11. Britt

11

brITT

S tanding in my kitchen at the window, watching as Adrian backs out of my driveway, reality shifts. Was I drunk last night? Nope. I didn't have an adult beverage before the school dance, nor during, and only a few sips of wine when we got home. I was decidedly sober. Did Adrian and I have sex three times before collapsing in my bed, snuggled up together like it was the most natural thing in the world?

Yup. That one hundred percent happened. It felt perfect. Meant to be.

I drain my coffee mug and place it in the sink. He's gone from sight now, and I know what I have to do.

Last night was a fantasy.

Not just the sex. No, it was when Adrian looked at me like I was his fantasy. Even this morning, when he pulled me onto his lap, a sheet the only thing covering his evident desire for me.

The look on his face wasn't only that. It was more.

I woke up at five o'clock this morning, desperate for water, so I padded down to the kitchen and filled a glass. That's when I saw it. I'd left a spot in my Christmas card collage empty. Every year, I display holiday cards on my pantry door and clipped to strings on one wall in my kitchen. I always put Reese and Adrian's card front and center, eye level, so every time I open the pantry, it's their faces I see. Their gorgeous family that has come to mean so much to me.

But this year, a card from them never came.

It was my little punishment to myself, leaving that space there. I didn't expect Reese to send me a Christmas card. But that empty spot is a reminder that there's still hope. Maybe I could win her back, get the friendship I so desperately need, the one I so disastrously messed up. Am still messing up.

Last night, I was able to convince myself it was only a one-night stand with Adrian, but in the light of day, I know that's not true. The look on his face was something more.

How can I make amends with Reese after seeing him look at me like that?

And how can I be with Adrian with Reese's disapproval?

The only way to make this work is to get permission from the person least likely to give it to me.

I text Laura.

Me

Is going to talk to Reese a terrible idea?

Laura

Um. Why would you do that?

Me

I... spent the night with Adrian last night

Laura

Holy shit! Please don't go tell his ex-wife this

Me

I can't do this thing—whatever it is with Adrian—without talking to her. I need to apologize for what happened... for not being there for her. I don't intend to mention last night

Laura

I don't think this is a good idea. I can't imagine she'll give you permission to be with her ex-husband. Or forgiveness

Me

Yeah. I know

Laura

Honestly, I'd stay away from her, Britt

Dammit. She's right. I know it, but I can't take her advice. I can't stay away from Reese. My former best friend has got to understand I was doing the right thing, the best way I could. That nothing had happened. I'm not like my ex-husband.

I promised myself I'd be honest with everyone in my life. I won't share what's just happened with Adrian, but I must talk to her. I'll be mostly honest.

I dress in jeans and a sweater, then pull a brush through my hair and throw it in a familiar braid. Before I can overthink what I'm about to do, I jump in my car and drive toward Reese's new address, which I found in the online school directory.

A strong sense of déjà vu washes over me. Driving to Reese's house—a different one—to do something monumental. Layers of emotions are making my brain fuzzy. Visceral images of Adrian kissing me, nuzzling my neck, letting his hands roam over my body.

I delayed the guilt while it was happening, but this morning hit hard. I was betraying Reese, betraying myself, doing something wrong.

I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand as I navigate the side streets, braking too abruptly at a four-way stop sign.

What am I going to tell her? What am I asking her for? Am I truly looking for her friendship again? Would I choose that over Adrian?

I miss her so much. It's been a long six months without my best friend.

I pull into Reese's driveway, in front of a house I've never been invited into. A few months ago, she bought a modest ranch with a one-car garage. I'm sure she did okay in the divorce, but I know she makes a lot less than Adrian, so her situation must be tighter now. I cringe at the thought that it's my fault.

I shouldn't be here, but I can't stop myself from opening the car door, stepping out onto her driveway, and walking up the front steps. My hand involuntarily lifts and knocks. The door swings open and Reese appears in front of me.

Her face registers brief shock, then it clears and she crosses her arms. She's got her long hair in a braid on her shoulder, just like me. Her eyes roam over me, and I'm guessing she regrets the hairstyle.

"Hello." Her voice is steady and cool.

"I..." My mouth hangs open and I freeze. What do I want from her? "Reese. I miss you. So much. I'm so sorry for not being there for you. For everything." I pull in a ragged breath, trying to control my stinging tears. "Can we start over? Please? I just want to be friends again."

Even I understand the horrific contortion of me asking her for that, with her ex-husband's touch still warm on my skin. But I can only think about myself. I can only consider what I need right now, and it's loving Adrian and fixing my friendship with Reese. That's the real fantasy. Adrian in love with me. Reese as my best friend.

The fog in my head clears quite suddenly. Is this truly impossible? Those are two conflicting desires. I might not even be able to have one of those.

But I can't have both.

Unless I fight for it, really hard.

Her cat peeks out from behind her legs.

"Hi, Peanut Butter," I say with a shaky voice. While Reese assesses me with narrowed eyes, I squat down and pet her cat's head, almost as familiar to me as Captain and Frappy.

"Get back inside, kitty." Without looking down, Reese waves her foot until Peanut Butter trots back to where he came from. Reese's face is stony. "You had feelings for my husband. You can't do that and expect forgiveness."

I wait for her to say more, but she's biting her cheek to stop herself. There's some kind of emotion there, but it's not just hate, I'm sure of it.

"I'm so sorry, Reese." Here is where I should say it wasn't real, that there were no feelings. But it's not true. "Is there any way I can earn your friendship back?" I lift my hands to her, palms up, offering my heart. "I know it wouldn't be the same, but maybe..."

"I don't think so." Reese cuts me off and squints her eyes shut. What's she thinking? Counting down to stay calm? Thinking of ways to murder me? "The divorce is final."

"Ree . . ."

She opens her eyes. "So I guess you're free to be with Adrian, if you still want him. I heard you had a moment together last night at the dance."

I flinch and step back. Did Chelsea see and tell her? Or maybe Reese is a friend of Liz's or one of the other moms. Did they see us behind the curtain? In the basement? Or could they just tell by the way Adrian and I looked at each other?

God, I'm the worst.

But did Reese just technically give me permission to be with Adrian?

"I just—" I can't deny it. I can't pretend that I wasn't tangled with her ex-husband last night and sitting on his lap in my bed just thirty minutes ago.

Reese stares, pressing her lips together, searching my face, and for a split second, I imagine the way she used to look at me when we were best friends. But now, she sees right through me.

"Go home, Britt."

"I'm so sorry," I whisper. "Maybe over time?"

In response, Reese simply closes the door gently in my face, leaving me alone on her front steps, more confused than ever.