnight, smartass. I love you."
"Love you too."
That conversation finally lifted the weight off my chest. Almost on cue, my stomach rumbled—loudly. I tried to remember the last time I ate—and I couldn't. I'd somehow played a hockey game on an empty stomach. I needed to refuel, and fast. As I went into the kitchen, I mentally calculated the calories burned and tried to figure out what I needed to replenish.
Cal's voice broke through my thoughts as I cooked. "Hey, how's things at home?"
I flipped the chicken breast on the skillet and faced Cal, noting the hesitance in his pose. "I can't speak for Mum, but Jamie's home. We're better, I think."
"Ty, I'm so sorry, really. I'll do better. I don't know why I can't keep my mouth shut sometimes."
As I looked at him, truly studied him, I wondered if anyone could stay mad at that face. He resembled a golden retriever, with big brown, mopey eyes that made anger difficult to sustain. "I want to say it's fine, and we're cool. I'm over being mad at you, but when I share things with you, I need you to keep them private. I get to tell my own story."
"I know, trust me. It was a douche canoe move, and it won't happen again. It was just a friendly rib at each other. I thought I could do that with your family, but I was sorely mistaken. I regretted it instantly. A big mouth is good for one thing and one thing only. So, I'm sorry."
Even in one of the most serious moments we'd ever shared, he made me laugh. "We're good. But I don't need to hear about your big mouth; you keep that all for Eric."
"Oh, and he loves it. I have so much I want to talk to you about! It's been eating me up."
"It's barely been two days," I laughed. "What else could have happened since then?"
Turns out: a lot.
And just like that, we were okay. I listened to the saga of Cal and Eric, finding relief in the fact that hearing about his very normal problems distracted me from my own… even if it was only a little bit.