4. Daniel

Tyler always hid it from her. He was good at it though.

Tyler’s all I can think about as we sit down at the table. Three brothers and a friend. One brother late, as per usual. Another never coming to a family dinner again.

He didn’t have this problem with Addison. He was good at hiding it. He hid so much from her; I just don’t know how he could do it.

“The candles are a nice touch,” Addison says and smiles warmly at Aria, who does a small curtsy and the three girls let out a peal of feminine laughter.

Addison’s is short, genuine. But it disappears quickly. It’s like the warm water of the ocean, splashing on the tips of your toes before retreating all too soon. I miss it already. I find myself staying still, wanting it to come back.

The day must’ve gone well for her. With a glass of wine in her hand and a beautiful flush in her cheeks, she’s unwinding with the help of the alcohol.

“Just let me smell one more time,” Aria says and inhales close to the large goblet at the same time Carter wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her into his lap. Another wave of giggling leaves the women and then is replaced by soft hums as the other two women are kissed and kiss back, falling into their seats for dinner.

Mine’s already seated, and when I look to her, her lips are on the wineglass. So instead of kissing her, I place my hand over hers on her lap. My fingers slip into the spaces between hers, feeling her soft skin, her warmth. Before she places the glass back on the table, her fingers close around mine, bringing them closer together, and she doesn’t let go. Not until the large bowl of antipasto salad is passed.

“Looks delicious, ladies.” Sebastian’s compliment is rewarded with a story from Aria about how she learned a new recipe for the main dish.

Lasagna, candlelight, and delicate dishes, the hum of chatter and constant smiles. Everything in the room is full of life, but that’s not how I feel. It’s not the reality I’m living in.

If Tyler were here though, he’d fit right in, and that would help Addison. He was good at hiding. He would have been good for her.

I wash the thought away with a single swig of the bourbon in front of me. I try to tell myself he’s on my mind because of what happened recently. And not because I truly think Addison would be better off if he were still here.

It’s not like before. Nothing is. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. The memories of what used to be, the reminder of Tyler and what life was like back then…it’s an ebb and flow of past and present. We’re better now. So long as we’re together. I won’t let anything change that.

Reaching up onto the table, Addison’s grasp is small and comforting when she lays her hand on my wrist. It’s a shock to my system to feel her touch in this moment.

“You okay?” Her question is soft and murmured so no one else can hear.

“Fine,” I answer her because it’s automatic. I don’t tell her more because she doesn’t ask. She doesn’t let go like I expect her to though. She eats with her left hand, leaving her right on mine. And I leave my hand just where it is, needing to feel that warmth, needing to feel her to make all this regret go away.

So long as I have her, it’s all okay. I just need to know I still have her.

* * *

Addison

He’s supposedto be the strong one.

The man is supposed to be the rock. That’s what the world leads you to believe, but I think it’s bullshit. Why else would I feel more complete, more grounded when I’m trying to hold Daniel together?

Aria and Chloe put a Band-Aid over my pain. They make me forget temporarily, and that’s worth something. They make me feel like it’s normal to be down right now, and that’s worth even more.

But holding on to Daniel, holding him together, that feels like purpose. It feels like belonging and worthiness. One small touch, and it’s like the pieces have been soldered back together, making them stronger than they ever were before.

Even if it is just holding his hand and smiling with his family, my family.

“Where’s Bethany?” Aria asks and my eyes dart to hers although she’s slipping her fork into her mouth with her focus on Jase. I know she’s asking for my benefit though.

“She couldn’t come tonight, but she’ll be here tomorrow. She’s getting some things adjusted.”

“Adjusted?”

“She went through a hard time.”

His answer quiets the room for a moment until I speak up. “I’d like to meet her.”

Daniel’s hand shifts under mine until the back of it is to the table and his palm is against mine.

“I bet you would,” Carter comments with the hint of a smile.

“You’ll like her,” Jase says after a quick drink from his tumbler. The ice clinks as he sets it down on the table. “I don’t know anything about what Walsh said, but she may know. If not, you’ll still find plenty to talk about.”

“Walsh.” I roll my eyes as I say his name and take a sip of wine as I feel everyone’s eyes on me. The nervousness in the room creeps up a notch. The dark red is sweet, with a hint of lingering decadence. I bring my gaze to Carter’s at the head of the table and tell him simply, “He doesn’t like me much, I don’t think.”

“He doesn’t like me much either.” Jase’s response comes with a huff of a laugh from Sebastian as he sits back into his chair with ease, resting an arm over Chloe’s chair behind her shoulders.

“He has poor taste then,” I offer Jase and that gets me a small laugh from Chloe and her husband. Daniel only observes and half of all my senses are focused on him, focused on me. Everyone’s waiting to see if I’m going to break down again. I can feel it. They’re waiting to see if I’m okay. And I’m not, I know I’m not. But isn’t it okay if I’m not all right?

It sounds like a paradox, but I think it’s more real than anything.

Carter takes a deep breath, then says, “He’s not going anywhere soon, but he’ll get on board. Or I’ll take care of it.” His darkly spoken words are overshadowed by Jase’s.

“He will,” Jase adds and then tells me he’s sorry that I felt uncomfortable yesterday. That it never should have happened. He tells me he’d never let anything happen to me. None of them would.

They say we’re family, and I know we are.

There’s a pit in my gut though when Aria speaks. “Don’t worry, Addie, we’re in this together.”

“Right,” I say and nod in agreement, then thank God when I bring the glass up to finish the small pool of wine in it when she tells me, “Nothing bad can happen if we’re in it together.”

The glass hides my immediate reaction.

I don’t know why she says it when she knows that’s not true. Bad things happen regardless. Bad things have already happened.

When I set my glass down, I smile at her instead of saying just that. The words still exist though. I can feel them in the tense air. I think everyone can.

Until Chloe stands up abruptly and remembers the cheesecake. She’s sweet enough to bring the rest of the bottle in for me too.

“I can’t get tipsy with both of you out of commission,” I tell her, not wanting to keep drinking in front of them.

“Please, have a glass for me,” Aria requests with a yawn.

“I already did,” I remind her. The wine was her idea, and not a bad one.

“Then have another one for me.” Chloe’s cheerful with her pleading eyes and faux pout as she holds out the bottle.

“Well, how can I say no to that?” I jokingly respond to cut the tension in the room more than anything else.

Another round, a plate of sweets, and the story of how Chloe and Sebastian came to be a couple turns the night around. That and the fact that Daniel pulls me into his embrace. My right side is pressed to his hard, toned body, and his stubble gently scratches my hair as he sets his chin on my head and then kisses my crown.

Maybe it works both ways. Back and forth. The rock thing. That makes it difficult, though, when both people are breaking apart.