13. Britt

13

brITT

Sunday, December 17

I glance at Jackson in the rearview mirror as we pull away from the Italian restaurant. My parents are leaving for a week to a Caribbean island over Christmas, so we had our celebration with them early.

It would never occur to them to invite me and Jackson to join them on vacation, let alone host us in their house. Or even accept an invitation to share the holiday at ours.

Not that I've offered in years.

I wish my brother could've joined us today, but he resolutely avoids our parents. Then again, he doesn't need to try very hard on that front. They spent little time with us growing up, so it's unsurprising, if not disappointing, that they don't spend much time with us now.

I was thrilled when Jackson's friend's mom texted me this morning, inviting him to their house this afternoon. It was the perfect excuse to have a firm end time for lunch. We didn't even have dessert.

"You okay, buddy?"

My son doesn't look up from the fidget spinner in his hands.

"Yup."

"That was a cool LEGO set they bought you for Christmas, huh? It was a huge one."

"Yeah, it was fine. I wish they had gotten Minecraft, though. Or Jurassic World. Not the boring City one."

"Jackson." My mouth quirks on one side, and I can't seem to chastise him further for not being thankful for the gift. "Well. We can exchange it if you'd like. They taped the gift receipt on the box. I bet you can find another you like better."

"Thanks, Mom." He's silent for a few minutes. "Were they always so boring?"

I let out a short laugh. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, when you were growing up, what was it like?"

Yeah, boring. I press my lips together and paste a fake smile on my face.

"Well, it was me and your uncle, and a staff of au pairs and nannies." I chuckle, but there's no humor in the sound. "Grandma and Grandpa didn't do a lot with us. They traveled all the time for Grandpa's work, and Grandma was always busy organizing fundraisers for charities. They didn't involve us in any of that. So yeah, it was a bit of a quiet house. But I made my own fun." I steal another peek back at him, still staring out the window.

"I'm glad you're more fun," he states matter-of-factly. "Sometimes I wish there was more going on in our house. Alex has, like, three sisters. Did you know that?"

I sigh and swallow the small lump popping up in my throat. "Yeah, buddy, I know. But would you want to have three sisters messing with all your LEGO sets?" I attempt to insert levity in my voice.

"I mean, whenever I'm there, someone's fighting or crying or in trouble, so I guess that's not great."

"We have a good time, right?" I try so hard for Jackson. It's why I left my corporate job to make sure I'm home and around whenever he needs me. It's why I cared so much about the dance—not only because he misses Chelsea. I always think about decorating the Christmas tree just right, getting the stockings up, doing all the holiday things to create a warm, loving place for him to call home.

But it never feels like enough.

"Yeah." He nods and meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. "The dance was fun. I really liked that."

"Good. I'm glad. We tried to make it special for you kids."

He's silent for another ten minutes and I turn on a playlist from my phone for background noise. More children would have been amazing. I would've loved to have a big, loud house with people everywhere. Never alone, never lonely, always exciting.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, dude?"

"Are you gonna have more babies?"

Well, shit.

I let out a squeaky laugh. "Oh, man. I'm not sure, Jackson."

It's possible. I'm only thirty-two. But to open my heart up like that again to a man and a baby? I can't picture it.

Kids. I let out a rush of air. They have a way of poking their salt-covered fingers in the raw wounds of your biggest insecurities.

"Okay." The fidget spinner clicks as it rotates.

But then a fully formed vision springs up in my mind. One of Adrian and me living in my house, Jackson in his room, Chelsea taking the guest room as her own, and my study converted to a nursery. I picture Adrian dancing with me in the kitchen, his hand steadying my pregnant belly, music on in the background, kids laughing, joy filling every corner of the house.

Isn't there a way for it to work? For me and Adrian to be together? My stomach tightens into knots strong enough to secure a cruise ship.

Couldn't we all co-parent together?

I pull to a stop in Jackson's friend's driveway.

"Bye, Mom!" He flings himself out of the car and I roll down my window, my insides swirling with the gorgeous vision.

"I'll pick you up in a few hours." I wave to Alex's mom and back up onto the street.

I need to get home to think, to get that vision out of my head. But it's sticky. It grows and becomes clearer as I get closer to home.

Should I deny myself that joy if there's even a tiny chance of it happening? But would I be able to live with myself? Forgive myself for screwing up my friendship with Reese? Could I let it go?

I turn into my driveway, only noticing Adrian's SUV at the last moment.